Let Me Stay
by mpcmary
Summary: This picks up right after Tommy is put in jail in New Brunswick. Jude decides to say and help Tommy with his mom but is being there for Tommy worth all he's putting her through? Will his temper over power his judgment and force him to lose Jude forever?
1. Chapter 1

"So...is this it then?" Jude whispered, her voice breaking

Tommy looked up at her from the bed he was laying on, his face a mask of cold uncaring, "I guess it is."

Jude's gaze met the stained carpet under her feet, trying desperately to look like his words didn't effect her. She turned with a light shrug of her shoulders and reached for her bag, "Alright. I'll just call a cab and get out of your hair."

Tommy winced; this isn't what he wanted, it never was; from the moment she showed up, he wanted to beg her to stay, so why couldn't he find the will to get up and stop her? His seemingly careless eyes watched Jude as she hastily stuffed what little clothes she brought into her duffle bag, "I'm sorry, Jude." He said softly, no trace of emotion in his voice

Jude shook her head, making sure to avoid eye contact as she crossed the room and entered the enjoined bathroom, "Don't be. It's what we agreed on, right?" She spoke over her shoulder, her voice echoing in the small bathroom as she gathered her comb and tooth brush

Tommy drew in a deep breath and turned on his side so he was facing away from Jude, "Still," He muttered, "Sorry...For everything."

Jude stared at Tommy's still form for a long while, not sure what to do or say but she felt strongly obligated to say something; she couldn't leave him like this, "Tommy," She spoke softly, letting her bag fall to the floor, "I don't want to do this." She waited for him to answer, or even acknowledge that she'd spoken, but all he did was lay there, facing the wall. Knowing she might regret it, Jude crawled across the bed to Tommy and pulled lightly on the cotton of his dark green t-shirt, "Tommy," She tried again, "Can you please look at me?"

Tommy rolled slightly, so his back was leaning against Jude's knees; and as he looked up at her teary blue eyes shining in the moonlight streaming through the window, all he wanted to was wrap her in his arms and comfort her, kiss the tears away and promise that they'll be okay. Instead, though, all he did was lay his hand against her cheek, lightly caressing the skin there. He smiled slightly when Jude leaned into his touch, "Jude," He breathed, "I'm not good for you."

Jude hitched in an uneasy breath, the tears finally falling after keeping them in for so long. On one hand it was a relieving release, to finally be expressing the pain she's been harboring, but on the other, she didn't want Tommy to see her so weak, not after everything she's been trying to prove, "Shouldn't that be my decision?" She asked

"Not this time." Tommy whispered back, using both hands to wipe the tears from her face, "You deserve better."

Jude bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut as she took some calming breaths through her nose, "I don't care about who you were," She told him, opening her eyes and lightly running her fingers through Tommy's messy hair, "You've changed since then, Tommy. What these people see you as - it's not who you are anymore. I still see the real you and I still believe that you're a beautiful person...you're perfect to me."

Tommy shook his head, tears of his own beginning to gather in his troubled eyes, "How can you say that?"

"Because it's true," Jude answered, wrapping her hands around his forearm, "I love you."

Tommy's initial response bubbled to his lips immediately, but he bit against it, knowing that saying those words would put them right back where they started, and he didn't want Jude to have to deal with this anymore. He lightly traced the cut across Jude's cheek, by the feel of it, it was in the early stage of healing, soon it would be gone, and she could move on from everything that happened here and be happy somewhere else, with someone else. The thought sent a stabbing pain through his heart. "You shouldn't." Was his response to her.

Using the sleeve of her black sweater, Jude removed the remaining tears from her face, "Just say it," She was nearly begging now, "Even if you don't mean it, I need to hear it."

Tommy sat up a little more so he could press his lips to her forehead, "I love you too." He hushed against her skin, "With everything I am...but you don't need this." He tenderly pushed the hair from Jude's face, "Please go."

Jude nodded, a sudden wave of anger setting in to replace the heartbreak, "Why do you only fight when there's competition?" She demanded, thinking back to the determination Tommy had to get her back when she was choosing between him and Jamie, and how jealous he got when she was with anyone else, "Why am I always the only one fighting for us?"

"I'm not good enough for you."

And there they were, freshly spoken, the words that started this whole mess. The sound of them brought a sob to Jude's lips, how could he still be thinking like this? Hasn't she done enough to prove him otherwise? "Is this the end of us?" She couldn't help but ask

Tommy didn't answer, he just turned back to face the wall with his arms securely crossed over his chest.

Jude stood from the bed with an angry huff and yanked her bag up from the floor and slung it over her shoulder. She hesitated with her hand on the door knob and looked over her shoulder, "If you're going to turn this into another 'Pity me' story, to tell your friends, be sure to mention in there somewhere that I tried."

Tommy waited til he heard the front door slam to burry his head in his pillow and let the misery and self hate sink in.


	2. Chapter 2

_Two months earlier_

"Why is it so easy for you to throw us away?" Jude asked, staring at Tommy through a set of metal bars; Her hand wrapped around one as Tommy stood to approach her. The ice cold feel against Jude's palm was an immediate contradiction to Tommy's warm touch on her face; she shivered.

Tommy bit the inside of his lip lightly, pulling Jude as close as possible and leaned his forehead against the metal. He lingered his hand on her face, his thumb gently ran over her lips once before he pulled it away, "Because I'm not good enough for you."

Jude exhaled a sob and pushed away from the prison bars, "I am so sick of hearing about how awful you think you are!" Tommy nodded his head, staring at the filthy grey brick wall in front of him. He was set in his decision, she needed to leave before she saw how awful he truly was.

"Or how you're not worthy," Jude continued, slowly backing away from him, from the situation. Her instinct to run was pulsing strong now, "When you are. I'll be in the studio."

Jude and Tommy shared a lingering parting glance; both waiting for the other to say something more. But as Jude searched his now unfamiliar eyes, it was clear that he wasn't going to stop her. When Tommy looked away, she looked him over one last time before leaving.

Tommy watched after her until she was out of sight. What the hell did he just do? He questioned himself in a sudden panic, his resolve shaking, "FUCK!"

He shouted, tears coming to his eyes. To him, this was a harsh reminder that everything everyone said about him was true; that he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself, and all he ever does it hurt the people he loves. And as he mulled over this thought, he rebuilt his resolve. It's good she's gone, He decided.

Instead of going back to the house right away, Jude went to the dock. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she was hoping that somehow, Tommy will coming running up to her and wrap her in his arms and apologize. Jude glared at the water sparkling in the early morning sunlight, her arms angrily crossed over her stomach. Her and Tommy were done. Again. You'd think after all the separations and break ups she'd be used to it by now, but here she was fighting the urge to crumble into an emotional mess. Again. The bitter part of her wanted to put a stop to the check for Tommy's bail. If he wants to be an asshole, he can just sit there then. The sympathetic side of her, though, was much stronger.

Jude thought back to the night before, thought about the horrible things him mom said to him...his own mother. She might not be able to recognize this side of Tommy, but she's not completely clueless, she knew that everything his mom said hit home, and deeply hurt him. The thought of Tommy's pain created a pain of her own deep in her heart, but she pushed it away. She has her own pain to worry about, and Tommy doesn't care, so why should she have to waste another second being where she isn't wanted?

Soon enough, Jude was back at Tommy's house, packing her bag. She hadn't brought much, but she took enough to last a while on the off chance that he'd change his mind. That thought mocked her now; she hadn't made it two days.

Tommy's cousin Selena watched as Jude dropped her duffle bag by the door and head for the back room to get her purse. She nudged Ryan and nodded toward it, "Looks like he chased another one off."

Ryan smirked, "I won this one."

Selena took a swig from her beer and a drag from her cigarette in the same breath, "How much did you bet?"

Ryan exhaled smoke from the corner of his mouth, "Twenty."

"Ambitious." Selena commented, pulling a deck of cards in front her

Ryan leaned back in his chair and reached over to pull a beer from the cooler by Selena's feet, "Nah, we all know Tommy won't ever change."

"What are you talking about?" Jude demanded, only having heard the very last of their conversation

Ryan looked up at her, a smile on his face, "Nothing you need to worry about, princess."

Jude scowled at the smug look on Ryan's face, silently wishing she had taken those kick boxing classes with Sadie; nothing would please her more then kicking his ass right now, "Don't call me that."

Ryan lifted his hands, an expression of mock fear coming across his face, "Ooooh." He laughed, "What are you gonna do about it?"

Jude continued to glare as she gathered her stuff, the only thing keeping her calm was the fact that she would soon be out of here. Selena flashed a bitchy smile, "Usually doesn't take this long for the girl to take off." She explained

"What do you mean?"

Selena rolled her eyes, a sigh escaping her lips, "Tommy's been a dick since day one, he sends everyone running eventually."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed, dealing the cards between him and Selena, "And he's a real weepy drunk about it too."

Selena laughed and finished off her beer, "If I have to hear about that Angie again, I'll drive in to a tree myself."

Ryan scoffed, "Take me with you."

Jude didn't say anything. What could be said? She quietly made her way out the door and down the driveway. Was she really just like all the other people in Tommy's life? Was running away the right thing to do? Jude was momentarily distracted by a taxi pulling up in front of her but she ignored it, her thoughts going back to Tommy. This weekend had started and ended being about her; what she felt, wanted, needed, but had she ever stopped to think about Tommy? No. Her face flushed slightly at her own selfishness.

The cab driver hopped out and opened Jude's door for her, but again she ignored him, too lost in her own head. The last thing she wanted was to be another thing in Tommy's life causing him pain, and leaving now would hurt him, whether he wants to admit it or not. What Tommy needed from her was help, not a girlfriend hanging off his arm, parading him around at festivals like everything was fine. Jude's stubbornness set in then, she reached out and shut the cab door, "I'm really sorry," She murmured to the driver and handed him a twenty for his trouble, "I'm not heading out today."

Jude hadn't seen them come in, so she was surprised to see the other school friend Tommy introduced her to yesterday sitting at the round table with Selena and Ryan. Jude ignored the questioning looks coming from them, and silently made her way back to Tommy's room.

Ryan cursed under his breath as he handed Mike the twenty back, "We're betting again."

Jude sighed, dropping her bags on the bed shoved up in the corner. While she waited for Tommy, she considered every outcome of him finding her still here, and prepared herself for that. Then, when Tommy still didn't show up, she thought about their whole relationship, took note of anything she'd done that had been pointed out as immature, and tried for the first time to make a conscious effort to actually be an adult about this. If she wants to be in an adult situation then she had to start acting like one.

By the time Tommy finally made it back to his house the moon was beginning its rise over the water. His feet drug themselves up the porch steps, even though his mind was screaming to do otherwise; like he was being pulled by a magnet. Just as unwillingly, he entered the house, finding it dark and empty.

He tapped his fingers on his mom's door before opening it, more than relieved to find her sleeping. With an audible exhale, he turned for the kitchen to get a beer but glanced back when he noticed a soft glow coming from under his door. His shoulders slumped, not wanting a fight, but expecting one, "Mike, get the fuck out-" He stopped short at the sight of Jude perched on the edge of the bed, a single candle lit on the bedside table, "And you're not Mike." He muttered, his face hardening

Jude offered what little smile she could manage, hurt by his reaction, "Nope." She breathed, "They went home a couple hours ago."

Tommy shut the door behind himself, a scowl hinting at his features. He crossed his arms and leaned against the dresser, "I thought you left."

Jude shrugged lightly, mentally preparing herself, "I'm not going anywhere."

Tommy ran his tongue through his mouth, his eyes fully angry now, "You can't be with me, remember?"

Jude stood slowly, but made no move to approach him, "I'm sorry," She told him, her voice calm, "Sorry for showing up without calling, for interfering with your mom, sorry for acting like a ditzy girlfriend...I just - I had no idea how bad it was."

Tommy's angry eyes met her kind ones. He stared at the girl he loved for a long soundless moment, wanting to go to her, hold her, but he restrained himself, "That all?" He questioned, eyeing her packed bags

Jude shook her head as she stuffed her fingers into her front pockets, "I love you too much to leave." She whispered

Tommy clenched his jaw and looked away from her, "I don't want you here."

Jude swallowed hard, trying to be strong, "I don't believe that."

Tommy unleashed a full on glare, directing it right in Jude's eyes, "Too bad. You need to leave."

Jude took a step forward, as if to show that she wasn't scared of him, "Tommy, I'm not here to get in the way, I'm here to help."

"I don't need your help." Tommy spat at her, but regretted it the second hurt flashed in her eyes; he didn't want that, "You don't want to be in this bullshit." He said, his voice a little warmer now

"Shouldn't that by my decision?"

Tommy shrugged, "Fine. Stay. But you can't stay here."

"Okay," Jude said easily and turned for her bags, "I'm sure Ryan has a spare couch."

Tommy caught Jude by the arm with a grip that almost hurt and moved so he was inches from her face, "Why are you doing this?"

Jude leaned back to put some space between them - this she wasn't expecting. Tommy never grabbed her in anger like this, and he sure as hell never glared at her the way he is now, "You need my help." She forced out from airless lungs

Tommy dropped his hand and fisted it by his side, "Leave!" He demanded, "Nobody wants you here poking around in their business."

"No." Was Jude's simple answer; it wasn't stubborn or arrogant, just an answer, "I won't let you push me away."

Tommy growled under his breath, "I'm already dealing with my mom, I can't waste my time taking care of you too."

Jude caught note of the word _waste_ and cocked an eyebrow at it. That hurt. She brushed it off, trying remain just as calm as she had been when Tommy came in, "You won't have to. I won't be in the way, I'll do whatever you tell me to do no questions...just let me stay." She pleaded

Tommy's heaving chest slowed to a normal breathing pattern as his anger boiled down, "I'm telling you to go. Trust me, Jude. You don't want any part of this."

Jude took the few steps residing between them and hesitantly took a hold of Tommy's hand. He pulled it away, "Tommy if you truly want me to leave, tell me."

Tommy avoided her eyes as he spoke, "Leave."

"No," Jude said, reaching up to touch his face, "Tell me, not the wall."

Tommy looked down at her, and as he stared into her eyes, he couldn't find the words. He couldn't look at the loving look in her eyes and find the heart to make it go away. The last six weeks have been nothing but pure hatred coming from every angle, every day was a fight or a reminder of who he was. The love for Jude filling him now was like a breath of fresh air. He exhaled a shaky breath, "Don't leave."

Jude nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I'm not going anywhere."

Tommy's arms wound around her, pulling her impossibly close, "I missed you." He whispered in to her hair

Jude pulled back with a smile, but an otherwise serious expression, "If this gets to be too much or if I'm getting in the way, tell me and I'll go." She nodded like she was also making the same agreement

Tommy pulled his fingers through Jude's hair and rested his hand on the back of her neck, "I don't want you to go." He admitted as his eyes turned vulnerable, "But this place is hell."

Jude became affected by the emotion in Tommy's voice, recognizing the pain she's been wanting to protect him from, "Just tell me what you need, and I'll do it."

Without warning, Tommy brought Jude's face to his and hungrily pressed his lips to hers. A familiar spark lit between them then, that same old energy returned with a vengeance, made stronger with the time apart. For the moment, Tommy didn't care if he was being selfish, or that they'll both regret her staying eventually. What he needed now was her.

As the kiss intensified, Tommy began leading them to the bed, "Tommy." Jude mumbled against his lips, her hands pushing lightly against his chest, "Tommy, stop."

Tommy broke the kiss, "What?" He asked breathlessly, but didn't wait for a response before reattaching their lips.

"Mmm," Jude moaned lightly into his mouth. She hadn't really realized _just_ how much she missed this until right now. With her hands on his neck, Jude brought Tommy down with her on the bed, momentarily forgetting what it was she was going to do say. Tommy broke the kiss, moving to trail kisses across her cheek and down her neck. Without Tommy's lips distracting her, Jude's mind cleared slightly, "Tommy," She breathed, bringing his face back up to her, "We can't do this here."

"Why not?"

Jude glanced pointedly at the door, "There's no lock, what if someone walks in?"

Tommy groaned softly and looked over his shoulder at the door. Jude had a point. And they couldn't now anyway, his mom was sure to wake up any minute now, "This sucks." He said, looking down at Jude. The soft candle light danced on her face, emphasizing her beauty. Tommy smiled softly and gently caressed her face, "I missed you so much."

Jude grinned up at him, happy to finally see bits of her Tommy surfacing, "You have no idea."

Tommy opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by a loud crash coming from the living room. He cursed and rushed from the room. It took Jude a second longer, but she was only a few steps behind. _No private moments_ she thought bitterly to herself, and added it to the things she'll just have to live with for now.


	3. Chapter 3

The night was long, and spent trying to keep Tommy's mom both calm and away from anything breakable, which really was a lot harder than Jude thought it would be. Every time they stopped her from throwing a book through the window, she screamed horrible things, mostly directed to Tommy, but Jude bared a good brunt also. She'd never been called a bitch so much in her life. Jude held strong, though, she never broke or cried from the stress, the whole night her face was smooth and calm, with the exception of offering Tommy the occasional reassuring smile. Even when he asked her again to leave, she simply said "No." and pecked him on the lips. That simple. When they finally made it to sleep, it was well after 4am, and well after a long screaming match between Tommy and his mom.

Tommy groaned and turned over when the sun crept its way into the small room. By the angle of it, it had to be after noon, he groaned again, not having meant to sleep so long, "Jude." He mumbled, feeling for her, but finding the sheets next to him empty and cold, "Jude?" He called again, sitting up. No response.

Tommy unwillingly tore himself from the comfort of his bed.

"Good morning." An unfamiliar woman greeted him as he came down the hall. She smiled, pulling a piece of paper from the back pocket of her jeans, "From Jude."

Tommy eyed the paper with confusion, "Who are you?"

The woman smiled again and held out her hand, "I'm Sally Murr, a home nurse - Jude mentioned yesterday that you might be in need of my services."

Tommy shook her hand lightly, his eyebrows still shoved together, "What are you doing here?" He asked

Sally removed a stethoscope from her bag on the coffee table and draped it around her neck, "Jude asked me come, and to give that to you right away." She motioned to the note in Tommy's hand, "If you'll excuse me, I need to check on your mother."

Tommy moved out of her way and opened up the note from Jude, "_Sorry about the nurse_," The first line read,

_I wasn't sure if you were against it or not, and I didn't want to wake you..._

_I'll be back in a couple hours, just had some errands to run. If you need anything, my cell is on. There's coffee and food in the oven_

Tommy's interest perked at the thought of food, as did the interest on where Jude would need to go. He ducked into the oven, coming up with a coffee thermos and a plate of pancakes and sausage. He glanced toward the sink. No dirty dishes. Not a thing out place. He looked around himself, the house was actually...clean. Tommy moved to the living room, taking his plate with him, and took a seat on the couch. It took him a minute, but eventually he noticed that there was a new TV on the stand to replace the one his mom knocked over last night.

Tommy reached for the remote, turned on the TV and was nearly frozen in place when a clear picture blinked into focus. Granted, the TV was small, and the picture surely wasn't HD but there was_ cable_. He couldn't remember ever having anything other than the bare basic ten channels, and now there's three hundred, "How long was I asleep?" He asked himself, incredulously flipping through the channels.

Jude's return caught Tommy's attention about an hour later. She pulled up the driveway in a glossy blue Ford Focus; the sun reflected off the driver's window and cast bright streaks through the living room. Tommy rushed out to greet her, "Hey."

Jude smiled and gave him a quick kiss, "Hey yourself." She removed her sunglasses and hooked them on to her shirt, "How are you?"

Tommy shrugged and mentally scoffed at the question. All the shit that went down the night before and she was worried about him? He reached forward and tucked some hair behind her ear, "I'm fine. How are you?"

Jude turned away from him to hide her yawn, "Same."

Tommy followed her to the truck and watched as she popped it open. He could tell she was tired just by the way she moved, the way her hands lingered a second longer than necessary on the trunk lid, the small hesitation before reaching in and gathering grocery bags, "What's all this?" He asked, grabbing a bunch as well

Jude swallowed another yawn and tried to hide it with a smile, "Means of survival: Food, coffee, light bulbs, new sheets and pillow cases...oh and there's a portable heater in the back seat."

Tommy led the way in to the house and dumped the various bags on the round table, "Not to mention the car."

"Oh, yeah," Jude began digging in the bags, "It's a rental - I'm surprised you don't have one."

Tommy smirked when he caught sight of a couple six packs of his favorite beer, "How'd you manage that?"

Jude flashed a sexy smirk of her own, "I may have flirted a little to distract the cashier." She smiled cockily, "Worked like a charm. Aaaaaand-" She retrieved something from the very bottom of a plastic bag, buried under three loaves of bread and held it up, "For you, love."

Tommy snatched the package of red licorice from her with a smile, "Where'd you find this? None of the local stores have it."

Jude shrugged, "I had to go out of town to pick up the rental car anyway, I figured I might as well dig some up for you."

Tommy shook his head at his favorite candy, and then looked up to grin at Jude. She was always full of small gestures like this, small little I love you's, even before they were together. Dark thoughts filled his mind, ones including pointing out, again, that he didn't deserve her, but he shoved them aside and just hugged Jude instead.

Jude pulled back first and pecked him on the lips, "Did you get my note?"

Tommy nodded, the astonished smile still on his face, "Yeah - I don't know about the nurse, Jude."

"That's fine," Jude said quickly, "Whatever you want."

Tommy knitted his eyebrows - other than Jude's sudden take on responsibility, something was very different here. The fact that she was hiding something was his first conclusion, and the strangest; Jude's never been one to hide anything from him "Jude." He said, gently grasping her shoulders, "What's the matter?"

Jude gave a quick shake of her head, "Nothing. Hey - did you use the cable yet? You wouldn't believe the hassle the cable guy gave me."

"Jude," Tommy said again, his hands now moving up to her face, "What is it?" A small cold fear began crawling up his spine. Was all this her way of leaving? Has one night proven too much for her and pushed her to decide to break up with him? He couldn't believe how unbearable the thought was

Jude bit down hard on her lower lip to keep from getting emotional, "Nothing, I just - I realized last night all that you would have to live with by yourself if you ever made me leave and I wanted to do what I could to make things a little more...comfortable for you."

Tommy's anxious features softened at her words…and there was that pesky voice in his head again, pointing out every flaw, every reason he should do just that, and make Jude leave, any and everything his mother and friends say about him. He's just not good enough..."Thank you," He whispered, his hands sliding down her arms to take a hold of both of hers, "I love you."

"I love you." Jude captured his lips in a slow kiss. Tommy lifted Jude so her legs were wrapped around his waist, and her arms were wrapped around his neck - much like the time he heard Ultraviolet for the first time. Their relationship was so simple then. All that mattered in the world was that they loved each other.

Jude scrambled out of Tommy's arms when a bedroom door shut in the hallway. The nurse came around the corner a second later, "I was just talking with your mom," She started, "And I was wondering if she's ever been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?"

Jude looked up at Tommy as he answered with a firm, "No."

"I'm no expert, but I've taken care of many patients with the disorder, and she fits the general description," Sally pulled a small business card from her purse, and handed it to Tommy, "That's the number of a specialist, if you want to check it out."

"Thank you." Tommy said with a slight curt, nod

"Alright," Sally picked up her medical bag, "If you need anything else, I'm just a few houses down."

"Thanks Sally." Jude called after her

Tommy tossed the card on the counter, "Let's get this stuff put away before my mom wakes up." He headed for the front door

Jude made sure he was gone before saving the number from the business card in her phone; what could it hurt just to check?


	4. Chapter 4

It's been two weeks since Jude talked to the specialist, Dr. Carter. It's been one week since, while Tommy was sleeping, she snuck the doctor in to talk with Tommy's mom. And it's been three days since the doctor confirmed the nurse's suspicions and wrote the prescription that was now resting in Jude's back pocket. She was extremely aware of it there; it felt heavy somehow, like it was weighing down her whole body.

She hated keeping secrets from Tommy, but what choice did she have? He shot down the idea three times before she worked on her own. He insisted that fixing one problem wouldn't cancel out the rest, but what harm could it do? She argued. He didn't have an answer for that. And what she did wasn't bad, if anything, it'll make his mom easier to handle which would be good for both of them. She just had to tell him.

Now would be a very bad time, Jude decided, watching Tommy and his mom argue while she stood nearby doing the dishes. Now and anytime tonight would be a bad time. It was hard to pin point when a good time would be, though. What with Selena and Tommy's friends always hanging around, and his mom throwing a tantrum about something every couple hours, there was hardly a moment of peace.

Even sleeping was done in short stretches, and they hardly ever slept at the same time. Tensions rose between them often, whether it was due to the lack of sleep or the stress, Jude wasn't sure, but every time something went wrong, Tommy had a way of blaming her for it and apologizing later. She tried to be understanding, tried to keep quiet while Tommy took his frustration out on her, but deep down, she could feel herself falling apart.

"I think that plate's clean enough now." Tommy said, suddenly standing behind her. Jude snapped out of her thoughts and looked down at the plate she'd been holding under the water, "Oh." She muttered, feeling stupid. Tommy reached around her to shut the water off, "Let's go for a walk." He whispered in her ear, his arms wrapped around her waist.

Jude smiled, relishing in the feeling of his embrace, her whole body instantly relaxed against him, "Sure." She answered, but regretted it when he moved away. Jude frowned after him, drying her hands with a dish cloth. "Call me if she gets to be too much." She heard Tommy tell Selena as she went to get her shoes on. Recently she traded wearing boots for tennis shoes - they were easy to slip on and they went better with her recent attire of jeans and Tommy's t-shirts; no need to dress up just to sit around a house all day.

Jude met Tommy by the door, he took her hand, and that comforted her. They walked down the block quietly, both at rest with their brief moment of peace. Just having Tommy's hand wrapped around hers, brightened Jude's night considerably. Times like these made it easy to forget where they were, and how long the day had been, and just focus on each other. Their walk slowed as they reached the dock lining the water, "That's beautiful." Jude murmured, watching as the moonlight sparkled on the unsettled water.

"I heard you talking to Darius earlier," Tommy said a few minutes later, "How pissed is he?"

Jude shrugged, "He's not happy, but he understands."

Tommy sighed, leading Jude down a set of steps that led to a more private, sandy area, "You can go home anytime you want."

Jude thought quietly for a minute, trying to find words to both explain that he was worth the hell she's being put through and that she went behind his back to have him mom diagnosed, "I'm not going anywhere unless I have you with me." She promised and leaned her head against his shoulder.

Tommy picked a quiet spot, hidden by the lurking eyes and ears of small town gossipers and sat in the cool sand, pulling Jude down with him so she was seated between his legs with her back against his chest. Jude exhaled a breath of content and lulled her head back to lie on his shoulder, "You look so tired." Tommy pointed out with a soft concern laced in his tone

"So do you." Jude answered with a sigh

Tommy took Jude's hands in his, and wrapped his and Jude's arms around herself. Jude felt his warm lips press against the cool skin of her cheek, "I'm worried about you." He admitted

"I'm fine," Jude insisted, "Really."

Tommy tightened his grip around her, as if doing that would protect her from the obvious stress she's under. No matter how many times she said it, he knew Jude wasn't fine, and he sure as hell wasn't helping anything. Now sitting here with Jude securely wrapped in his arms, he could clearly see how the things he said to her, and things he's done the last couple weeks were horribly wrong, but when he's in the moment, he holds no hindsight, nothing registers.

It's like when he fights, the rage that fills him is so intense that he blacks out and all actions are like reflexes reacting to the situation. Of course he'd never been even close to being _that_ angry with Jude, but the circumstances were similar. Once he realized it, though, he was quick to check on her and apologize, "I'm sorry, again." He said, "Sorry I'm an ass most of the time."

"Don't worry about it." Jude turned her head to look up at him, "You're stressed, and I get it."

Tommy shook his head with disgust at himself. She was making excuses for his behavior, and nowhere near being angry with him, "That's no excuse," He said, "I'll work on my temper. Okay? I swear I'll try not to do it again."

"Okay." Jude agreed easily. Now would certainly be a bad time to mention the paper in her pocket, why ruin on of the few beautiful moments they've had since he came here? She briefly considered not even telling him, but knew that would be even worse if he found out from someone else, "Mind if I ask you a question?"

"What about?" Tommy asked with obvious hesitation.

"Do I know everything now?" Jude's own hesitation made the question a cautious whisper, "I mean, are there no more secrets?"

Tommy pursed his lips lightly, thinking, "I'm pretty sure you're all caught up," He answered, and smiled at her, "I was sure once you saw this place, and learned the person I was before you met me - before I was 'Tommy Q' - that you'd hit the ground running. But here you are."

Jude stretched her neck to place a sweet kiss on Tommy's lips, "Who you are isn't where you come from, or who your parents are, Tommy." They relaxed in content silence for a short while before Jude spoke again, "What happened to your dad?" Jude asked, realizing that she didn't know anything about that

Tommy shrugged, unbothered by the question, "I never met him - he took off when he found out my mom was pregnant, apparently he never wanted kids."

Jude knitted her eyebrows, "What about your older brother, Tristan?"

"He and I have different fathers," Tommy explained, "Tristan's dad made an appearance every now and then when he needed a place to stay in between sentences."

"Where is he now?" Jude wondered

"He got a life sentence for killing three people while driving drunk."

"That's horrible."

Tommy nodded with a sigh, "Yep. Kind of makes me wonder about my own dad - I mean, if that's the kind of men my mom was attracted to, I bet mine's a real prize." He bit sarcastically.

Jude didn't know how to respond to that, so she just kissed him again, in an attempt to comfort him. Tommy nuzzled Jude's face, peppering her with small kisses, making Jude giggle. The sound made Tommy thoroughly happy; that's all he ever wanted, to see her happy.

Moving his hands up to her face, Tommy pulled Jude closer, "I love you." He whispered against her lips before kissing her with a slow passion. Jude responded to the kiss like someone taking their first breath after being held under water to the point of drowning. Apparently Tommy felt the same way, because within seconds, Jude was laying on the sand with Tommy hovering over her. Jude giggled at his haste. Without breaking the kiss, Tommy pulled Jude up as he stood, and began backing up toward the water. Jude pulled away with a chuckle, "No way, Quincy."

Tommy's eyes narrowed playfully at her, "Problem?"

Jude laughed again, "Two things: That water must be freezing and someone could easily spot us."

Tommy approached her with a lustful smile, "Two things," He pulled Jude flush up against him as he spoke in a husky whisper, "The water isn't that cold yet, and no one's around this time of night."

Jude licked her lips as she watched his move, quickly running out of reasons to object, "You don't know that."

Tommy bent to press his lips against hers. The kiss was teasing and very persuasive, "C'mon. Do something crazy with me."

Jude bit her lip, tempted by the irresistible offer while Tommy started placing hot open mouthed kisses down her neck. Jude moaned quietly, and leaned her head back to give him better access. Tommy took that as approval and snuck his hands under her shirt. His hands caressed her belly, slowly moving down to the button of her jeans, quickly undoing them. Jude smiled and removed her shirt, before ridding his as well. She smirked as she undid his jeans, remembering how he loved it when she took charge, and pushed them from his hips before pressing her hand against his growing member while pressing her lips to his shoulder.

"God, I missed you." Tommy groaned, and kissed Jude's bottom lip, gently taking it between his teeth before letting it go. He quickly rid himself of his jeans and shoes and leaned down to hook his arm under Jude's knees. Jude gasped when she landed against Tommy's chest. He carried her bridal style into the water and flashed a mischievous smirk before tossing her in.

Jude emerged a second later and glared at Tommy, "That was uncalled for."

Tommy chuckled and swam to meet her in the chest deep water. He was right about the temperature; it was more warm then cold. "Not your brightest idea," Jude said, "Now my underwear is wet."

Tommy's eyebrows quirked at her words, seeing the double meaning in them. Jude flushed and rolled her eyes, "Shut up. I didn't mean it like that."

Tommy smiled lovingly at her and grabbed her by the waist, "Come' ere." He ran his hands down her back and legs, taking her panties with them, then ran them back up to brush against her core. Jude gasped from the pleasurable touch and pushed her pelvis against his, "We've never had sex in the water."

Tommy unclasped Jude's bra with one hand, and removed it with the other, "It's fun." He bent his head to kiss the top of each breast. Jude arched her back and put a hand to the back of his head with a soft moan, "I missed this."

Tommy licked and nipped at the base of her neck, while his hand massaged her breasts, "You mean our late night conversations didn't do it for you?" He smirked against her skin

Jude smiled, "Those were fun. But I'd rather have you here," She ran her hand down his abdomen and wrapped it around his erection, "Where I can feel you."

Tommy moaned, dragging the tip of his tongue to trace along her jaw line to her lips, "Same here." He grabbed Jude's legs and wrapped them around his waist. Jude attached her lips to Tommy's neck, and moved up to gently nip his ear lobe, "Condom?" She asked

Tommy froze and looked back at his jeans, where the condom resided inside his wallet, "Aren't you on birth control?" Jude shook her head no, "I didn't take it this month." Tommy stared back at his jeans, like we was expecting the condom to just appear in his hand. He looked back at Jude, "Can you get it?"

Jude sighed, removing herself from their intimate embrace, "Fine, but you better make it worth my while."

Tommy laughed, "Bring back two!" He called after her


	5. Chapter 5

Jude's eyes blinked open to the sight of a cloudless blue sky, her body in a soft patch of grass. She sighed contently let her eyes fall closed again. With a light yawn, she reached over for Tommy, only to find the space next to her empty. She unwillingly forced her eyes open one at a time, not wanting to return to reality.

"Hold still." Tommy's low voice caught Jude's attention. The sound of it brought a flurry of memories from last night; every touch, every word, every bit of perfection that was Tommy. She tried to sit up, but was restrained by Tommy's hand, "What are you doing?" She propped herself up on her elbows, finding Tommy straddling her hips, slightly bent, with his hand dragging a sharpie against the exposed skin of her mid-section; her shirt pushed up to just under her breasts, "Writing, hold on." Tommy answered, his tone was distracted.

Jude's head tilted, looking at her stomach, finding several lines of words written in black across her skin. It was too awkward an angle to make out what it said, but it was obviously lyrics of some sort, "You're using me as paper?"

Tommy removed the Sharpie cap from between his lips and replaced it on the marker, "I had to write it out before I forgot it," He explained, smiling sheepishly, "And you were my only canvas."

Jude shrugged, "Happy to be of service." She reached up and gently ran her hand down Tommy's bare chest, stopping at the waist of his jeans, "Hi." She smiled

Tommy leaned down, careful not to brush against Jude's stomach, and pressed his lips to hers, "Good morning, angel."

Jude's eyes sparkled with happiness; she loved it when he called her that. She brushed her fingers through Tommy's hair, "How long have you been awake?"

"A couple hours." Tommy moved so he was lying next to Jude on his side, propped on an elbow.

Jude frowned at the sound of voices and people in the distance; they weren't in their own world anymore. She feared returning to that house, back to the reality of it all and the look on Tommy's face hinted the same thing, "Time to go back?" She asked. Tommy smiled a tiny, sympathetic smile, "We have a few minutes," He nodded to her stomach, "We have to wait for you to dry, so you don't smudge on the way home."

Jude blinked at the word _home_; Tommy has always referred to it as his home, or 'The house'. Was he finally fully comfortable with her there? Jude smiled, silently promising, again, that she'd be here as long as he wanted her, and she felt pretty wanted right now. She stared at him as he stared out toward the water, a thoughtful expression on his face. Jude wondered idly what he was thinking about, while her mind tried to remember how they ended up staying out all night.

After they finally dressed to go home - and after Jude made Tommy dive in the water to retrieve her bra - it was nearly two in the morning. Tommy muttered something about everyone being asleep, and suggested they stay a little while longer. They went a short ways back toward the dock, and settled in on a small grassy area...but then what? We must have dozed off, Jude concluded. It was the best night's sleep she's had since coming here, "Did you sleep alright?" Jude wondered

Tommy nodded, turning his attention back to Jude, "Haven't slept that good in a while."

Jude smiled; they were finally on the same page about something. She relished in that for a moment before deciding to take advantage of Tommy calm mood. She adverted her eyes so he wouldn't see the guilt in them, "Hey, babe?" She asked.

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering about your mom." Jude started warily, testing his reaction

Tommy groaned at the mention, it was too soon for reality talk, "What about her?" He sighed

Jude nervously rubbed her lips together, "Well...you said that when you were young, your mom went through long bouts of depression, right?" From the corner of her eye, she caught Tommy's nod, "Um...and that she had wild mood swings?"

"What are you getting at?"

Jude's eyes went to her fingers, were they were pulling up blades of grass, "I read somewhere that sometimes symptoms of bipolar disorder can surface as late as thirty." Tommy didn't say anything, Jude continued with a knot in her stomach, "You're mom was twenty one when she had you, so even if she didn't show signs until you were eight, it's possible that she had it."

Tommy sighed, trying to keep his irritation in check. He had no reason to be upset; Jude was only trying to help, "Even if she does have it, what good would knowing be now? She already has Alzheimer's."

"That aside, I think it would be good for you to know." Jude eyes met his once again, "It's not your fault that your mom treated you the way she did - it was the disorder - And I know that you did some bad things as you got older, but you were just reacting to the situation the only way a ten year old could."

Tommy was shaking his head before she finished, too stubborn to see the truth in her words. Without addressing what she'd just said, he stood, forcing a smile to his face, "C'mon, let's go find some real paper so you can wash off."

Jude let Tommy pull her to his feet, and held still while he knotted her shirt in the back so the damp fabric wouldn't smudge the ink on her, "I look ridiculous." Jude complained

Tommy smirked, pulling on his own shirt, "No you don't - you look sexy."

Jude gently touched a fingertip to the top of what looked like a 'T', "This isn't going to stain, is it?"

Tommy shrugged, "It'll wear off."

"What does it say?"

Tommy pressed his lips to her temple as he passed her, "I'll play it for you when it's done."

Jude's eyes widened some, an excited smile breaking across her face as she turned to catch up with him, "You wrote a song for me?"

Tommy draped his arm over her shoulders, "Girl, I've written dozens of songs for you."

Jude gasped, "Really?"

Tommy chuckled, "You're not the only song writer."

They chatted lightly as they walked at an extremely slow pace. No matter the pace, though, they did make it back eventually. Once inside, Tommy rushed Jude to the back room so no one would ask what was written on her; he liked to keep his writing from anyone around here, all they would do is mock it.

Jude did as instructed and laid on the bed while Tommy dug an old beat up note book out from under his matress. She held very still as he copied what he'd written on to the pages of what Jude guessed to be Tommy's version of a journal. He didn't have one back home, anytime he wrote something, he'd type it into his computer, so it was an interesting change to actually see him write on his own.

Just as Tommy closed his notebook, an obnoxious knock landed against the door while someone yelled, "COCK BLOCK!" The sudden intrusion caused them both to jump. The person laughed as he walked away, Jude recognized the sound, matching it to Ryan, "Fucking asshole." She muttered

"Whoa!" Tommy suddenly exclaimed, scaring Jude all over again, "Did you just say fuck?" He laughed, "I don't think I've you heard you say that before."

Jude smiled, happy that Ryan's actions didn't put Tommy in a bad mood, "You haven't?" She asked, baffled, "I swear I've said it at least a few times."

Tommy shook his head, "Not in front of me."

Jude shrugged, "Well, now you know."

Tommy chuckled as he crawled on top of her, "Looks like I'm rubbing off on you."

Jude wrapped her arms around his neck, "I'll be coated in hair gel and leather in no time."

"Mmmm," Tommy flashed a sexy smirk, "Can't wait."

"Tom?" A softer voice asked through the door. Tommy leaned his forehead on Jude's with a quiet groan, "What do you want, Selena?"

"We're leaving."

Jude pecked Tommy on the lips and released him, "Go. I'll be out in a minute." Tommy got up with a sigh, "Oh," Jude added, "And kick Ryan in the balls for me."


	6. Chapter 6

"You are so pretty," Tommy's mom, Mariam, said softly to Jude, running her fingers over her face

Jude forced a smile, "Thanks."

Mariam settled back against the couch cushions, "Tom!" She called, "I need you to start raking the leaves outside, you know how Jimmy gets when the yard is messy."

Jude was long past getting confused or annoyed by Mariam's delusions; she simply sighed and waited for her to return to the present. "Tom!" She called again, aggravated

"Tommy's not here." Jude murmured, mostly to herself, knowing that it wouldn't make a difference what she said

"That's just like him!" Mariam shouted angrily, "Always taking off when chores needed to be done." She suddenly shoved up from the couch, "I get off a twelve hour shift and have to do everything. He's never any help!"

Jude rushed after Mariam as she headed for the kitchen and gently grasped her upper arms, "How about you just relax, then?"

Mariam shoved away from Jude's grip, "There's too much to do - Tom!"

"Tommy's not here," Jude repeated, trying to keep her absolute calm, "He already cleaned up." Every once in a while she'd try to shove some positive thoughts about Tommy into Mariam's fantasy world. It hardly ever made a difference later, but it worked for the moment.

"How sweet." Mariam smiled, suddenly in a sunny mood, "My boy. "

Jude smiled in a patronizing manner, and led her back to the couch, "How about you take a nap?"

Mariam drug a hand over face, "That's a good idea. You wouldn't believe the day I've had."

"Bet you wouldn't believe mine either," Jude bit under her breath, draping a blanket over Mariam's still form. She waited nearby until she could be positive that Mariam was sleeping before going to sit out on the porch steps, leaving the door open.

Jude sighed toward the empty space where the rental car usually resided. She'd suggested early this morning that Tommy take it out for a while, to get break from the madness. As reluctant as he was to do it, Jude could tell he really wanted to. She lovingly urged him out the door with a promise that everything would go smoothly, and that's exactly what she planned on telling him…no matter how big a lie it was.

Through the course of the day, Mariam experienced every emotion known to man. Twice. The worst was when she was angry, Jude didn't know what to do with her; she was just as stubborn and impulsive as Tommy was when he got angry. Must run in the family.

Jude checked her watch; 4:30 on the dot - the time Tommy promised to be back by. Jude smiled, there was relief in sight. At many points in the day, Jude regretted having Tommy leave his cell with her. It seemed like a good idea at the time, to have him completely detached so he could relax, but without Tommy around, it made it hard to understand what she was even doing there. But all the doubts would disappear the second Jude saw him again, she was sure of that.

She propped her feet up on the step she was sitting and wrapped her arms around her knees. She felt mentally and emotionally exhausted. Mariam had taken Jude right along with her on her roller coaster of mood swings. Jude felt like she'd felt enough to last a lifetime, leaving her with an odd numb feeling.

Is this what Tommy felt like all the time? Must be. Why else would he act the was he does? If the situation was switched, Jude wouldn't want to put Tommy through this either. She'd tell him to leave, to save himself. A frown came upon Jude's lips, wondering how bad it was before she got here. Tommy didn't show any signs of emotional distress on the phone, he never had a negative thing to say other than 'It's nothing less than what I expected.'

If she had any idea it was this bad, she'd have been here first flight out months ago. The fact that Tommy suffered alone for so long brought tears to her eyes. She was quick to push them away, though. She couldn't show Tommy she was getting weak or he would make her leave. She had to force a brave face until Tristan returned - whenever that might be.

Jude's head perked up at the sight of a blue car approaching, a smile breaking across her face when she noticed the driver. She got up and met him in the driveway. Her arms locked around his neck the second he was out of the car.

Tommy smiled, hugging her tight, "Hello to you too."

Jude took a deep breath, relishing in the scent of his cologne, and the comfort of being in his arms again. She knew she was being irrational - he was only gone half a day - but she didn't care, it felt more like years after the day she's had, "You smell delicious." She mumbled against his skin

Tommy smirked, "I found that mall you told me about and you were right, they had all my stuff there."

"Thought so." Jude leaned back, only enough to see his face, "Hey! You shaved."

Tommy nodded, "I kind of spoiled myself today."

Jude grinned, "Good."

Tommy pecked her on the lips and broke the embrace to retrieve the stuff he bought from the backseat, "Where's my mom?"

"Sleeping on the couch." Jude followed Tommy inside, and in to his room where he dumped all the bags on the bed. Jude caught sight of a pink Victoria's Secret bag and groaned, "Please tell me you didn't buy me underwear again."

"Yup." Tommy smiled, unrepentant, "To replace the ones at the bottom of the lake."

"Last time you did that, they ended up on Wally's head."

Tommy chuckled, remembering the crazy pajama party, "Oh yeah."

Jude cautiously examined the bag's contents and was relieved to find several pairs of black boy shorts, rather then the thongs Tommy had been trying to talk her into. Upon closer inspection, Jude found that all the pairs had the word sexy printed on the back in large pink lettering, "Tommy." Jude complained

Tommy broke open a pack of white undershirts and began unloading them into the top drawer of his dresser, "It's not my fault you have a nice ass."

Jude sighed, it could be worse, "The cashier ask who you were buying for?" She joked

"He did actually," Tommy smirked, "And I proudly said they were for my girlfriend - I bought you some more jeans, too."

Jude gasped and went for the remaining full bag, "Really? Just when I thought I couldn't love you more." She said, holding up a pair of dark washed jeans, "You buy me skinny jeans." Jude turned when he didn't answer, turned just in time to see Tommy shove something in his pocket, "What's that?"

Tommy shook his head, "Uh nothing. Hey, there's some groceries in the car. I found those gross chocolate pop tarts you like."

Jude eyed him suspiciously, but didn't press the subject, "Today was supposed to be about you, you didn't have to get all this stuff for me."

Tommy took a hold of Jude's hands, "But you are a part of me, so technically…" He trailed off, placing a kiss on Jude's lips.

Jude pulled back with a smile, "Mmm, you taste like red licorice."

"Do I?"

Jude nodded, and wound her arms around Tommy's waist, "I remember you tasted like red licorice the first time we kissed."

Tommy's eyebrows knitted, "The one at the Vinyl Palace?"

Jude buried her face in his chest, "That wasn't a kiss, that was a humiliation"

Tommy rubbed her back with an amused smirk, "Aw, don't be embarrassed about it. It was cute."

"It was not." Jude looked up at him, "I was talking about my sixteenth birthday."

Tommy groaned with a light wince, "That shouldn't have happened - All it did was hurt you more.""

Jude shrugged, "Yeah, but even then I couldn't deny that it was the best kiss of my life - probably still is."

Tommy sighed, lovingly ruffling Jude's hair, "And you've had me hooked ever since."

Jude grinned, "Same here."

Tommy caught Jude's wrist as her hand accidentally brushed against his back pocket and took a step away from her, "Let's go unload the car." He suggested with a smile that was more enthusiastic then necessary.

Jude squinted after him, her suspicions rising again, and they stayed that way all night. Tommy's behavior was more then a little off; he called Selena, Mike and Ryan to specifically tell them not to come over, and made another outside so Jude wouldn't hear. But the strangest was that he wouldn't let her in his room or the kitchen by herself.

Jude landed on the couch with a frustrated huff, deciding that she was going to question his behavior in the morning; too tired to do it now. Tommy joined her a minute later, after carrying his mom to bed. Jude curled up to him, resting against his chest. They lazily flicked channels for a while, landing on an old black and white movie.

It was midnight when Tommy finished off a bottle of water and handed Jude the empty bottle; a silent request for a refill. Jude rolled her eyes as she stood, Tommy smiled after her.

Jude tossed the garbage and ducked into the fridge for a fresh water, but in place of where the bottles of water usually were, there was a large glazed doughnut with a white candle in it. Jude didn't understand it at first but when Tommy whispered a quiet, "Happy Birthday, girl." from behind her, she realized.

"Tommy," Jude breathed, pulling the plate from the fridge, "I didn't even - You didn't have to-"

"Yes I did," Tommy interrupted as tucked some hair behind Jude's ear. He pulled a lighter from the drawer under the counter and lit the candle, "Make a wish."


	7. Chapter 7

Three years ago Jude's birthday wish was for Tommy and Shay to get along - and too keep Tommy in her life. Two years ago, her wish was to have a calm, drama free birthday - and to somehow make emends with Tommy. Last year her wish was that her and Tommy would make up and stay together. Her wish this year was that things would simply work out, and as she closed her eyes to make that wish, she knew she was asking a lot.

Jude forced her best fake smile and wrapped her arms around Tommy's neck while pressing her lips to his cheek, "Thank you."

Tommy captured her face between his hands and kissed her lips, "You are more then welcome." He blindly reached behind him and retrieved two forks, handing her one, "Happy birthday."

Jude flashed a playful smile and picked up her plate with the supersized doughnut on it, "I don't know what you think that other fork's for - I'm not sharing."

Tommy picked up on her playful mood and stabbed his fork toward her plate, "I think you are."

Jude giggled and weaved her way around him, going toward the living room, "I think not."

Tommy reached after her, gently poking her ass with the fork.

"That will get you nowhere." Jude said matter-of-factly over her shoulder before seating herself on the couch. Tommy followed a minute later, a cup of milk in hand. Jude took a large gulp, muttering a gargled "Thanks."

With her hands full, Tommy managed to snag a bite of her dessert. Jude objected with a glare, her mouth busy chewing. She set her cup aside and settled against Tommy as he put his arm around her. "Did you really forget your birthday?" Tommy asked a little while later

Jude nodded, her eyes focused on the TV that was now projecting a late night comedy act that Jude hadn't heard of, "I wasn't paying attention to the date." She smiled sweetly at him, "But you remembered."

"Of course."

Jude's smile grew wider, pure adoration in her eyes as she leaned up to kiss him, "I love you."

Tommy grinned back, "I love you."

Jude kissed him again and, with a sigh, handed over her plate, "I guess you kind of deserve a little bit for your amazingness."

Tommy put the plate on his lap, and with his free hand began picking at the food, "I do have something else for you." He mentioned casually

Jude's posture perked up, she turned to face him with wide eyes, "Really? What is it?"

Tommy shrugged, "I don't know." He teased

Jude tugged eagerly on his hand, "C'mon! I want it."

Tommy cocked an eyebrow andd leaned toward her, "Say that again, but lower and slower."

Jude rolled her eyes and pushed his face away, "I want my present."

Tommy smirked and stood, "You coming?"

Jude hopped up and followed on his heels as he entered the room and shut the door behind them. He dug to the very back of the top drawer in his dresser, and pulled out with his hand wrapped a small ring box.

Jude eyed the ring box with a small curious smile, he'd never gotten her a ring before. She shoved the thought of engagement from her mind, knowing that being that Tommy is, well, Tommy, he wouldn't do it like this, not here. Not to mention the fact that they were no where even close to being ready for marriage. Jude suppressed a sigh, knowing that, if he did ask, she'd say yes anyway.

Tommy popped open the small velvet box and presented Jude with the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen; white gold band with two hearts meeting on top, with a row of three diamonds set inside them, "Tommy," Jude breathed, taking the box from his hands, "It's beautiful." Tommy removed the ring from it's silk setting and took a hold of Jude's right hand, "I know it's not much," He spoke as he slipped the cool band onto Jude's ring finger, it settled with a perfect fit, "Just a promise that, no matter what, I'll always love you." He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the ring that was now hers, "And I know I don't say it enough, so let this be a reminder that I'm forever yours."

Jude stared at the ring, tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head lightly as she pulled him close in a tight embrace, her arms locking securely around his neck, "Thank you," She whispered, "I love you so much, I always will."

Tommy's hands grasped Jude's shoulders as he pulled her back enough to see her face, "I love you, Jude." His voice cracked around her name, tears of his own beginning to gather, "I know I'm not the easiest to deal with, but I really try with you. And I pray that you'll have the patience to stick this out with me."

Jude nodded, her tears falling freely now as she tightened her hold around him, "I'm all in." She told him solemnly, "No matter what."

Tommy gave a small, tearful smile and threaded his fingers in the gold locks of Jude's hair, "All in." He agreed before kissing her.

* * *

><p>"Jude!" Tommy screamed as he caught a painful kick to his gut from his mom, "I told you to fucking hold her!"<p>

Jude dodged Mariam's elbow, trying to restrain her arms to her sides, "I'm trying, Tommy! Give her the damn shot already!"

Tommy uncapped a syringe with his teeth and shoved the needle into Mariam's thigh. She let out a painful scream, "You!," She yelled at Jude, "You're supposed to help me you little bitch!"

Jude struggled against Mariam's struggles until the sedative caused her muscles to relax. Mariam's head lulled back against her pillow, her eyes finally slipping closed. Jude sighed as she released her hold and rested on her knees at Mariam's bed side. The mood swings came stronger and closer together these days. Tommy finally gave in and allowed a local doctor to prescribe sedatives for when his mother got too out of control; like today when she snatched the car keys and made a run for the vehicle. They had to chase her out the door to catch her and the second their hands came in contact with her, she responded violently.

Jude dabbed her tongue to the blood coming from her lip, from the feel of it, the split was slight. Her chest was still heaving slightly when she stood in search for Tommy.

As she predicted, the good times didn't last; Tommy was in the worst mood Jude has ever seen him in, and it was becoming an everyday thing lately. Jude was positive that in the time she's spent here, she and Tommy have fought more than they did in all the years they've known each other combined. All the arguments were pointless and one-sided; Tommy would get pissed, pitch a fit, and Jude would call him on how ridiculous he's being, thus furthering his tirade.

The most recent one revolved around Jude's suggestion of having Tommy's mom checked out by the doctor Sally had recommended, trying to ease him into the idea before admitting she'd already done it, but he started yelling before Jude could even get the words out and successfully cracked the doorframe on his way out from slamming the door so hard.

She didn't have to search extensively for Tommy as she normally did; upon opening the door, she was met with the sight of Tommy sitting on the front porch, his back to her, and his hands cupped around the flame coming from a lighter as he tried to light a cigarette.

Jude stopped at the sight of it, but really couldn't be surprised; there's tons to this new Tommy she didn't know about, "Tom." She said gently, "Are you alright?"

Tommy's fingers froze around the cigarette, obviously previously unaware of her presence, and considering tossing it, but ended up taking a long drag. "Fine" He muttered

"Sure you weren't a magician in a past life?" She said, taking a seat next to him, "Because you've the disappearing thing down pact."

Tommy seemed uncomfortable smoking with Jude sitting right next to him, his posture shifted slightly in an attempt to get Jude out of the path of smoke streaming from his lips, "Sorry," he said, "I had to get out of there….How's your lip?" Tommy added flatly, his words lacking any emotion, like he was asking just to be polite.

Jude touched her tongue to the cut again; it stopped bleeding already, "Fine."

Tommy took another drag, "Good."

Jude nodded, eyeing the Newport between his lips, "Would it be wrong to guess that you lied when you told me you didn't smoke?"

"No," Tommy said gently, seeming guilty, "I don't smoke," He clarified, "Not back home, anyway. Here, though…I tend to have the occasional cigarette when I'm stressed."

"Noted." Jude reached over and took the cigarette from his lips and placed it between hers, effortlessly taking a drag and blowing out a large puff of smoke.

Tommy watched the scene with wide eyes, equal parts surprised and confused, "Since when do you smoke?" He demanded

Jude shrugged, tapping her finger on the very edge to rid the burning ashes, "I don't. But I learned how in high school."

"Why?"

"Curiosity." Jude glanced at Tommy's shock ridden face and laughed, "Guess I'm not as innocent as I look, huh?"

Tommy snatched the cigarette before Jude could smoke anymore of it and put it out on the step, "It doesn't suit you."

"No?"

"No." Tommy confirmed sternly, "Besides, it's a nasty habit."

Jude smirked, "Says the man with a lighter in his pocket."

"I'm different," Tommy argued, "You? You're better than that."

Jude rolled her eyes and crossed her legs, "That's some pedestal to be put on from a guy who walks out on me."

"I come back, don't I?"

Jude caught Tommy's eyes for a moment, and in them she recognized his guarded gaze, but couldn't understand why he's so guarded with her. She lifted his arm and wrapped it around her waist, keeping both of her hands wrapped around his, "Talk to me." She whispered, leaning her temple against his cheek

Tommy removed his arm from around Jude and pushed up from the step "I'm going for a walk," He announced his voice harsher then he'd intended. He heard Jude stand behind him and added a cold, "Alone!" as he rounded the corner, taking him out of Jude's sight.

Jude landed back on the step with a sigh. She thumbed her promise ring as she stared blankly toward the street. She's taken to slipping the ring off when Tommy was really bad, times when she didn't see or feel the promises that came with it. Some days she'd tuck it in her pocket, others she would put in the drawer with her things, away from her person all together; Tommy didn't notice it either way. In the last couple weeks, things have only escalated to an all-time high, and Tommy's solution to the problem was going off by himself; to do what, Jude didn't know, but anytime something happened, he left. He always returned with a fresh apology, though, and that was a slight comfort.

Jude's eyes met her ring again, the diamonds sparkled brightly in the mid-day sunlight, making the hearts shine right along with them. It was a beautiful sight, Jude thought. And as she stared at it, she tried to look past the bullshit and remember that Tommy truly loved her. But all her mind produced was the cold, uncaring eyes he greeted her with this morning, muttering something about leaving the door open last night. She denied, he got pissed. Another day, another one-sided argument...

But while his reaction to the situation was loud and cold, Jude's was more subtle; she's taken to remaining numb to the whole thing. Anytime she was addressed, she responded with a short, quiet answer, her face smooth and blank. It was a challenge, though, especially when Tommy got pissed enough to scream at her. She always bit back the strong impulse to fight and scream right back, knowing that if she did, she'd say horrible things and just end up hurting him.

Tommy came back into sight all of the sudden, his pace rushed. _Six minutes_ Jude thought, glancing at her watch, _that's a new record_. She watched him come up the driveway and hugged him back when his arms wrapped around her, "I'm sorry." He breathed into her hair

Jude patted his back, "Its fine." She said

As he sat down, Tommy pulled Jude close with both arms wrapped around her and kissed her temple, "I'm sorry." He repeated

"It's alright," Jude murmured, standing from his grasp, "I'm gonna go clean up."

Tommy caught her hands and pulled her back down to him, this time sitting her on his lap, "Stay with me."

Jude sighed softly and rested her head in the crook of his neck while his arms settled tightly around her. Tommy put a finger under Jude's chin and tilted her face up, "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not."

Tommy arched his eyebrows, leaning his forehead against Jude's, "Yes you are."

Jude put a hand to his cheek, "I'm not. Promise."

"I said I was sorry," He insisted softly with a pleading edge to his tone

Jude smiled slightly as her body relaxed against his chest. Her breathing slowed to a peaceful rhythm resting in his arms, when she spoke again the words came out true, "I'm not upset."

Tommy smiled, recognizing the change in her tone and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

"Well isn't that adorable!" Mike called as he approached them, "Tommy and his little princess."

Tommy glared at him, his arms tightening around Jude, "What do you want?" He demanded

"Ryan's bringing over some...stuff." Mike shot a glance to Jude, "Want in?"

"I told you not to bring that shit over here anymore."

Mike sighed and shoved his hands in his back pockets, "Ryan's wife doesn't want it around the kids, and my mom can smell it a mile away. C'mon, Tom"

"What are you talking about?" Jude asked, looking between them

Tommy unwrapped Jude from his arms, and pushed her up from his lap, "Go inside."

Jude shot him a confused look, but did as he said.

Mike smirked, "What's the matter, Tom? Maybe a few hits will help her loosen up."

Tommy's hands fisted, "Leave her out of this."

Mike chuckled as he passed Tommy to sit on the lawn chair on the porch, "Touchy."

Tommy stood with a scowl on his face, his hands still wrapped in tight fists, "Keep the shit out here." He growled as he entered the house, locking the door behind him.

Ryan jogged up the porch steps a few minutes later, "Where's Tom?"

Mike clicked his tongue and wave his hand toward the door, "He's not smoking with us."

Ryan smirked, handing Mike a joint from a plastic ziplock, "Playing good for the princess?" He guessed

"Yup...She's such a goodie-goodie." Mike smiled

Ryan took a hit from his joint, blowing the smoke from the corner of his mouth, "What are you thinking?"

Mike shrugged, "Maybe she needs a little...push."

Ryan scoffed as he shook his head, "Tommy will kill you, man."

"Who says he'll even know?" Mike chuckled


	8. Chapter 8

Jude woke early the next morning in the lock of Tommy's strong hold. With a feather light touch, she ran her fingers along the arm holding her to his chest, a gentle smile playing on her lips. She couldn't remember the last time she woke up in his arms, to say it was nice would be a severe understatement. Careful not to wake Tommy, Jude turned over so she could see his face, her head resting on the bicep of his other arm. Much to Jude's surprise, there was a smile on Tommy's sleeping face as well. She tucked her head under his chin and fell back into an unsettled sleep.

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Tommy's eyes fluttered open a couple hours later, Jude's forehead against his chest, and his arm draped over her. With his eyes closed, he let himself believe for the moment that they weren't in the mess of a room he grew up in, and that they were back in his oversized apartment, in his oversized bed with a day of work ahead of them. It was a peaceful dream, but only a dream at that. He forced his eyes open at the sound of something breaking in the kitchen; probably a bowl, or a plate...or the microwave. He groaned and pulled the blanket over he and Jude's head.

Jude stirred a minute later, waking to dark surroundings, "What are you doing?" She asked groggily

"Hiding." Tommy whispered, a slight amusement coloring his tone

Jude chuckled, sleepily, her voice still horse, "From what?"

Tommy smiled, slowly leaning in until his nose touched hers, "The world."

Jude eyes fell closed, but she forced them open again. Her attempts seemed useless though, all the sleepless nights were catching up to her, "Can I hide with you?"

Tommy gave Jude a soft kiss, moving his hand down to rest on her hip, "Of course."

Jude inhaled a lung full of warm air through her nose, her jaw clenching against a yawn as she rolled to her back, "Can I sleep while we hide?" She grumbled

Tommy laughed as his fingers slipped under the waist band of the boy shorts Jude wore to bed, "I can think of something better to do."

Jude's eyes popped open at Tommy's suddenly husky voice. Her hand caught his when he dipped lower in to her underwear, "Tommy," She warned lightly, "You know we can't."

"Nobody knows we're awake," Tommy hushed against her lips, "We'll make it quick."

Jude laughed, shoving his hands away, "With the luck we've been having, you know we'll get caught."

But Tommy couldn't help it, in the thick air under the blanket, surrounded by it's warmth, with Jude laying so close to him, his penis stiffened in his boxers. Jude breath fanned his face when she sighed, only arousing him further. He leaned over so he was propped up on his elbow, his face hovering over hers, "You know you want to."

Jude bit her lip. What she wanted came second to the potential embarrassment of getting caught and the last thing she wanted was Ryan or Mike seeing any part of her uncovered. Her hands reached up and gently cupped his neck, "Not here." She said dismissively

Tommy groaned under his breath and laid his forehead on hers. Jude chuckled and moved so he was on his back and she was laying on his chest, "How about we try something different?"

She asked, a slight nervousness causing her to hesitate before continuing, "Trust me, you'll like it." She forced her voice to sound confident. Removing the blanket from their bodies, Jude pulled Tommy by the hands so he was sitting on the edge of the bed with her kneeling between his knees.

Tommy quickly caught on and tried to stand up, only to be caught by Jude, "No, no, Jude. You don't hav-"

Jude leaned up and firmly pressed her lips to his with a subtle, "Shhh," before deepening the kiss.

"Jude," Tommy said again, firmer this time, but whatever he was about to say was drowned in quiet groan when Jude's began massaging the growing bulge in his boxers. "Do you want me to stop?" His only response was a growl of protest while leaning his head back, succumbing to the pleasure. Jude smirked, "That's what I thought."

With a nervous glance toward the door, Jude adjusted her posture and licked her lips before wrapping them around his shaft, just below the head. Her lips slid along his erection, taking in as much as possible, while her hand stroked the rest in sync with her mouth. She began sucking lightly, and Tommy spoke her name in a breathless whisper. This was a favor Jude would much rather receive than give, which is why she'd only done it a couple times before.

It made her uncomfortable knowing that she was at the end of a line of countless girls who has done this for Tommy, especially since she figured she was far from the best he's ever had. And being that Tommy is the caring person he is, he never forces her, or asks her to do it. It was an odd kind of stage fright, but she was currently pleased that she's managed to render him helpless at the moment, and gained confidence from that.

"More," Tommy panted, his fingers threaded in Jude's hair, guiding her up and down. Jude relaxed her throat and allowed Tommy in further, eliciting a moan from him. She felt his body beginning to tense and gently drug her teeth along the length of him before pausing to briefly swirl her tongue around the very tip, and going back down.

Tommy's fingers dug into the mattress, gathering the sheet up under his fist. He felt extremely close to losing control and Jude wasn't showing any signs of stopping, "Jude..."

Jude ignored him, and held her lips tighter around him, moving along him a little faster. Tommy groaned as he came in Jude's mouth. She grimaced and quickly swallowed. As Tommy slowly came down from his high, Jude went into the enjoined bathroom and rinsed her mouth to rid the taste. After a few minutes, Jude gaped with surprise when Tommy's arms suddenly wrapped around her, his lips to her ear, "I fucking love you, you know that?"

Jude's eyes met his in the refection of the mirror over the sink; he smiled at her, "I love you too." She said, reaching her arm back to pull her fingers through his hair

Without warning, Tommy spun Jude around and hoisted her up on to the counter. Jude's gasp was cut off by Tommy as he attacked her lips in a devouring kiss. She couldn't protest this time, she was already completely melted under his touch, a heat beginning to rise between her legs as Tommy pressed himself against the thin cotton barrier of her panties. He blindly reached back and slammed the bathroom door shut

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"Glad someone got to sleep in." Selena remarked bitterly the second she saw Tommy coming down the hall, Jude close behind, "I know you and your little pet there," She gestured to Jude, "Are used to living the good life, but I'm out here taking care of your mother, Tom."

"Tell them Selena!" Mike called from the kitchen. Jude glared in his general direction, while Tommy scowled at Selena, "Was there any trouble?" He demanded through his teeth

Selena crossed her arms with a curt tilt of her head, "Yes, actually. She threw a plate through the kitchen window."

That explains the crash Tommy heard earlier. He sighed and dropped Jude's hand from his, going to assess the damage in the kitchen. Jude lingered behind, nervously pressing her swollen lips together before deciding to check on Mariam instead of facing Ryan and Mike. They would surely notice her lips, and the poorly hidden love bite near the base of her neck. She cupped her hand over it with a smile, _Best shower ever_.

"Good morning Mariam," Jude greeted, her voice dreamy and distracted, her mind still on Tommy

Mariam turned over on her bed to see who entered the room. Surprisingly enough, she offered Jude a sincere smile, "Jude," She cooed, "Come sit with me." Mariam patted the bed next to her as she sat up.

Jude settled against the headboard, her legs crossed in front of her, "How are you doing today?"

"Hmph," Mariam huffed, turning her head to glare out the little window in her room, "Jimmy called me in to work, I need to leave soon."

Jude pursed her lips, completely uninterested in what Mariam was saying. Earlier questioning left Jude with the knowledge that Jimmy was Tristan's dad, and Mariam met him when she worked as a waitress in a local seafood restaurant; Jimmy was her boss.

"I don't mind," Mariam continued, "I love him. He gave me Tristan."

"Yup." Jude murmured mindlessly. Obviously, Mariam was lost in a time before Tommy even existed. Jude preferred it this way; she was going to snap if she had to listen to another rant about how horrible Tommy is.

Mariam wrapped her arm around Jude's shoulders, "Let's go for a walk," she suggested enthusiastically, "Before my shift starts."

Jude faked a yawn, "I don't know, Mariam, I'm pretty tired - I bet you are too. How about a nap instead?"

Mariam's yawn followed closely after Jude's, her eyes drooping, "That's a good idea." Jude nodded, her eyes staring at the white wall across from the bed. She wasn't sure how much time had passed before she felt Mariam's head fall against her shoulder in a quiet slumber, but the second she did, the front door slammed shut with a force that rattled the windows, causing Mariam to jolt up in shock and run out of the room before Jude could catch her.

"What did you do now?" Mariam screamed at Tommy, "Every time I get ahead, you ruin it!"

"Yeah, I just ruin everything, don't I?" Tommy yelled back sarcastically

Mariam slapped her hands against Tommy's chest, "YES! You're worthless! Do you hear me, Tommy? Good for nothing son of a bitch, you are!"

Tommy only nodded, his arms hanging at his sides, "I hear you loud and clear, Ma."

Mariam sneered and shoved him, sending him stumbling back several feet, "Don't you use that tone with me! I'm your mother!"

"Mariam," Jude said softly, pulling her away from Tommy by the arms, "C'mon, let's get you back to bed."

Mariam struggled only briefly, before turning to Jude and relaying a story about Tommy that Jude had heard a dozen times before. Once Jude had Mariam settled and sleeping in bed, she joined Tommy on the couch, her head laying on his shoulder, "Are you okay?"

"They're a bunch of fucking assholes," He growled, "I'm done with them."

"Who? Your mom?"

"No, Selena and them."

"What did they do now?"

"I found this!" Tommy nearly shouted as he held up a small square piece of paper with a deep crease across it. The blood drained from Jude's face at the sight of it; it was the prescription the doctor wrote for Mariam a few weeks ago for her bipolar disorder...the one Jude got behind Tommy's back, "They said they didn't do it - bullshit! Who else would? And it's not like my crazy fucking mother went out and got it herself."

In a panic due to Tommy's overwhelming anger, Jude decided to play stupid, "What is it?"

Tommy crumpled the delicate paper in his fist and tossed it across the room, "It's a prescription for Depakote and Tegretol." He explained

Jude bit her lip, hoping her face didn't look too guilty, "Uh wh-where did you find it?"

"On the fridge."

Jude cursed under her breath - she knew she left it somewhere, but after several hours of searching she figured it was lost for good and of course never mentioned it to Tommy, fearing this exact reaction from him, "Isn't that for bi-"

Tommy cut her off by suddenly standing from the couch and shoving his feet into a pair of his shoes by the door, "C'mon!" He yelled to her, irritated

Jude hopped up right away and followed suit, "Your mom." She said, mostly in an attempt to get him to slow down so she could get her shoes on all the way.

It worked, Tommy halted to a stop and turned in the direction of where the home nurse lived. Jude pulled her heels in to her white sneakers, silently swearing to by sandals as soon as possible. Before Jude could catch up with him, Tommy was already done talking to the nurse and headed back on his previous path. Jude huffed and chased after him.

Tommy set a pace that had Jude rushing to keep up, her hand wrapped around his, "Tommy!" She demanded, yanking on his arm, "Wait up."

Tommy sighed and slowed to a normal walking pace, muttering something negative about bringing Jude with him. Jude shot him a thankful smile at his change of pace, ignoring whatever he just said. She waited while Tommy's anger fizzled out, leaving his face blank. As he calmed, his fingers tightened around Jude's hand, "Those guys piss me off." He muttered

Jude nodded, "I can tell." She muttered guiltily and waited until they were close to town to say what she needed to; hopefully he won't blow up with all these people around, "Tommy," She said, pulling him to a stop.

Tommy turned to face her with a very slight smile on his lips, the worst of his dark mood behind him, "Yeah babes?"

Why did he have to look at her like that? Jude shifted on her feet, trying to avoid eye contact, "You know I love you more then anything, right?"

Tommy nodded, his smile growing, "Yeah."

Jude bravely tilted her chin up and stared him straight in the eye, "And you love me, right?"

"You know I do."

Jude exhaled, a look of determination coming her face; this was it, she had to tell him now or never, and never wasn't an option anymore, "I did it." She admitted, taking a firm grip on his hands

Tommy's eye brows knitted, "Did what?"

"Tommy, I need you to listen to me, and not freak out - keep in mind that there are a lot of people around," And as she said it, as if to prove her point, several small towners were leaning in to catch their conversation, "I'm the one who had your mom diagnosed. I did it a few weeks ago, and I did it out of complete love for you."

"You what?" Tommy demanded causing Jude to jump at the sudden volume in his tone, "After I specifically told you not to?" He dropped her hands and crossed his arms over his chest

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you needed to know."

Tommy tongued his cheek and threw his arms up, "Who the fuck are you to tell me what I need? Huh?"

Jude sucked in a breath, her eyes darting toward all the lurking ears, "Tommy. Calm down."

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down, Jude!" Tommy shouted.

Jude stared at him with wide eyed bafflement, unable to process why he's reacting so strongly, "I did it because I love you and I don't want to to suffer anymore! All the crazy shit your mom did wasn't your fault!"

Tommy shook his head, "I can't believe you did this." His tone was low and acidic, "From day one, all I asked you to do was butt out, and couldn't even do that."

Jude bit against the anger rising, using her weeks of practice to keep her emotions in check, "And I've done everything you-"

"No! What I told you to do was stay the hell out of it!"

"And I did! I just wanted-"

"What you wanted?" Tommy interrupted again, ignoring the small group of people gathering around their argument, "Everything is ALWAYS about what YOU want! You're so fucking selfish!"

Jude clenched her jaw, and spoke in a calm, rational tone, "Tommy, you know that's not true. I-" She pressed her lips together with a light nod when he cut in again, working hard not to fight back

"You've been lying to me for weeks!"

"I didn't lie to you Tommy. I went behind your back, yes, but I never lied about it - I've been waiting for the right time to tell you."

"I want you gone." Tommy said as he turned away from her, pushing past anyone in his way

Jude glares after him and explodes at the statement. All her composure suddenly gone, "Talk about being bipolar!" She shouted after him at the top of her lungs, "You're just like her!"

Tommy's steps faltered to a clumsy stop at her words. He turned to glare at her with a dark, unreadable anger in his eyes, "Don't. You. Ever compare me to her again."

"Why not?" Jude continued to yell across the good ten feet residing between them, "You sure as hell act like it!"

With three long strides, Tommy was right back in Jude's face, "Shut the fuck up." He growled at her

"Truth hurts." Jude said, her tone back to a normal level, with a seething anger behind it

Tommy sneered in her face for a long moment, with Jude sneering back at him, "I want all your shit out of my house_. Now._" With that he turned and stormed away from her

"Tommy!" Jude called, following right on his heels, "Tommy stop!"

Tommy continued forward, "I have nothing more to say to you."

Jude followed Tommy all the way back home. He immediately made a b-line for the bedroom and dug Jude's duffle bag from the closet, tossing it toward the door. Jude kicked it aside, and went right for him, "Tommy, stop it!" She got a grip on his leather jacket and managed to pull him from the closet for the moment, "Tommy! Stop and look at yourself right now!"

Tommy merely ripped his arm from Jude's grasp and began yanking Jude's clothes from their hangers; they all landed in a pile by her duffle bag. Jude made another attempt to stop him by grabbing the sleeve of his jacket, and in his attempt to get her off, the back of his hand accidentally swiped across her face with enough force to make her hit the carpet with a light yelp...

Both if their bodies completely froze in that instant; Tommy's with his hand on Jude's favorite sweater and Jude on the floor with her arm holding her up. The world around them came to a sudden stand still, neither moved, both trying to process what just happened. Jude thawed first, her hand going up to rest against the burning skin on her cheek.

"Jude," Tommy choked out, dropping to his knees, "Jude, I didn't mean to - it was an accident, I didn't hit you on pur-"

Jude cut him off by holding up her hand, both motioning for him to shut up and for him not to come any closer. With a silent gasp of air, Jude realized that her hand was covered in red. She sat up and touched her finger to her cheek and sure enough, the right side of her face was dripping blood. She scrambled to her feet and rushed to the mirror in the bathroom, and with horrified sob, found that there was a slash across her cheek; starting at the very top of her cheek bone and thinning to an end just above her upper lip. She ripped a towel from the rack behind her and damped it with cold water before staining the white fabric a gruesome red.

Tommy entered the room just as Jude got the bleeding under control, "I'm so sorry," He gasped, "It was a complete accident, you know I would never...Here, let me help you," He said, damping another towel and moving to hold it to her face

Jude shook her head, "Don't touch me."

"Jude," Tommy pleaded, dropping the towel and making a reach for her. His eyes filled with tears, "Listen to me, I didn-"

Jude backed herself up against the wall, her arms crossed securely over her chest, her eyes on Tommy's hand where ring that caused the slice in her skin resided, "This wasn't an accident." She said

Tears spilled began rolling down Tommy's cheeks at her words, "It was." He insisted, "I wouldn't ever hit you on purpose."

Jude teeth clamped hard on the inside of her bottom lip, the pain of it distracted her from the lump in her throat, "This," She gestured to her face, "May have been a mistake, but the circumstances weren't. If you hadn't lost your tempter and overreacted - as usual - this wouldn't have happened," She drew in a slow breath through her nose, "I'm sorry that your mom is a horrible person. And I'm sorry that you had a horrible childhood but that's no excuse for you to act this way - not to me."

"I know," Tommy agreed quickly, nearly sobbing now, "It won't ever happen again, Jude. I swear - it was an-"

"Accident." Jude finished with a sigh, "I know." She put hand on Tommy's chest when he moved to approach her again, "I need some air. Please don't follow me."

With the most gentle of touches, Tommy grasped her upper arms to stop her, "Jude, please." He begged, "Don't leave. I'm sorry."

"Tommy," Jude shrugged off his hands, "I really can't be around you right now. Give me a few minutes to collect myself." This time, Tommy didn't stop her when she passed.

Jude was greeted with the light chill of an early autumn evening; the chill helped the sting on her cheek dull some. At first, her wandering was aimless, mostly going in circles, but the eyes of everyone who saw the fight or heard about it was following her step, waiting til her back was turned to start whispering. She was sure her face looked horrible, and her posture was the one of someone whose been completely defeated.

Jude eventually happened across a less populated area, her feet hitting the gravel of a parking lot surrounding the local bar

lllllllllllllllllllllll

"Hey man!" Mike called to Ryan, who was sitting at the very end of the bar, "Check this out," Mike said holding up a small vial of clear liquid

Ryan's eyes lit at the small glass tube, "Is that what I think it is?"

Mike smirked, "Yup, good old Roofies - got it from Bobby." He took a seat next to Ryan and ordered a drink, "You know what I was thinking...?"

Ryan shook his head, "Don't do it, man - You're high."

Just then the bell over the door sounded loudly, signaling a new costumer. Mike grinned at the sight of Jude and looked back at Ryan, "Word around town is, her and Tommy had a blow out and she's been roaming around ever since," He smirked, "Cold, lonely, frightened..."

Ryan sighed into his drink, "You might want to sober up before trying anything."

Mike rolled his eyes and ordered a beer. Once the bar tender placed it in front of him, he dumped half of the vial's contents in to the glass bottle.

"Don't do it, man," Ryan warned, "Tommy will kill you with his bare hands if you hurt her."

Mike waved him off and stood from his bar stool, "Fuck Tommy, and besides, I'm not gonna hurt her...Just mess with her a little."

Ryan shrugged and watched as Mike offered Jude the beer. She denied it at first, but after a minute, she took it from Mike and swallowed a large swig. Mike grinned at Ryan over his shoulder and ordered two more beers.


	9. Chapter 9

Jude wasn't loud. She barely made any noise - come to think of it - other than the occasional humming, or maybe even singing every now and then. But somehow, her just being around, in the same room, spoke volumes. Her presence has a voice of its own, it seems. And as Tommy lay on the couch in the living room, he slowly realized these things. The silence surrounding him was testing his sanity. There was absolutely nothing to break it. Nothing. No chatter amongst his friends, no television, no mom throwing a fit, no cars on the road, no airplanes in the sky - just him, alone in the quiet.

The last time he felt this way was five months ago, after he and Jude had a fight. They were lightly touching on the subject of her possibly moving in with him after having spent a long weekend together, and she was offended when he gave a firm negative; giving the excuse that it was too soon, when really, he just wasn't ready to give up his space. But after Jude stormed out, leaving him home alone, he couldn't think of anything he wanted more then to have her lying next to him again. The silence that followed was maddening. He couldn't believe how much he missed her after only a few minutes.

The springs squeaked as Tommy turned to his side, briefly disrupting the ringing in his ears. The dead quiet was making him claustrophobic, like somehow it was pressing against him, leaving him short for air. In a sudden movement, Tommy shoved up from the couch, heading for the door.

His footsteps against the concrete did little to soothe his growing anxiety. It was still too quiet. The houses around were dark and settled in for the night, creating an eerie sort of scene around him. The sound of waves crashing against the shore eventually became the only noise as he looked out to the water. No moon tonight, he noted, glancing up toward the black sky.

Where could Jude possibly be? All the stores were closed, the only hotel was over a mile away and, knowing Jude, she wouldn't walk that far. He nervously jostled the keys in the pocket of his grey sweat pants. She must be wandering the streets like he was.

llllllllllllll

"You're cooler then I gave you credit for, princess." Mike said, draping his arm over her shoulders as they sat in a booth near the back of the bar. They'd been in heated music debate just minutes ago, well, heated on Mike's end. Jude couldn't seem to find the strength to talk any louder than a low mutter. The voices of the late night small town rift-raft started to blur a while ago, shortly after her first beer. And her vision started to soften around the edges half way through her second.

Jude cracked a smile, speaking in a slurred and dazed tone, "See? All you hadtado wasss gimme a chance."

Mike chuckled, taking a swig from his beer. He pulled her closer, pinning her between him and the wall, "How about you give me one now?"

Jude blinked slowly. She didn't like that he was so close, or the huskiness in his voice. She wanted to push him away, but she couldn't get that message to the rest of her body. Her hands lay limply in her lap. Drinking has never had this effect on her before, she realized with an underline panic buried somewhere in her subconscious. Drinking never made her so...loopy.

"What happened to your face?" Mike asked, touching Jude's cheek

"Youalready asked me dat," Jude laughed and slapped a finger over her lips, "You can't tell nanybody, mmmkay?" Mike nodded. Jude meant to put her lips to his ear, but stopped a little short, landing them on his cheek, "Tommy hit me." She pulled back with a slight nod, "But shhhh Ima keep it a secret."

Mike cocked an eyebrow, completely thrown off by her little secret. His grin turned condescending, planning on using this against Tommy later, "I won't tell." He lied

"Good." Jude sighed,

Mike offered Jude the rest of her beer by holding the rim of her bottle to her lips; she willingly chugged the rest of it and allowed her head to fall against Mike's shoulder. As the minutes ticked by, she tripped and stumbled through her clouded mind, trying to get a grip on any form of clear thought. When she opened her eyes again, her peripheral vision was completely blurred and everything seemed a lot further away than they were; like she was looking through a tunnel.

Mike noticed with a sleazy smile that Jude was slipping fully under the influence of the drug he put in her drinks, "How about I take you home?" He whispered before kissing her ear

Mike's lips on her skin made her cringe, and she was relieved to find she could still do that at least. Keeping his arm tight around Jude, Mike scotched out of the booth, holding her against him, "C'mon, baby. Let's get you to bed."

Jude groaned under her breath, the panic starting to surface. She put her hands against his chest, trying to push him away and trying even harder to make her voice sound assertive, "No. I want to wait here for Tommy."

"I'm taking you to him," Mike said, "Don't worry."

Jude's mind was spinning faster than the room around her as she shoved him away from her, but without his arm holding her up, she stumbled back, catching herself on the wall.

"How much did you give her?" Ryan demanded in a harsh whisper, suddenly standing next to Mike

Mike smirked, retrieving the glass vial from his pocket, "All of it. She'll be fucked up all night."

Ryan's eyes widened, snatching the vial from Mike's fingers, "You wasted the whole thing on her? You know my girl loves that shit."

Mike gave a drunken laugh before finishing off his beer and dropping the empty bottle on a nearby table, "Always more where that came from."

Ryan watched Jude sway in place, her hands braced against the wall behind her, "And what do you plan on doing with her?"

Mike shrugged, "Leave her under the dock and make Tommy go crazy looking for her." He pulled Jude to him by the hand, she landed against his chest with a thud, "Maybe we'll fool around a little."

"That's fuckin stupid," Ryan remarked "What if she flips out or something? You need to take her to Tommy - Tell him you found her this way."

"Nah, I like my plan better." Mike winked as he led Jude out the door.

Jude paid little attention to their conversation, unable to make sense of it. She vaguely remembered being told she was going back to Tommy. Was that true? The sound of crunching gravel suddenly disappeared, Jude looked up, vaguely able to make out the dark shapes of cars and trees, "Where we goin?" Her voice was low and scratchy

"Don't worry about that, princess. Just relax." Mike's arm moved down to rest around her waist

Jude stopped moving her feet, causing Mike to stop as well. The sleazy sound of his voice had her panicking all over again as she tried to pry Mike's arm off, "Let go!"

Mike smirked, her weak efforts doing nothing to loosen his grip, "Calm down. Everything's fine." He stepped behind her and wrapped both his arms around her, pinning her arms in place, "We're just going for a walk."

Jude struggled the best she could, "Stop!" She demanded, her voice gaining some strength, "Let me go!" She shoved herself against his chest. The next she knew, they were both on the gravel of the bar's parking lot. She hadn't felt the fall, but she felt when Mike shoved her off his chest and stood, "Bitch!" He yelled, feeling at the blood coming from the back of his head where a sharp rock edge hit him when he fell.

Jude sat up holding her head, her breathing fast and shallow. Even though she was sitting still, she felt like she was being spun around violently.

Mike got a rough grip on Jude's wrists and yanked her off the ground. "LET GO!" She screamed

Tommy had stepped on to the street that went past the bar when he heard the scream. It was too scratchy to be matched to Jude, though, so he kept his eyes on the ground, writing it off as some drunk idiots rough housing.

"STOP!"

The same voice sounded again, this time Tommy's head shot up. He was a few yards away, but he was able to instantly identify Jude, and the man she was struggling with as Mike. When Jude stumbled back and fell on to the street, Tommy started running. By the time he got there, Mike had pulled her up again and was holding Jude against his chest, "Get off of me!" Jude screamed

Tommy came up behind Mike, grabbed a fistful of his shirt and yanked him away from Jude, landing him on the ground. Jude tripped over her feet, Tommy quickly caught her, "Jude?" He ducked his head, trying to make eye contact, "Are you drunk?" Jude didn't answer, her knees going weak

"What the fuck did you do to her?" Tommy demanded

"Nothing she can't sleep off." Mike said as he stood

Tommy's heart pounded in his chest, with both rage at Mike and concern for Jude, who was completely limp in his arms now. He laid her flat on the street, kneeling next to her, "Jude!"

He yelled, tapping either side of her face. More urgently this time "JUDE!" With blazing eyes, Tommy turned to Mike, "WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER?"

Mike held his hands up, "Just a few drinks!"

Jude stirred under Tommy's hands, her chest was rising and falling at an alarming rate, "Tommy," She gasped, "I can't - I can't breathe!" Her hands clawed at her chest, searching for the obstruction

Tommy held her hands still, "Jude, did you take anything?"

Jude gave a jerky shake of her head, "No!"

Mike watched her with an amused smirk, "Such a drama queen." He muttered

Tommy brushed the hair from Jude's face, urgently trying to get a response from her. Tommy's own breathing faltered as he ripped his cell from his pocket and dialed 911. The ambulance arrived short after. Tommy demanded answers from the medics as they worked over her but they were to rushed to respond. Jude called for Tommy as they strapped her to a gurney.

Without hesitation, and despite the light objections from the medics, Tommy hopped in to the ambulance and held Jude's hand all the way to the hospital.


	10. Chapter 10

_"Do you know of anything she might have taken?"_

_"No - I haven't seen her since this afternoon - What's happening to her?"_

_"She's not getting enough oxygen - we won't know why until the hospital can run some tests...Anytime in the last few days has she done any drugs?"_

_"No."_

_"I'm sorry, sir, we need you to stay out here while we work on her."_

_llllll_

_"Ms. Harrison, can you hear me? Can you squeeze my fingers? - She's unresponsive, do a full work up."_

_llllll_

_"There isn't anything you can tell me?"_

_"No. We can't give out any information to non-family members."_

_"I'm the closest she has right now!"_

_"I'm sorry, Mr. Quincy."_

_llllll_

_"...We'll need you to sign on her behalf."_

_"Is it dangerous - will it hurt her?"_

_"Not at all."_

_"What do you want me to sign?"_

_"Permission to treat her."_

_"If I sign this will you tell me what's wrong?"_

_"I'll tell you what I can..."_

_lllllll_

"_There's signs of abuse, I'm legally obligated to ask-"_

"_I didn't touch her!"_

"_Walk me through what happened last night again."_

"…_We won't be involving the police until she's awake…"_

_lllllll_

_Beep...beep...beep _

Jude squeezed her eyes shut as she stirred from a restless sleep. She pressed her fingers to the space between her eyebrows_, What strange dreams_. With a quiet sigh she turned to her side, keeping her eyes closed and hoping to sleep a little longer.

_Beep...beep...beep_

In her fogged state of mind the consistent beep didn't register as anything to be concerned about. She wasn't alarmed til a while later when she heard a doctor being paged over a scratchy intercom. Her eyes opened to a grey glow streaming from a window patterned with streaks of falling rain water, bordered with white curtains that matched the molding on the light blue walls. She breathed in a scent that vaguely resembled rubbing alcohol and fresh linens and came to the full realization that she was in a hospital. The uncomfortable fabric of her blanket rubbed against her bare legs as she turned over; she was very securely tucked in for some reason.

Confused and disoriented, Jude reached for the remote draped over the bed railing, hitting the nurse button.

"Glad to hear you're awake, Ms. Harrison." A cheery voice came through the little speaker; Jude cringed against the sound and turned the volume dial down, "I'll be right in."

Jude yanked the blanket out from under the edges of the flat mattress and pulled herself up into a sitting position while adjusting her hospital gown. The room around her was small, filled only with a plush chair that matched the color of the walls, and a folding chair at her bedside. Staring at the plastic bracelet secured around her wrist, so many questions overwhelmed her sluggish mind.

"Hello, sweetheart," A nurse with a smile said as she came to Jude's bedside, "You've been out for quite a while."

"Why am I here?" Jude asked, her voice horse. She flinched against the pain of clearing her throat

The nurse busied herself with wrapping a cuff around Jude's arm while she spoke, "You were brought in last night with a severe case of Hypoventilation - You weren't getting enough air to your lungs."

"Why?" She croaked

"Sorry, sweetheart, your doctor has your chart - you'll have to ask him." She hit a button, releasing the pressure on Jude's arm, "Blood pressure looks good," She said, holding a thermometer to Jude's lips, "Under your tongue."

Jude swallowed against the pain throbbing in her throat as she examined the bruises forming around her forearm, "Do you know where my boyfriend is?" She asked when the nurse took the thermometer

"He left a while ago. But he told me to tell you - if you woke up - that he'll be right back."

Jude nodded, relieved that she'll see him soon.

"He never left your side, though," The nurse continued, "He really loves you - you're lucky."

Jude gave a slight smile, "I am."

"Are you having any pain?"

"Um, just in my throat." Jude answered, watching the nurse check the machine that controlled the monitor she suddenly realized was strapped to her chest at various points; the ends looked a lot like suction cups

"No chest pain?" Jude shook her head "Very good," The nurse approved, "You're doctor will be in shortly, so I'll leave to rest until then."

"Thanks Umm-"

"Sarah."

"Sarah," Jude smiled as Sarah left, dragging her medical cart with her.

Jude didn't have much time to gather herself, because only a few minutes after the nurse walked out, she heard footsteps approaching; and just by the sound of his steps, she knew it was Tommy. She sat up again, regretting not having Sarah adjust the back of the bed. Tommy rounded the corner a second later, distracted by his cell phone, obviously not expecting Jude to be awake.

"Hey stranger," She whispered, gaining his attention

Tommy breathed a deep sigh of relief, a smile coming to his lips as he wrapped his arms around Jude in a tight embrace, "Jude," He breathed, "You have no idea how happy I am to finally see you awake." He pulled back and kissed her lips with both hands on her face

Jude smiled, "Care to fill me in on what I'm doing here?"

Tommy shrugged, Jude face still between his hands, "I was going to ask you the same thing. What the hell happened last night?"

Jude's eyebrows pulled together as she concentrated, "I went to the dock, then into town," She listed out loud, "Ummm...the bar...I think had a drink?"

"You went drinking?" Tommy asked incredulously

"I don't know," Jude muttered, "I don't remember anything."

Tommy sighed, "The doctors won't tell me anything - I'm not family."

Jude smiled softly, "You should've lied."

Tommy lowered the bed rail, "Yeah, I didn't think of that until later - do you want this up?" Jude nodded and Tommy raised the head of the bed, "All I know is that - due to a drug overdose - you stopped breathing and they had to intubate.."

Jude made room for Tommy on the bed, "I had a tube down my throat?"

"It was pretty damn scary looking too - I was freaking out. They wouldn't tell me what happened or why -" Tommy cut off, his voice growing thick

"I'm sorry," Jude said automatically, not sure why she was apologizing but wanting to get the sad look off his face, "Did you bring me here?"

Tommy's lips twitched as he tried to hide the emotion in his tone, "I found you fighting with Mike in the street - he said he was trying to take you home but you didn't want to come."

Tommy looked down at Jude with a very serious expression, "What did you take?"

Jude blinked, surprised and a little angry at the accusation, "Nothing, Tommy. I'm not stupid." She stretched out her arm, "How did I get these?"

"I don't know - you fell a few times, maybe that's it."

Jude grabbed Tommy's hand, putting it over the darkest bruise and matching his fingers to the pattern, "That's not from falling down."

Tommy yanked his hand away, offended by her skeptical gaze, "I didn't do it."

Jude crossed her arms, "I'm not saying you did - Just that someone did." She sighed, wincing a little at a sudden pain between her eyes

Tommy's stone face softened and he pulled her close to his side, "I'm sorry, baby." He murmured, "This is all my fault."

"Your fault? How?"

Tommy's face tightened in to a pained expression, "You wouldn't have left if I hadn't..." He trailed of, brushing his fingers along the cut on Jude's cheek, "I'm so sorry." His voice broke against her skin, laying an easy kiss of the corner of her mouth

Jude caressed his face, keeping his lips on her skin, "Please don't beat yourself up about it - It was an accident."

Tommy inhaled a deep breath, and exhaled it in a gust, "I'd feel better if you punched me or something."

"I'd never do that." Jude giggled "But don't tempt me either."

Tommy's face didn't sway from its dark expression. Jude rolled her eyes with a sigh, pushing herself up so her face was level with his, "When did you talk to Mike?"

"When I left to get the car - he was at the house with Selena."

"Did you leave your mom alone?" Jude asked, her eyes wide

Tommy shrugged, "You are far more important than she is."

"Is she alright?"

Tommy read the sincere concern in her eyes with confusion in his own, "You're seriously worried about her?"

"Of course - she's your mom."

Tommy shook his head, a tiny smile hinting at the corners of his lips, "I don't deserve your love."

"Sure you do." Jude grinned softly before letting her eyes fall closed, "I'm so crazy disoriented."

"You were out for almost fourteen hours."

"Really?" Jude gaped, "No way."

Tommy nodded, "Fourteen longest hours of my life."

Jude tucked her head under Tommy's chin with a yawn, "You'd think after fourteen hours I'd be wide awake but I'm so tired."

Tommy put his hand to the side of her face, "You've had a rough day."

Jude laid quietly for a long while, just listening to the steady beat of Tommy's heart. She shoved the confusion aside, trying to focus to the fact that her and Tommy are miles away from that hell hole of a house hold and lying peacefully together. Tommy's fingers pulled though her hair, deep in thought. Every once in a while he'd kiss the top of her head and this made Jude wonder what he was thinking about.

"Are you sleeping?" Tommy asked quietly as he listened to the rain pour

"I'm dozing a little."

Tommy hesitated against the question on his lips before deciding to just spit it out, "What if I have it?"

"Have what?"

"What if I'm like my mom?"

Jude sat up, mostly in response to the onslaught of emotion in Tommy's voice, and sure enough, his eyes were glistening around the edges, "You're not like that, Tommy."

"Maybe not now - but what if I get it?" Tommy wiped the tears from his face, "You said it can come on as late as thirty - is that true?"

Jude nodded, "Yeah." She hadn't even thought that far ahead; she'd been too focused on his mom having it that she never considered what would happen if he had it too. She masked the worry with an easy smile, "Don't worry about it."

"How can I not worry about it, Jude? That could be me in a few years."

"No." Jude said sternly, "If you get it, you'll take your pills and keep it under control; your mom is what being bipolar looks like untreated."

"What if I get it?" He whispered again, more to himself this time

"Then we'll deal with it."

"We'll deal with it? You'll stick around for that?" Tommy asked doubtfully

"Of course, Tommy."

Tommy scoffed, his tone sullen, "So if I just wake up one day and start doing fucked up shit, you'll stay?"

Jude smirked, trying to lighten the mood, "You already do fucked up shit."

Tommy scowled, un amused, "I'm not joking, Jude."

Jude breathed a light laugh, "I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous, Tommy."

"How?"

"I'm not going to leave you over something so insignificant," Jude placed a kiss on Tommy's cheek, "Whatever happens, we'll handle it."

A flash of hopefulness crossed his eyes, "Really?" He asked, his voice getting vulnerable again

"Look at me," Jude said, taking a hold of Tommy's face, and looking deep in to his eyes, "I love you. I wouldn't still be here if that weren't true - and I'd still love you if you were bipolar."

Tommy gave an irritated sigh, upset that she wasn't seeing his point, "That isn't right, you shouldn't ever have to take care of me - that's my job."

"Is that what you think a relationship is - one sided?"

"That's how it should be."

Jude's brow arched, "Are you saying that I don't take care of you?"

Tommy looked toward the open door, watching as a patient's family passed, "You shouldn't have to is my point."

Jude worked to keep her mood light, "Even heroes have the right to bleed." She muttered softly

Tommy clenched his jaw, exhaling a huff through his nose, "I'm serious."

"So am I," Jude settled her head against his chest, "...Men weren't meant to ride with clouds between their knees." Tommy sighed, Jude snickered, "Sorry, I couldn't help it - the song's stuck in my head now."

Tommy couldn't help but chuckle at her, "You're unbelievable."

"I know," Jude said cockily, "I'm surprised it took you so long to find that out."

"I've always known, babe." Tommy paused before speaking again, "I could pass it on to my kids."

Jude shrugged, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Tommy rose one eyebrow, "Is that a bridge we'll be crossing someday?"

Jude smiled, "As far as I'm concerned, yeah."

Tommy grinned back, unable to hide how elated the thought made him, "I really am worrying for nothing, aren't I?"

Jude nodded, "As long as we're together, we can concur anything."

Tommy lovingly nuzzled Jude's face, "Think you can handle a house full of little Dutois boys?"

"The little Dutois girls will be little angles - and not nearly as frustrating as their daddy." Jude grinned up at him, relishing in the sound of that, "You'll be good daddy someday."

Tommy kissed Jude's forehead, "And you'll be a wonderful mommy." He laid his hand on Jude's flat tummy, "Someday."


	11. Chapter 11

Jude and Tommy had been asleep about a half hour when a knock on the door woke them. Jude was the first to notice the doctor standing by the bed; she nudged Tommy as she sat up.

The dark haired man held his hand out to Jude, "Nice to see you've recovered well, I'm doctor Peterson." Jude was taken off guard by his voice, it was deeper then she'd imagine, "And chest pain, difficulty breathing?"

"Not at all," Jude said, her throat ached from talking too much earlier, "My throat is killing me though."

Dr. Peterson nodded, holding up a spray bottle he retrieved from his lab coat pocket, "The nurse mentioned that. This'll help." He put his fingers to her chin, tilting her face up, "Open up wide." Jude did as instructed, and the doctor sprayed two shots to the back of her throat, "How's that?"

Jude grimaced against the taste but was happy when the throbbing dulled, "Better."

"Oh, Hey Doc," Tommy greeted, standing from the bed. He watched as the doctor checked Jude over, "How's my girl?"

"Take a deep breath for me," He murmured to Jude, "Blow it out." He instructed, "Everything sounds normal." He draped his stethoscope around his neck, taking a step back so he can see the both of them, "We're keeping you overnight for observation but you should be out of here tomorrow morning."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Jude asked

"You were brought in with severe case of Respiratory Depression - meaning that you were getting inadequate air flow to your lungs and while we were trying to figure out why, you stopped breathing all together." Dr. Peterson rolled a stool out from under Jude's bed and took a seat, "We intubated and did some blood work, finding a considerable amount of Rohypnol in your system - also known as Roofies."

Tommy, who was watching Jude, snapped his head in the doctor's direction, "What - How much?"

"I don't have the exact number with me, but a lot - enough to overdose and that paired with the alcohol is very dangerous. Without treatment, you would've fallen in to a coma or died." He looked between Tommy's angry face and Jude's shocked one before continuing, "Because of it's common use, we ran a rape kit and found evidence of penetration -"

"That fuckin prick," Tommy growled under his breath

Jude looked over her shoulder at Tommy, who was now leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, "Who?" She asked

"Mike!" Tommy exclaimed, "Him and Ryan are always carrying that shit with them!"

"Jude," The doctor said, trying to gain back her attention, "Have you had sexual intercourse in the last seventy two hours?"

Jude's face flushed as she nodded

"With your boyfriend, I presume?"

Jude nodded again, glancing back at Tommy's fuming face, "He didn't touch you," He told Jude, "I got to you before he could."

A cold fear gathered in the pit of her stomach as she stared at the bruises on her arms, "Do you think he would?"

"From the kit," Dr. Peterson continued cautiously, "We found some foreign DNA, so we'll need a sample from you, Mr. Quincy, to match and make sure there wasn't any sexual assault."

"Is there any else I should be worried about?"

"Nope." The doctor answered, "As long your vitals remain stable, you'll be back to normal in no time." He stood and tucked his stool back in its place, "I'll check back in a couple hours, okay?"

The doctor exited without further acknowledgement. Jude could feel the anger coming from Tommy, and she knew exactly what he was thinking; not that she was completely against it, this just wasn't the right time or place for his temper, "Tommy," She said, reaching behind her and wrapping her hand around his wrist, "Come here." Tommy complied, stiffly rejoining Jude on the bed, "Please calm down. I know you're pissed, I am too, but let the police deal with it."

Tommy wordlessly wrapped his arms around her, "I swear if he touched you I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't think like that." Jude draped her arm over Tommy's stomach, "And as much as I want you to beat the shit out of him, I'm asking you not to."

Tommy grumbled something that sounded like agreement. Jude fell asleep listening to his heartbeat again.

* * *

><p>"Good news," The night shift nurse whispered to Tommy as Jude lay sound asleep in his arms, "The DNA belongs to you - looks like you caught him in time."<p>

"Thanks for letting me know." Tommy smiled and watched as she collected Jude's empty dinner tray and left.

Tommy kissed Jude's head, happy to have good news for her. Jude's been in and out of sleep all evening, and judging by the slight snore, she'll be out for the rest of the night. The thought tempted him to go back home, pay Mike a little visit, maybe kick him in the balls for even thinking of putting his hands on Jude; he calmed himself, though, knowing it would hurt Jude if he left.

Tommy tried to relax enough for sleep, but the ire in him was too strong. And the longer he fought it, the harder fighting became. He wanted to show Mike that he wasn't going to away with hurting Jude. Even though he didn't rape her, he still bruised her up pretty bad - and was probably going to try something if Tommy hadn't been around to stop it. His fingers started tapping against Jude's back, his anger peeking all over again. And without Jude awake to keep him calm, it rose to a boiling point. With his pulse pounding strong, he stood from the bed, kissed Jude on the cheek and headed out.


	12. Chapter 12

The miles disappeared under the tires at an accelerating rate, heading straight ahead like a bullet aimed for a target. Tommy impatiently gripped the wheel tighter; if he had his viper he'd of been there and half way back by now. With no trace of rational thought to hold him steady, he whipped the car around the last turn and had the it in park with the door open before it even stopped.

"Oh shit," Ryan muttered, watching Tommy come up the parking lot. He threw himself out of his chair and through the door of the bar, "Mike! You might wanna get the fuck outta here."

Mike tore his lips from the drunk brunette leaning against him, a pool stick in hand, "What for?"

"Tommy's coming up and he don't look happy."

Mike smirked as he prepared a cocky come back, but halted all actions when he spotted Tommy storming after him. Like the coward he his, he dropped his beer and pool stick to the floor, trying to make a run for it. Tommy was too quick, though; he grabbed a hold of his jacket, spun him around and nailed a perfect shot right across Mike's face, "Just a few drinks, HUH?" Tommy bellowed, pulling Mike to him by the front of his shirt and taking another swing at Mike's jaw.

Mike stumbled sideways in to a table, taking it down with him. Glass shattered on the wooden floor, and booze splattered on anyone close enough. Tommy hoisted Mike up and slammed him against a large pillar standing near the pool tables. His forearm pressed to Mike's throat, "You almost killed her."

"I didn't fucking touch her!" Mike screamed in Tommy's face

"Bullshit," Tommy sneered, "I saw the marks."

"Sure you didn't leave those?" Mike rasped, both his pushing at Tommy's arm, "I hear you're quite the abusive boyfriend."

Tommy's arm pressed harder against Mike's air way, "I didn't hit her." Tommy growled, shoving away from him

Mike fell to the ground, gasping for air, "Not...what she said." He glared up at Tommy before shoving up and landing his fist to Tommy's temple.

Tommy's hands fisted around the front of Mike's jacket and slammed him back to the pillar with a strong upper cut. Mike's mouth slammed shut with an audible snap before he took another hit to the eye.

Mike slumped against the pillar, his chest heaving, "That bitch hates you! Just a matter of time before you send her packing."

"Man, fuck you! Jude doesn't hate me."

Mike smiled at the cops coming in the door, "She will when she doesn't have a ride home." Two cops had Tommy's arms pinned to his back immediately, while two others went for Mike,

"Don't worry, I'll get her home and in bed safe."

Tommy thrashed against the officers' hold, "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!"

Mike laughed as an officer ushered him by Tommy, "She'll be on my dick before you know it!"

Tommy made another dive in Mike's direction but the police had him well restrained. The crowd of people Tommy hadn't noticed gather made a wide path as he was drug out.

* * *

><p>Jude woke up alone the next morning, and almost immediately she knew why. She knew exactly where Tommy was and what she needed to do to get him out - she just hoped he didn't cause Mike too much damage; the less damage, the lower the bail will be. Jude stood with a scowl on her face and picked through her bag of stuff, finding her jeans in tact, but her shirt cut straight down the middle, "Fuck." She sighed. And of course Tommy hadn't thought to bring her a change of clothes.<p>

"You're up early." Sarah smiled at Jude, "I have your papers all ready for you."

"Thanks." Jude said, pulling her jeans on under her hospital gown

Sarah put Jude's chart at the foot of the bed, along with a packet of papers, "Where's the boyfriend this morning?"

Jude turned to hide her scowl at the mention of Tommy, biting back the urge to talk shit about him, "Oh," She worked to make her voice sound normal, "He's just getting us some breakfast."

"That's nice." Sarah said, guiding Jude to sit on the bed, "Hold still for a minute, sweetie. I have to check your vitals before you go."

"Is there anyway you can get me a scrub top?" Jude asked, holding out her arm as Sarah wrapped the pressure cuff around it

"Oh, sure."

After Jude's vitals checked out, and Sarah got Jude a dark blue scrub top, Jude dialed a cab from in front of the hospital. Her leg bounced angrily as she waited and made a few other calls to the jail and a bail bondsman. She hadn't gotten that call from Tommy yet - it was still pretty early, though. He was probably trying to be considerate. Considerate, Jude scoffed, that flew out the window the second he broke his promise and left her alone.

The cab ride was shorter then Jude would've thought, the hospital was only about twenty miles out of town. Once in town limits, Jude sighed, back to reality. Again.


	13. Chapter 13

"How much did you say that was?" Jude asked a man with a scruffy voice over her cell phone as she entered Tommy's house "I can have that wired to you before" -She glances at the clock- "Noon today - Yes - What did you say the charges were? - Will he have to go to court for this? - Great - No that's it - I'll see you soon." Jude snapped her phone shut, an aggravated growl in her throat. Attempted murder? What the hell did Tommy do to the guy?

"You know what sucks about getting arrested on a Friday night?" Jude gasped and spun around at the sudden intrusion, finding Selena sitting cross legged on the couch, flipping channels. "You don't get out til Monday." Selena shot a swift bitchy smirk in Jude's direction "Your money won't clear from the bank until then."

Jude mentally cursed, her arms crossing over her chest, "What are you doing here?"

Selena shrugged, not bothering to even look in Jude's direction "I didn't want to leave good ol' auntie Mariam by herself." She sighed "You know, she was never alone when Tristan was watching her. Tommy drops the ball...again."

"Shut the fuck up," Jude said, tired of putting up with these people and their comments, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh no?" Selena chuckled, "I've known Tommy a bit longer then you have and I know that he doesn't want to be here."

Jude scoffed, her tone low and sarcastic, "And why would that be? It's not like you're a bitch or anything."

At that Selena shoved up from the couch, going straight up in Jude's face. She was only an inch or so taller then Jude, and that was only because of the heel of her boots "What did you just say to me?"

Jude smiled, unafraid by Selena's advances, "That you're a bitch. What are you gonna do about it?" Jude noticed Selena's hands fisting, "Go ahead, hit me. I'm sure Tommy would love some company in his jail cell."

"You're a prissy little bitch." Selena snarled. Jude shrugged, "So we're even then." Selena's hands fisted again, "You know what sucks about getting arrested on a Saturday morning?"

Jude flashed an arrogant smirk, "You don't get out til Monday - Well, maybe later for you because I'm sure you and the rest of your raggedy ass friends won't have the money to spring you."

Selena sneered, her jaw clenched tight, "Tell Tommy not to expect me back." She spat through her teeth, and shoved passed Jude.

Jude sighed, relaxing her defensive posture and went toward Tommy's room; pausing briefly to peek in Mariam's room, finding her in a deep sleep. The door swung open easily, much to Jude's surprise, she figured all her clothes would still be piled up against it. Instead, though, the room was perfectly clean; even the bed was made. Tommy must have done it yesterday after she left, probably an 'I'm sorry' gesture. Jude located a fresh shirt from her rack of re-hung clothes; going with a simple black tee and not bothering with a change of jeans due to her time restraint. It was kind of nice that Tommy put all her clothes back in the closet, Jude thought as she retrieved her purse from the dresser, maybe he wouldn't be asking her to leave anymore.

After stopping off at the Sally, the home nurse's house, Jude walked back to her waiting cab. The tab had risen considerably while she was inside, but she brushed it off, planning on using money from Tommy's wallet to pay for it, "Greg's Towing." Jude requested, giving him the address from a paper she'd written it down on earlier. First things first, she had to get the car from the guys who towed it, then had to see the bail bondsman and make the wire transfer for Tommy's bail. Go to the jail, find out in full the charges and what could be done about them, say hi to Tommy, fill him in on everything, then go home and take a long nap.

Jude's morning went exactly as planned, she smugly paid the cabby with Tommy's money, and begrudgingly used her own card to get her rental from the tow shop; not able to find Tommy's in his wallet. And after a brief discussion with the bail bond's guy, she decided she needed to talk to the sheriff before putting any money down. The clock had just ticked past eleven thirty when Jude's cell vibrated in her pocket. She already knew who it was, so she didn't bother checking before answering, "Hey Tommy."

"Hey, did I wake you?"

Jude wanted to laugh. If only she'd been able to sleep in this morning, if only Tommy hadn't run of and got himself in jail. But instead of being a jerk about it, she answered with a quiet "No."

Tommy sighed, "I'm sorry to do this to you but-"

"You're in jail, I know." Jude eased up on the break petal, the car rolled forward a little in the drive thru line of a McDonald's conveniently placed near the bail bond's office, "I'm on my way over there now. Sit tight, I'll see you in a half hour." Jude didn't wait for a response before hanging up and tossing her cell to the passenger seat. She knew it was a mean thing to do, but she just didn't want to talk to him right now.

She pulled up to the speaker, ordering food for her and coffee for Tommy; she'd already talked the sherif into allowing it. Her own coffee was iced, due to her sore throat, she sipped graciously at the cold liquid easing the throb in her throat. Mentally adding picking up that spray stuff the doctor gave her to her to-do list.

Jude pulled off the highway and back in town, going straight for the jail, recognizing it all too well. With a final sip of her iced coffee, she discarded the empty cup in a trash can and entered the building, met immediately with an officer sitting behind a large front desk. He smiled, "Ms. Harrison."

Jude forced a smile in return, "Hey, Lou." She handed him a small lidded cup of coffee, "Thanks for this - I swear it's not drugged or anything."

Lou smirked, passing the cup along to a cop standing behind him, "Cell four," He instructed, and the cop headed to the back. "You're one of the better people I've had to deal with."

Jude half smiled, "Thanks."

Lou produced a file from the bottom drawer, and laid it open in front of Jude, "The police report, and pending charges."

Jude nodded, taking the top paper and skimming over it, "Attempted murder?" She asked "That's a hefty accusation. Sure it wasn't just another bar fight?"

"The charge is being placed by the victim, not the department." Lou said

_...Was choking the victim until the attacker was pulled off by another man. Victim was unconscious for a matter of about five minutes_. The police report read. Jude sighed, not sure whether to believe it or not. She wouldn't put it past Mike to ham up his testimony, but she didn't put it past Tommy not to choke him either. "Okay," Jude said, putting the papers aside, "What needs to be done for Tommy to get out today?"

"All he needs to do is make bail, and sign a contract promising not to go any further then one hundred miles from the immediate location."

Jude pursed her lips, "And that's with the charges, right?" Lou nodded "So if the victum," She spat the word sarcastically, "Drops the charges, what happens then?"

"He'll get a charge for public disturbance."

"And he'll still need bail for that, right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Hm," Jude tapped her fingers on the desk top, "Any idea how much that will be?"

"A few hundred."

Jude's eyebrow's perked at the number; it was much, much lower then the one on the attempted murder charge. She could easily have that paid in cash within a couple hours, "Alright. Can you pass along to Tommy that I'll be back soon?"

"Not a problem."

Jude headed out, confident with her destination in mind. If Mike wanted to press charges, so could she. The car rolled to a stop in the driveway of Mike's house; Jude was silently grateful that Tommy pointed it out on one of their walks.

"Why is it that when one of you is in trouble, the other comes running?" Mike asked from his porch steps as Jude stood from the driver's seat. She hit a few buttons on her cell phone before tucking it in to her back pocket. "Guess you wouldn't know a caring relationship when you see one." Jude remarked, stopping only a few feet in front of him, "Listen, We both know Tommy didn't try to kill you."

Mike smiled, "But that's what everyone will believe. Finally, the world gets to know what a fucking prick he really is."

Jude bit back the urge to argue with him, choosing her words carefully, "So he didn't choke you until you passed out?"

"Not in so many words," Mike smirked, "So what?"

Jude shrugged, trying to look indifferent about the matter, "Whatever. You know, assault against a woman and drugging with intent is are pretty severe charges as well. I think that's a five-to-ten sentence."

"Intent to what?" Mike chuckled, "I don't want you."

Jude hid her glare by looking to the side like she noticed something, then brushed it off, "Why did you slip the Roofies in my drink, then?"

Mike stood and took a step forward, too close for Jude's comfort, "Well, maybe it crossed my mind," He admitted, "It'd do you good to know what a real fuck feels like - maybe it'll loosen you up."

Jude grimaced, then scowled, thoroughly disgusted and pissed; was there nothing these people didn't insult about Tommy? "You're a pig."

Mike laughed, "I've been called a lot worse than that, princess - try again."

Jude tongued her cheek as she crossed her arms over her stomach, "I want to make a deal; if you drop the charges against Tommy, I won't press charges against you."

"Charges? For a little Roach in your drink?" Mike scoffed "They won't get me for that."

"Well, do to your little stunt, I was in the hospital with a life threatening overdose. I'm sure that'll count for attempted murder," Jude bluffed, not sure if what she was speaking was true, but Mike looked dumb enough to buy it, "Not to mention assault and filing a false police report against Tommy."

"Sorry, doll. You have no way to prove it."

Jude bit her lip, pausing to think, "You would've raped me, Mike. And I'm sure any jury would take my side over yours."

Mike gave a condescending little smirk, "It's only rape if you say no, and trust me, you wouldn't have."

Jude grimaced again, "And why is that?"

"You would've been too busy screaming my name."

Jude made a sound of pure disgust, taking several steps back from him, "See these?" She held out her arms, letting the sunlight shine on the bruises, "Proof of force. Who's side do you think they'll take?"

"Again, doll, what proof do you have?"

Jude shrugged, "None I guess. But we both know that you're guilty of all of it."

"Yup!" Mike proclaimed, loud and cocky, "Too bad no one's listening."

A smile broke across Jude's face as she pulled her cell from her back pocket, "Tell that to the voice recorder."

Mike's eyes widened at the sight of it. Jude smirked, satisfied by his reaction, while she saved the recording, "Here's the deal, either you drop your false charges against Tommy, or I prove this charges were false and I press my real ones."

"Fuck!" Mike cursed, a threatening glare coming to his eyes

Jude only smiled in return, "I'll be at the jail, if you're not there in ten minutes, I play our little recording for the sheriff. Clear?"

Mike punched the tree in his front yard as he watched Jude's car turned off the block.


	14. Chapter 14

"So...attempted murder, huh?" Jude murmured softly to Tommy, who was facing away from her, sitting on his cot, "That's a new one." Tommy stood at the sound of her voice, turning with a hesitant smile. "Quite the deja vu." Jude commented

"Jude," Tommy reached through the set of metal bars separating them and grabbed her hand, "I feel like shit, I'm sorry."

Jude squeezed his fingers before releasing them, a humorless smile on her lips. She didn't acknowledge his apology, "Mike is dropping the charges, so you should be out sometime tonight."

"Mike's dropping the charges?" Tommy asked, surprised

Jude nodded while quietly clearing her throat, "Yeah. Um, after he does that, I'll have your bail paid and have you outta here."

Tommy winced at her tone, and the way she was avoiding his eyes. She's obviously trying to hide her disenchantment with him. He couldn't figure out why, though; Jude's never been anything but completely raw with her feelings. Tommy reached for her hand again, only managing to brush his fingers against her wrist before she pulled it away "What's wrong?" He felt stupid asking, and due to the look she just gave him, Jude thought the same thing "I'm just tired." She lied with a raspy edge to her voice

Tommy called her bluff with a light tilt of his head. Jude sighed "I just don't understand how you could be so careless." She admitted the least of the many issues filtering through her mind. Far more important questions rested on the tip of her tongue as she bit against them; this wasn't the time or place for another fight, "You promised not to do this, yet, here you are."

"My temper got the best of me." Tommy's eyebrows arched with an expression that begged for her understanding; the understanding she's been so good at with him lately.

Jude wasn't buying it, though, she simply shook her head and took another step back from him. The strongest deja vu crossed over her, her impulse to run was back, pulsing hard and fast through her veins. Unlike last time, however, she fought back just as strong; running just can't be the answer anymore. "So, we're laying together in the hospital and all you can think about is coming to kick the shit out of Mike?"

"I was just so...pissed - I mean, I was looking at the marks he left on you and I-"

Jude cut him off by holding up a hand, a tight, sarcastic smirk on her face, "Save it. I know you, Tommy. What you wanted was to teach that prick a lesson, no matter the cost; I didn't have anything to do with it." She pulled her arms tight over her chest; her t-shirt doing little to keep her warm. Tommy didn't respond, Jude could tell she hit the nail the head with her assumption. Instead of calling him out on it, she went the sudden concern crossing her mind, "Geez, Tommy," She rubbed her upper arm, noticing he wasn't wearing anymore then she is, "You must be freezing, babe."

Tommy shrugged, "I'm fine."

Jude approached him, her arm going between two metal rails and grasping the back of his neck, "I have go to the bonds place," She said and pecked him on the lips, "Call me when you get out and I'll come get you."

Tommy was quick to catch her face within his hands so she couldn't back away again. His face showed pain and concern as he gently ran his fingers through her hair, "Are you okay?"

Jude put her hands on his forearms, pulling them away from her, "I'm fine - a little sore - but fine." She forced a smile, hoping it looked half way real, "Besides, you're the one in jail, shouldn't I be asking you that?" She didn't wait for an answer before taking a long stride back, "Call me when you're out, okay?"

Tommy only had time to nod before Jude turned and strode out of sight. He watched after her for a long uncounted amount of time. She was hurting, that was more then evident, but even more so, she seemed...broken; and he broke her. He turned with a curse on his lips; he must have really done it this time. A few minutes later, a cop slipped him his hoodie through the prison bars, only making Tommy feel worse. How could someone so good be right for someone so wrong?

* * *

><p>Jude laid to rest in Tommy's room about an hour later, freshly showered. She relished in the look Mike gave her as she passed him at the station; he'd chosen her side of the bargain, and hated every bit of it. The smile lingered on Jude's face as her head settled within the pillows. She tried to keep any negative thoughts from her mind, tried to keep herself at peace within the current peace surrounding her; the nurse was busy with Tommy's mom, and none of those dicks Tommy called friends were anywhere near her.<p>

"Er...Jude?" The nurse, Sally, tentatively knocked on the door. Jude groaned as she stood, her eyes burning with exhaustion. "I'm sorry," Sally apologized the second Jude swung the door open "I was wondering if Mariam was allergic to anything...? I haven't cooked for her before."

Jude nodded, "She's allergic to nuts, and - she's not allergic - but don't give her anything with onions in it, she hates them."

Sally flashed a wide, polite smile, "Okay, thanks."

Jude's answering smile was a second too late to be believable. Without another word, Sally went back down the hall. Jude turned, closing the door behind her, and was going for the bed when she noticed something sticking out from under the mattress. Her curiosity peeked as she recognized it to be Tommy's journal. He'd read her journal countless time - all of which have been without her permission - so he shouldn't mind.

Jude perched herself on the corner of the bed with Tommy's journal in her lap. The paper within the binding was faded and fragile; the pen marks on the first page shown the same wear.

Jude smiled down at the words, the date noted on the bottom corner read over fourteen years ago. The lyrics were short, tagged on the end were simple rhymes; work of an inexperienced writer. The next page had a picture paper clipped to it, Jude gaped at it. It was Tommy and his mom looking, well, normal. Her hair was brushed back into a braid, make up on, dressed well and standing next to a young Tommy - no more then seven. His grin hasn't changed any throughout the years, Jude noted.

She pulled the journal closer to her face, examining the object in Tommy's hand; it looked like a lunch box, but the photo was too faded on the corner to tell. Tommy's little form was dressed in khaki shorts and a blue polo; probably first day of school. Jude turned the page over, finding another picture attached to the top. Jude recognized the front porch Tommy and another boy was sitting on; they looked enough alike for Jude to determine the other child must be Tristan; they got their black hair and blue eyes from Mariam, it seems. Under that picture was another, but it was too damaged to depict an image from.

The next few pages were full of writings, as they carried on, they got better, more mature. The first really mature song was written with a girl's picture attached next to it; she had brown hair and brown eyes with a smile gracing her beautiful face. Judging by the date, Tommy was twelve when he wrote it. The words were sweet and simple. The girl must be his first girlfriend.

Jude idly wondered how that relationship ended as she turned to the last few pages. She could tell by his handwriting that these were the most recent. A lot of it didn't make any sense to her, it was just a bunch of random thoughts bundled on to one page.

Toward the end of the notebook, Jude found a picture of herself tucked between two pages. It was taken the night before her eighteenth birthday; Tommy picked her up for their date with a camera in hand; they took tons of pictures that night. She remembered Tommy saying it's his favorite photo of her, though, she didn't see it as anything special; It's just her sitting on the passenger side of Tommy's Porsche, taken from the driver's side. She's smiling with her head tilted to rest against the seat. Next to it was a set of unfinished lyrics:

_My eyes are no good, blind, without her_

_The way she moves I never doubt her_

_When she talks, she somehow creeps into my dreams_

_She's a doll, a catch, a winner_

_I'm in love and no beginner _

_Could ever grasp or understand just what she needs_

_Baby, baby blue eyes, stay with me by my side_

_From the morning through the night_

_Baby, stand here holding my sides_

_Close your baby blue eyes_

_Every moment feels right_

Every moment feels right; The words repeated in Jude's head, finding immense truth in them; no matter what happens, they will always be right for each other. She kissed the paper before turning it over, finding a whole new set of lyrics, dated the night they spent under the board walk. Jude's cheeks heated at the memory, only Tommy could make her feel the things she does...

Jude almost didn't want to read it - he said it wasn't done, and he'd play it for her when it was, but the first line hooked her in immediately.

_I'd give up forever to touch you_

_Cuz I know that you feel me somehow_

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

_All I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

_Sooner or later it's over _

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_Because I don't think they'll understand_

_When everything is meant to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

Jude nearly trembled at the effect the words had on her. Just weeks ago, these had been written on her skin, were a part of her until they faded to nothing. She regretted not reading them back then, they would've kept her going strong, would've held her together better then she's been doing on her own. The beautiful reality was that Tommy loved her, he loved her enough to be selfish enough to keep her here with him. And she loved him enough to stay. Digging up a pen, Jude wrote in the tiniest font she could manage a simple 'I love you too' at the bottom of the paper; he would notice it someday. Time held no bound on the words, no matter how far in the future or how close to the present he read them - they'd still hold truth.

Tommy on the other hand, was a whole different story. He may love her, but that doesn't stop him from hurting her. Jude couldn't imagine ever getting mad enough to repeat the things to him that he'd said to her. Tears trickled down her face at the confusion of it all. How could love be so strong, but so easily shoved aside for weaker powers? Jude bit her upper lip, stopping any further tears in their tracks; if she started now, she'd never stop. With a defeated little sob, Jude returned to her place on the bed and draped an arm over her stomach. She feared the worst, scared that if Tommy made her leave, she'd leave completely heartbroken. After all they've been through here, she couldn't imagine ever being without him; She's faced his flaws and excepted them, that must mean something to him...right?

* * *

><p>The front door of Tommy's house creaked open hours later, Tommy's hand holding a nervous grip on the knob, not sure what he's stepping in to. But the house was surprisingly calm. Sally sat comfortably on the couch watching a movie, "Hey." Tommy greeted as he dropped a manila envelope on the coffee table<p>

"Good evening." Sally greeted in return with a smile

Tommy paused, shifting in the awkward silence, "Uh...Where's Jude?"

"She's in your room - has been since she got here, I think she's sleeping."

Tommy nodded, turning for the hall, "Thanks." He opened the bedroom door, met immediately with Jude's sleeping form, he smiled his first real smile in over twenty four hours. He peeled off his shirt and jeans before crawling up next to her and pulling her close to his chest. Jude stirred, turning in his arms to rest her head on the same pillow Tommy's was on. Once he was sure Jude was back to sleep, Tommy pressed a feather light kiss to her lips and slowly fell into a peaceful slumber of his own.


	15. Chapter 15

_"Tommy...Tommy."_

Tommy groaned against the sound stirring him from his deep sleep. With a few more whispers of his name, he realized Jude was the culprit, and normally he'd be upset by her waking him up - Jude knew he loved sleep just as much as she did - but due to the situation, he forced his eyes open and a smile to his lips, "What's wrong, babe?" When he noticed the pained expression on her face, he quickly sat up and repeated the question with more sincerity.

"I'm sorry to wake you up." Jude choked out through a growing lump in her throat "I just - I feel horrible."

Tommy's eyebrows arched with confusion, "Horrible about what?"

Jude exhaled a pained breath, her eyes wincing, "I feel sick; I just threw up."

"You did?" Tommy asked, his eyes squinting against the harsh light streaming in from the bathroom and noticing Jude clutching her midsection. "Your stomach hurts?" Jude nodded, a painful whimper driftng from her parted lips. Tommy scooted to the end of the bed so he could stand and left the room; returning with a bottle of aspirin. He crouched in front of her, looking up at her face, "Where do you feel sick at?"

"Everywhere." Jude said in a high pitched voice, her voice cracking a tiny bit. She fiercely bit back the ridiculous tears threatening to spill, now regretful to have woken Tommy and wishing she would've just stayed in the bathroom to suffer alone. The wall holding back her emotional breakdown was only weakened by her sick state; she knew releasing even a few tears would trigger a whole two months' worth of stashed away emotions and needed - but fought back - crying sessions.

Tommy reached up to brush the hair from her face, unaware of her internal battle with herself, and righted himself. "Lie down," He murmured gently, pulling the blanket back for her, "I'm gonna get you some water, okay?"

With Tommy out of the room, Jude's face crumpled with the effort of trying to hide the overwhelming onslaught of emotion. She sucked in a sharp breath at the stabbing pain suddenly attacking her abdomen and pressed both hands to it with a loud groan. Tommy rushed in, in response to the sound and quickly dropped two little white pills on to his palm, "Take some aspirin, babe."

Jude lifted herself on her elbow, taking the aspirin and a swig from the water bottle Tommy handed her. Jude groaned again, quieter this time. Tommy noted where her clutching hands were and tilted his head, "Are you on your period?"

Jude drew a blank at the question. When was her last period?...She didn't know. With all the drama and stress, she'd forgotten all about it; but even if she was, her cramps were never this bad. Ever. Not even close. With a silent shake of her head, she answered Tommy's question, several of her own still seeking explanations while Tommy lightly petted her hair, crouched at her bed side.

"I'm sorry for waking you up." Jude said in a rough voice a few minutes later.

Tommy rested his forehead against Jude's temple, "You can always come to me when you need me."

Jude's response was lost in another painful breath intake; she felt like she was being kicked in the abdomen. Her arms kept right over her stomach as her body lulled to side so she was on her back. Tommy watched her whimper with wide, concerned eyes, "Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"No, It's getting better." Jude lied with a gasp and looked to his worried face, "Really." She insisted

Tommy went to flick off the bathroom light and joined Jude on the bed, enveloping her in his arms. "If it gets worse I'm taking you to a doctor." He said sternly

Jude shook her head, breathing a meaningful calm breath, "It's getting better, go back to sleep."

Tommy forced his eyes to remain open as long as he was capable of, but eventually they did fall closed, falling back to his deep sleep. Jude quietly made her way back to the bathroom, digging in the cupboard finding an unopened box of tampons and another, open box. She realized with a immense relief that several were missing, meaning she did have her period last month and must have forgotten about it. She ignored the nagging little voices in the back of her mind, insisting that everything was fine, and what she's feeling is really strong period cramps - nothing more.

A few hours, though, she was woken with even stronger pains; not just in her abdomen, but in her back as well. She hastily rid herself from Tommy's still arms and ran for the bathroom, throwing up the water she drank earlier in to the sink. Soon a pair of hands was holding her hair back as she dry heaved over the basin. When she settled, Tommy ran a towel across her mouth and rid the moisture under her eyes with his thumbs. "It's just a bug," Jude said, trying to soothe the growing concern in Tommy's eyes "I should probably avoid eating today."

Tommy pursed his lips, trying to decide whether to take Jude to a doctor or not and deciding against it, remembering that Selena was sick with a stomach flu just a few days ago; it must be going around. He stood and lifted Jude up, carrying her to bed. When he moved to walk away, Jude made a little sound of protest, "Don't go." She nearly begged, holding her arms up to him, "Stay with me."

Tommy's face softened at the sight of her, but judging by the soft blue glow coming in through the cracks in the blinds, his mom would be up and wreaking havoc any second now. With a soft sigh, he allowed himself to be taken in by Jude's arms and pulled the blanket over their bodies as Jude's head rested on his chest. He reached over to the night stand for his cell phone and made a quick call to the nurse, asking for her return. Jude smiled against the bare skin of Tommy's chest and draped an arm over his stomach. "Go to sleep, baby." Tommy whispered, "I'm not going anywhere."

By the time Jude stirred again, bright sunlight was casting rays through the blinds, making patterns on the stained carpet. The space next to her was empty and cold; she vaguely remembered being woken by Tommy getting up. Her body felt cold as well, despite the blankets piled on top of her, and exhausted somehow; like she'd just run a marathon or something.

Several winces and painful grunts later, Jude was in the bathroom, leaning over the sink holding her sides. The pain was a little better, but still strong enough to make her want to scream.

As Jude straightened herself, she felt something trailing down her thigh; she caught it with her finger, realizing it to be blood. She was relieved at the sight, this was proof that it was just menstrual stuff causing all the upset, but the relief was short lived, soon realizing that if she was bleeding this bad, it's probably on the sheets too.

Jude emerged from the bedroom shortly after in fresh clothes and a bundle of sheets in hand. After dropping the load in the washing machine, she went in search for Tommy but only finding Sally. "Where's Tom?"

Sally turned from the vase of flowers she was arranging with Mariam and smiled up at Jude, "You just missed him - he went out for groceries."

Jude took a seat by Sally with a sigh, "In town?"

"I think so - he didn't take the car."

Jude nodded, turning her gaze to Mariam, "Good morning, Mariam. How are you?"

Mariam grumbled something unintelligible under breath, yanking a daisy from it's place and stuffing it back in the vase near a bundle of baby's breath.

"She's having a hard morning." Sally whispered to Jude and watched as Jude winced in pain. "Tommy said you weren't feeling well...?"

"Yeah. Stomach flu mixed with the start of my period - lovely mix." Jude mumbled sarcastically

Sally weighed her words before speaking them with obvious hesitation, "He was asking me what I thought could be wrong and from what he described..." She bit her tongue against the rest, not wanting to over step her bounds.

"What?" Jude asked

"Uh, he mentioned severe pain in your abdomen - have you had any back pain?" Jude nodded "And um...bleeding?" Jude nodded again. Sally spoke in a soft caring tone, her hand going to rest over Jude's "It sounds like a...miscarriage, sweetie."

_Miscarriage._ The word struck Jude like a ton of bricks, leaving her breathless; it had been the word she was avoiding. She didn't dare let her mind go down that path, scared to face what she knew was a grave possibility. "No." Jude denied, her head franticly shaking back and forth, "There's no way - I - I got my period last month."

"A little bleeding in normal in the first trimester." Sally stated softly

"First trimester?" Jude's panic laced her tone, trying to think of anything that would make what Sally's saying not true, "If I was pregnant I wouldn't even be that far along."

"How far along do you think you could've been?"

Jude thought back to the night in the water - that was the first time her and Tommy had sex in almost two months, and they used condoms...but we didn't the night before he left to come here. Jude's face paled as she worked the time line, Tommy was gone for five weeks when I came here...and that was two months ago so I would've been- "Three months." Jude whispered

Sally patted Jude's hand, "You might want to get yourself checked out, sweetie."

Jude didn't answer. With slow shaky movements, she went back to the bedroom, seating herself on the bare mattress. "There's no way," She whispered to herself, "From the one time without a condom...is our luck really that bad?" The pain answered for her, it gripped and churned intensely throughout her lower half. Jude snagged Tommy's black hoodie from the floor, slipping it on as she left, saying a quick, "I'll be right back." before the front door slammed behind her.


	16. Chapter 16

Jude didn't know what to do. Her first thought was to avoid taking the car, knowing that it'd be easy to spot in town; but her second thought had her jogging back for it. She didn't want to be in town, she didn't want to be anywhere near here. As she sped from town limits, she was still forcing herself not to cry, to be strong enough to hold off being an emotional wreck.

Normally, her reason for this was for Tommy's sake, but today, she just didn't want to give him the power. She felt she couldn't live with herself knowing that Tommy was the reason for yet another break in her already battered heart.

Jude's knowledge on miscarriages was futile. All she really knew was that it made you bleed a lot and it could be caused by a lot of things. She wanted to know what caused hers, and with a growing resentment, she felt that it had to be Tommy's fault somehow. With that in mind, she turned off the highway to another small town, following the winding streets to the heart of it. She wasn't sure why she needed to do this, but she wasn't trying to figure it out, either. Too much thought could be dangerous to her emotional heath right now. Her skin warmed as she stepped through the large wooden door of a small library. The first thing in her sight was exactly her destination; a computer.

The screen was glowing with a green screen, the word 'open' blinking obnoxiously. The librarian shot Jude a swift glance as she passed, recognizing her to be the Jude Harrison her eleven year old had plastered on the walls of her room. A few others noticed Jude as well, casting glances at each other and eventually had the whole room watching her every step. Jude ignored the attention, wishing for the first time in her life that she was someone else.

As she typed in her search, she tried to remain objective, not allowing herself to be effected by any information she might learn. The results flashed up immediately, Jude clicked on the first site on the list. The word Miscarriages was the first item to be displayed on the web page, Jude flinched slightly at the sight of it, again, trying to keep numb. Her eyes swept across the paragraphs, looking for the most vital information.

Miscarriages between 6-12 weeks of pregnancy - Signs of a miscarriage later in the first trimester include moderate pain/cramping as well as bleeding.

Moderate? Jude scoffed, the pain was much worse then that.

Miscarriage over 12 weeks of pregnancy - If you are having a miscarriage after the first trimester, you will likely have bleeding and pain that almost feels like the intensity of labor.

That's the one. Jude sighed quietly to herself. So she did get pregnant the night before Tommy left. If only he would've used a damn condom, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. She read over the signs and symptoms, applying them all to herself. When she reached the reasons for miscarriages, she paused, taking in the information more carefully. The only things she could relate to was Injury and alcohol consumption; she's been hit, kicked and shoved by Tommy's mom countless times. And even though she didn't drink all that much, the drug within the alcohol was most likely the culprit.

Jude wrapped her arm across her flat tummy where a little life was supposed to be growing. It was weird for her to lose something she didn't know she had and now that it was gone, she wanted it. She wanted the lost baby inside her. She wanted it in her arms, cradled safely to her chest. She wanted Tommy to hold his baby, the baby he won't ever see. According to another website it's rare, but not unheard of, to skip fist trimester symptoms all together. It's possible, depending on how you carry, that a 'baby bump' wouldn't form for up to six months. Jude winced at the words, rubbing her stomach, she wanted one of those too.

**Is it normal to greive?** A site read under a list of symptoms and advise for handling loss. **Things to remember about grief:**

**Cry as much as you need to.**

Jude shook her head, _"Can't do that"_

**Spend time with close friends and family who will listen and offer words of support**

Jude scoffed, _"I'm in short supply of those"_

**Know that you are not alone.**

_"Yes I am"_

**Pray.**

_". . .I'm trying."_

Jude's jaw clenched against the returning pain, it was strong enough to spring tears to her eyes immediately. In one fluid movement, Jude had the WebPages closed and was up out of the chair, heading quickly for the doors, unstopped by the people watching her. Once in the car, she put her forehead on the steering wheel with a loud, scream-like whimper. The only way to know for sure if you're having a miscarriage is going to a doctor, but Jude fought against the thought. She wanted to hold on to her thin strip of denial, fearing that having it assured would break her completely.

Images of a perfect little baby kept flashing through Jude's mind; a perfect little mix of her and Tommy bundled in a warm blanket, lying between them on Tommy's bed. Even though she blamed Tommy for her getting pregnant, she couldn't find the energy to be angry with him anymore - it wasn't right. Tommy didn't cause this. If anything, she did.

Jude managed to compose herself enough to call Tommy from her cell phone; he answered after only one ring, "Where the hell are you?" His harsh tone made Jude wince; this wasn't the time for his damn temper. "Tommy," She said, her voice even, emotionless, "I need to ta-"

"I can't believe you'd just take off!" He continued angrily, "And apparently you told Selena to fuck off, so she won't come help."

As Tommy spoke, Jude could hear the distant sound of Mariam yelling something to him. When he paused, she tried to get a word in, only to be cut off by Tommy's rant, "What the fuck, Jude? I'm dealing with this shit by myself!"

"Where's the nurse?"

"I told her to go home because I thought you'd be back by now."

"Well, that's your fault." Jude snapped at him

"No, it's your fault for chasing all my help away. No one wants to come around anymore because of you!"

Jude growled with both anger and pain, "Can you stop yelling at me for five seconds? I'm trying to tell you something!"

"What?" Tommy demanded

Jude shook her head, unable to find the words through the thousand emotions yanking at her sanity. Without saying another word to Tommy, Jude snapped her phone shut and turned it off. Tears fell from her eyes without her permission, a sob choking from her thick throat. She pushed away all feelings other then the one of loss, only because it was too strong to avoid. All that was left of her child was blood and cramps, and even that would be gone soon.

Jude wiped the tears from her cheeks and pulled out of the library's parking lot, impulsively deciding that of shd didn't find out now, she might regret never knowing if what she's suffering really is a miscarriage. Even though she was almost positive it was, she wanted that piece of mind, and she wanted actual facts to relay to Tommy...if she ever told him.


	17. Chapter 17

"It's completely natural, honey." A ultrasound tech said sympathetically as she pressed the scope to Jude's abdomen "You're very young," She continued, noticing the heartbroken expression on Jude's face "You'll have plenty of time to try again."

"How far along am - _was_ I?"

The nurse examined the screen, "Looks about six weeks."

"That's all?" Jude asked, her voice flat, "Is the pain supposed to be this bad, this early?"

The nurse wiped the blue-ish gel from Jude's stomach, "Every miscarriage is different. Sometimes the effects can be made worse by stress or poor diet."

"Check and check." Jude murmured with a sigh, a sarcastic smirk on her face

The nurse flips a switch that causes the overhead lights to blink to life "Try to relax today."

If only she knew what a challenge that really is. "How come I wasn't told I was pregnant when I was here?"

"You're a patient?"

"Not now - But I was brought in the night before last with hypoventilation and the doctors didn't tell me I was pregnant."

The nurse returned to her stool in front of the ultrasound machine and began cleaning off the scope, "Checking for pregnancy doesn't sound like it would be part of the protocol."

"How not?" Jude countered, "If I'm not breathing, wouldn't that effect the baby?"

"I really don't know, you'd have to ask the doctor."

Jude swung her legs over the edge of the uncomfortable hospital bed and pulled her shirt back down "How long will the um...miscarriage last?"

"There's no straight answer for that - It can last one day or fourteen days."

Jude focused on the floor, her mind registering that she's never said the word _miscarriage_ out loud before - not in regards to herself, anyway. A comforting hand rested on Jude's shoulder, but she didn't look up to the nurse's sympathy ridden eyes, it would only make it worse, more real, "I'm sorry for your loss." Jude gave one stiff nod "Do you have anymore questions?"

Only one question popped into Jude's head, and bubbled from her lips before she could stop it "What did I do wrong?"

The nurse shook her head, "It's no one's fault-" before she could finish Jude started talking again, a desperate sort of edge to her voice, "Can ibuprofen cause it? And you said I miscarried sometime last night, right? The only trauma I've suffered in the last couple days was falling down a couple times - did that do it?" Jude choked out a sob, tears already pouring down her cheeks

The nurse paused, struggling with being honest or lying to comfort. She rubbed Jude's back in a soothing manner, "There's no way to know-"

"I did it," Jude interrupted again, "It's my fault, isn't it? I killed my baby." Her voice was a mere squeak as she spoke the last words

"No, no." The nurse instantly denied "So many things can do it, and most of them are out of your control."

"Like what?" Jude demanded harsher then she'd intended, "Can I be tested for any of them?"

The nurse brushed off Jude's anger with an understanding smile, "Yes. If you like, we can have some blood drawn."

Jude sniffled, her voice returning an emotionless monotone, "No." She stood and shoved her arms through Tommy's hoodie, wrapping it around herself as she crossed her arms, "Thank you for your help." The nurse nodded as Jude walked out.

Jude met eyes with a couple women as she crossed the waiting room of the maternity ward; some were very pregnant, other's not, or didn't look it. One, though was huddled in the arms of a man and he was stroking her tear stained face. Their eyes locked for the briefest second, sharing in each other's grief. Jude gave a light tilt of her head, as if to say 'I'm sorry', the other woman did the same before being ushered away by her husband. Jude realized with a growing sense of unease that she will always be able to relate to those women now; she was one of them. She will forever be a victim of the worst kind of loss. She idly wondered what caused the crying women's miscarriage as she pressed the elevator button.

Jude got off on the first floor, heading for the information desk. Once there, she asked a young man with thick glasses who she'd need to speak to to view her file. "Name?" He asked

"Jude Harrison." Jude, again, wished she was someone else when the man's eyes lit with realization, "The Jude Harrison?" He asked with a wide grin, "My nephew loves you."

Jude forced a polite smile, "I'm sorry," The man said, "This is very unprofessional, but would you mind...?" He offered her a marker and a blank sheet of paper. Jude with held her annoyance and aggravation as she signed her name twice; once for the guy's nephew, and one for himself. The man tucked the papers away and cleared his throat, "You're file, you said?"

"The initial medical report would be better, actually."

"Not a problem." He said with a friendly smile and wrote something down on a tiny slip of scrap paper, "Just follow the yellow line down the hall, and hand this to the person behind the desk."

The woman in the filing department was much more curt then the friendly man down the hall. She took Jude's slip with a gruff and took her sweet time retrieving Jude's file, "Will you be wanting a copy?" She grumbled

"No." Jude said curtly and waited until the rude woman looked away to open her file. The first page was a bunch of gibberish Jude didn't understand, written in a doctor's sloppy handwriting. The handwriting on the next page was recognized instantly, Jude would know Tommy's scrawl anywhere; his name was printed and signed at the bottom of a page labeled Permission to Treat. Jude smiled slightly at the completed checklist, checking it over herself to see if he got the answers right. When she reached the bottom of the checklist, Jude's fingers froze around the paper. The word 'pregnant' was listed under a category titled Is the Patient... with a check in the 'No' box.

Jude breathed a watery sigh; Tommy had just as much idea as she did about the pregnancy. With the need for viewing the file filled, Jude closed it between her hands and dropped it back on woman's desk before walking away.

The cool wind whipped around Jude the second the hospital's automatic doors swung open, casting leaves of various colors from their trees and swirling around her. Over the last few hours, the stabbing pain residing in her abdomen has dulled to an almost tolerable ache. Jude quietly hoped that meant she would be lucky enough to avoid the longer lasting effects of having a miscarriage. She sat motionless behind the steering wheel for a while, wrapped securely in Tommy's hoodie. Tommy's scent surrounded her in the cramp space, it reminded her of the easier times in their relationship, and reminded her of the seemingly happy and carefree Tommy she knew back then. She wondered what she would be like if the situation was flipped; would she treat Tommy the way he's been treating her? _Probably _She answered_, I get crazy over little stuff sometimes, If I was the one with the fucked up mom, I'd be the same, if not worse...and I'm about to drop even more bad news on him._ She sighed and started the car _How am I going to do this_?

* * *

><p>The soles of Jude's tennis shoes landed on the hard wood of the front porch steps a little over an hour later. When she noticed Tommy sleeping on the couch, she released a breath she didn't know she was holding. She sat on the coffee table in front of him, her fingers pulling gently through his hair. He was deep enough in sleep not to stir from her touch. "I love you," She whispered as she sunk to her knees and rested her forehead on his temple, "I'm sorry." Instead of waking him up, Jude headed for the shower.<p>

The hot water sent goose bumps across her chilled skin. She stood under the water, allowing it to soothe her aching body as her mind wandered. It's weird to think that in only eight weeks so much has happened, so much has changed. Jude honestly didn't know how strong she could be until being strong was her only option; she's successfully held back her immature ways, and didn't ever see a reason for going back to them. She felt mature, like an adult. There are better ways of getting through things then throwing tantrums or running away, and she sees that now. Her face reddened under the stream of water, wondering how so many people have put up with her for so long.

A light rap on the door startled Jude a while later as she was rinsing soap from her hair "Since when do you knock?" She asked through the shower curtain

"Since when do you disappear for the day?"

Jude winced at the underline anger in Tommy's voice, and then gasped when the water ran cold thanks to him flushing the toilet. His chuckle could be heard before he ducked out if the room.

With an irritated grumble, she turned the water off and stepped from the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. "That was unnecessary." She remarked to Tommy who had settled on the bed

Tommy smirked, "That's what you get for making me worry all day."

"Maybe if you weren't an ass to me on the phone, I wouldn't have turned it off." Jude griped as she slipped on a pair of underwear under her towel

"Sorry," Tommy said sincerely, "I didn't mean it - it's not your fault my help is gone. I don't want them around anyway; they're a bunch of assholes."

Jude pulled on a pair of loose fitting cotton shorts and removed her towel to match the shorts with a plain black T-shirt of Tommy's that nearly swallowed her. She turned, catching the look Tommy was giving her. It was her look. She hadn't seen it in so long, that the sight of it brought an unintentional smile to her lips, "What?"

"You're beautiful."

Jude eyes met the carpet, with a light blush coloring her cheeks, "Thanks." Truthfully, she felt the furthest thing from beautiful, but that's the thing about Tommy, even when she felt lower then dirt, all it took was one word from him to lift her up again. For once, she actually wished Tommy was in a sour mood, then she wouldn't be responsible for destroying his current happy mood. "Why so chipper, Quincy?"

Tommy shrugged, "I'm just happy you're back - you had me thinking you might not be."

Jude offers a small smile as she sits on the bed, "I'll always come back to you, Tommy."

Tommy's answering smile was sincere. He sat up and wrapped a hand around the back of her neck, guiding her in for a kiss. "Are you feeling better?" Jude shook her head. Tommy laid

his hand against her stomach, "Still hurt?" Jude nodded her head yes, her lips beginning to quiver. She had to tell him now, if she waited, she might never tell him. "What's wrong?" Tommy asked, noticing the sadness in her eyes

"I have to talk to you." Jude talked in a whisper because speaking any louder would make her voice crack

Tommy pulled himself up further so he was sitting Indian style in front of Jude, "What is it?"

Jude mimicked his position and held her hands out palms up for him to take; he did. "What I have to tell you isn't easy," She admitted and interlaced their fingers "And all I ask is that you please not run off when I tell you."

"I won't - tell me." Tommy watched as Jude took an extended pause and his heart began pounding

Jude focused on their joined hands, "Tommy," She started. His name hung in the air, her mouth snapping closed, unable to find the right words. The struggle in her eyes was evident, she obviously had something very bad to tell him. His mind raced with the many bad things that could've happened on her day away from him. Before his imagination got the best of him, he spoke with immense urgency "Jude, you're scaring me, what's wrong?"

"Tommy," Jude repeated his name as she gathered the courage to look him in the eye, "Um, remember, that night under the dock, when I mentioned I didn't take my birth control...?"

Tommy's face paled, his mouth falling open but oddly enough, he was sort of relieved. It could be worse. "You're pregnant?"

Jude shook her head, "I - uh, I...was."

Tommy's eyebrows arched with incomprehension, "What?"

"I had a" She had to force the word out "Miscarriage."

"A miscarriage?" Tommy's face showed a mix of denial, confusion and pain, "...You had a miscarriage?" It looked like he had more trouble with the word then Jude did "Well...having I guess is the better word."

Tommy's shocked expression turned to an accusing glare, "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant."

"I didn't know." Jude answers calmly

"How do you not know?" Tommy demanded, his tone suddenly harsh, "It's your body, Jude."

Jude kept her gaze down and her voice quiet, "I was only six or seven weeks, Tommy. My body wasn't showing any changes yet." Tommy's lack of response made her look up and was

surprised to find Tommy staring off with a shock ridden expression "I felt the same way." She murmured "When Sally said she thought-"

Tommy's face thawed at the mention, "Sally?"

Jude nodded, "Yeah. Sally said she thought it might be a miscarriage."

"How long ago was this?"

"This morning after I woke up." Jude suddenly realizes her and Tommy are sitting on the sheets she put in the wash this morning. Sally must have finished the load...or Tommy did, but Jude doubted that.

Tommy rips his hands from Jude's, "So you think you might be -" He couldn't bare to say the word again. It burned in his mouth, "...and you just run off? You don't talk to me about it?"

Jude sighs, returning her hands to her lap, "I was in shock - I didn't know what to do." She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a gust, "And when I came to terms, I tried calling you, but you were a jerk."

Tommy clenches his jaw, a flash of remorse crossing his eyes before it was re-masked with the only emotion he understood; anger, "It's my fault you didn't tell me?"

Jude shakes her head, "No - I should've." With a teary intake of breath, she scoots forward, taking a hold of his hands once again, "I'm sorry I didn't run to you right away but I couldn't believe it - I still can't."

"How?" Was Tommy's simple question. Jude understood what he was asking and her shoulders shrugged lightly, "I don't know. Apparently a lot of things can cause it." She notices a scowl come to Tommy's face as he looks down. He was blaming himself, "No." Jude said, taking a firm hold of his face, "It's not your fault - It's not mine either...it just happened." And as she spoke the words, she began to believe them. Sometimes there wasn't blame to be placed, sometimes shit happens.

"Where have you been?" Tommy's voice was the same monotone Jude's had been just a couple of hours ago

"I went to get an ultrasound to make sure." Jude's grip slipped from his face, going down to rest on his knees, "I was already more than half way to the hospital - going there was an impulse."

"Typical Jude Harrison behavior." Tommy remarked with an irritated shake of his head

"Great." Jude said sarcastically, her own ire beginning to rise "We lost a baby Tommy. Don't you care at all? Or do you want to continue making me feel like shit?"

"Of course I care, Jude! But I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me sooner. I would've gone with you, held your hand at the hospital." Tommy's breathing starts quickening as he continues "I would've been there for you, the way I should be! And if I didn't get you all wrapped up in this shit, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant to start with!"

Jude growls with frustration, "Stop it!" She yells right back at him, "For the last time - I'm here because I want to be - because I LOVE you! And I'm heartbroken because I want to have our babies, Tommy, and we just lost one!"

Tommy quietly grinds his teeth, his hands in fists so tight it hurt "You really want to bring another life in to this?"

"In to what?" Jude asked, her voice back to normal "There's no reason why we couldn't have a baby, Tommy."

Tommy smirked, "I can think of a few - having a fucked up dad being one of them."

"You're not fucked up." Jude wraps her arms around her stomach with a wince, "You're just dealing with a lot...right now. This isn't...you, Tommy." Her words are followed by a grunt as her body doubles over

As he watches Jude writhe in pain, it slowly sinks in what's going on. Jude's suffering a loss - physically and emotionally. Jude's earlier thoughts of a beautiful baby now entered Tommy's head, except instead of a little version of himself, he pictured a tiny baby girl in his arms - a little Jude with big blue eyes. The thought had him feeling the effects of the loss as well. He felt he'd lost someone very close to him - it hurt like he'd lost Jude herself. His breathing became more and more labored as he gathered Jude in his arms, holding her head between his hand and shoulder.

Jude felt Tommy silently crying against her, "I miss her too." She whispered, fighting off tears of her own. Tommy pulled Jude impossibly closer as tears traced down his face and his hand stroking her hair.

They held each other in silence for more than an hour. Jude watched as the remaining sunlight sluggishly made its way across the floor, shadows of the tree outside the window decorating the carpet. Tommy sniffled the last of his tears, his breathing slowing to a normal pattern. Keeping a hold on Jude, he guides their bodies to a laying position with Tommy on his side, facing Jude, and Jude on her back. He slips his hand under Jude's shirt, taking the fabric up with it as he trails up to caress Jude's skin. "Does that hurt?" He asked, seeing Jude wince

Jude puts her hand over his on her abdomen, keeping it in place, "No, you're hands are cold, that's all."

Tommy absentmindedly caresses Jude's belly as he thinks about a lot of different things all at once. Somehow in the mix of jumbled thoughts, he came up with only one solution to all the pain Jude's being caused. "Jude," He rolls on to his elbow, fresh tears gathering in his eyes, "I think you should go."


	18. Chapter 18

When Jude was little, her mom always said "If you want the pain to go away, stop thinking about it" and oddly enough, that was the thought running through Jude's head as her mouth fell open, the horrific cramping suddenly unimportant "What?"

Tommy kept her gaze with calm, determined eyes "Maybe it's time you go, Jude."

Jude searched his eyes, looking for any kind of doubt, any indecision but there was none. Her brow furrowed and hurt began shining in her eyes, "You want me to leave?"

Still, Tommy made it a point not to look away from her face, no matter how much the pain in her eyes broke his heart, he was set with the belief that this was right, "Yes."

Jude's chest rose and fell with panicked breaths, managing to squeak out a painful, "Why?" before those pesky tears framed her big blue eyes

"You're better than this. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

Jude bit the inside of her shaking lip, her eyes looking away from his and to the dresser, "You're hurting me now."

"It'll be the last time." Tommy willed himself not to catch the tear rolling down her cheek, but kept his hand on the warm skin of her abdomen "I promise."

"Please, Tommy," Jude pleaded, "Don't make me go."

"It's for the best." Tommy said, removing his hands from her, "Go back home, back to your music."

Jude winced at the thought, there was no music without Tommy; there wasn't anything good in her life without him in it. She sucked in a hitched breath and propped herself up on her elbows, "You want me to leave now?" She asked with a strange little catch in her voice

Tommy's hands fisted, fighting against the urge to touch her, "As soon as possible."

With a quiet sob, Jude forced herself up from the bed, and locked herself in the bathroom, seating herself on the cold tiles in front of the door. She pulled Tommy's shirt over her knees as they came up her chest and buried her face in the soft fabric. Despite the fact that Tommy, his friends and his mom were often cruel and distant, Jude never felt alone. But now, as she cried on the cold, uncomfortable bathroom floor, she felt uterly and helplessly alone, even though the man she loved was on the other side of the door.

The seconds ticked to minutes and the minutes passed quickly without any word from Tommy. In every fight they've had in the length of their relationship, this was about the time Tommy would come check on her, but this time, he didn't. The lack of action spoke volumes of defining proportions. He didn't want to fix this, there wasn't an apology coming this time. The realization pulled Jude up short, her already nearly silent sobing halted. This was the deal, wasn't it? If he truly didn't want her anymore, then she'd go and spare herself the pain and humiliation of forcing herself with him. With a sniffle Jude pushed up from the floor and met her own heartbroken expression in the mirror.

Jude wiped her face and yanked her hair back into a high pony tail, angry that she'd broken her own promise of not falling apart. Months of trying to prove her strength to Tommy all wasted in a moment of weakness. This was the agreement, she had to just suck it up. She took Tommy's shirt from her body and threw it to the side, along with her shorts, changing in to the jeans and shirt she left behind the door from her shower. Her reflection was nearly blank when she met it again before pulling the bathroom door open, "So...is this it then?" Jude whispered, her voice breaking slightly

Tommy looked up at her from his place on the bed, his face a mask of cold uncaring, "I guess it is."

Jude's gaze met the stained carpet under her feet, trying desperately to look like his words didn't effect her. She turned with a light shrug of her shoulders and reached for her bag, with a single nod "Alright. I'll just call a cab and get out of your hair."

Tommy winced; this isn't what he wanted, it never was; from the moment she showed up, he wanted to beg her to stay, so why couldn't he find the will to get up and stop her, especially after all they've been through? His seemingly careless eyes watched Jude as she hastily stuffed what little clothes she brought into her duffle bag, "I'm sorry, Jude." He said softly, no trace of emotion in his voice

Jude shook her head, making sure to avoid eye contact as she crossed the room and re-entered the bathroom, "Don't be. It's what we agreed on, right?" She spoke over her shoulder, her voice echoing in the small bathroom as she gathered her comb and tooth brush

Tommy drew in a deep breath and turned on his side so he was facing away from Jude, "Still," He muttered, "Sorry...For everything."

Jude stared at Tommy's still form for a long while, not sure what to do or say but she felt strongly obligated to say something; she couldn't leave him like this, "Tommy," She spoke softly, letting her bag fall to the floor, "I don't want to do this." She waited for him to answer, or even acknowledge that she'd spoken, but all he did was lay there, facing the wall. Knowing she might regret it, Jude crawled across the bed to Tommy, ignoring the ache in her abdomen, and pulled lightly on the cotton of his dark green t-shirt, "Tommy," She tried again, "Can you please look at me?"

Tommy rolled slightly, so his back was leaning against Jude's knees; and as he looked up at her teary blue eyes shining in the moonlight streaming through the window, all he wanted to was wrap her in his arms and comfort her, kiss the tears away and promise that they'll be okay. Instead, though, all he did was lay his hand against her cheek, lightly caressing the skin there. He smiled slightly when Jude leaned into his touch, "Jude," He breathed, "I'm not good for you."

Jude hitched in an uneasy breath, the tears falling again, after all this time of keeping herself together for Tommy, on one hand it was a relieving release, to finally be expressing the pain she's been harboring, but on the other, she didn't want Tommy to see her so weak, not after everything she's been trying to prove, "Shouldn't that be my decision?" She asked

"Not this time." Tommy whispered back, using both hands to wipe the tears from her face, "You deserve better."

Jude bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut as she took some calming breaths through her nose, "I don't care about who you were," She told him, feeling the need to comfirm everything she's repeated countless times, emphisizing that what she's always felt hasn't been effected by her time spent here. Opening her eyes, she lightly runs her fingers through Tommy's messy hair, "You've changed since then, Tommy. What these people see you as - it's not who you are anymore. I still see the real you and I still believe that you're a beautiful person...you're perfect to me."

Tommy shook his head, tears of his own beginning to gather in his troubled eyes, "How could you possibly say that?"

"Because it's true," Jude answered, wrapping her hands around his forearm, "I love you."

Tommy's initial response bubbled to his lips immediately, but he bit against it, knowing that saying those words would put them right back where they started, and he didn't want Jude to have to deal with this anymore. He lightly traced the cut across Jude's cheek with a painful wave of guilt; he'd scared her, in more was then one. By the feel of the wound, it was in the early stage of healing, soon it would be nothing but an unnoticable white line, and she could move on from everything that happened here and be happy somewhere else, with someone else. The thought sent a stabbing pain through his heart. "You shouldn't." Was his response to her.

Using the sleeve of her black sweater, Jude removed the remaining tears from her face, "Just say it," She was nearly begging now, "Even if you don't mean it, I need to hear it."

Tommy sat up a little more so he could press his lips to her forehead, "I love you too." He hushed against her skin, "With everything I am...but you don't need this." He tenderly pushed the hair from Jude's face, "Please go." With a brief duck of his head, he dropped a kiss on her belly, "I'm sorry."

Jude nodded, a sudden wave of anger setting in to replace the heartbreak, "Why do you only fight when there's competition?" She demanded, thinking back to the determination Tommy had to get her back when she was choosing between him and Jamie, and how jealous he got when she was with anyone else, "Why am I always the only one fighting for us? Tommy, we need each other - how do you not see that?"

"I'm not good enough for you."

And there they were, freshly spoken, the words that started this whole mess. The sound of them brought a sob to Jude's lips, how could he still be thinking like this? Hasn't she done enough to prove him otherwise? "Is this the end of us?" She couldn't help but ask

Tommy didn't answer, he just turned back to face the wall with his arms securely crossed over his chest.

Jude stood from the bed with an angry huff and yanked her bag up from the floor and slung it over her shoulder. She hesitated with her hand on the door knob and looked over her shoulder, "If you're going to turn this into another 'Pity me' story, to tell your friends, be sure to mention in there somewhere that I tried."

Tommy waited til he heard the front door slam to burry his head in his pillow and let the misery and self hate sink in.


	19. Chapter 19

The first thing Jude's mind registered as she took her seat the furthest most corner of the airplane was that her cramps were getting worse, or maybe it only seemed that way because she was just acknowledging the pain; either way, it was rapidly approaching unbearable. She dug in her purse for the pain killers she snagged on the way out of the house - Tommy's house - and swallowed them dry, not alert enough to object to the taste. As her fellow passengers filed in, Jude found she was relieved to have the back row to herself to suffer in peace.

The flight attendants briefly covered the basics; seatbelts and oxygen masks. Jude blocked them, and the woman in the row in front of her caring for her baby, out with music streaming through a pair of ear buds she hasn't worn in months. She was surprised and thankful to find her MP3 player still fully charged in the pocket of her purse, music is her only escape now.

* * *

><p>Tommy's sore eyes winced against the harsh sunlight as it broke through the once cloudy morning, cursing silently as he went to shove the living room curtains closed. As if he didn't feel horrible enough, he woke to find that Jude left him the rental car and a few hundred in cash – knowing he always needs cash, instead of his card, but rarely has it - in an envelope stashed in the pocket of his leather jacket. It's not right for her to care so much about him - it's not right that she still cared enough to leave him some things of comfort, even after he'd forced her away.<p>

For the sixteenth time in the four hours he'd been awake, Tommy flipped open his cell phone and dialed Jude's number. His thumb hovered over the call button for several minutes before he snapped his phone shut. It was killing him not to know how she's doing, or if she got home alright but he didn't see it right to bother her anymore; he's done enough damage. There's nothing wrong with a text, he tried to convince himself, just find out if she's alright and not bother again. He punched in the text and sent it before he lost his nerve, and anxiously awaited her reply.

* * *

><p>"Sadie?" Jude called, dropping her duffle bag by the door and removing her coat, "Sadie?" She called again only to be met with silence. Jude took in her familiar surroundings, almost incapable of comprehending that she was back to the normal flow of things. The thought brought a grimace to her face. What is normal anymore?<p>

The sound of her footsteps bounced off the walls and met her ringing ears as she drug herself to her bedroom, a long nap in mind, but the second her bedroom door swung open, her gaze landed on the picture of Tommy she kept on her night stand, and his t-shirt hanging off a low post at the foot of her bed, and a Boyzattack CD he'd bought for her as a joke on the floor by the closet. The room was full of him, full of memories, full of his scent.

With a loud sob, Jude rampaged through her room, throwing anything even remotely related to Tommy out the door to crash in the hallway. The final thing thrown out was a framed picture of the two of them, glass shattered against the wall and trickled down the stairs while frame and photo landed face down on Tommy's shirt.

She wasn't done, though, the bottled up anger exploded all at once as her arm swept over her dresser, sending everything on the surface clattering to the floor, the items stacked on her desk met the same fate. She yanked the pillows and blankets from the bed, and threw herself face down across the bare mattress in heaps of uncontrollable sobs.

In one last wave of anger, she took her phone from her pocket and gave it a weak hurl to the other side of the room. It landed unharmed in a pile of blankets. She rolled to her side and curled around the anguish in her lower belly. "Fuck!" She cried, realizing her little tantrum only worsened an already intolerable suffering. Her fist met the mattress as a scream of pain and frustration left her mouth

* * *

><p>"Here you go, Ma." Tommy offered his mother two pills and a bottle of water. Without argument, she swallowed her medicine and lied back against her pillows. "Thank you, Tom." She gave a slight little smile that only reached the corners of her lips before turning over. Tommy was taken by complete an utter surprise at the sight of it; no matter how small, it was a smile. He hadn't seen a smile on his mother's face in...he didn't know how long. "Uh, you're welcome." He muttered and left the room, heading to the couch in a daze. Maybe there was something to the new medicine after all - Jude was right.<p>

_Jude..._ Tommy sighed. She hasn't responded to his text yet, and he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't be getting one. He began regretting sending it in the first place. It's all for the best that Jude is gone, now he couldn't hurt her anymore and she can go be happy. That is all he ever wanted for her, happiness, and here it was being sucked from her little by little. He knew that if Jude had stayed any longer, she'd leave here scarred, like he was. Tommy couldn't live with himself knowing that he's the one who inflicted that kind of pain on her.

The pain in Jude's eyes during her stay here will forever haunt him. No matter how good Jude was at putting up a brave face, Tommy saw right through it. He thought over the countless times he had screamed at her over stupid little things, just to get his anger out. He scoffed with disgust at himself; he took his anger out on Jude because she was the only person who didn't fight back. He swiped at the tear rolling down his cheek. He didn't deserve Jude, he didn't deserve her patience or her understanding...none of it. Jude deserved much, much better than what he was. Tommy could only hope he won't be around when Jude found the person she deserved; the mere thought of her with anyone else ripped at his heart, but what choice did he have?

* * *

><p>"Jude!" Sadie shrieked as she took the stairs two at a time "JUDE!" She yelled again, tripping over the rather large mess in the upstairs hallway. At the sight of Jude's room, Sadie gasped in horror, the place was completely trashed, and Jude was nowhere to be found.<p>

"Whoa," Kwest said, coming up behind Sadie, "What the hell happened here?"

"I don't know." Sadie choked out, a edge of hysteria in her voice, as she pushed past Kwest and ran downstairs "Jude!" She called, storming through the house, checking every room. Kwest beat her to the garage, finding a large empty space where Jude's car normally is, "Her car is gone!" He called

Sadie met him in the kitchen, her face showed full on panic, "Run and check the studio." she said, shoving a set of keys at him, "I'm gonna stay and call anyone she might run to." She frowned at Kwest's hesitation, "I'm sorry, I know we're...over, but this is my sister, Kwest."

Kwest nodded, taking the keys from her, "Only for Jude." He remarked, emphisizing that he wasn't doing this for her, or because she asked him to, but because he cared about Jude

Sadie sighed after him, she deserved that, it was her, after all, who brought on the whole break up. She quietly questioned her sanity as she dialed Speid's number.

* * *

><p>Gmajor was completely deserted by the time Kwest made it there; deserted with the exception of who ever had a desk light lit in studio B. He approached the familiar mess of blonde curls and knocked on the doorframe, "Pulling an all-nighter, huh?"<p>

Jude plastered a smile on her face as she spun her chair around, "Hey Kwest."

Kwest noticed the cut across her face immediately, and his eyes swept along the exposed skin of her arms, seeing the bruises coloring Jude's normally pale skin, "What happened?" He demanded, instantly concerned

Jude shrugged, forcing her face to seem uninterested, "Tommy's mom gets a little rough from time to time." She stood and pulled Kwest in to an awkward hug, honestly and sincerely happy to see a familiar face, "It's so good to see you."

"Are you alright?" Kwest asked, keeping a hold of her upper arms

"I'm fine, why?"

Kwest furrowed his brow, confused by the contradiction between what Jude was saying, and what her face was giving away, "You're not fine. What happened? Did Tommy hurt you?"

"No." Jude lied easily, "Nothing happened - Tommy's on his way back, so I decided to come home first."

"He's on his way back?" Kwest questioned, not believing it one bit, "When?"

Jude stepped away from his grip and returned to her seat, "Soon. Listen, I need to get this album done-"

"Sadie's freaking out, we found your room completely trashed."

Jude brushed his words off, acting like he hadn't spoken, "I really need to get back to work. Tell Sadie I'll be home soon." She flashed a smile over her shoulder before slipping on a pair of headphones.


	20. Chapter 20

"Are you kidding me? Do you have ANY idea how much it'll cost to change the name of an album I've already ordered covers for?" Darius bellowed, his face in full on anger mode

Jude crossed her arms, determined, "It needs to happen, D. 'My Turn' just doesn't work for me anymore." Not to mention the fact that Tommy came up with the name.

Darius glared at the stubborn set to Jude's chin, he never won when she got like this. With a soft sigh, he leaned back in his chair, "Do I get to hear the amazing changes to your album?" He emphasized the word with profound sarcasm. From what he heard earlier, the changes were far from great, and more toward disastrous.

"As soon as it's done." Jude said curtly

Daruis' gaze flickered to her face from the paper work he's signing and shrugged, "I'll put a stop to the printer as soon as I hear it."

"But they close for the weekend in two hours!" Jude protested, "It'll be too late then."

Darius shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips "Tick tock."

With a parting scowl, Jude stormed from his office, followed by Darius' condescending chuckle. "Fuckin prick." Jude grumbled as she plopped down in the roll-y chair next to Kwest's, "What's up?" He asked, unsurprised by Jude's aggressive attitude

"He expects me to have this done in TWO hours! Can you believe that?"

"You've been holding the thing hostage for four days now. Maybe it's time to let it go." Kwest suggested lightly, pretending to be busy over the sound board

Jude glared, but ignored the statement. She is trying to let it go. Really. There's just so much to do! It's not finished...it can't be finished, it's all she has left. Jude turned to hide her sad, frowning face. After her total melt down, she's been trying and failing to force herself back in to the numb state she was in with Tommy, she didn't know how she managed it before.

Everything, even the mere mention of anything relating to Tommy made her heart ache. Deep down she knew that was the reason she was holding so tight to her album, it was the last thing her and Tommy worked on; it might be self mutilation, but she didn't want it to be done. If the pain was gone...what would she have left?

Tommy's name came up on the screen next to the list of tracks, causing Jude to wince, she quickly scrolled down. There were a lot of tracks, she admitted, Tommy wouldn't let it go out like this; he'd call her crazy and delete the whole thing. Jude winced again, looking away from the laptop. _Tommy..._she sighed, absentmindedly brushing her hand along her stomach.

The cramps have eased to extinction, both to Jude's relief and turmoil. Her baby was officially gone. Jude didn't have a choice but to let it go, as much as she wanted to hold on to her perfect little child, she couldn't.

But Tommy was _here_, here in the lyrics, in the perfection of the mixes; this was something she could hear and feel, something physical she could grasp on to. And as long as she had it in her clutches, she wasn't letting it go until she was ready. She shoved a cord in to the head phone jack and put a pair over her ears. Sure the tracks were a little busy, and maybe a tad cluttered, but it was her decision to make it that way. Finally something she had a say in.

Jude also had the ability to fix it. She could if she wanted to, and she understood that. There was an underline spite in wrecking Tommy's perfection, why should he have yet another trophy to tack on his resume? It's not fair that everyone saw him as this big hotshot, when he didn't even believe it himself. If Tommy was anything less than the amazing, talented person he is, he wouldn't be able to create such master pieces. Why can't he see that?

Jude groaned at her own jumbled thoughts and drug her hands over her face. She hadn't gone this long without sleep since her last tour...how long ago was that? Jude couldn't remember, all she could think of was how elated she was to see Tommy the day her tour ended. As much as it pained her, she thought over their time together in New Brunswick and, again, couldn't find it in her to blame Tommy for anything. He lost himself amongst the craziness of it all, and pushed her away. Some part of her regretted leaving, wishing she'd stuck it out. But that would've left them even more worse off; it would've been weeks of Tommy screaming at her to leave, and her fighting it off. Either way, she would've ended up leaving anyway.

Jude heaved a sorrowful sigh and began deleting the unnecessary additions to her song Deeper, thinking of her latest strides in maturity. It would be very...teenager of her to throw away a nearly perfect album because of relationship problems. She had to look at this from a business perspective; if she put out a crappy album, it would ruin her and Tommy's reputation, thus making it even harder for her to gain respect from anyone important. Forget Tommy, it wasn't fair to herself to go out like that. This was, afterall, her last album with G-Major. If she had any hope of being signed by someone else, this had to be a great album.

Jude selected and deleted all tracks, and then uploaded the back up Tommy always had on hand, leaving her off right where she started five days ago. She plugged in another external hard drive and copied the tracks for 'I Just Wanted Your Love', pasting them to the album's mix.

"Back peddling, Harrison?" Kwest asked, watching her work over her shoulder

Jude nodded, "Mmhmm."

Kwest cocked an eyebrow, both impressed and relieved - his name was on this album too, "Great. Want some help?"

Jude removed the headphones from around her neck and pushed away from the laptop as she spoke, "Yes. Please finish polishing those, I need to talk to Darius."

Jude entered Darius' office without knocking, much to his displeasment, "Just because It's open, doesn't mean you can just barge in."

"Sorry," Jude rushed, "Never mind about the name change, I just need you to give me until Monday."

"Monday?" Darius demanded, "No more extensions Jude. I want your album - the way it is - on my desk by closing time today."

Jude calculated which angle to play, thinking back to Darius' love of ballads; after all, It worked for her last album. "I have a song to add - a ballad."

Darius scoffed with a humorless smile on his lips, "Can I hear it?"

"Not right now - but I can have a demo for you tonight, and if you don't like the demo, you can have the whole album."

Darius pursed his lips, taking in the determination that was once again shining in Jude's eyes. More importantly, though, she looked inspired, and Jude's inspiration usually led him to a

pay out. "Alright," He agreed, "I want the demo by seven tonight."

Jude smiled and put a hand to her chest, "Thanks, D. You won't regret it."

lllllllllllllllllllll

_It was a good idea at the time;_ That's usually the excuse tailing the end of a bad decision. _Oh sure! I'll have an amazing ballad that I haven't even started on, or have the least idea of what it's about ready in a couple hours. No problem._ Jude groaned at her own stupidity, mentally smacking her forehead. Pressure usually worked in her favor, it spurred her on, forced the best work out of her but, of course, that's when she had a co-writer tossing out suggestions. When asked, Kwest mumbled something about thinking in ways of sandwich structure, not lyric structure. Jude rolled her eyes. As much as she missed Kwest's odd and sometimes humorous ways, it wasn't at all helpful.

Her eye's snagged on the clock ticking over the soundboard; less then an hour left. Journal in hand, she made another pace around the room, idly wondering Tommy's up to right now. Strange timing, yes, but Tommy was the source of emotion at the moment. She tried to picture him sitting on the couch in front of her; if he was, what would she want him to know?

Answers to that question flooded her mind. Realistically, if he were there, she wouldn't have the strength to even look at him without cracking, let alone preach a monologue of her feelings. But in the fantasy of a much stronger, braver version of herself she thought of the dozens of things she'd scream at him for, she'd call him out on all his shit and walk away triumphantly, never to return.

Then there was the five minutes she wasted in the thought of how much she'd cry, every tear drop a beg for a real, sincere, honest-to-God apology. She'd curl up in his warm arms and allow herself the comfort she's been seeking and be healed by the person who could. The only way for Tommy to heal, though, would be to hear that she still loved him, and that she didn't hold anything against him. Even if he's serious and truly doesn't want her anymore, without closure, the rest of his life would be wasted with regret to be the plague on any other relationship he had. He would never be happy.

Jude took a seat on the couch, her journal lying open on her lap. She flipped to the last entry, one she wrote in Tommy's room after he'd fallen asleep; a whispered apology clinging to his lips. It was the first of many, Jude came to learn, but he seemed to mean it. This was only three weeks in to her stay, when he'd thrown a fit about the lack of tidiness and called her "A fucking lazy ass" about it. She countered by accusing him of sitting on his ass all day. This only pissed him off further. He stood from the round table, grabbed it's edge and flipped it over, sending it's contents askew as he stomped toward her. She couldn't remember ever being scared of Tommy, but in that moment, she was terrified. Now, as she relived the memory, she could feel the fear gripping her chest, her breathing staggered.

Tommy was very quick to address his actions when he'd realized he scared her. He kept her in a tight, loving embrace for several minutes before suggesting she go to bed while he cleaned up. Somewhere in the midst of all that, she'd come up with two lines to be scrawled in her journal:

_Who you are is not what you did_

_You're still an innocent_

The entry following that was added after Tommy hit her - and she felt bad for thinking it that way but there really isn't another way to put it. A hit's a hit, intentional or not - she came up with it during her walk, before hitting the bar, and decided to log it while waiting for Tommy to return from jail:

_Guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your war path_

_Lost your balance on a tight rope, lost your mind trying to get it back_

And just like that, Jude had it. If she was her strong, brave alter-ego, she'd tell Tommy she forgave him despite all the devastating pain and hurt he's put her through. He's a good person plagued by a bad past. He holds no fault for his mom or the people he keeps company with, he's innocent. Jude mind worked faster then her pen could, she noted everything she'd learned about Tommy, about his childhood. How everything was so nice before his mom flipped on him, how he would race kids on his block just for an excuse to run, the flowers he'd gather for his mom everyday on the way home from school and catching fireflies with his brother to light up their backyard tent. Everything was gravely important, he had to know this song was about him, for him where ever and whenever he might hear it.

Her gaze flickered to the clock every few seconds, keeping her time in check as her mind wandered to the darker parts of Tommy's past; things his mother called him out on right in front of her. All Tommy could do was shamefully slump his shoulders, embarrassed. He never tried to explain it away, he owned up to it fully and no matter how much Jude tried to reassure him, she never managed to vanish the shameful glint in his eyes completely. Maybe there's just some things he'll never let go.

Guitar and finished lyrics in hand Jude rushed to Darius' office, having no time to record, she'd just have to sing it for him live. When she finished, her eyes rose to his and he smiled, "You have until Monday."


	21. Chapter 21

About a week later, Tommy had just closed his mother's bedroom door for the night when Jude's voice met his unexpecting ears. His foggy, half asleep mind didn't register that the TV was still on, but had his body rushing for the living room, looking for the source of the beautiful voice. His incredulous eyes swept the room for Jude, when he saw her, though, his body slumped with disappointment. Jude's smiling face greeted him from the TV, it was a clip from an interview she did over a year ago; the music behind it was something unfamiliar, but very, very good.

_"...Jude Harrison is off again! Her third and rumored best album to date is set to release in just a few weeks. With all the hustle and bustle Jude seems to be keeping a low profile, stating in an exclusive interview with Talk National that she'd like to remain "Off the radar" until her album drops, also saying that those who inspire her songs "Will know who they are." Could her latest hit be about the longing for her ex boyfriend and hip hop superstar, Shay? I guess we'll never know-"_

Tommy turned off the TV and tossed the remote aside, aiming for the couch, but it glanced off the coffee table and clattered loudly to the ground. He grumbled under his breath, leaving the remote forgotten on the floor, and headed for his room. Plopping against the pillows, Tommy held his phone up and dialed Jude's number. As always, he was met with her voicemail; the sound of her voice soothed him, it sounded happy. He was curious as to why her phone had been off for the last several days, but not curious enough to inquire Sadie or Kwest about it.

Lately he'd been watching her life through pictures and TV appearances. Darius must think highly of the album for him to be putting so much publicity in to it. Tommy constantly tried to remind himself that this is what he wanted, but all he wanted now was to be with her. The maddening quiet has been on his case for quite some time now, and it was truly getting to him. He wanted to hear her voice, her laugh, to see her smile and watch her sleep...he wanted her _here_, and he didn't care how selfish that made him.

If that wasn't bad enough, he's also been dealing with his loss - their loss. The loss of his one and only child was really bringing him to a bad place. It was driving him crazy, and the pain hadn't even begun to dull yet. He couldn't heal without Jude, and deep down, he knew that whatever he was feeling, Jude was feeling times ten. If it wasn't for this house, and his damn psychopath mother, he'd be there by now to comfort her.

A shrill, incessant beep ripped Tommy from his thoughts. Recognizing the sound, he shot up and out of the room, tripping over his own feet on the way to the kitchen, "HOLY SHIT!" He screamed at the sight of the stove completely engulfed in flames. He staggered frantically, first looking for a way to put the fire out, then looking for his mom, finding her sitting at the kitchen table, watching the scene with blank eyes.

Unthinkingly, Tommy grabbed the source of the fire - a lidded pot - by the handles, successfully burning his hands and dropping it to floor, "FUCK!" His fists clenched around his burning palms, watching with horror as the flames coming from the pot caught on the cupboards under the sink. The aged wood burned quickly and worsened the fire substantially. In a panic, Tommy got his mother outside and called the fire department.

As he waited for the firemen, he watched the kitchen burn through the front windows, his eyes vacent of any emotion. Lots of his demons resided in the shadows and corners of that house, he always thought the only way to rid them would be to burn it down, but he never though he'd live to see it happen. The fire gradually crept closer to the window, taking down the kitchen table and chairs with it, as the fire burning on the stove took out the cupboards hovering above it; a loud crash sounded when the dishes feel from their burning shelves.

Lights of Blue and Red colored the scene around him a few minutes later. Upon request of an officer, Tommy and his mom retreated to the street where a bunch of othe people were gathering. "What Happened?" Sally demanded in a panic, as she adjusted the robe hanging from her shoulders. Tommy shrugged, watching as the a team of firemen turned a hose to the flames, his voice a low, emotionless murmur, "She finally burned the damn place down."

lllllllllllllllllllllllllll

The days weren't so bad. There were distractions and people to talk to, people to fake smiles for. It's the nights that Jude going crazy. And they always started the same, Jude would be relieved to finally be home from a long day of work, take a hot shower, crawl under the warm blankets of her bed and...nothing. She'd hit the sheets with droopy eyes and an exhausted body, but she didn't sleep. She'd lay there for hours in the dark but she couldn't get to the only escape from reality she's been desperate for.

Eventually, she'd make her way to the couch and watch late night movies and infomercials until it was time to start her day. Sadie seemed to notice her lack of sleep and appetite, but she never said anything, not that Jude would answer if she had. Other than a few interviews and performances, Jude has been making a conscious effort not to speak to anyone. The last time she had a full conversation with Sadie, Kwest was moving out and Jude was consoling her. Sadie was tight lipped about why her and Kwest broke up. This made Jude feel better about not spilling any details about Tommy. If Sadie could keep secrets so could she.

Jude descended the staircase after successfully covering up the dark circles under her eyes and found a rather large stack of pancakes on the stove waiting for her. Next to it was a slip of paper with only the word 'Please' written on it. At first Jude figured Sadie was sucking up for something, but after some thought, it seemed more like a request; Sadie's own way of trying to help. The gesture brought a tiny smile to Jude's lips. _It's sweet of her to care_ Jude took a single fork full before dumping the rest into the trash_ But I'm fine_.

* * *

><p>A set of automatic doors slid to a loud close behind Tommy as he headed toward the only car in the parking lot. After a bit of begging and convincing - and a harmless little bribe - Tommy got the nursing home to take his mother at this late hour; apparently there was a whole ordeal to admitting someone. Just as Tommy shut himself in Jude's rental car, his phone sounded in his pocket. It was ridiculous, but he rushed to answer it, hoping it was Jude. "Hello?"<p>

"Hey Tom."

Tommy cringed; wrong sister. "Hey Sades. What's up?" His tone was already edging toward ending the call

Sadie sighed "Are you really coming back?"

Tommy nodded even though Sadie couldn't see "Any day now."

"I wasn't sure if Jude was just saying that." Sadie stopped, feeling like she'd said something she shouldn't have and quickly continued, "Um, what's going on with you guys?"

"How much has she told you?"

Sadie hesitated, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Jude hadn't come in and spoke in a hushed tone, "She hasn't said anything. I'm worried about her, Tommy. She won't eat, she hasn't been sleeping and she won't talk to anyone - not even me."

Tommy shrugged a little at the last one; Jude and Sadie hadn't been extremely close to begin with. He took a deep breath "We're...over, I guess."

"You guess?" Sadie demanded, her tone harsh, "What the hell did you do?"

Tommy cocked an eyebrow, that's a loaded question. "It's complicated."

"It's complicated" Sadie scoffed "I should've seen that coming." She sighed with a light shake of her head, "Jude's a complete mess. I hope you're happy."

Tommy tongued his cheek, quickly becoming aggravated with Sadie and bit back in a cold, sarcastic voice, "Yeah, I'm thrilled. It is, after all, my mission in life to destroy Jude's."

"Tasteful." Sadie spat

Tommy shoved the keys in the ignition and turned on the heater, "I'm sorry Jude's upset." He said, his tone resigned "Please tell her that I'll be home soon - I need to talk to her."

"Why don't you call her yourself?"

"This isn't something that can be done over the phone. Just please, tell her I'll be home soon." Tommy hesitated like he was going to say something else, but ended the call with a quick "Bye Sadie." He sat still for a long while, not really thinking or seeing anything. All he could focus on was how much his heart ached at the thought of Jude's pain. Why hadn't she told anyone what happened? It's hard to believe she hasn't confided in anyone. Why make herself suffer by keeping it all hidden? Tommy twisted his grip on the wheel, fearing that Jude may have ended up scarred after all.


	22. Chapter 22

"Who says I can't act?" Jude muttered to herself, watching an interview she did just a few hours ago. Anyone could watch this and see a thrilled teenage musician releasing her junior album, flashing excited smiles and laughing a lot. "Forget Grammy's - I should be winning Oscars." Jude changed the channel and wrapped her white cable knit sweater even tighter around her small form.

The clock sluggishly ticked to 11:01 causing Jude to groan; there was a long night ahead of her. Tonight she gave up on trying to go to bed all together, and went straight for the couch. Turns out, there are better things to watch earlier in the evening so, at least there were better shows to occupy her mind for now.

"Jeez, Jude. It's freezing down here!" Sadie complained, her slippers padding against the wood steps

"I like it cold." Jude mumbled in reply, just loud enough for Sadie to barely hear.

Sadie reached up and secured the lock on the front windows, halting the fluttering curtains, and flopped on the couch, "How are you not freezing to death?"

Jude adjusted her posture as Sadie scooted closer to share her blanket and only shrugged in response to the question she'd already forgotten "This guy was tied up and branded in his kitchen. I think the receptionist - her right there - she did it."

"What are you watching?"

"Law and Order."

Sadie rolled her eyes. She hated watching this show with Jude, she always had it figured out ten minutes in, Sadie could never do that "Can we watch something else?"

"I want to see if I'm right. Go watch TV in your room." Jude didn't mean it to sound rude, but it did anyway.

Sadie sighed and waited until a commercial to speak again "Are you ever gonna tell me what happened in New Brunswick."

Jude took a long pause to compose herself enough to answer, "There's nothing to tell." Her fingers swept across her cheek. The cut had healed to a mere scrape, shrunken to the size of her cheek, and whitened around the edges. It would surely be a scar. She had that, at least.

"You're lying." Sadie said, her arms crossing over her silky nighty "Something bad happened and you won't tell me."

Jude shrugged again, her attention returning to the television.

"You're trying to protect Tommy, aren't you?" Sadie accused. Her eyes widened when Jude shifted uncomfortably next to her "You ARE, aren't you?"

Jude scowled "Drop it, Sadie."

Sadie snatched the remote and hit the power button; Jude glared at the black screen "What did Tommy do?" Sadie demanded

Jude flung the blanket from her lap and moved to stand when Sadie caught her by the arm, "Let me go." She growled

"Tell me." Sadie countered, fully confident that she was strong enough to hold Jude in place for as long as she needed.

Jude tried unsuccessfully to rip her arm from Sadie's grasp "There's. Nothing. To. Tell."

"I don't believe you."

Jude blew out a breath through her teeth and looked away from her sister's prying eyes. "I don't want to talk about it." She whispered

Sadie moved to sit on the coffee table in front of Jude, her grip loosening to a more caring touch "Why?"

Jude thought over the minor things that would make her depression understandable and weighed them with different reactions they would get from Sadie. She picked the lesser offence and even then, twisted the truth just enough not to qualify as an entire lie, "Let me just start by saying that it was an accident."

"Uh-oh." Sadie sighed and crossed her legs, getting comfortable, expecting a long story "Go ahead."

Jude imagined Sadie was just another reporter and put her best acting face on "Tommy and I were joking around - play wrestling in his front yard and somehow we ended up in a little argument," She could feel the truth mangling as she spoke, this was definitely a lie. Her eyebrows arched with the realization, trying to make what she was saying make sense, "And as he was getting up, I tried to stop him and he accidentally cut my face with his ring."

"What? How?"

"It's a long story," Jude brushed her question off, casually shrugging off Sadie's grip "Anyway, I thought he hit me on purpose and we got in this huge fight. After I realized I overreacted, it was really, really awkward between us and I just left. Now I feel terrible because it's all my fault. I think we're over, Sadie." Jude forced her voice to squeak at the end, her face welling with fake emotion. As a kid Jude was really good at making herself cry to get Sadie in trouble, she channeled that skill now.

Sadie shook her head, confused. She made no move to comfort Jude "That doesn't make any sense. What about the things you said in that song of yours-"

"Those are old lyrics." Jude gathered the one tear she managed to shed on the pad of her thumb and stood "I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

Sadie stared after Jude, confusion still laced in her features. Why was Jude lying? Did Tommy hit her for real? Would he? With an angry huff Sadie retrieved the house phone from it's charger and took it up to her room. Tommy was gonna tell her the real story whether he liked it or not.


	23. Chapter 23

Tommy's Nikes crunched against a small piece of burned wood, grinding it to the equally burned wood floor. He ignored the sign plastered to the front door, stating that the building was unsafe; part of him kind of wished he'd fall through the floor. And besides, he had some minor business to take care of, getting his stuff for starters.

Even though he'd spent the past four months here, it seemed weird to be back in his bedroom. Unless Tristan decides to spare the house from demolition, this would be the last time he saw it. It's not like he cherished the place or anything, just that it's always been here, lingering in the dark corners of his subconscious, making it's occasional appearance in his nightmares. Now that it might be gone forever, he was sort of relieved. The walls have seeped up too much pain, too much of his own blood, sweat, and tears were sopped in the floor boards for this place to ever be a thing of content or comfort. It's been hell since the night of his eighth birthday.

Tommy hastily stuffed his belongings in a suitcase propped open on the bed, not bothering to fold anything. He dug a shoebox of pictures from the high shelf in his mom's closet and fished out the few pictures he wanted from it, later tucking them between the pages of his notebook. With a final glance around his room, Tommy made his way down the hall and to the fire damaged front rooms; the difference was night and day. The flames hadn't made it far enough to destroy the bedrooms. He sighed, crossing the threshold and looking back at the building. He didn't have any intentions of returning, so as he backed out of the driveway, he muttered a quiet goodbye.

lllllllllllllllllllllllll

Jude stood back and watched as a group of nameless workers set up a sound system in the main room of Gmajor in preparation of her release party tonight. She felt like she should be excited. She even tried to force a smile to no avail. Nothing seemed exciting anymore, and she felt stupid for feeling that way all over a guy. From the moment she turned twelve she saw girls who lost themselves over a guy as pathetic, but now that she was one of them, she understood. It's not the guy himself, it's the devastating, emptying sense of loss that kills you.

Jude couldn't imagine starting a whole new relationship with someone else. That'd mean starting new, sharing things over, the awkward stage of getting to know each other and she didn't dare think far enough ahead to sleeping with someone else. Tommy was her first, and she'd known him for over three years. How could she be so intimate with a man she hardly knew?

"Jude Harrison, right?"

A voice brought Jude from her thoughts, she glanced over her shoulder at a boy with spiky blonde hair and forced a smile; it was capable now that someone was watching "Guilty."

The boy flashed a confident grin and held out his hand "Milo."

Jude's gave a light grip around his fingers before crossing her arms over her stomach "You're the Instant Star winner, right?"

"Guilty."

Jude wanted to roll her eyes. He was trying to be flirty, and failing miserably. Arrogance oozed from his every pore, he was so sturdy, so sure of himself, it reminded her of Tommy, only making her dislike him even more "Congratulations." She said anyway, trying to be professional. "If you'd excuse me, though, I have som-"

"Think we could get together sometime?" Milo gave another confident smile and took a bold step forward. Too close, in Jude's opinion "I'd love to discuss your music with you."

Jude took a pointed step back, warning him with her eyes not to follow "Um, I'll get back to you - it was nice meeting you, though." She turned with a tight smile on her lips and headed for hospitality where Sadie was pouring a cup of coffee "Ever hate someone the second you meet them?" She asked

Sadie smirked, grabbing another mug from the cupboard "Yeah, why?"

"Just met Instant Star's latest."

Sadie rolled her eyes, "That guy's a trip. He asked me to put in a good word with you."

Jude ignored the steaming mug Sadie set down next to her "Why?"

Sadie leaned against the counter, facing Jude with a mug of her own cupped between her hands "Word is he's vying to be the opening act in your tour."

Jude grimaced, "I don't think so."

Sadie's head tilted, noting that Jude hasn't touched her coffee, but didn't mention it "Any ideas on who you'd want to open your show?"

Jude shrugged, tucking her hands in her back pockets "Not really. I'll see you later, apparently I have a dress fitting of some sort." With that Jude brought the conversation to an abrupt close. Sadie dumped Jude's abandoned coffee in to her mug, and put Jude's empty one in the sink. After failing to get a hold of Tommy last night, Sadie made another attempt to talk to Jude, who fed her the exact same story and tacked on that nothing else happened with out being prompted. Only recently has Jude become a decent liar, only worrying Sadie more. What happened in New Brunswick that called for good lying skill? The frustration of it all had Sadie up half the night, leaving her with bags under her eyes and a headache.

Sadie called around to Jude's friends, asking if they'd spoken to Jude at all since she's been back, but none of them have. It's out of character for Jude not to have talked to anyone yet, knowing how much she loved her friends. Sadie went far enough as to ask Jamie, met with a shrug and a 'No'. Dumping out the remains of her coffee, Sadie returned to her job, planning on cornering Jude later.

llllllllllllll

"Hey superstar." Kwest greeted as Jude entered Studio A "Excited for tonight?"

"Are you kidding me?" Jude carefully built a happy expression on her face "I'm psyched! Took long enough, but whatever, better late than never, right?"

Kwest nodded with a smirk, "Remember to thank the little people when you're taking the world by storm."

Jude reached down and retrieved her bag and coat from under the sound board where she stashed it earlier "I could tell you the same thing. Your latest Pegan mix is incredible."

"I talked to Tommy just now." Kwest said, making no attempt for a subtle subject change "He says he needs to talk to you."

Jude had to remember which version of the story she gave Kwest before answering with a light tone "Oh really? I must have left my phone off again - I'll call him back."

"Tommy made it seem like you two haven't spoken in weeks." There was an accusation hidden in the statement. Kwest cocked an eyebrow, waiting.

Jude quickly countered with a smooth cover, "Aww, that's sweet. It kind of feels like that for me too; it sucks being away from him." She smiled at Kwest's lack of response "I'll see you tonight - I'll be the one in the fabulous dress, not breathing." She breathed a light chuckle and waved on her way out.

Kwest shook his head, wondering _what_ the hell that just was, "Tommy better get back soon. She's losing it."


	24. Chapter 24

Jude leaned her elbows on the surface of a cool, smooth wooden bar top and ordered herself a Coke. The music and laughter of her party roared on behind her as she frowned toward a half empty bottle of whiskey, Tommy's favorite. Her Tommy obsession is off the radar tonight, her thoughts of him no longer waited to be triggered; they displayed themselves openly with no sign of surrender. The bartender set her drink down on a coaster, casting her a sly wink before turning to another guest.

Jude sipped at the icy beverage and waited for the caffeine to kick in. Her last no-sleep record of seventy two hours was long broken, setting the new one at one hundred and six. If she couldn't sleep tonight, she'd resort to sleeping pills and take a long nothing-but-sleep binge.

A familiar clacking of red high heels sounded behind her followed by a quiet "Dodging your own party?"

Jude's gaze briefly flickered away from her drink and to her sister "I'm going with the whole 'I can cry if I want to' bit."

Sadie nodded and brushed the hair off Jude's shoulder "The extensions look really good."

"Sucking up." Jude commented, recognizing the tone change in Sadie's voice

Sadie breathed a nervous breath through an equally anxious smile "I need your advice about something, well, someone"

Jude chocked down the sip she'd taken, a humorless laugh escaping her lips "You're asking me for relationship advice? Am I being punked or something?"

Sadie rose one eyebrow "Why not? According to Kwest you and Tommy are doing pretty good."

"Since when are you talking to Kwest?" Jude asked as a distraction, her mind stuttering for a way to cover herself. Sadie gave no answer or expression change so Jude covered with the best she had "It's awkward enough working with Kwest, I don't want to spill all these problems on him and make him feel like he has to sympathize - You can go tell him the truth if you want, the album's done."

That was pretty good. Sadie pursed her lips and tapped her acrylic nails on the bar's surface. Jude's lying talent was surely strengthening by the day "I know you're lying."

Jude called her bluff with a light smile, laced with a tad of arrogance that she's finally able to fool Sadie "Have a nice night, Sades." She swallowed the remains of her Coke "And who ever the mystery man is - I say go for it. You never know." Jude parted with a shrug, cutting her way into the close packed minglers, heading for the studios to hide out the rest of her party. The ends of her hair tickled the exposed skin of her back as she walked, raising goose bumps.

Somewhere between Gunsmoke and an Infomercial for the Insta-oven, Jude decided that her hair had been short for too long and made the earliest appointment with Sadie's rave worthy hair dresser. It seemed to fit her pattern, though: break up with a guy, get a new hair due. Only this look wasn't exactly new, she had it back to the way it was right before her and Tommy got together. Sadie mentioned in passing that "Going back won't help you move forward." but Jude ignored it with a silent disagreement; Tommy detox is exactly what she needed now

"Where you headed, superstar?" Darius' loud voice caught Jude's attention while his hand caught her arm "Everyone's waiting for your performance."

Oh yeah. Jude forced a smile, groaning internally. "When do you want me on, D?"

Darius nodded toward SME, off in the corner with their selected dates. Jude shot an unnoticed grimace at Karma and the camera crew "Get the boys ready while I introduce you."

Jude smiled and returned greetings as she crossed the room, reminding herself, again, that she should be winning Oscars. Maybe life on the silver screen would be nice, it's different and...not music. Even with her emotional state and free time spent on the couch at night, she's only written one song; the song she convinced Darius to put on the album and grant her an extension.

For the first time in her life, she just didn't want to write. The guitar that normally never left her hand, sat forgotten in it's stand in the corner of her room, along with her journal. "Show time." She flashed a stiff grin to Speid, and the camera that pointed at her "Just Speid." She said, halting Kyle and Wally from pulling away from their dates. "We're playing the next single."

"Alright." Speid's arm rested around Jude's shoulders as they approached the stage and waited out Darius' intro. Feeling no need for an added delay, Jude only murmured a genuine

"Thank You" before removing the mic and seating herself one of the two stools waiting center stage. She watched Speid settle his guitar on his lap. They shared a smile before facing the waiting crowd "This is for someone who couldn't be here tonight."

The spot light reflected off Speid's guitar as he played the opening, and then Jude's voice filled the room

_I guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your war path_

_Lost your balance on a tight rope, lost your mind trying to get it back_

_Wasn't it easier in your lunch box days?_

_Always a bigger bed to crawl into_

_Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything_

_And everyone believed in...you?_

_It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me_

_Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent_

_Did some things you can't speak of, but at night you live it all again_

_You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now_

_If only you'd seen what you know now, then_

_Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days?_

_Everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you_

_Wasn't it beautiful running wild 'til you fell asleep_

_Before the monsters caught up to you?_

_It's alright, just wait and see, you're string of lights are still bright to me_

_Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent_

_It's okay, life is a tough crowd. Twenty-six is still growing up, now_

_Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent_

Speid's fingers rushed along the neck, trying to catch up with the chord progression when Jude decided to skip the bridge and cut right to the ending, giving him only a sideways glance of a warning.

Lost your balance on a tight rope, it's never too late to get it back.

Jude's voice faded from the speakers and the room refilled with the sound of applause. She flashed a few wide smiles for pictures, happily stepping off stage when Karma decided to take a

piece of the attention by meeting Speid with an on stage kiss.

"Epic," Darius commented as Jude passed him "Best album yet." He rose his glass as a toast to her and returned to his conversation with a tall man in an ugly suit.


	25. Chapter 25

Tommy sucked in a breath of freezing air, stepping on to the equally freezing cement from the glossy floor of the airport. Late night flights were the best way to fly; Deserted plane, deserted airport, and no line for the airport shuttle. He gave the driver his address and relaxed against the fake leather coating the back seat, his fingers yanking at loose threads surrounding a tear in the seam. Despite his exhaustion, every nerve seemed to be resting on a live wire, like his body knew he'd be seeing Jude in a matter of hours. He had so much to say, so much to apologize for...and he was prepared to scream these things through the door Jude might slam in his face.

Although he still had a fight with Tristan coming for putting their mother in a home, Tommy felt a strong sense of closure. He'd face a lot of his demons living in that house again, and came out alive; scarred, but alive, and Jude helped him with that. He just prayed to God that she would hear him out before hooking the chain on her door.

Tommy didn't bother taking time to relish being in his apartment again, he stopped in just long enough to dump his luggage by the door and snag his car keys. The freezing air whipped violently now as he jogged to his silver convertible that he paid to have started every couple days by a man who worked in the lobby; a lingering smell of cigarette smoke wafted in the interior, causing Tommy to scowl, worrying that the guy drove it as well.

lllllllllllllllll

Darius proudly handed out copies of Jude's album at the door. The lobby was empty with the exception of workers cleaning up the mess, and disassembling the stage and bar area. Jude blindly flicked on the overhead lights as she past the switch, heading for hospitality; they blinked to life, casting a bright glare over the previously darkened area. With a dress bag hanging on her finger, draped over her shoulder, Jude reached into the fridge for a water and twisted the lid off with her teeth.

"Nice to see you hydrating again." Sadie said, pulling out a water of her own

"I'm not in the mood, Sadie." Jude griped and went up to the wardrobe area, where she dropped her dress on the 'Return' rack. She took her time heading back down, focusing on nothing more than the weight of her eye lids and planning a stop to a drug store on the way home; it all disappeared though, the second her foot touched on the first step of the second flight of stairs leading to the lobby. She did a double take and her eyes widened at the sight of the approaching silhouette. Her lips parted around the last of her air supply escaping her lungs.

In a brief moment of panic, she considered making a run for it, but his eyes caught hers, nailing her frozen on the step. Tommy came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs, his mind drawing a complete blank. Suddenly everything he'd planned on saying went right out the window; all he could do was stare up at her like an idiot. Jude's silence was caused by the exact opposite problem; there was too much to say, so many questions forcing their way from her brain to her unmoving lips.

They took in each other's appearance, noticing little differences that occurred during their month apart. Tommy had grown back his beard, Jude noted, and shot a concerned glance to his bandaged hands. Tommy took a hesitant step up closer to her, testing her reaction. She made no move at his approach, catching a whif of his scent, she yearned for him to be closer. "Sorry to crash the party." His voice sounded, raspy with emotions he couldn't explain

Jude thawed, bringing her arms to cross over her chest and meeting him half way on the stairs. With him so close, she fisted her hands against her ribs to keep from touching him "Tommy." She spoke his name. It hung in the awkward silence, unfollowed

"Jude." Tommy greeted back.

Their expressions mirrored the same pain and exhaustion, both stuttering, searching for the appropriate course of action. "How are you?" Is what they ended up blurting out at the exact same time. Jude answered first "I've been better." Tommy nodded "Same here."

"What happened to your hands?" Jude asked, focusing on them, rather than the intensity of his eyes

Tommy shrugged one shoulder, his fingers curling around the medical wrap "Um, I burned myself."

"How?"

Tommy swiped his tongue along his chapped bottom lip, his head ducking to recapture Jude's gaze "Taking a burning pot off the stove - it's not that bad." Tommy dismissed, switching the conversation to the more important matter "Are you okay?"

Jude looked up from under her lashes "Depends on your definition."

Tommy tucked Jude's hair back with his index finger and laid his hand against her cheek, his thumb wiping away the makeup covering the healing cut "Are you still hurting?"

_Depends on your definition_, Jude wanted to say again but just went with shaking her head No instead. She relished in the feel of his touch, like she'd been suddenly relieved of a pain she wasn't aware of until it was gone.

Tommy examined the mark on Jude's face, pleased with its progress. She won't be left with anything more than a hair line scar. His mouth started forming the next word but no noise came out, stopped by Jude's interjection "I'm sorry, Tommy." She sucked in a hitched breath, her weeks of acting and resolve crashing at her feet with a quiet sob "I can't." She brushed past him on the stairs, jogging to the bottom, "I can't do this right now."

Tommy watched her retreating figure, unable to find the strength to chase after her.

llllllllllllllllllllllll

A puff of frozen air collected around Jude's mouth as she stumbled sleepily to her front door. On the drive home, she'd set her mind to a stern decision of not giving anything any thought until she had at least twelve hours of sleep. Her half lidded eyes failed to notice the silver car parked at the curb, even as she turned to dig out the keys she'd stupidly thrown back in her bag; they were rendered unnecessary, though, when he found the door already unlocked.

Her leather coat and bag hit the floor immediately and Jude was in the process of going for the kitchen when movement from the living room caught her attention. Once her eyes landed on the scene, she regretted looking "Sadie!" Her voice was a surprised shriek, doubling in volume when she realized the man Sadie was straddling on the couch, "DARIUS?"

Sadie's eyes rounded with surprise as they met Jude's over Darius' shoulder. She shoved up from his lap and much to Jude's relief, Sadie still had her jeans on. Darius on the other hand only smirked at the interruption, his eyes showing minor disappointment. He gathered his shirt from the floor and slipped it on, not bothering to fasten the buttons "Looks like we'll have to pick this up later."

Jude's eyes squeezed shut, blocking the view of Darius' mouth on Sadie's, and opened them in time to see Darius flash her a smile, "Jude." His head tilted slightly as he addressed her, not at all phased or embarrassed from getting caught. Jude waited while Darius put his coat on, shooting daggers at Sadie.

"Let me explain." Sadie started, her hands held up, palms forward "Darius gave me a ride home, and asked to come in and one thing led to another..." She trailed off, her chest still heaving from the make out she'd just been indulged in

"Darius?" Jude asked, surprised as how calm her voice sounded. Sadie stuttered for a response "Darius?" Jude repeated, her shock and disgust seeping into the name

Sadie approached and her arms slowly returned to her sides "It's been in thought for a while now."

Jude's eyes closed against the mad chatter going on in her head, she opened them again only managing to sputter one word "DARIUS?"

"You said to go for it!" Sadie reminded

"But - but...Darius?"

Sadie's arms crossed over her chest, hip cocked to one side, "Okay, new word now."

The irritated words brought a scowl to Jude's face "You're upset with me? I just saw Darius shirtless and you're mad at me? Oh God," She groaned, "I just saw Darius shirtless," Her glare landed on Sadie "Your fault!" She slapped a hand to her forehead, trying to cast the the images from her head "Why does this always happen to me? And what is it with that couch that attracts sex? It's not even that comfortable."

Sadie lips tilted up in an amused smile, her eyebrows arched slightly in question "How many times have you caught people there?"

"Three" Jude spat, and then motioned to Sadie with a quiet correction "Four."

Sadie shook her head with a light chuckle "We weren't having sex - well on our way, though." She smirked down at the floor

"EW!" Jude screeched "That's so wrong!

"Please be rational" Sadie said "It's not that big a deal."

"Rational?" Jude demanded, "How can I be calm with so much," Her mouth twitched as she searched for the right word "Wrong going on here?" Her mind raced to outrageous conclusions, thinking months, years ahead into Darius being a more full part of her life "He is not living with us! Kwest was one thin-"

Sadie's hands grabbed Jude's shoulders, halting her frantic babble, "I'm pretty sure Darius can take care of himself." She leveled her face with Jude's "Relax. This whole thing is new and strange for me too."

Jude released a long, calming breath, the worst of the shock behind of her "Isn't he like ten years older than you?"

Sadie cocked an eyebrow "You're really preaching to me about age differences, Jude?"

Jude sighed. Sadie had her with that one "Nooo."

"Sorry you found out like this." Sadie grimaced apologetically "I didn't mean it to happen that way."

Jude shrugged off Sadie's hands and turned for the kitchen, "Whatever - I'm too tired to deal with this right now. And don't you ever make me see that again."

"No problem." Sadie agreed easily, following Jude and pulling a box of poptarts from the cupboard.

Jude's empty stomach growled at the thought of food, suddenly starving after weeks of feeling otherwise "Pass me one of those - oh and the pretzels too."

Sadie handed over a silver package and watched as Jude eagerly tore it open "Nice to see you eating."

"I've been eating." Jude argued around a mouthful of poptart

"No, I mean really eating; not one-cracker-a-day eating."

Jude swallowed "It was more like three crackers a day."

Sadie dropped her own poptarts into the toaster and pulled two bottles of water from the fridge "Why the sudden change of appetite?"

Jude shrugged, wondering if she should tell Sadie of Tommy's return or not - she'll find out soon enough, though, Jude concluded and let the subject drop. Sadie handed Jude a bottle with a smirk, "So, who else did you catch on the couch?"


	26. Chapter 26

The next day, Tommy was woken by his cell phone. The person on the other line was unfamiliar, but was passing along a summons from Darius to be "Waiting at his office door in one hour." Initially, He only groaned and hung up on the woman, only a minute later, though, Darius himself called and the demand was far more menacing.

Tommy sat up and pulled the headphones from his ears, following the wire to where his MP3 player had gotten lost under the blankets. His sleep was restless and spent tossing about with Jude's music playing in his ears. He avoided the more painful tracks on her new album, ones he'd written with her, made memories with. The effort seemed fruitless, though; everything involving Jude's music held a memory. So really, he'd spent the night with Jude behind his eye lids.

After a quick shower and digging some clothes from the suitcases that still lay sprawled on the living room floor, Tommy headed for Gmajor; hopelessly hopeful that he'll run into Jude somehow.

llllllllllllllllllllllll

This is ridiculous. No, this flew right past ridiculous and crash landed in loss-of-sanity territory over an hour ago. Jude clunked her head against the steering wheel of her Mustang, setting of the horn when doing so. Surprisingly enough, she did sleep, she was actually stunned when she woke and seen that more then a few minutes had passed, but you'd think with the enormous lack of sleep she'd subjected herself to she'd sleep more then just four hours. The golden early morning sunlight glared over the roof of the garage and cast it's shine into Jude's car. The warmth of it contradicted the freezing air entering her lungs.

After the stun wore off, Jude tried unsuccessfully to make the same miracle happen twice, but much to her displeasure four hours was all she would get. So she spent the remainder of the evening staring at her cell phone, and when that got old, she got dressed and confidently climbed behind the wheel, ready to go talk to Tommy. She ended up driving half way there, and coming back. Half way there. And coming back. Half way there again, stopped for comfort food in a 24 hour drive thru, and drove back. The fourth attempt actually had her sitting in the parking lot of Tommy's apartment building, and on her way home, she ran out of gas; turns out Sadie's pretty grumpy at 5am, especially when begged to bring gasoline to her insane sister.

Speak of the devil. Jude watched as Sadie exited the home, having changed from sweats to a work-appropriate outfit. She grimaced at the sight of Sadie's skinny jeans, imagining the person who would be appreciating the way her ass looked in them. She's made a conscious effort to avoid any thoughts about her boss and her sister - it was all too disgusting. Darius was this cold, hard, sometimes cruel individual who probably cared more for Sadie's looks then her person. And Sadie deserved better. Jude was sure of it.

A moment later, Sadie joined Jude in the front seat, grumbling as she fastened the seatbelt around herself, "You owe me huge. Do you hear me? Just look at my hair!"

Jude glanced, seeing no problem with it; it looked like the usual Sadie-perfect ponytail "It's fine."

"Fine?" Sadie's high pitched squeal made Jude cringe "Today is the deep conditioning day, and because I have to skip it - thanks to you and your crazy antics - I'll have to start the treatment all over again."

Jude rolled her eyes, wondering if Darius wasn't so undeserving after all "I'm sorry, Sades. I'll find a way to pay you back, promise."

Sadie crossed her arms, watching the house shrink as Jude pulled away from it "Thanks for the ride." She grumbled begrudgingly "Somehow I'd forgotten that getting a ride from Darius would mean leaving my car in the parking lot."

Jude nodded, her lips pressed together in a tight line, dodging all thoughts of Sadie and Darius together. "Explain to me again why conditioning is so important?" Sadie started babbling,

Jude smiled, throwing in the occasional nod but not really listening. The rest of the ride to work was free of anything Darius.

They entered G-major with linked arms, both having silently forgiven each other for the events of the previous evening - or early morning, on Jude's part. "I'll see you later." Sadie gave Jude a light sideways hug before parting ways; Jude heading for the studio, and Sadie going for Darius' office.

"The new Instant Star will be here in a matter of months," Darius said across his desk to Tommy, he was at the conclusion of a very long story "This is gonna be the biggest season yet." He smirked, obviously proud of himself

"Alright?" Tommy prompted, "What does this have to do with me right now?"

"I need a talent finder - you've got a good ear for that kind of thing."

Tommy scoffed, his tone offended "I'm not A&R, D."

Darius leaned his folded hands on a clutter of paper covering his desk "I need you to review the pre-audition demos that come in for our district."

"Pre-audition?"

"Yeah. From the pre-auditions, we determine who comes in for the actual, filmed auditions." Darius' attention was diverted by a beep sounding from his computer, he hit a few buttons and returned to the conversation "You need to sort the best and the worst from the so-so and have them on my desk."

"What do you want the bad ones for?"

Darius shrugged, "Diversity. After all, what's the point of having a harsh team of judges if there's no one for them to be harsh to?"

Tommy rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Is there anything you need me for today?"

"Yes," Darius gathered a stack of papers from the far corner of his desk and stood to hand it over "Those need your attention and your artist is waiting for you in studio. Time is money."

Darius dismissed Tommy with a smirk, "Nice to have you back, T."

Just as Tommy pushed up from the obnoxious leather chair, a light rap sounded on the door. "Come in." Darius called. Tommy turned and met eyes with Sadie, whose mouth popped open

with surprise, "Tommy."

Tommy offered a single, curt nod as he passed, "Sadie."

Sadie whipped around to glare at him _What's his problem_?

llllllllllllllllll

After retrieving her journal she'd left behind in her haste to get away from Tommy, Jude lingered in Studio A, chatting with Speid about his reality show. She showed no sign of arrogance when he mentioned that the show was really getting to Karma's head - turns out she doesn't like the bitch she sees in herself. "We're only in the third week, though. She'll be fine by the sixth - I'm sure by than I'll be shown being a jackass and she'll calm down."

Jude shook her head, "I doubt it. I'm sure you're a good husband."

Speid smiled at Karma through the thick glass separating the booth from the studio, "I do my best." Karma smiled back without deviating from the melody she's singing.

Jude envied the way Speid looked at her, wishing Tommy would look at her like that again "Where's the camera crew today?"

"Phil broke his wrist, so they're taking the morning off to find a new sound guy."

"How did he break his wrist?" Jude wondered, watching Kwest instruct Karma through the intercom

Speid shrugged, "Beats me. But we've been giving very specific instructions not to do anything 'film worthy' until they get back."

Jude chuckled, "I'm surprised you were allowed out of the house."

Speid smirked, "Me too." He leaned over Kwest's shoulder and pressed the intercom, "I'll be right back, babe." Again, Karma acknowledged he'd spoken without breaking song, shooting him a wink. Speid draped his arm around Jude's neck, leading her down the hall, toward hospitality "Enough about me, lets talk about you."

Jude's guards shot up immediately, and her arms crossed loosely over her stomach "What about?"

Speid only managed the first slyable of the sentence before Jude abruptly ducked out from under his arm and yanked him toward the wall, "Block me!" She requested in a loud whisper, tucking herself in the corner. Catching sight of Tommy approaching, Speid leaned against the wall, his arm propped up over his head. Jude waited until Tommy's back was to her to release the breath she sucked in while hiding, "Thanks."

"Any particular reason you're hiding from Lord Squinty Frown?"

Jude's eyes darted in every direction, making sure Tommy was nowhere in sight before rounding Speid, "It's a really long story - Hey, how is it working with Jamie?"

Jude kept Speid talking for a while, more indulged in their conversation then she had been with Sadie earlier. She learned about all the latest gossip; Pegan leaving NBR for the big time tour under G-major's name, Jamie and Blu, and now Jamie and Zepplin. Kwest and Sadie breaking up at some Spa retreat, and Sadie and Darius getting a little too comfortable at a charity poker event. Once Speid ran out of information, Jude came up with fake plans that suddenly had to be taken care of right away and hugged Speid goodbye.

Specks of frozen flakes had begun to fall while Jude was inside, they were already beginning a light coat to the previously snow less ground. Usually the first snow of the season put Jude in a happy winter wonderland time mood, but she's just not up for it; all she had in mind was hot chocolate, TV, and the hours of sleep she'd been deprived of earlier.

"Jude!"

Jude groaned, why is it that all plans were canceled when he got involved? And where was her literal body guard when she needed him? She kept her pace, though, hoping the man behind her would simply let her be.

Tommy's steps came louder and closer together as he jogged to catch up with her, "Jude!"

Jude didn't stop until she was in sight and running distance of her car, mentally noting any cracks or ice patches that would give her trouble if she would have to resort to such a thing.

Tommy came up behind her and gently touched her arm, bringing her to face him, "Hey." he said, a breath of frosted air gathering around the word "Can we talk?"

"Now?" Jude asked, watching specks of white stick and disappear in Tommy's hair

Tommy's hand dropped from her arm, eliminating all contact "Please?"

Jude twirled a piece of hair around her finger, just for something to do, "What do you want to talk about?"

Tommy offered an hesitant, lopsided smile "You look beautiful - I didn't get to mention it last night, but I kinda miss this old look." He slowly and carefully brought his hand up to brush the hair from her face. The fabric of his glove warmed her skin and left behind it a trail of goose flesh. Jude cursed her involuntary responses to his touch "So did I." She rocked slightly on her feet in the awkward silence, "That all?"

"I don't know what to say," Tommy admitted, a pained expression creasing his features "I know you're hurting, I know I hurt you but I'm stuck - Tell me what I should do."

'Leave me alone' was the first thing that came to mind, followed soon after with 'Find a lake and jump in', neither was right, obviously. Jude shrugged a moment later, "I don't know, Tommy."

Tommy's breath left him in an exasperated gust, "Please, Jude. Just tell me what you need so I can fix this."

"Why did you make me leave?" Jude blurted out, miffed by his demand for an easy fix

Tommy stuttered, his thoughts going back to places he was avoiding, feeling the sting of those memories all ever, "I-I don't know." He said instead of getting into full detail

Jude angrily shook her head, "No! Don't give me that. No more 'I don't know' or 'It's complicated', tell me the truth, Tommy."

"But I don't know and it is complicated, Jude! I can't explain it."

Jude scoffed, "You can't explain to me why, after finding out about the miscarriage, you sent me away?" Tommy shook his head, a silent plea coming from his eyes "Then this is where we land, Tommy! There's no easy fix this time!"

"Why not?" Tommy yelled back "I know I fucked up, I'm sorry."

Jude's hands went up, tears beginning to sting her eyes "How can you be so calm about this? What happened is a big deal and you're trying to brush it off like it's just another fight!"

Tommy stepped forward and spoke with a much softer tone "I'm just trying to figure out a way we can get past this."

Jude sniffled, "Past this to what? Getting back together?"

Tommy's watery gaze met the ground beneath their feet, "I don't know."

Jude choked out a sob, "Then there's nothing left to discuss, is there?" She turned to leave when Tommy caught her by the wrist "Please don't go." He said

Jude turned back to him, "I'm in so much pain, Tommy. And standing here in front of you is killing me right now. So unless we can discuss this open and honestly, I can't stay."

"Jude," Tommy sighed, the intensity of his own pain evident on his face, "Can't we just start over?"

Jude's suffering peeked at his words and she allowed herself one moment of comfort that would surely cause hours of pain later, and wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms held her to him, tightening when she tried to back away "There's to much to simply wipe clean, Tommy." Jude unwrapped his arms from her waist, her breathing hitched

"But Jude,"

"No Tommy." Jude cut him off "I can't do what you're asking me to."

"TOM!" Darius' voice bellowed behind them, "Last I checked, chatting with your girlfriend wasn't on the schedule!"

Jude took that as her cue to bolt.


	27. Chapter 27

Another restless night. Full of thinking, deciding, anger, frustration and of course, lots of crying. Empty of sleep. As Jude went through the cascade of emotions, she found herself tempted to do as Tommy asked and just forget, start over. Maybe it would be the coward's way out, but it seemed a lot less painful than the alternative. Ignorance is bliss, after all...

From head to toe, she felt sore, exhausted; her eyes bloodshot and stinging around the corners. Sadie knocked on her door about an ago, saying goodbye before leaving for work. Jude didn't let her in, just called a hoarse "See you later". Jude hoped her emotional breakdown didn't make it through the wall to Sadie's room; she didn't need any more guff on the Tommy matter. As the whole thing creeps further into the past, it's becoming easier to avoid. Everyone's pretty much exhausted the subject to the point of disinterest or loss of concern. Sadie still tossed her two cents in, but that's just Sadie.

Jude rolled out of bed and crossed the hall to the bathroom. Examining her messy hair and pillow creased face, she frowned. She looked exactly like she'd spent the night tossing and turning, burying her screams in a bundle of blankets. And even though she'd let the weakness she's been fighting take over, she felt oddly relaxed; relieved even. Her brief encounter with Tommy yesterday, had her at rope's end, and when she finally crashed into bed, there wasn't any fight left, she cried without restraint.

Now that it was all over, Jude just wanted to get back to her life...but how? Assuming she had the place to herself, Jude languidly made her way down stairs dressed in an old grey hoodie of her dad's and a pair of red boy shorts. The smell of brewing coffee soon filled the kitchen, followed by the delicious scent of warming pastries. She left her mug waiting by the coffee maker while she picked out a movie to occupy the next couple of hours; avoiding anything mushy or romantic - certainly anything she watched with Tommy - and settling on an old musical.

The moment the opening sequence started, a loud, obnoxious pounding sounded from the front door. Jude threw her head back with a groan, "You've gotta be kiddin' me." The knock sounded again with impatience. Jude glowered in the general direction of the nuisance and stood, taking her steaming mug along with her. She wasn't the least bit surprised to see Tommy's face through the glass, or the fact that it wasn't a happy one; when wasn't Tommy pissed about something? The door opened and the icy air immediately brushed against Jude's bare legs; she shivered, but otherwise kept a casual demeanor "Since when are you out of bed before nine?" Was what she ended up asking. Noticing Tommy's disheveled hair, she added, "And unquaffed none-the-less."

Tommy's scowl remained as he held up a jewel case containing Jude's album "What the hell, Jude?" He demanded

Jude sighed and turned without response, sipping at her coffee, "Care to elaborate?"

Tommy stormed in, not bothering to close the door behind himself, speaking in an angry, contemptuous tone, "I got a call from someone asking if I wanted to explain my side of our abusive relationship."

That caught Jude's attention. She turned on her heel with a shock ridden expression, "What?"

"Like you didn't know," Tommy scoffed "What the fuck have you been telling people?"

Jude's eyebrows knitted incredulously at his accusation "Nothing!" Literally.

"Oh really?" Tommy held up her album again, "I'm Innocent, huh?" With an angry flick of his wrist the case flew and landed to a skid agaisnt the wood floor "What do you think people are gonna take from that?"

Jude's gaze directed to where the album crashed against the kitchen counter; good thing she left the doors open, or it would've gone right through the glass... "I haven't said anything to anyone - let alone anyone from the press. They must have jumped to conclusions."

Tommy barked a loud, humorless laugh, "You think?" His fists clenched at his sides "What the fuck are you thinking putting that out? Now my face is plastered over every sleazy tabloid claiming I beat the shit out of you."

Jude tapped her fingers against her mug and met his eyes again, "I can't control what other people think, Tommy." She kept her voice low, resigned. Embracing the fact that Tommy saw the song as nothing more then another problem in his life. Did he even listen to it? Didn't he get what she was trying to tell him? Guess not. There goes three hours of her life wasted. And to her credit, she did try to isolate the track a little by only releasing it on the deluxe edition of her album, and not allowing it official digital release. Her efforts fell short, as usual.

"And I can't even say it's not about me," Tommy continued fuming "You might as well've stamped my name on the damn thing."

"That was kind of the point," Jude said "I wanted you to know it was about you."

"You went too far," Tommy growled "You wrote about things I only shared with you for the whole God damn world to hear."

Jude's tapping fingers picked up rhythm as her anger began to gather "Sorry, I didn't know catching fireflies was a confidential matter."

"It's more then that and you know it." Tommy seethed, moving closer to her, "You put bits of my life out there for everyone to scrutinize, but worse then that - I've got the rep of being an abusive boyfriend."

Jude shrugged, "I'm sorry, okay? Whatever - I'll release a statement say-"

"That isn't going to help Jude! These stories will be around forever." In the flash of a second, Tommy let his angry front slip, reveling the more honest emotions of hurt and vulnerability. He was betrayed that Jude would put the dark past he's kept so well hidden under a microscope for the world to judge. Nothing of what he read on gossip sites this morning was true, but it's what everyone will believe. After four years of being tagged as a horrible person by the residents of his home town, he'd moved on and made a new name for himself; sure, being a player wasn't a glamorous title, but one that could be respected by guys. And even after that, the new title of being a respected song writer/producer is one he's proud of and Jude helped him

build it - only to crash it down, it seems.

If Jude hadn't been watching, she would've missed the split second of emotional crisis in Tommy's eyes. Her face softened, realizing there was more to this than a couple bad tabloid covers. She set her coffee aside and crossed her arms, "It'll blow over." She tried to assure and was rewarded with a glare "You don't understand." Tommy's tone was a mere hiss

Grief and exhaustion creased Jude's features. She was so tired of this, tired of finding out things long after they were relevant to a situation, like how dangerous Hunter was, for example. "Then explain it to me." her voice was a soft desperate plea

Tommy's glare staggered at her request, the scowl falling from his face. He took in her small, fatigued frame with watery eyes, unable to imagine being pissed enough to hurt her further.

His guard crashed down, and he spoke with a rough, cracking voice "I didn't hit you, Jude." Of all the things he did and the things he said to her that was the thing haunting him most. It came down to the simple fact that Jude wasn't scared of him, despite everything; she stuck around and kept strong, standing by his side. But that day, when she looked up at him with a bloody face, she was horrified, she looked at him like he was a monster; and he felt like one to.

The sound of it left Jude unsure if Tommy was convincing her or himself. She was positive it was an accident, so it must be his own doubt causing the upset. Although she had gotten over this a long time ago, it's evident that he still feels guilty, and the new gossip was only worsening it. Jude's night of crying left her with dry eyes now as she approached him, closing the distance with a tight embrace. Tommy returned the gesture immediately, burying his face in her hair, while Jude rested her cheek on the shoulder of his leather jacket. She breathed in his all too familiar scent with a dry sob. "You didn't do it on purpose." She assured, rubbing his back soothingly.

Tommy's hitched breath fanned Jude's neck as he sniffled "I'm sorry." He pulled back and swiped a hand over his face "I'm so sorry for everything."

Jude nodded, affected by Tommy's pained expression, a pain of her own aching in response. His pain, her pain - it's strange what love can do. Jude's nimble fingers brushed across his face, removing the moisture from under his eyes "It's okay."

Tommy's hand pressed against Jude's abdomen through the thick fabric of her hoodie, "It's all my fault," He choked out "We wouldn't have lost her if I hadn't scared you off." Jude started to disagree, but he cut her off, "No. You can't say it isn't, Jude. If I hadn't lost my tempter, you wouldn't have run away and ran into Mike."

_Her?_ Jude mentally questioned the word with an arched brow, and with a melting heart realized he must have wanted a baby girl too. She reached behind him and shoved the door shut, cutting off the breeze freezing her exposed areas, and grabbed Tommy's face with both hands, intent on shifting the blame "I wouldn't have run into Mike if I hadn't gone to a bar to cool off."

Tommy shook his head, "It's my fault," He insisted with a sob "Just like everything else."

Jude was going to argue when Tommy sunk to his knees, pressing his face into her belly, unbearable guilt weighing his body down. He wanted his baby, wanted to go back and fix all that went wrong to make him lose his baby. He never saw himself as the 'father' type, but with Jude..he did. And now that it had been within grasping distance, he didn't want it to be gone.

Jude combed her fingers through Tommy's messy hair, bending to hug his head, "I'm sorry, baby." She whispered, and as if she were able to read his thoughts added, "I want her back too."

After a short while, Jude urged Tommy on to his feet and hugged him more fully, managing to shed a few tears of her own. Her hands rand down his arms and for the moment shoved aside how much the man in her arms hurt her to try and comfort him "C'mon." She whispered, pulling on his hands "I think we both need some sleep." As she spoke the words, her eye lids drooped and a yawn escaped her.

Rather than face the disaster scene her room still was and the questions that would arise from it, Jude and Tommy settled on the couch under the blanket. Under the comforting hold of Tommy and his leather jacket, she fell into a peaceful slumber. Tommy soon followed.


	28. Chapter 28

Jude stirred first, waking to the dimmed light of late afternoon. She felt dazed, almost dreamlike, as she came to. Her blissful disorientation was short lived, though; once she realized a pair of strong arms was wrapped around her waist, her groggy brain quickly caught up, remembering all that happened this morning. Tommy apologized, sort of, and was crying over the loss of their kid. After the way he wrote her off, she honestly didn't think he cared that much about it - or her, for that matter - and now that she knew her pain was being shared, it lessened to a nearly tolerable burden. And she hoped he felt the same ease of weight; despite everything, she didn't want him to suffer, she wouldn't wish what she's been through on anyone.

After a moment, she moved gently against her restraints. Tommy's slight snore indicated he was still deeply asleep, and his limp arms proved it. She slipped away from him easily and quietly patted up the stairs to her bedroom, locking the door behind herself. She knew it was wrong, she knew she learned to behave better than this, but all she wanted was to be away. She didn't want to face Tommy when he woke up, or face the confrontation she knew was coming; the sight of the street from her bedroom window was so tempting, it looked free like the road would take her far away from here if she willed it too.

Jude's resolve was sturdy, though; If the dramatics didn't play out now, they'd just happen later. What's the point of running if you have strings ready to pull you back? "Just one last fight" She whispered to herself as she perched on the corner of her bed "Then it'll all be over." Jude wasn't naive enough to think Tommy actually wanted to give them another shot, not that she wanted to either. All that was needed of her was the little strength she had left to make it through one more argument, then she can go on tour and maybe bum around Europe afterwards, or even Asia. Who said she needed Tommy to go to Thailand?

The clock read three-thirty when she looked. That's seven hours sleep, and that's better than nothing. She put on a pair of blue jeans and pulled the hoodie from her body, replacing it with a navy blue sweater, and idly wondering if Tommy's had the same issues she's had with sleeping. Probably. He looked pretty exhausted this morning.

With that in mind, Jude descended the stairs just as quietly as she ascended them and snuck off to the kitchen; a cranky Tommy won't be any easier to deal with then a well-rested one. Dumping out the now stale coffee, she started a new pot and picked through the leftovers in the fridge. Maybe it won't be so bad, She thought, trying to calm the distress wreaking havoc on her nerves, Maybe, for once, we can sit down and talk calmly like two adults should.

Jude took a scorching swig from her steaming mug, ignoring the burning sensation in her throat, her shoulder propped against the kitchen doorway. She stared at the couch with a shake of her head. After catching Sadie and Darius, she draped a pile of blankets over it and put in an order for a new couch; Sadie called her ridiculous, but how many ways can one be traumatized before it was time to just replace the damn thing? She chuckled silently to herself, Sadie and Darius? Who would've thought...

Tommy muttered under his breath as he rolled onto his stomach and wrapping both arms around a pillow, burying his face in it. Jude smiled at the sound; Tommy denied that he talked in his sleep - even when Jude recorded it, he claimed it false and made an untrue accusation of her having a deafening snore. She ached for those carefree days in their relationship; she'd give anything to have them back. With a longing sigh, Jude finished off her coffee and went to sit on the floor in front of the couch near Tommy's head and began flipping through the latest Billboard magazine.

llllllllllllllllllllllll

Just over an hour later, Tommy's eyes blinked open to the sight of the TV screen displaying a commercial for ringtones and the sunlight glaring through the living room blinds, casting stripes across the living room. He brought his watch to his face and groaned at the time. He was supposed to be at G-major hours ago for Milo's studio time, Darius is gonna be pissed. He turned to his side, awkwardly digging for his phone in his pockets.

"No one's called."

Tommy's actions halted at the sound of her voice, just now realizing where he was and remembering why he came here. Jude's face came into as she leaned against the back of the couch. She nodded toward his cell phone sitting amongst a spread of magazines on the coffee table "I checked, no missed calls."

Tommy reached up and touched her face, "Hi."

Jude cracked a smile, leaning into his touch, "Hey." her skin tingled when he pulled his hand away to turn and stand up "You've been out for a while - eight and a half hours."

Tommy shrugged out of his leather jacket and straightened the rest of his clothes, his voice rough from sleep, "How long did you sleep for?"

"Seven, I think."

Without a second thought, Tommy rounded the couch and enveloped Jude in his arms, kissing the top of her head. Jude's arms laced around his neck, relishing in the warmth and security Tommy always provided. She broke the embrace a moment later, and kept any emotion from slipping through her voice, "Sorry we didn't talk more earlier, I just thought be both needed a rest before getting too deep into it."

Tommy smiled softly and brushed the hair from Jude's face "No, I'm glad we did - we both needed it." Jude nodded, secretly pleased that he's been just as restless as she's been. "You know what this reminds me of?" Tommy asked, his head tilted thoughtfully. Of course Jude knew, "The day I chose you," She answered quietly

Tommy's smile weakened, laced with pain. "Yeah." He forced his voice to sound light, and a playful glare to his eyes, "Only you would drag me out of bed at 7am."

Jude's own smile brightened with amusement, "You answered the door in your boxers with messy hair."

"And you gave me the best news of my life."

"Only for you to go back to bed." Jude breathed a shaky laugh, the pain of the once happy memory catching up to her

Tommy's smile vanished completely, a sad, remorseful expression coming to his eyes, "We spent the day on the couch, sleeping and ordering food, remember?" Jude nodded "I miss that." Tommy concluded

"Me too." Jude's voice a broken whisper, she cleared her throat to gain some clarity, "We need to talk."

Tommy's face flashed reluctance before he silently nodded his head. He followed upstairs, noticing her hesitation before opening her bedroom door. First glance, her room looked messy as usual, second glance was more...startling. It wasn't a mess, it was trashed "What the hell happened here?"

"The result of being sent home." Jude bit harsher than she intended and shrugged "I had a little built up anger."

Tommy toed off his shoes, choosing not to press the issue until he encountered a picture of them within a smashed frame on the floor, "Guess so." He remarked, frowning at their smiling faces in the photograph.

Jude sat on the end of the bed, facing the headboard where Tommy was settling. He stretched his legs out in front of him and playfully poked her with his foot, "Could you get any further away?" He patted the spot next to him "Come here."

Jude paused, considering and then shaking her head, "I don't want to get comfortable" She admitted "I'm scared how you will react."

Tommy's brow furrowed in question, "React to what?"

"Our conversation." Jude sighed, bringing her legs up on the bed, sitting Indian-style "If you get pissed, you'll just push me away, so I'm gonna keep my distance." Her back pressed against the low bed post and her arms crossed over her chest, guarded.

Tommy frowned, "That's fair." He sighed and sat up, mimicking Jude's posture

Jude filtered through the many things she wanted to ask him, searching for the most relevant, but before she could ask anything, Tommy spoke up, "I'm sorry," He started "About...everything. I was a complete asshole to you and you didn't deserve that."

Jude nodded, "No, I didn't." She kept her eyes on the sheets covering her matress and took a long deep breath "But I'm not upset about that - I'm not mad at all, really. I just want to...understand, I guess."

Tommy chewed his cheek, watching her fiddle with the star ring on her finger; the sight of it made him wonder where the ring he gave her went, and when she took it off; the last time he was paying enough attention to notice it, was the night he put it on her. "You didn't leave your ring at the house, did you?" He asked, suddenly concerned and trying to remember if he'd seen it anywhere

"Yeah - but you didn't leave it there." Jude added quickly, seeing the panic rise in his eyes "I put it back in the ring box, in your suitcase."

Tommy relaxed a little, "...When did you-"

"A week after my birthday," Jude touched where the 'reminder of Tommy's love' used to rest on her right ring finger "I didn't believe it anymore." She explained softly "I took it off, and kept it in my pocket...when you didn't notice it was gone, I gave it back."

Tommy shook his head, his eyebrows arched. He couldn't believe he didn't realize it was gone, more so, he hated himself for making Jude believe he didn't love her anymore "How did I miss that?" He questioned quietly, not directing it at Jude, just expressing his disbelief out loud; Jude answered anyway, "You tell me." She hadn't meant for it to sound as demanding as it did

"I'm not going to make excuses." Tommy's murmur was a solemn swear. "Everything that happened was all my fault - regarding us," He added when Jude started to protest, "You were absolutely incredible, and I was horrible to you. I'm sorry." He spoke the last two words slowly and sincerely, slight moisture framing his blue eyes. He griped her chin, raising her gaze to meet his "And I never stopped loving you, Jude."

Jude took a moment to gather her shattered resolve of staying calm and unemotional. When she spoke again, there was only a slight edge to her words, "If that's true-"

"-It is."

"If it is," Jude sniffled against the lump in her throat, "Then how could you just throw me away?"

Tommy's knee-jerk response came to his lips immediately, and he almost muttered the over spoken "It's complicated" before stopping it. His discomfort became obvious as he spoke the truth "I didn't want to hurt you anymore - having you leave was the only way to avoid that." He continued when Jude didn't say anything, "My past haunts me, all the time." He admitted "That place, that house...it made me crazy - even before you got there, I was a mess; smoking weed and getting wasted"

"You did drugs?" Jude asked, distracted, but not really surprised

Tommy nodded his head yes, "Just weed, though. I don't do the hard shit anymore."

"I didn't know you could smoke," Jude muttered, a strange catch to her tone "You told me you tried a cigarette once and hated it...guess I never thought to ask if you tried anything else."

"Sorry I didn't tell you." Tommy apologized, then explained "You had already accepted so much about me, I didn't want to add to that list."

"I would've accepted you anyway." Jude whispered

Tommy tilted his head and reached over to hold Jude's hand, continuing with what he was saying "I went back to my old ways, and one of which was pushing away people I love because I don't deserve them."

Jude ripped her hand away from his, "I'm done hearing that." She said, her eyes turning angry, "I'm not anything special, Tommy - and you're not a monster. We're both just people. Human. We make mistakes and learn from them."

Tommy shook his head, doubting her words with tears coming to his eyes. He choked them back down, wanting to be strong in front of Jude "I haven't learned from anything." He disagreed "I wasn't honest with Angie - I lied to protect my fifteen minutes of fame, and she died. I wasn't honest with you and it almost got you killed by Hunter. I knew my temper was a problem years ago, but I never fixed it. I lost it with you, and almost got you killed again and successfully killed the life inside you - I'm no good for anyone, all I do is cause pain. I'm destructive"

Although all of it was true - except for the last part, but she was done arguing that point with him; he'll never let it go - all she could think was ways of defending him from himself, "You're still learning, Tommy." She whispered, "There's not an easy fix for everything."

Tommy focused on a scratch in the hard wood on the floor, acting like she hadn't spoken "It was wrong to push you away when I did, when you needed me most - when I needed you the most. I thought I was protecting you." He glanced toward her ringless finger and recaptured her eyes, a deep sincerity shining through his own, "But Jude, I will hate myself forever if you truly believe that I don't love you anymore."

Jude started down at her hands, think over he's said; the reason he was so cruel with her was because of old insecurities? It didn't seem like enough of a reason. If he loved her, really loved her, it wouldn't have happened like that only because of a haunting past. "I think you think you love me," She concluded "Or maybe that you want to."

"Jude," Tommy said with an incredulous shake of his head, his breathing staggered with emotion, "You know that I love you," Jude still didn't look convinced so he continued with a slightly desperate edge to his voice, "You're my world, babe. I couldn't live without you."

"I'm sure you'd survive." Jude said, swiping at the tear that fell. The more she thought, the angrier she felt. The cold, careless man who tossed her out was trying to - what? - convince her that he did it all with love? "I must have lost your love somewhere, I mean, _I_ love _you_. You are _my_ world, And I would never, ever be able to do to you, what you did to me." Keeping the tears at bay was becoming increasingly difficult, so she gave up, letting them fall freely to pool on the legs of her jeans, "I used to think it would be the same if it were me, but I know now that it wouldn't; I love you too much to hurt you - and I loved you enough to let you hurt me."

Tommy's breathing caught and hitched around a sob, "I didn't do it on purpose, Jude. I would never hurt you intentionally, you know that."

"Do I?" Jude asked, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth

"Yes, Jude!" Tommy's expression looked almost offended, "I was stressed and I got caught up in the past, and I was trying to push you away - I know that's a fuckin' pathetic excuse, but it's the truth! It was nothing you did and it certainly wasn't because I stopped loving you."

"Sure." Jude whispered patronizingly

"It's true." Tommy couldn't believe what he was hearing. How, after all that he's done, after the thousands of times he's told her 'I love you' does she not believe it? Was he really that horrid to her?

Jude dried her face with the sleeve of her sweater and put across her flat belly "We can't ever go back, can we?"

"What do you mean?"

"Back to what we were" She explained "You don't think you're good enough to be with me, and I can't just sit around waiting for you to change your mind - I'm heartbroken enough."

"I don't know if we'll ever be what we were."

Jude's face crumbled, full on crying now, "What made you hate me so much? What did I do, Tommy?"

"You didn't do anything - It was all me, Jude." Tommy moved closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his lap. Jude more than willingly buried her face against his neck. Tommy held Jude tight, tucking her head under his chin and rubbing her back, whispering soft, loving words. Jude settled in his arms, allowing the comfort she's been dying for. Mere hours ago, all she could think about was running from him, now she feared that she'd always come running back, no matter what he did.


	29. Chapter 29

"And then what happened?" Sadie hushed eagerly, fully enthralled in her sister's story. She nudged Jude's side with a quiet giggle, "Did you christen your new bed sheets?"

Jude rolled her eyes; Sadie had no idea how far her and Tommy were from _that_, she also had no idea what the fight was really about or what was really said. She kept the story cut to the bare minimum, and even that was mostly lies. Jude wouldn't have mentioned it at all if Sadie hadn't come home while Tommy was leaving, and Sadie could be quite the pest when she wanted information. Luckily, she had a date with Darius, and that gave Jude enough time to come up with a vague recap to tell Sadie. "No. We decided it would be best to go out separate ways." Jude answered her sister's prying and returned her attention to the phone pressed to her ear.

Truthfully, Jude and Tommy parted ways with a loose promise to keep in touch while she's away. Tommy seemed reluctant to leave, he even asked if he could spend the night, but she gently told him no. As much as she loved sleeping in the hold of Tommy's arms, it hurt just the same, and would've hurt even more when he left in the morning.

"That's it?" Sadie asked, disappointed

Jude held up a finger, listening to the person on the other line explain the luxuries of her new tour bus. She'd been upset when she found out the old one was taken, but was promised a new, better one. "That sounds great. Mind if I stop by and look it today? - Great, I'll be there around noon - Thanks." Jude tucked her phone in to her back pocket and finished off her orange juice. "What?" She questioned Sadie's confused face

"That's it? You just broke up?"

Jude shrugged, trying to make it seem like a lesser deal then Sadie was making it out to be "We were already broken up."

"There's something you're not telling me." Sadie accused, blocking Jude's way out of the kitchen "Tommy looked absolutely devastated when he left last night."

"I don't know what to tell you, Sades." Jude ducked around Sadie and backed toward the front door while speaking, "That's all there is to tell." She flashed a convincing grin and snagged her coat on her way out. She felt horrible for lying to Sadie, but not horrible enough to correct it; she's set against letting anything slip, and Tommy felt the same way. What really happened would always stay between them. The thought wasn't so impossible now that Jude had someone to confide in if necessary.

After Jude checked out her new tour bus, and sent pictures to SME, she got an urgent call from a very nervous sounding receptionist from G-major. Darius wanted to see her, and he wasn't at all happy with whatever it was he needed to discuss with her. Jude couldn't think of anything she'd done to upset him lately; She's done all the press, all the performances and her album was currently at the top of the charts. Must be about something else, Jude concluded as she approached his office and knocked.

"Come in!" Darius hollered. Jude cringed as the sound and shoved the door open, met first with Darius' angry face; second with Tommy's blank one "Sit down, the both of you!"

Tommy moved from his place leaning against Darius' desk to the chair in front of it, Jude sat in the one next to him, shooting a questioning glance in his direction.

Darius tossed several tabloids to his desk, they landed in a sloppy line closest to Jude "Want to tell me what's going here?" Jude's eyes studied the covers, she was on all of them, along with Tommy. Words of rumored abuse printed in bold around the edges in various colors "Any truth to this?" Darius pointed out one in particular; Jude drugged and assaulted: Her side of the story, behind the writing was a tiny picture of Jude sitting on a bench outside of the hospital, a larger one of Tommy, and another one of her; the bruises on her arms clearly visible.

Jude answered first with a firm "No, of course not." Not the way the tabloid was trying to spin it anyway. Drugged and assaulted? Yes. Drugged and assaulted by Tommy? No.

"Either of you care to fill me in on the real story, then?"

By the way Darius said it, Jude could tell he knew something he probably shouldn't. Jude and Tommy shared a look flowing with a silent conversation. It ended with an agreement to lie "There is no story, D." Tommy said "It's all bullshit."

"Really?" Darius asked, false surprise on his face, "Because I've got a direct interview from a man named Ryan Herm stating otherwise."

"Fucking Ryan." Tommy muttered under his breath "He's full of shit." He told Darius

"Yeah." Jude agreed

Darius looked between them, both were wearing matching poker faces. "So there's nothing going on between you two?"

Tommy faked a cocky smirk, "Nothing that shouldn't be."

Darius caught the surprise that flashed across Jude's face and glared, "Where'd you get the marks from Jude?" He shot a warning glance to Tommy, who opened his mouth to answer for her.

Jude panicked a little, not knowing if Tommy's already answered this question and what his response was, worrying she might not duplicate it. "Um..." She started hesitantly, her eyes drawn to Darius' expectant gaze "...Tommy's mom got a little out of control, and I was in the way." She caught Tommy relax from the corner of her eye and relaxed as well "That's all."

"You're sure?" Darius asked

Jude nodded, "Absolutely. You know Tommy would never do anything like that."

"Why are you so worked up, anyway?" Tommy asked Darius "The tabloids are always spreading shit like this."

"It's bad light," Darius answered like it was obvious, "I'm trying to make something of this company, I can't have these kind of rumors going around."

Jude sighed, this had nothing to do with concern for her or Tommy, this was about the stroies making him look bad. "Well that's all it is, rumors. I'll tell anyone you want."

Darius cocked an eye brow, "You would?" Jude nodded. Darius shifted his gaze to Tommy, who nodded also. He flashed a condescending smile, "Great. I'll have a conference arranged for this afternoon - and I want to see a happy rock star couple." With that he rounded his desk and out of his office

Jude groaned, "I walked right in to that, didn't I?"

"I helped." Tommy offered

Jude looked over at him warily, "So...what do we do?"

Tommy shrugged, "Fake it, I guess."

"We should probably get our stories straight." Jude sighed

"Let's talk in my office." Tommy suggested as he stood. Jude nodded in agreement and followed him out of Darius' office. As they crossed the lobby, Tommy took a hold of Jude's hand. She shot him a questioning look, "Might as well start now." He explained with a smile


	30. Chapter 30

"...Okay." Jude breathed, taking a note pad from Tommy's desk drawer and clicking a pen "Where to start?"

Tommy took a seat in his desk chair with a yawn, cocking an eyebrow, "You're writing this down?"

Jude shrugged, "Might as well." She hopped on the desk in front of him, propping her feet up on his chair, "This whole thing is kinda up to you - how much you wanna tell."

Tommy sighed, "Doesn't matter, the story is already out there."

"Not all of it," Jude disagreed lightly "And most of it isn't true."

Tommy picked up a tabloid that had a promise of an 'Exclusive Interview' printed under a picture of Jude. He flipped though, stopping on Ryan's interview and skimmed over it. "Wonder how much he got paid for this." He mused quietly, reading facts about his life that were never meant to be public.

Jude began a little research of her own, reading a story about how Darius has forced her and Tommy to work together despite the 'Abuse'. She rolled her eyes, but was secretly pleased that Darius has been roped in to this as well, he'll have to give a statement too. "Kiss Darius' ass and make him look good" She muttered the words as she wrote them

Tommy breathed a quiet laugh, "When don't we do that?"

Jude smiled, "Good point." She crossed it off the list "This one is mostly about D," She tossed the trash mag aside and picked up another one "What did Ryan say?"

"Lots. But very little regarding our situation." Tommy crumpled up the flimsy paper and hailed it toward the trash can; it bounced off the rim and landed on floor

"You missed." Jude mumbled, not having to look to know she's right; Tommy's always had bad aim. She smirked and balled up a tabloid, tossing it over her shoulder; it bounced off the wall and into the trash bin.

Tommy shook his head in awe, "How do you do that?"

Jude shrugged a little arrogantly, "Some people just have it, I guess."

Tommy's eyes narrowed playfully as he snatched another tabloid off his desk and started flipping through it.

Jude recoiled from the playful banter, the smile vanishing from her face, and her feet leaving Tommy's chair, "Um...did Ryan say anything about your mom?"

Tommy was too distracted with a story to notice her sudden restrain "Just that she was sick, and gets violent from time to time."

"Okay, good." Jude jotted a few things down "That's already out there - so we'll just say the bruises are from her."

Tommy nodded, "Which isn't a complete lie because she has marked both of us...several times." He sighed, remembering "I'm sorry, babe."

Jude brushed off his apology and continued, "How much do you want to tell?"

"We'll say that she's bipolar, and we were trying to get it under control."

"We need more pity words." Jude said

"Pity words?"

Jude nodded, turning the note pad around to show him, "See? Instead of saying that she's bipolar - we say she's suffering from bipolar disorder. And you were going through a very difficult time. "

Tommy smirked, "What about you?"

"I went to console you, and assist with your mom. See? Cake." Jude shrugged with a smile "Of course you'll have to make a very generous donation to a bipolar...fighting...something-or-another."

Tommy chuckled, "Should've seen that coming."

Jude sighed, "So that's that, right? There isn't anything else we have to address..." Tommy held up a tabloid; the cover claimed a hidden pregnancy. "Oh.." Jude said "Well, we don't even need to mention that - the story's a little far fetched anyway."

Tommy stared at a picture of Jude taken outside the hospital; her body wrapped in his hoodie and her face down "Was this after the, er, ultrasound?" Jude only gave it a brief glance, and nodded. Tommy dropped the subject, tempted to point out how depressed she looked and apologizing again. But she was done with apologizes it seemed. "You're right. No need to bring it up."

Jude finished writing their statement and ripped the paper from it's binding, "As long as we don't take any questions - this should be all we need to say."

Tommy read it over quickly and set it aside with a shrug "That's fine."

After a long silence, Jude reached down and pulled on Tommy's hands. He stood, raising his eyebrows expectantly "I'm sorry - I didn't think the song would cause all this."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure"

Tommy bit on his upper lip with a light hesitation, "Did you mean what you said?"

Jude paused in thought, wanting to word what she had to say correctly "I've been thinking a lot about that - about us, and everything that happened. I love you, so I always want to see the best in you - and I do. It's there. And despite how hurt I am, and all that you did, I still believe in the person you were before. I know what you became isn't who you are, and that you didn't mean to act the way you did. I know you were going through a very hard time, and even though how you chose to handle it was at my expense...I forgive you. So, yes, I meant every word I said."

Tommy slowly shook his head, "I don't understand how you could."

Jude's hands went to Tommy's face, looking in his eyes with a very serious, sincere expression "You are a good person, Tom. You let the things other people say effect the way you see yourself, but why don't you listen to me? Those people don't love you, they don't even know you - why can't you believe someone who does?"

"Because I've seen the effects of the things I've done."

"Yeah, the bad things."

"What else is there?"

Jude smiled lightly and leaned her forehead against his, her hands falling to her lap, "All the good...I was so happy with you, Tommy. You made me the happiest, luckiest, person in the world for a long time. You were so good to me - even when I didn't deserve it, even when I was freaking out over something stupid. You've always been there for me."

"I still am." Tommy whispered

Jude pulled back and took a deep breath "I missed you." She admitted "I still do."

Tommy nodded, "You have no idea, girl."

Jude swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and wrapped her arms around him. Tommy pulled her off the desk and flush up against him, burying his face in her hair, "I love you Jude. I do."

Jude released her grip and stepped back from him "Let's just get this over with, okay?"

Tommy nodded reluctantly, "Sure."

Jude closed his office door behind herself and leaned her suddenly limp body against it. She had to remind herself that nothing has changed. She didn't believe that Tommy still loved her, and he still thinks he's a horrible person. Getting back together now would only have the same outcome.


	31. Chapter 31

It didn't take long, but it took longer than Jude would've thought for Darius to throw the press together. They stood around in a grouping of about thirty people, various means of recording equipment on hand, waiting a source to point toward. Jude watched from a secluded area behind the mob scene crowding the lobby while a couple interns set up the table and chairs for herself and Tommy. The scene looked intimidating somehow. Probably because the last time she was in this position, it was with Karma, trying to explain away her drunken pictures and simultaneously named a slut by the media. Good times.

Her fingers curled around the door frame with her growing nerves. She tried uselessly to channel the acting skill she's been so good at lately, but her anxiety was too strong. This was crazy. She's preformed her deepest, most secretive thoughts for crowds of people, so why did it seem so difficult to lie to these unimportant media vultures? With a shaky breath, she turned back into the studio and laid on the couch. Slowly but surely, she untangled her jumbled nerves, and focused on the outcome of what she had to do: Get Tommy off the hook, and out from under the glaring eyes of the press.

"Show time in five." Jude heard Tommy's voice announce, followed by the click of the studio door swinging shut. She smirked at his choice of words 'Show time'; that's exactly what this felt like. She felt his approach as he made it, quietly counting his footsteps with her arm over her eyes. "You ready?" He asked

Jude nodded from under her arm, almost afraid to face the eyes she felt boring into her. She was released from his gaze as he moved to sit on the very edge of the cushion in front of her.

Tommy laid his hand on her stomach and sat back; the weight of it surprised Jude enough to remove the cover from her eyes; Tommy's face was tilted up, staring mindlessly at the ceiling while his fingers tapped lightly against the cotton of Jude's button up shirt. Knowing it was a stupid question, she asked, "You alright?"

Tommy's head lulled to the side, facing her "Not really" He answered honestly "I just want to get this over with."

"Me too." Jude agreed quietly, pulling herself up to a sitting position against the arm rest of the small couch

Without Jude's body behind his, Tommy relaxed a little more comfortably against the cushions "It'll be really quick, though - Darius promised no questions."

"That's good." Jude studied his saddened face and gently pulled her fingers through the hair that managed to fall from his perfect quaff, shoving them back into place "It's just a little acting." She assured softly, repeating the same words that were echoing in her mind a few minutes ago "It'll be fine."

"Acting." Tommy weighed the word and dropped his hand to rest on the toe of Jude's boot "You've been doing a fair share of that lately." He noted

Jude blinked with surprise, but really shouldn't have been taken back by his assessment; Tommy knew her better then anyone. She offered a small, sheepish smile "You've seen the interviews, huh?"

"Yeah."

Jude shrugged lightly, "We all have our talents, I guess."

Tommy offered his hand, "Ready to fake being a carefree rock star couple?"

Jude gingerly placed her hand in his and allowed him to pull her up as he stood "Ready as I'll ever be." Just before exiting the studio they flashed wide, fake smiles to each other and Tommy's arm wound around Jude's waist, holding her close to him as they approached the ominous scene of awaiting vultures. Darius led the way to the table set up near the stairs;

Tommy pulled Jude's chair out for her before taking in his own.

Tommy did most of the talking, Jude's side was mostly backing him up and adding that Tommy would never do what he's been accused of, and to let them him grieve in peace. As Tommy got toward the end of their statement - about his mom - she kept her concerned eyes on him, and wrapped her hand around his on the table. Tommy squeezed her hand, comforted by her caring gesture. Once he was finished, Darius reached between Jude and Tommy to retrieve the microphone set on the table "That's it for today." He said in a firm, dismissive tone "But if there's any questions you have for me, I'd be happy to answer." A buzz of questions were quickly slung at him, he met them with a confident smile

Jude and Tommy snuck away from the spot light and headed for the side door, holding hands. As they expected, the alley was lined with paparazzi who eagerly rushed over, tossing out all sorts of questions and assumptions. Tommy ushered Jude through the mob protectively, shoving anyone aside who got too close. Making sure Jude was safely in the driver's seat, Tommy rounded the car and got in as she started the engine. "Jeez," He complained, taking Jude's hand "This is the worst it's ever been."

Jude shrugged, "They'll move on eventually." She fought the urge to pull her hand away; not because she disliked the feeling of his hand around hers, but because she liked it a little too much. This was the plan, though. And if Jude had the list memorized correctly, they dad to stop for coffee on the way home. She sighed...oh, the things Darius made them do.

They ended up at the little cafe a few blocks from Gmajor. Jude regretted the choice the second she stepped foot inside the familiar surroundings. Her eyes slanted toward the table where Tommy first told her 'I love you' as she passed it, stopping at end of a line of three people in front of the counter. Tommy didn't seem bothered, he seemed quite...happy, actually. He slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close enough to drop a kiss on her head, causing Jude's tense body relaxed a little. She wasn't sure if he was still acting or if he's really enjoying this; either way, it felt nice. Like old times.

And that feeling set in more and more as they gathered their coffee and sat at a table two rows in from the window. For the first time in longer then Jude could remember, they weren't discussing the latest stress, or any of the many problems surrounding them; they mulled over light topics, made each other laugh. Soon, the acting eased completely and they were trapped in their own world of inside jokes and whispered conversations.

The paparazzi lingered, but faded out one by one along with their interest of the story. There was nothing inept or 'scandaless' to capture; It appeared the famous couple were the same they've always been. Of the few remaining, they took some video and pictures to send back to the man running whatever operation they worked for, but otherwise just hung around for a report of something better to chase after.

Jude and Tommy passed where they leaned against the building a short while later, going for Jude's car, and Jude laughing at something Tommy just whispered to her. They called out a few questions, but were paid no mind by the happy couple.

Jude had both her hand clasped around Tommy's in her lap as he drove her car in the general direction of his apartment. She was going on about an interview she did a few weeks prior with a really, really snotty reporter and how she walked out when she'd had enough of the reporters attitude. "And she called me the next day, begging for a redo because getting an interview with me is what saved her job." Jude laughed, "So I did it, of course. But kept my answers short...and a little rude. I think she got the point." She concluded with a nod

Tommy chuckled, "I'm sure she did." He rolled to a stop by the entrance of his apartment building, and left the engine running. Some uninformed members of the paparazzi gathered at the windows; they clicked eagerly, waiting something angry or violent, but within the car, there was silence that was rapidly approaching awkward. Tommy cleared his throat before asking a question he knew would be risky, "Do you want to come in?"

Jude stuttered briefly, but quickly coming up with an excuse "Uh, I have to get home and start packing."

Tommy was visibly disappointed; he covered it though with a light laugh, "Same old Jude, waiting until the last minute."

Jude smirked, "Yeah, well..."

Tommy withdrew his hand from between hers and laid the other on the door handle. He eyed the camera peering in through the windshield and glanced at Jude, who nodded in response to the question in his eyes. He slowly leaned over the center console and for the slightest of seconds, Jude's lips were on his, giving a chaste kiss. She moved to pull away, but his hand caught the back of her neck, kissing her fully. Jude was more than a little scatter brained when the kiss broke, her mind unable to comprehend what she'd just allow happen here. Before she could make sense of anything, Tommy suddenly spoke up, "You know what?" His hands landed on the steering wheel again "I'm an idiot - my car is still at the studio."

"R-right!" Jude agreed shakily, grasping at anything to keep Tommy with her just a little while longer while she cleared her head "We, uh, we need to go get it."

Tommy smiled, ridiculously happy at her use of the word 'we' and turned the car around.


	32. Chapter 32

"That's all you're bringing?" Tommy asked, watching Jude zip up her suitcase, and eyeing the pile of clothes strewn across her bedroom floor; not to mention the rack of clothes hanging in the closet

"Oh, I didn't tell you?" Jude set her suitcase by her bedroom door, and started work on the mess cluttering her floor "I'm a living commercial for the next three months. Everything I wear will be provided for me by some designer guy."

Tommy shoved up from the bed, and helped Jude gather the askew stack of papers from under her desk, "You mean you have a stylist?"

"Kind of; but I have a choice of what to wear." Jude sat back on her knees to sort through the various random bits of paper; they were mostly lyrics, though; written up on whatever she had handy. She briefly examined, then crumpled the original draft of Ultraviolet scribbled on the back of a Chinese takeout menu "It's not just clothes, either. I'm a commercial for make-up and shoes too."

Tommy smiled down at the chorus of Perfect, written in Sharpie along the edges of Jude's car insurance policy "Sounds like Darius is trying to get every last penny he can before your contract runs out."

Jude shrugged, "Whatever - I'm getting money from it too, so I'm not complaining."

Once Jude's desk area was organized - Well, what organized is for Jude - they started work on the floor of her closet, where the brunt of the damage was, due to her weeks of kicking the mess aside to make a path. Jude watched as Tommy carefully picked up the large glass remains of what was a cup from the kitchen that had been perched innocently on her dresser during her outraged fit over a month ago. Somehow, going to pick up his car led to 'Wanna come back to my place to help me pack?' She still didn't understand what possessed her to ask such a thing, but once she decided to take the offer back, Tommy was already in his car, driving down the street from Gmajor.

It was nice that he was so eager to spend time with her, though. And if she were being completely honest, she'd admit that the want wasn't all one sided. The kiss had really thrown her though a hoop; it was sweet and caring and simply breathtaking - like many things with Tommy were - and she hasn't felt that from him in too long.

She let her mind wander to the day their relationship hit it's boiling point, before the hit, before the fight; earlier, when they'd just woken up. Tommy was hiding them under a blanket, 'hiding from the world' he'd said. Although she was half asleep when he'd said it, she could remember thinking, Finally, he's involving me in something he does.. That alone brought a tired smile to her lips. A little while after that, they had sex in the shower, and while it was amazing, it was also nothing like the other times they'd made love; Tommy wasn't there, emotionally. He'd used it to get out his pent up frustration and anger with the situation they were in. And she felt a little used as well.

But somehow, in that one small, short kiss he made up for all of that and she realized exactly what she missed about Tommy; his passion. The stolen kiss had left her wanting more, and that scared her.

"Did you hear what I said?"

Jude blinked back in to reality, muttering a dazed, "What?"

Tommy held up a few pictures he collected from their shattered frames, "I said, Do you want me to get new frames for those?"

His tone sounded casual, but Jude recognized the subtle lacing of hope in the words. She looked down at the top picture; it was taken at Speid's wedding...they looked so happy. A frown pulled down the corners of her lips, "No. I'll take care of it." As she spoke, she turned and slipped the pictures into the top drawer of her dresser. "You don't have to help me with this, you know. It's my mess, I'll clean it."

"I want to help." There was that eagerness again. Jude sighed "I really don't want to deal with this." Her words were an obvious dismissal. Tommy moved so she could slide the closet doors closed. "Thanks anyway." His eyes followed her every move as she picked up random items of clothing from the hard wood and tossed them in the general direction of the hamper.

She seemed self-conscious with her haste movements and her avoiding eye contact. He couldn't figure out what made her so suddenly uncomfortable, his eyebrows arched while he pondered.

"Good enough." Jude said a few minutes later, looking around her room "Better than it was."

"And that's always been your definition of clean." Tommy snarked lightly from his place on the bed, smiling up at her from the pillows with that infamous smile of his. Jude's heart accelerated at the sight. She edged toward the door, trying to rid the tempting thoughts clouding her judgment "Maybe you should get going." She suggested "I have to be on the bus at nine tomorrow morning."

"It's not even eight yet." Tommy objected pulling a picture from the bedside table and taking a good look at it "I remember this like it was yesterday." He said softly, his voice barely audible, but Jude was close enough to hear, "Which one is that?" She asked, holding her hand out for it; it was a picture of the pajama party. There was so much craziness going on, but amidst it all, Jude and Tommy stood, lost in one of their private, whispered conversations; wrapped in each other's arms.

Jude looked at the way Tommy was cradling her to him and smiled, missing those days. The bed shifted slightly as Tommy sat up, hesitantly moving closer to where Jude settled on the edge, resting his chin on her shoulder "That's my look" Jude whispered, lightly touching her finger tip to Tommy's face in the picture "And that's mine." Tommy whispered back, his breath brushing against Jude's cheek, leaving behind it a trail of goose bumps, like he'd actually touched her.

Jude set the picture aside and turned her face toward his "You don't look at me like that anymore." She said sadly

Tommy frowned in response, leaning forward to gently bump his nose against hers, his lips grazing the corner of her mouth before pulling away. The tiny, loving gesture brought moisture to Jude's eyes. "I miss _you_" Her voice cracked around the last word, further emphasizing it. Tommy understood that the 'you' she's referring to isn't the 'you' he is now. He wanted so badly to be that person again, the one who wouldn't ever hurt the beautiful girl sitting next to him. For the first time, the pain he caused Jude was written plainly on her face, raw, unshielded as she waited for him to answer. But Tommy couldn't think of anything to say, he just wanted to rid the broken expression on her face and make her happy again.

Very gently, Tommy reached up to brush the hair from Jude's face, his thumb tracing over her trembling lower lip. She was trying to hold herself together, he could tell, but couldn't understand why "You are _so _strong," He whispered against the smooth skin of her cheek "But you don't have to be anymore."

At that, what little resolve Jude was trying to stabilize slipped though right her fingers, a sob breaking through her lips. Tommy brought her head to lay against his shoulder and kissed her forehead. For the moment, her pain was causing him serious pain of his own. He could feel his heart breaking for all he's done to Jude, trying to acknowledge it all from her point of view.

Just yesterday he was baffled at how - after all the times he's told her he loved her, and all the things he'd done to prove it - she could honestly believe he didn't care for her anymore. But now, as she cried quietly against his shoulder, somehow he felt he could understand why she would feel that way.

Tommy pulled Jude back by the shoulders and cupped her face in his hands. Slowly, he brought his lips to hers in a feather light kiss. His lips lingered until he felt Jude kiss him back.

When he moved to pull away, Jude hands caught his face, hungrily bringing him back and crashing their lips together. Tommy responded with the same hunger, if not stronger. The kiss was hard, frustrated, fueled by pent up, stress and tension.

Jude's mind was far beyond reason and common sense. All she could focus on was the feeling of her body melting under his touch. It felt natural, right. He was making her feel completed again. Trapped in a rush of emotion, Jude nudged him back until he was lying down and she was straddling his hips. Tommy took no time at all shoving his hands up her sweater, exploring the warm, soft skin he missed so much.

Jude broke the kiss to rid the fabric completely, tossing the sweater to ground, forgotten. Tommy got a hold of her waist and flipped them over so he was on top, his hand running down her body and stopping at her calf to hitch her leg around his waist. In response, Jude thrust her tongue into Tommy's mouth, tasting the sweetness of what used to be hers, what could be hers again at her word, apparently. Her nimble fingers went to work on the buttons of Tommy's button-up dress shirt, while he reached between them to pop the snap of her jeans and shoving the zipper down. Tommy pulled back only enough to look in Jude's eyes, immediately gaining the permission he's seeking, and slid the denim down her legs, taking her panties with it.

"Tommy," Jude breathed, bringing his face back to her and capturing his lips in a passionate kiss "I need you." She whimpered against his lips when his fingers brushed against her center "I'm right here." Tommy whispered into her ear, sending chills through her body. Jude shoved the shirt from his shoulders and yanked the undershirt from his jeans. She didn't dare let her mind linger long enough in the dangerous questions of why she was letting this happen now, before leaving for three months and what might happen in the morning. In this second, her mind was months in the past, before their relationship got complicated and allowed herself to love and feel loved by the man who broke her heart over and over again.

Once they were skin to skin, Tommy took extra care with being slow and gentle, letting Jude take the lead. Hands clasped and Jude licked her lips with a gasp as Tommy filled her. They let the moment of their joining last, relishing in the feeling. Jude was the first to move again, bucking her hips lightly against him. Tommy panted in the crook of her neck as he started a steady rhythm. For a long while, all that was heard was the sound of her breathing and hearts pounding in similar patterns. Jude moaned softly and drew her fingers up his back, feeling his muscles ripple under her touch, rocking with his deep thrusts.

"I love you so much" Tommy kissed Jude hard on the lips, picking up the pace. Jude moaned into his mouth, her hands grabbing fistfuls of his thick, dark hair. Her moans quickly turned to yelps and cries of pleasure as she tightened around him. Feeling her climax, Tommy followed soon after, and collapsed alongside her. As they slowly floated down from their high, Tommy pulled Jude against him, his lips kissing any part of her he could reach, "I love you, Jude." Jude turned her head to capture his lips in a slow, passionate kiss that made her heart skip a beat or two. "I love you." She whispered. Tommy's mouth attached to her neck, leaving a trail of open mouthed kisses, slowly lulling her to sleep.


	33. Chapter 33

Regret. People say it's the hardest and heaviest thing to carry through life - and it was at its worst when fresh. But as Jude's dazed mind caught up to reality, she was yet to feel the weight of it. Though, last night, she was sure she would, there was none. No remorseful thoughts, or stress, or guilt. Nothing. It was overwhelmingly pleasing to wake with a clear mind after months of aching from a cluttered one.

With a contended sigh, Jude stretched and turned over, wanting to curl up with the man she thought was with her, but the sheets were empty. She kept the blanket taught around her chest as she sat up. All Tommy's clothes were gone, she noted along with the fact that the shower wasn't running.

Still no regret. A little confusion, maybe a little hurt. But no regret. She briefly panicked over the thought of maybe Tommy seeing last night as goodbye, which is something Jude had trouble believing because he'd been so determined, but why else would he just take off? As Jude gathered her clothes and slipped on her robe, she noticed there was no note left by Tommy either.

After showering and lugging her suitcase out to her car, Jude took a final glance back at the house and headed for Gmajor. She wasn't sure whether to expect Tommy there or not, but in all honesty, she couldn't push herself to care. She was tired of feelings, especially the painful ones, and over tired of dealing with them.

Right now, she was off on a huge tour to perform for thousands of fans with some of her best friends. She's a rock star. It's the dream, it's what millions of girls, herself included, have always dreamed of. Life couldn't be better….?

Llllllllllllllllll

"Be nice to my car." Jude demanded very sternly to Sadie, unwillingly dropping the car keys into her waiting hand "Please, please don't touch it without my permission, and even then, only in emergencies."

Sadie rolled her eyes and sighed, "Yeah, yeah."

Jude pulled her sister in for a tight hug, "I'm gonna miss you, Sades."

Sadie smiled and lovingly rubbed Jude's back as she pulled away "Love you."

"Love you." Jude turned to smile at Kyle and Wally, who had already found something to bicker about. Having her room on the bus will always be something to thanks Darius for - no matter how many uncomfortable designer clothes were currently filling it.

"Make me proud, superstar." Darius said from behind her. She promised to do her best and watched as Speid and Karma said their goodbyes. There wasn't a clutter of cameras around Speid's departure, which surprised her; she'd been fully expecting have the crew along on the tour and figured that was the reason for the bigger bus. Guess not. "All set?" Jude asked when Speid passed her and was met with no answer. She furrowed her brow and looked back to Karma and for the first time, Karma wasn't her regular self...she looked upset.

With one last hug from Sadie, and another promise to do her job of being a living commercial in full to Darius, Jude took a final glance around the parking lot; no sign of Tommy anywhere. "There's still a few minutes, he might show." Sadie said softly, but her unsure tone was a contradiction to the words, she didn't believe Tommy would show anymore then Jude did.

Jude had mentioned in passing that her and Tommy spent the night together, but spared the details; as far as Sadie knows, nothing happened. Jude felt horrible for keeping things from Sadie, and made a mental promise to fill her in once she got back from tour. Secrets like the ones she's been harboring are just too unhealthy to keep, and maybe Sadie's input will help her sort it all out and provide her with some closure; that is of course, if closure was needed.

The arrival of the bus driver drew everyone's attention to the right; he muttered an apology as he passed them and went to take his seat on the bus. "Alright. Time to go" Jude breathed, forcing a smile, "I'll see you in December for Christmas, right?" Sadie nodded and hugged Jude a third time "Have fun." She whispered "You'll be amazing."

Jude grimaced at Darius wrapping his arm around Sadie, but was somewhat comforted that her sister was taken care of, at least. And deep down was hoping that Darius wouldn't be a figure for the holidays, but knowing that he would be.

Just as she turned, and her foot touched the first step, a familiar engine's roar froze her in place. An unmeasured amount of time passed before she felt his hand on hers and his low voice whisper roughly "Leaving without saying goodbye, Harrison?"

And just like that, she was right back in it.

Jude turned with bated breath and a light, hesitant smile on her lips, "You came." Her astonished voice matched her wide, vulnerable eyes

Tommy smiled, "Sorry I'm late - I had to make sure you had this." He smoothly slipped an envelope into the pocket of her coat "You'll know when to read it." He promised, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

Jude had countless questions for him, but rather than blurting any out, she put them to rest as she took Tommy into her arms. More often than not, Jude found herself not understanding her own thoughts and decisions, and this was one of those times. How had she been so blasé about this earlier? If Tommy hadn't come, she would've hopped on the bus without a second look back, but now that he's here she couldn't believe how heartbreaking the alternative sounded "Thanks for coming."

Tommy pressed his lips to Jude's forehead, then her lips, "I know you're in a hurry, but can you promise me something?" He whispered

Ridiculously, Jude impulsively agreed to assure him of anything he wanted. She couldn't believe it when she said it, but let it go just as quickly.

Tommy brought his gloved hands up to cup her face, bringing their foreheads together, "Don't write me off." He said in a very faint, almost pained voice "Please don't find some guy who is as amazing as you are and let him sweep you away just yet."

Jude wanted to ask why. She wanted to question what he planned on doing to fix things. But most importantly, she wanted to scream with joy that for once, he isn't selling the same story of 'I'm not good enough for you - go find someone who is.' He's asking for the exact opposite. Refreshing.

The bus' horn sounded, followed by the grumble of the driver; Darius' grumble seemed to mirror whatever it was the driver said. They ignored it, too trapped in their world to care. "I won't wait forever, Tommy." Jude stressed, trying to have some control on the situation "But I might wait a little longer for you - if you promise me something too."

"Anything." Tommy's response came just as quick and sure as Jude's did

"Be sure this time."

Tommy nodded in agreement and responded by wounding his arms around her in a tight, loving embrace "Keep in touch, okay?"

Jude smiled, stepping away and taking his hands "I will" She swallowed the lump in her throat. Knowing she'd have to be the one to turn away first, she whispered a quiet "I love you." And pecked his lips before getting on the bus. Tommy's whispered "I love you too." Came a second late, and was far too low for anyone to hear, but Jude knew he said it.

Once safely behind the bus's closed doors, Jude peeked out the side window, waving once before ducking into the room to avoid the burning questions SME had for her. She laid on the bed and examined the letter Tommy gave her. She was curious, and could feel the weight of - what she was sure to be - her promise ring resting in the corner but didn't open it just yet. Tommy said she'd know the right time, and this surely wasn't it. No matter what it was, it would send her running back to him in the next minute. So, at the very least, she had to be out of reaching distance before opening it.

lllllllllllllllllll

"Am I ever gonna know what's going on with you two?" Sadie demanded once the bus was out of sight

Tommy gave a watery breath, pausing to make eye contact with Darius before shaking his head "That's Jude's decision."

Sadie sighed impatiently, "I swear, it's like you guys are on your own planet most of the time."

Tommy only shrugged and turned back for his car. Darius called something after him, but his mind wasn't alert enough to make sense of the words; probably reminding him he had to work in a few hours. Tommy didn't care, though. He wasn't planning on working today, or the next for that matter, and he would be long gone by the day after that.

Leaving seemed to be his forte, and the only thing he saw true talent in. But instead of repeating the exact disastrous pattern, this time he's doing it smart; he told the only person who would care enough to come looking where to be found, and that's all he cared about. He just hoped Jude wouldn't think twice and discard the note.


	34. Chapter 34

"Is it just me, or is this tour like way bigger than the last one?" Jude asked Speid, mostly in an attempt to ease the frown from his face. Apparently - and much to Jude's surprise - when it came right down to it, Speid and Karma didn't jump at the chance to get divorced when their reality show prompted it. And even took it a step further and quit the show all together. The producer didn't care for that, and sent out a lawsuit for breach of contract. Speid's been depressed about leaving Karma to fight the battle alone, with only Darius as her armor. And Jude knew that wasn't much unless Darius wanted it to be - and he's been awful busy lately.

"Uh, Yeah." Jude heard Kyle scoff from the little sitting area near the teeny kitchenette they've been provided with. She rolled her eyes. Kyle is the last person she wanted to hear from after last night when he'd gotten drunk and passed out on her bed, forcing her to sleep in one of the claustrophobic bunks. "I wasn't talking to you." She snapped at him over her shoulder and scooted closer to Speid on the couch they were sharing "Speid, if you want to go, you can." Jude rubbed his arm reassuringly "Go home and be with Karma."

Speid put his hand over hers on his shoulder and offered a weak, thankful smile before shoving up from the couch, "Thank you, but no. We'll be home soon enough."

Jude watched as Speid tucked himself in a bunk and slid the plastic door closed behind him. She sighed. She'd been offering for nearly three weeks now that he go home, but he never took it. In a way, she understood, Darius had Speid on contract for this tour and Speid wasn't about to get on Darius' bad side when he's the only help Karma has. But in lots of other ways, she didn't. As much as Jude disliked Karma, she knew she needed Speid right now, and Speid wasn't budging. That must suck for her.

Jude brought her legs up on the couch and laid back. Her mind briefly wandered down the path of 'what the hell are they thinking anyway? Speid and Karma are so horribly matched' but stopped herself. She had no right at all to judge other couples when she's in a fucked up relationship her own self. Since she's been away, she only talked to Tommy once for a few minutes and it was all small talk, and he called mainly to pass along his new phone number. She didn't bother asking why he'd gotten a new phone, or why a new number was needed. She knew whatever explanation she needed would be in the letter. Their talk ended with 'I love you' and that comforted Jude a lot.

Lately, only on rare occasions, she would think about Tommy and how much she missed him and how, with every mile, the distance between them grew along with the pain in her heart. Last time she got an exact estimate, she was a whole 1,824 miles away from Tommy. When she'd heard this, she figured it might be the right time to finally read the letter nestled under her mattress, but knew that nearly two thousand miles still wasn't enough to keep her from hopping on the next plane home. . .Two-thousand miles was only a three hour plane ride.

Jude had to stop her mind from finishing that tempting thought, and quickly focused on something else, like how nice and soft her lips felt when she rubbed them together. Of all products she's been hawking, the line of lipstains and balms were her favorite, it was the only thing she was actually happy to endorse - everything else was kind of...blah. The clothes were okay, kind of comfortable and looked very good on her, but nothing beat the current comfort of her jeans, boots and over-sized hoodie (That she'd stolen from Tommy years ago, long before they ever dated)

Over all, though, the gig wasn't so bad. It got a little awkward during interviews when she had to find a spot to blurt out the name on the tag of her leather jacket, or the one etched in the sole of her wedge heels. But sometimes the interviewer made it easy with gushy questions like "Ohh, you look fabulous! Who are you wearing?" or "That color looks amazing on you! Where can I get it?" And she couldn't deny how much she enjoyed the rising numbers in her bank account for all this.

"Package for Jude!" Wally announced as he jogged up the front steps of the bus; the driver quickly shut the door behind him to cease the freezing air blowing in.

"All set?" The driver, Cal, called over his shoulder and started up the bus, pointing it toward their next destination.

Jude sat up and took the rather large brown box from Wally with a surprised "Thanks!"

"Kyle's got a letter from his mom!" Wally laughed, dropping the letter on the table as he passed, and headed for Speid's bunk to pass on some official notice he'd gotten.

Jude picked at the tape securing the box shut, noticing there wasn't a return address. She wasn't worried by the lack of it, knowing that anything important she got was inspected and sent along by her sister - no one else would know how to find her. Once she ripped the tape out of the way, the box's flaps popped open and she was met immediately with Tommy's scent, completely off guard. Her eyes fell closed, enjoying the all too familiar smell, and fought of the havoc it wreaked on her resolve.

Before opening it further, Jude took the box to her room, having to squeeze past Kyle in the narrow hallway as he stuffed Wally in one of the smaller bunks they used for storage and locking the door behind her.

For a short while, she only stared at it with pursed lips, debating. Not knowing what the letter held made the decision of opening the box difficult. This could either be a box full of her stuff, sealing the end of their relationship, or something really nice and thoughtful that Tommy took time from his busy schedule to send. Jude pulled the package closer and shoved the flaps out of the way, hoping for the latter. And reminded herself - again - that Tommy didn't want to break up, he's made that clear.

FIrst thing her eyes landed on was a piece of folded paper with her name on it. Without looking at anything else, she opened it.

_I really hope this makes your hotel in time._ The first line read in Tommy's writing. Jude paused before continuing,

_I'm not sure how you'll react to this, so I'll keep this short. First off, I miss you like crazy - and it's getting worse every day. Don't be surprised if I randomly show up in the crowd of one of your concerts. And second, I found this and wanted to you to have it. Sorry I didn't give it to you sooner. _

_No matter where we stand, please know that I love you, and please don't toss this out. _

_Love you always_

_-Tommy _

Jude read the note over and over with knitted eyebrows. What does he mean 'No matter where we stand'? Weren't they on good terms? And why would she toss out something he sent her? With an frustrated sigh, she dug the letter out from under her mattress, ready to rip it open, but something familiar in the caught her eye; inside the box was Tommy's absolute favorite hoodie he got in New York City from a vintage shop that was long gone now. She ran her fingers over the soft fabric with a smile. Being that it was worn by the lead singer of Scorpions, Tommy never let her have it...until now. Jude rid the sweater from her body and replaced it with Tommy's hoodie. His scent enveloped her, bringing a content smile to her lips. _Now's not the time for it_, she thought, stashing the letter back under the mattress.

Llllllllllllllllllllll

Tommy breathed in a breath of thin, cold air and exhaled a puff of frost, sitting on the dock near his childhood home. He thought it strange that trying to quiet old demons led him back here, but then again, this is where it all started. He wanted to be around when Tristan returned to tell him in person exactly what happened with their mom, and why he put her in a home.

Initially, running from the inevitable argument with Tristan seemed extremely appealing but he was sick of running. Not just from what he wanted, but from every little complication in his life. The argument with Tristan will be long, gruesome and maybe violent, but afterwards, they'll be sitting in a bar drinking beer laughing at each other's black eyes like they always did after a fight.

Tristan may have way too much love and concern for Mariam then she deserved, and Mariam may have shown the same gesture in return their whole lives, but they were still brothers. And Tommy was slowly realizing that it's not Tristan's fault their mom always favored him, while all he got was hit and screamed at.

Tommy tried not to think about the last time he was here, in this exact spot, and tried even harder not to feel horrible about it; it was the when he and Jude had fought over her diagnosing his mom without his permission - and right before the blow up that came after it.

Tommy read somewhere that the first step to healing is forgiving yourself. Despite the cheesy-ness of it, he applied it to his live in little places. Like right now, as much as he wanted to hate himself for the incident with Jude, he let it go. Jude had forgiven him for it, so he shouldn't mull over it. Another swirl of frosted air collected and disappeared as he sighed and stood, heading back to his car. He went with a low key Ford truck when trading in this time - knowing his brother would think he was showing off if he pulled up in a silver convertible. The look the woman behind the counter of the car lot gave him was absolutely priceless; surely she'd expected him to request one of the more flashy cars, but handed over the keys all the same.

None of it mattered, though. This was temporary - he was counting down the days until he was free to get his hands on the latest sports car - whatever that may be.

The engine roared to life and quieted to a subtle purr as he drove back to the hotel. Tristan was due back tomorrow, and based on his past history of overreacting when receiving bad news, Tommy hasn't told him much of anything. Better to tell him when he's on solid land. But who knows? Tristan will probably just have a fit, take their mom out of the home and resume taking care of her without a huge ordeal. Well, that's what Tommy's hoping for, anyway.


	35. Chapter 35

"Ohhh God..." Tommy breathed out, perched awkwardly on the arm of the couch that, instead of being in the center of the living room, now sat along the far wall, pressed up against the TV stand. From this angle, he could see the fire damage to its full extent; the charred remains of his childhood laid clearly out before him. The fire had only made it to the hall, so if you were to make it passed the burnt floor boards to the back rooms, you wouldn't know the house was in less than perfect condition. It was eerie.

Funny how he thought he'd never see this place again. Tommy even smirked a little when he remembered his frenzied thoughts of escaping and never looking back; that's what he always thought. Every few years or so, he's been drug back here for some reason or another; cooperating only because of the blood that bonded him to these people, purely for the sake of family - whatever the hell that was. But every trip ended the same: him running for the door the second the chains of responsibility lifted. And yet...here he was again.

Tommy glanced at his watch as he stood and stepped carefully over a blackened piece of wood that looked like it came off one of the kitchen chairs and headed for his room to wait for Tristan. Only difference between the last time he was here three years ago, and just recently, is that he isn't on his typical drinking, sex, and travel binge after leaving; he'd gotten all his stress and frustration out while he was here - all at Jude's expense, unfortunately - and now he just felt...tired. His mind needed a long, solid break to recover from all the craziness. He needed a quiet place to think and sort out his life bit by bit and set everything in order.

Last time he embarked on such a task, was right after Angie died. He took two weeks off, flew to France and locked himself in a hotel room that over looked Paris. Somewhere between writing, drinking and passing out drunk, he'd decided he wanted a divorce from Portia - though that should've been a given when he cheated on her - and that he didn't want to go down in music history as a member from a cheesy boy band, he wanted a solo deal. But most importantly, he allowed himself an entire day to mourn and cry over Angie, after that, he swore never to go there again, never to get close enough to be hurt by any other woman ever again. Love was a four letter word, nothing more.

Two years later, he met Jude.

Even now, as he look back at the first few months of Jude in his life, he could feel the exhaustion of trying to fight off the feelings he had for her. All the wasted nights trying to convince himself that it was nothing more than infatuation seemed so pointless now - like the events that followed were inescapable, useless to fight. "Just one of those things." Tommy muttered to himself and draped an arm over his head, while the other lay lazily at his side.

As much as he loved Angie, he couldn't help but feel that he loved Jude even more - and that's saying a lot. There were only a few tiny things Jude did that bugged him, and those little things seemed to make her all the more perfect to him - for him; he never felt that with Angie. With Jude, it's like she was _meant_ for him, that all the things in his life were only stepping stones that led him to Jude. And what's he do? Spend four years trying to shove her away. Tommy heaved an angrily disgusted sigh with himself, and jerked to his side, his arms now crossed over his chest.

Tommy wished Jude was around to talk all this stuff out with - sure he kept a whole lot from her, but whatever it was he did talk about, she's always been there to listen, and she brought a fresh perspective to things. He realized a long time ago that even though he's spent years keeping to himself, and staying inside his own head Jude had somehow altered that; he wanted to share things with her, wanted to spend hours talking out problems that were long over, and no longer relevant but still haunting him, just to see what she thought of them. His brain wasn't his own little private world anymore, it was Jude's too. And that had scared him shitless. . .and also forced him to come to the conclusion that she was it for him. No one would ever come close to being anywhere near what Jude was to him. They were meant forever - no matter how corny that sounded.

Tommy sighed again, a little softer this time, pained with regret. To him, he felt, well, blessed with Jude - she saved him in ways she'll never know - but he felt like she was cursed with him. So much he's done to hurt her, all the ways he caused pain to the only person in his life who truly loved him left permanent scars that stung when poked at. The fear crept in, and settled in a hard, low knot in his stomach It's just a matter of time, He thought, She'll finally come to her senses and leave me in her dust...I'm not good enough. With shaky hands, he pulled out his cell phone and punched in a message.

llllllllllllllllll

Jude's mouth was completely dry; she repeated the words her sister just spoke in her head over and over, trying to make sense of them. _Tommy is gone_. Where the hell did he go? Just a few minutes ago, she'd been in a lunch meeting with a writer from a magazine, recycling answers to the questions she's been asked countless times already, and was actually happy to see her sister calling; happy enough to cut the interview short and jog upstairs to her hotel room to talk to her. She was happy she made that choice now, where there was a bed to collapse on, and no eyes to watch her fall apart, "G-gone?" She stuttered into her cell phone, "Are you sure?"

"Sorry, Jude." Came Sadie's voice, softened with concern and low with seriousness "He's definitely gone."

"But, what about his job? The contract with Gmajor? How's Darius reacting to all this?"

"Well, he's Darius." Sadie said, she almost sounded worried "He's...beyond pissed." And that was putting it lightly

Jude felt herself sit on the corner of her queen-sized bed, and brought a hand to her forehead, "There's no way," She argued "Tommy wouldn't have just up and left."

Sadie took a deep breath "His number is out of service."

Jude's pounding heart slowed a little and her eyebrows knitted "No it's not, I just talked to him a couple weeks ago."

There was a pause, and what sounded like Sadie clicking a pen, "What number did you get a hold of him on?"

Jude pressed her lips together. Was Tommy's new number meant to be a secret? Was she the only one he gave it to? She tentatively repeated the digits to Tommy's old number, and heard Sadie sigh, "That's the one that's out. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I wanted to be sure he was gone before freaking you out. Sorry Jude." The apology didn't seem as kind as the last one, this one sounded disappointed.

Jude didn't waste time trying to figure out who the disappointment was aimed at, only muttering a quick goodbye before hanging up. There's no way, Jude thought fiercely He sure as hell wouldn't have said what he did if he had any intention of leaving - and he wouldn't have called me with a new number unless he planned on keeping me in the loop. She stared down at her phone, tempted to call and check the new number was working, but scared that it might not. She knew Tommy well enough to know he meant what he said before she left, she was sure of it. But he also has a tendency of finding a new life when the old one got too complicated. Did that include her? That she wasn't sure of.

The phone clasped tightly in her hands lit up and beeped, causing Jude to jump. An envelope blinked impatiently on the screen, and Jude braced herself for the worst before opening it.

**No questions - Just tell me that I'm being stupid and to let it go**

From Tommy. Jude exhaled a huge breath of relief and hit the call button. Three rings and a "Hello."

"Hey," Jude's voice sounded off - like she'd just recovered from a heart attack "You should know better than to expect me to insult you without good reason."

Tommy grinned, his troubled mind settled for the moment "I have good reason, trust me. Just say it."

Jude laid against the pillows and sighed, "Fiiiine. You're an idiot, happy?"

Tommy's grin stretched across his face "Thanks." There was a moment of dead air that quickly turned awkward. Tommy jumped to fill it "How's your tour going?"

Jude shrugged against the sheets and adjusted one of the buttons on the black vest she had on over a purple, skin tight sweater "Fine until two minutes ago."

"Why? What happened?"

"Sadie gave me a heart attack. Apparently you've left without a trace, Mr. Quincy."

Tommy smirked, happy to hear that the thought of him being gone was an unpleasant thought for her, "Yes I have - and call me Bond."

Jude chuckled, toeing off her boots and bringing her feet up on the bed, "Okay, _Bond,_ care to fill me in on your master plan?"

Tommy scratched the top of his head with a light grimace "There isn't one."

"Brilliant." Jude remarked sarcastically

"I'm an idiot, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Jude chewed on her cheek, waiting for him to go on, sighing when he didn't, "Seriously, Tommy. What are you doing?"

Tommy looked around the room and breathed out quiet, "I am...waiting for Tristan to get home so we can get this brawl over with and I can go home...where ever that may be."

"Wait. Tristan? You're back in New Brunswick?" He mumbled a quiet "Yeah." and Jude's chest tightened. Her mind spun out of control with horrible memories consisting of both mental and physical pain; the emotional warfare of trying to keep even that smallest emotion from slipping through her calm facade. Her hand mindlessly swept across her cheek "Why?" She choked out. Had it been silly of her to expect that returning there would be impossibly painful for _both_ of them?

"I'm sick of running," Tommy said simply "It would be wrong for me to leave my brother with all this without an explanation."

Jude squeezed her eyes shut and breathed deeply through her nose, willing her voice to sound unaffected "How bad's the damage?"

"Um...Pretty bad. The whole front of the house is pretty much ash."

_Good_. Jude thought, "What are you gonna do?"

Tommy rolled to his back, staring up at the off-white ceiling "Knowing my brother, I won't be doing much of anything - he'll kick me out the second he finds out mom's in a home."

"Why is he so against it?" Jude asked a little angrily "If it's what's best, then what the hell is his problem?"

"I promise I'll tell you the whole story - just not right now."

Jude rolled her eyes, "I'll hold you to that." She tucked her arm under her pillow and sighed softly "Where are you headed after you leave there?"

Tommy bit his lip, "You haven't read the letter, huh?"

Jude shook her head, "Nope. The right time hasn't come along yet." Another silence passed. Jude had a hard time remembering the last time talking to Tommy was so awkward. They'd talked on the phone all the time when he first went away, and it was never this weird "Can't you just tell me what the letter says?" She asked in a small voice, her eyes glued to a loose thread at the hem of her sweater

A longer silence took up minutes of their phone plans while Tommy hesitated, "No." He finally said "You need to read it."

"Why?" Jude whispered

"...Because you can't hang up on me in a letter."

"Why would I hang up on you?"

"You'll see." Tommy sighed "It's probably better if we don't talk again until you read it."

Jude heaved a frustrated sigh of her own and dug her fingers in the scratchy fabric of the comforter, "Why?" The word seemed so worn out when she'd spoken it, tired of begging for answers from the man on the other line.

Tommy seemed to sense her exhaustion and promised, "This is the last thing I keep from you - just trust me."

Jude rolled her eyes, thinking of all the reasons she shouldn't trust him, and how she was almost offended that he'd just expect her to "Alright, well," Her tone signaled the end of the conversation, "I'll talk to you when ever, I guess."

"Try to make it soon." Tommy whispered "I miss you."

"Yeah." The way it came out was a little rude, and plainly aggravated "Bye Tommy."

"Love you, Jude."

"Sure." With that she ended the call and tossed her phone aside; it bounced off the mattress and to the carpeted floor. Now would be an ideal time to read the letter, except for the fact that her tour bus was a few miles away getting cleaned and gassed up. And she was sure she was annoyed enough with Tommy that she wouldn't go running to him. Not to mention that since he's in New Brunswick now, he's seven hundred miles further away than she thought he was; bringing the tally up to almost twenty-seven hundred miles between them.

The thought of it left Jude feeling a little lonely. As much as she loved the guys, they haven't been great company; Speid's been moping around, and Kyle and Wally were either fighting, or trying to find a bar that would waive the age limit just because they're famous. She sort of regretted calling Tommy, not only did it emphasize the distance between them, it also rose a whole new round of questions. Why he left, for example.

As her annoyance eased, and her mind cleared some, she also began regretting not telling him that she loved and missed him too. She didn't want him thinking she was done with him, and possibly cut her out of the loop he's finally included her in. Quickly, she fished her phone out from where it landed under the bed and sent him a text.

Lllllllllllllllll

Tommy shoved up from the bed at the sound of an approaching car, looking out the window, but plopped back down when he saw it wasn't Tristan. His phone vibrated next to him; a text from Jude

**I love you and miss you too, babe. No matter how frustrating you are.**

Tommy smiled a little, and set his phone aside. He didn't realize he was anxious until it was lifted. _Jude loves me,_ He reminded himself ..._For now_. He added bitterly.

"What the hell?" A shocked and familiar voice sounded from the front room.

"Fuck." Tommy spat and rushed out. Why had he been expecting Tristan to show up in a car? He cursed his own stupidity

"What the fuck, Tom?" Tristan demanded his blue eyes wide as they roamed over the hell-ish scene. Him and Tommy stood at about the same height, and shared the same light tan skin color, but Tristan was the taller of them, little thinner, and not as muscular as his younger brother. Their faces were differently shaped, and Tristan's eyes were a bit more rounded; this was due to their difference of fathers.

Tommy stuffed his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and focused on the spiky tips of Tristan's hair, rather then the pair of angry glaring eyes under it "Mom set the house on fire." He spoke in a low, serious tone

Tristan dropped his over-stuffed duffel bag to the floor and threw his hands up "How could you let that happen?" His eyes darted around the room, and his breathing quickened slightly "How the fuck am I supposed to pay for all this?"

"I'll pay for it," Tommy said calmly; he'd learned from Jude that the calmer you are, the more out of control the other person feels. It worked on him, maybe it'll have the same effect on his brother, "If you want me to." He added "You won't have to worry about anything."

"I don't want your money." Tristan spat "Where's mom."

Tommy took a deep breath, "In the nursing home, up on fifth."

Tristan's face flushed with anger, and his lips twitched as he tried to find a way to respond; he went with his impulse, of course "How could you do that?" He exploded, his lips smashing in to a disappointed sneer "She must be miserable in there!"

Tommy's head feel to one side, fighting the urge to roll his eyes, "C'mon, man. She's fine, she's got the best care takers in all of Canada." It was a lie, of course, but it seemed to ease the red on his brother's face down a shade

"I'm taking her out," Tristan said, it sounded like a warning "She can't be happy there."

Tommy's eyes squinted with a look that said 'Are you kidding me?' "You're worried about whether or not she's happy?"

"She's our mother, Tom. It wouldn't kill you to show a little compassion."

"Easy for you to say," Tommy shot back "She actually gave a shit about you."

"Here we go." Tristan muttered under his breath, "Did you ever think that maybe if you weren't such a dick, things would've been different?"

"Me?" Tommy demanded incredulously "Maybe if she wasn't such a crazy bi-"

"Don't you dare finish that." Tristan warned, on full defense mode "She was a single mom raising two boys, it was hard."

Tommy scoffed a disgusted sounding noise and shook his head "You know it was more than that - you know that she hated me."

"No she didn't." Tristan defended, sounding a lot like a humble boy scout

"How the fuck would you know?" Tommy demanded, taking a step toward Tristan "You were never around - you were just as miserable as I was, but I wasn't old enough to do anything about it!"

"Oh no?" Tristan barked a sarcastic laugh "You seemed to rack up a fair amount of trouble. You made my life hell! I tried everything to keep your ass out of trouble, and when I couldn't, who do you think mom blamed?"

Tommy sneered and ran his tongue through his mouth but offered no verbal response

"You're just like your father, you know that?" Tommy's head shot up to glare at his brother, warning him not say anymore. Tristan smirked a little and stepped closer to Tommy, a piece of charred wood crunched under the heel of his steel-toe slip-proof boots "If it wasn't for you, mom would've left your worthless abusive drunk of a father. Too bad when he left, he left his little clone behind."

Tommy made a low growl-like noise in the back of his throat and threw the first punch

lllllllllllllllllllll

"All right," Tommy laughed a deep, drunken laugh as he nursed a glass of whiskey between his hands "I'll give you that." He slurred, "Remember when we trashed the high school?"

Tristan nodded slowly, he was just as wasted as Tommy. He gulped a sloppy sip from the neck of his Heineken bottle; some dribbled down his chin "Yeah. We need to do that again."

Tommy laughed again "You're wasted."

"Same to you!" Tristan lifted his beer, clinked it against Tommy's glass and finished it off "You throw a mean right hook, man. I'm proud."

Tommy nodded "You taught me everything I know." He rubbed his bruised jaw and stared vacantly at his blood stained knuckles

Tristan breathed out a laugh through his nose, his head bobbing slightly "Yeah." He sighed leaned against the bar so he wouldn't fall backwards off the stool "Mom really was a crazy bitch, wasn't she?"

"You have no idea."

"Sorry, man." Tristan clumsily clapped his hand on Tommy's shoulder and pulled it away "We've got quite the history, huh?"

Tommy didn't answer, he was focusing too hard on not swaying sideways, but then a thought came to him, "Hey!" He shouted a little louder than necessary, gaining the attention of the few people that occupied the bar, including the bar tender "Mom is bipolar!" He announced to his brother like it was the funniest thing he ever heard "She's even crazier than we thought."

"Ain't that somethin'?" Tristan muttered in the same, humored tone "How'd you find out?"

"My girl brought in some shrink to talk to her."

"You gotta girl, man?" Tristan asked, fascinated

Tommy clumsily dug his cell phone from his pocket, and brought up a picture of Jude.

"Nice!" Tristan approved "You brought her around here? You in love with this bitch or something?"

"She's not a bitch." Tommy corrected, but wasn't offended by it - Tristan called every girl a bitch "And yup. She's...yeah." He blinked slowly and ordered another whiskey, requesting the bar tender leave the bottle; he did.

Tristan handed Tommy's phone back and drank from Tommy's glass "What's her name?"

Tommy snatched his drink back and handed Tristan the bottle "Jude."

Tristan nodded, "Good sex name."

Tommy snorted "What doya mean?"

"You know, easy to call out during sex. . .and it's sexy. . .can I have her?"

Tommy shook his head "No."

"Damn." Tristan muttered and looked around "How did we end up here?"

Tommy laughed, "I don't know, man. You tell me."

Tristan rubbed his nose and grimaced, "I think you broke my nose," Then it occurred to him, "Oh yeah, didn't we come here for ice or some shit?"

Tommy shrugged and dropped some bills on the bar, not bothering to count them and stared at the picture of Jude lying face-up next to drink "See her?" He asked and shoved out his pointer finger like he was preaching an important fact "I'm...I'm gonna marry her."

"Cool." Tristan seemed to approve "...Are you gonna share?"

Tommy locked his touch screen and shoved his phone into his pocket "Nope."

"Hey!" Tristan exclaimed a moment later "I heard you fucked up Mike, that true?"

Tommy wiped some spilled whiskey from his mouth and nodded "He had it coming."

Tristan's lips stretched into a wide, lopsided smile; he never liked Tommy's friends "Bravo."

Tommy smirked "You taught me everything I know."


	36. Chapter 36

_Tommy woke early with Jude tucked in the lock of his arms under her heavy winter comforter. The light glowing from the window suggested the time was about 6:30am. He glanced at the clock over his shoulder and proved his suspicion. Jude would be gone in less than three hours. The thought had his arms curling even tighter around her. The green glow of the alarm clock dimed as the sunlight grew brighter and Tommy slipped just along the barrier of sleep until it began casting stripes across the bedroom._

_Tommy's fingers mindlessly ran along the bare skin of Jude's stomach, down to her abdomen and back up to her collar bone, his head merged in deep thoughts. The previous day with Jude was nearly perfect - it was like they'd taken a time machine back to the first few weeks of their relationship, when it was untouched by the grief they harbored now. He sighed softly into her hair, and breathed in the scent of her lavender shampoo. Despite what he's made her think, Tommy never stopped loving Jude. His hand wrapped around hers under the blanket and his thumb stroked the finger where her ring should be. He wished she had it, wished he could once again call her his forever, but he's gone and made everything complicated again. _

_With another check of the time, Tommy kissed Jude's forehead and quietly crawled out of bed. As he sloppily pulled on his clothes, he formulated a plan of how to make things right again. The only thing in the way of their relationship was him, and as hard as it would be, it's a problem that could be fixed. But if taking off was the only solution he wouldn't leave Jude in the dark again. As much as he would miss her, maybe a little time apart would be good for them. Only, he didn't want Jude to use that time to decide she didn't want to try again. He needed her to know that without a doubt, things would be different, and that there would never be a repeat of the hell that occurred in New Brunswick. And he wanted to tell her that there will never be anyone other than her. As all this flooded his mind, he scribbled them on a Starbucks napkin._

_Tommy skidded to a stop in front of his building and jogged up to his apartment. Over five minutes passed while he dug through the suitcase he hasn't bothered to properly unpack, that still laid in the middle of the living room, looking for Jude's ring. Once he found it, he sought out some paper and a pen and copied the things he'd written in the car. On a separate sheet, he wrote out some confessions that he didn't have the time - or balls - to say to her face. She'd be pissed, but what choice did he have? If this was going to be a true fresh start, Jude had to know everything. No more of this keeping secrets shit. Fully honest, all the way. He sealed the letter into a plain white envelope, along with her ring. _

_As he crossed the living room, he noticed the wreck his apartment's in - he hasn't had the will power to clean since he got back. He'll need to, though, and re-pack...good thing he didn't plan on working today._

A couple years back, when Sadie and Jude were fighting, Sadie had once said that when it comes to Tommy, Jude's like a pathetic lost puppy chasing a bone. Jude wanted to scream something horrible back to her, but nothing came to mind. Truth is that she _felt_ like a lost puppy chasing a bone back then. And now that she's thought about it, that's how she's always felt when it came to Tommy. Constantly chasing after something she couldn't quite get a grasp on, but couldn't help but running after it.

Jude sighed, idly rolling her ring from one corner of her envelope to the other as she lay on the bed of her room on the tour bus. There was a few creases in it from being constantly folded and unfolded, showing just how much she's debated this moment; finally reading the letter. In all honesty, she wanted to read it because she missed Tommy, and he said she shouldn't call unless she read it, but was worried about how worried Tommy sounded about it. If this letter could potentially end their relationship for good, she didn't want her last talk with Tommy to be their last. She wanted her last thought of Tommy to be good before it all went downhill. Or maybe she's just over analyzing...

.

Jude blew out a deep breath through her lips and pulled out her cell phone. _Screw it_ She thought, but his phone went straight to voicemail. "Hey," She said when it beeped "It's me...I've been thinking about you, and I miss you a lot so please call when you get this. Love you, bye." Jude ended the call and held up the envelope again, this was the perfect time - she was the furthest away from him as possible. The last show had been in Vancouver, and they were currently driving along the very edge of the country, headed north toward Juneau; and from there, they'd fly back home for Christmas, and pick up the tour again in January. Would Tommy be home by then? Jude flinched away from that tempting thought. She couldn't think like that. Right now she had to remain objective, and read the letter.

After a few calming breaths, Jude sat up and ripped the letter open. As she pulled out the letter, her ring dropped to her lap. The sight of it brought back a lot of memories; hardly any were good. She set the ring aside and unfolded the two sheets of notebook paper; On top both sheets were _Dear Jude_., like they were two separate letters. Nothing marked which should be read first so, she just went with the one on top:

_Dear Jude,_

Jude took a deep breath, like one a diver would take before hitting the water and continued,

_First and foremost, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and I would never intentionally hurt you. I honestly can't explain to you why I've done what I did, and there's absolutely no excuse for it. I know you deserve much more, but all I have to offer you is an apology, and I don't expect you to accept it. _

_With all that's happened, you've somehow managed to come out of it standing - I have endless respect for you. You've always been strong, and I regret forcing you to exercise that strength. You're the only one in my whole life who has truly seen me at my worst, and don't hate me for it - at least, I hope you don't hate me. And if you do, I'm sure I'll hate myself enough for the both of us. Nothing that happened was your fault. Nothing. Not my temper, not the things my mother did, and especially not the baby. If anything the miscarriage was my fault, and please don't argue me on that. _

_As much as I want us to just move on and forget the whole thing, I know we can't, far too much has happened, and I don't want to forget our baby. But what I'm asking is a chance to try again. I swear that it'll be different this time, I'm not sure how, but I know it will be. I know in time I can be the man you deserve. That being said, I'd like to let you know that I'm leaving Toronto for a while, while you're on tour. I need time on my own to figure myself out. I'm not sure where I'll be going or how long I'll be there, but I'll never be out of touch. Just please don't give up on me yet, Jude. If you could find in your heart, please give me another chance. _

_But...I know the pain you're in. So if you can't, I'll understand. _

_I'll always be waiting, though. You're the only one for me, I honestly can't imagine a life without you. I need you, more than you know, and more than you need me. _

_If you're willing to give us another chance, when you're done with your tour, come meet me where ever I am, and we'll go where ever you want. Maybe we can finally make it to Thailand, or we can spend some time living in an apartment in New York, like you've always wanted. Whatever. As long as I'm with you, I don't care where we are. _

_I love you with all my heart, and my last request is that you please think this though before deciding._

_-Tommy_

Jude's eyes squeezed shut, and a few tears trailed down her face. Her first instinct was to call him, and tell him yes, that she did want to try again, and that she loved and needed him just as much as he did. She wanted to be in his arms, lying on a beach in Thailand, talking about their future together. Jude held her head in her hands and stared down at the second letter Tommy wrote and began to think that maybe she read the wrong one first.

She forced down the lump in her throat and wiped her tears with the back of her arm. With bated breath and shaky hands, she brought second letter into her blurry view. She read the first few sentences mindlessly, not able to make sense of them. Her watery eyes shifted to the ring on the mattress next to her. She slipped it on her finger and just stared at it for a while.

Jude almost didn't want to read whatever bad news is in the second letter. She didn't want to know any new secrets that he's kept from her, it would be too much. She considered what harm it would cause to just not read it, and say she did. But what if he kept something huge from her? She couldn't live with not knowing, and maybe lying to Tommy wouldn't be a good habit to start right now.

Still crying a little, Jude tried to read the letter again; silently mouthing the words to keep her focused.

_Dear Jude,_

_Maybe it's a little stupid to write you twice, but if you end up throwing this one out - I really want you to keep the other, as a reminder._

_For starters, I lied when I said I didn't know who my father was. Truth is, I lived with my dad for about five years, and he was horrible. He was a violent drunk. I watched him hurt my mother almost every day, watched him explode over the smallest things. And when I lost my temper with you, I felt like my father. And after that, when I treated you so coldly on the phone, I realized that's who I was turning in to. I was scared I might hurt you again, scared that you'd be resorted to walking on eggshells like I had to around my dad. That's the real reason I made you leave. I know it was shit timing, and I shouldn't have done it, but that's why I did._

_I also lied when I told you that all I did back in New Brunswick was weed - I did coke too. I was actually a little fucked up on it the day you came out, but I didn't do any while you were with me. I did get high a couple times, though - on weed, and I stopped that too, but not for a while. Actually, a few of the fights we had early on were triggered by me being high_

Jude's eyebrows gathered over her eyes, and her cold fingers dropped the letter to her lap as she thought back to the first month with Tommy in New Brunswick. She couldn't remember ever suspecting he was high; there were a few times she thought he was drunk, but maybe that was the drugs. _And what did he mean 'The fights we had'?_ Jude thought, her fists clenching _Has be broadened the definition of 'we' to mean, him throwing a fit, and me taking it?._ Jude's head slowly shook back and forth, trying to blend all this new information with everything that happened. If Tommy was high when he'd had his first few fits, that meant that his whole 'I was trapped in the past' bullshit wasn't true - and if he really did stop, then how does he explain the other times he's been an ass to her? And why lie? Why not just tell her he was smoking weed, and that his dad was an abusive dick?

Jude groaned with a disorienting confusion. The last few times they talked, Tommy seemed so honest, so sincere…how had Jude missed his lying? She sucked in a deep breath rested her head in her hands.

_Maybe it was both,_ Jude rationalized after five long minutes of unclogging her mind He mentioned the drugs when he said he was sucked in to the past, so even though he wasn't honest about not smoking, or doing the 'harder drugs', that could still be true. Seven deep breaths later, Jude was back to being pissed. Why had he been stupid enough to be high around her? Shouldn't he know that when he's fucked up like that his actions are unpredictable? With a huff, she ripped the ring from her finger and threw it toward the door.

Jude frowned at the floor, she expected new tears to come to her eyes but they ran dry. Was that even possible? Was she actually _beyond_ crying? She brushed it off and thought about Tommy's dad...there was really no reason to lie about that. He could've said that his dad was abusive and dropped it; Jude wouldn't have pressed it or judged him for it. And now that she knew...she kind of - in a very tiny way - understood what Tommy meant. If he saw his dad hit his mom, he must have had flashbacks when it came to their fight. But on the other hand, since he's been exposed to that, why had he let it go so far?

"Temper, temper" Jude murmured under her breath. Both his parents have issues, double whammy. She kind of saw how Tommy could see himself as destructive - he's the off spring of two temper sensitive, violent people - but that isn't his fault. A long, quiet sigh came through Jude's lips as she resumed reading the letter; might as well have all the information before getting working up.

_And I'm sure I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not blaming the drugs, though, or using it as an excuse. What I did was my fault. Period. _

_I know you're probably wondering why I lied, and the honest truth is that I don't know. It's a reflex, I guess. With you, I always try, but I slip up sometimes and I'm sorry for that. And I'm pretty sure that's all behind me, because there isn't anything left you don't know - You are the only one who knows everything about me, and there isn't anyone I trust more. I swear to you that the lies are over. I'm done being that guy, I want us to have the open relationship we had before my family drama got involved. I'm honestly not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I want you with me. And I know I'm being selfish, and that I'm asking a lot, but just consider it. Please. _

_I love you _

_-Tommy _

Jude inhaled a deep breath though her nose, and caught the faint scent of Tommy's cologne that clung loosely to the hoodie she had on. It wasn't like Tommy hadn't promised not to lie before or that this is the first time he's said she knows everything, but she didn't doubt him either. Believe it or not, Jude trusted everything he said in both letters. That didn't fix much, though. He still lied, he still treated her like shit for two months, and made her travel while having a miscarriage of his baby. Even though she's forgiven him, it doesn't mean it stopped hurting.

The last few months, she's been bouncing back and forth between whether Tommy's at fault or not, and she still didn't have a solid answer; She didn't believe Tommy did what he did intentionally, but he still could have stopped himself, if he tried. And that's what she'll have to leave it as: It isn't Tommy's fault, but it is. It was a slippery surface, but one Jude could live with. Let bygones be bygones.

Jude retrieved her ring from the floor and stuffed it, and the letters back in the envelope. Once she had it stashed safely under the mattress, her phone rang: Tommy calling. "Impeccable timing." Jude muttered, staring at her phone. She waited until he left a voicemail to turn it off, she couldn't talk to him now. The sound of his voice might scramble up her decision making. She did love Tommy still, even after what she's read - and that wasn't as bad as she'd worried it would be. When compared to other things he's kept from her, these were lower on the list of importance. The thought of running off with Tommy was tempting, but that wasn't anything new. She might always want him, no matter what.

There was that feeling again - the one of feeling like a lost puppy, hopefully following a stranger home with the hope of a warm place to sleep. Once Jude really thought about it, she felt sort of ridiculous. Her time in New Brunswick had been spent taking anything Tommy would give, like a dog begging for scraps. Her love for him kept her yearning after him, no matter what. In retrospect, it seemed so pathetic; after all he did, she still did anything he asked, no matter the volume of the request. She still had sex with him, comforted him. Anything. And now he was asking her to chase after him again? It was his turn to do some running, Jude decided grumpily, he needed to fight for once and prove that she was what he really wanted.

About an hour of debating later, Jude pulled out her journal and ripped out an empty page. She stared at it for a while, trying to word what she's thinking just right. Eventually, she ended up writing a single sentence across the center of the paper, with nothing surrounding it. It was time Tommy started fighting too.


	37. Chapter 37

"That from your girl?" Tristan asked Tommy over his shoulder as he flipped through the mail. Tommy discarded a bunch of flyers and ads from local venders in the trash can perched on the curb in front of his old home. A group of workers dressed in dirty orange shirts passed, laughing loudly, cradling yellow hard hats under their arms. Tristan decided to fix up the place after all - and as it turns out, the fire damage wasn't as horrific as it looked; all that the place really needed was some cosmetic repair; new floors, kitchen etc.

Tommy had planned on leaving days ago after his attempts at trying to get Tristan to leave their mom in a home went unheard, but Jude sent him a text asking him to stay put until he got her letter, and has since refused to talk to him at all. He kept his hopes high, considering that maybe Jude's letter would be something more than a 'Fuck You' scrawled across a piece of paper in permanent marker, not that he deserved much more than that. "No." He answered Tristan, handing him a stack of envelopes with his name on them.

"Bills." Tristan muttered under his breath and sent them to the same fate of the flyers Tommy had tossed a minute ago. "I'll get to those later."

Tommy wanted to roll his eyes - his brother was always a procrastinator, he probably won't even think twice about those bills until they come in red, final notice sleeves. "Do you need help with any of that?" Tommy asked as they headed up the driveway, nudging his chin toward the garbage can

"Nah, I'm straight. But thanks, man."

The house's interior was no longer piles of ash and grime, it's been completely gutted and was currently in the process of getting a new hard wood floor. An array of metal pipes and gruesome-looking holes in the wall stood in place of where the appliances used to be - Tommy offered to pay for the best kitchen possible, but Tristan refused, asking only for the bare minimum, and paying for half. "Was that today's mail?" Tommy asked

Tristan shrugged and slung a backpack over his shoulder, "Probably not - it's early. What are you waiting on, anyway?"

"A letter, I think." Tommy answered with quiet uncertainty. After all - he could be waiting for a box full of his things, packed and sent by Sadie with some kind of snide remark written inside.

Tristan and Tommy piled in his pickup truck and headed back for the hotel. They stopped at the house every day to check on the progress of the renovation and - on Tommy's part - check the mail. But they'd missed yesterday because Tristan wanted to visit their mom, and Tommy didn't, and that led to another argument. As much as Tommy sometimes loved his brother, he wanted to be away from all this shit. Tristan twisted the dial on the radio and filled the car with a rock song from the 80s that made Tommy cringe "You know, that girl of yours-"

"_Jude_." Tommy corrected with a swift sideways glare

"Jude" Tristan started sarcastically "Is she really worth the hell you're putting yourself through? I know she's hot and everything, but there's plenty of bitches out there."

"She's worth it." Tommy answered curtly. Tristan didn't know half of the real turmoil going on inside his head. And it was only worsening by the day. This town brought up so many bad memories and old temptations. It would be all too easy to give up his life and live in a world of denial, strung out on whatever drug happened to come his way. It seemed ideal at times but his better half knew better; if he gave up now, he would never have a chance at a normal life, and would sure as hell lose any chance he had with Jude.

Jude was usually the thought that put the final nail in the coffin of whatever bad idea his mind had conjured up. And Tristan was often the instigator; like last night when they'd gone to the bar, Tristan had brought a baggie of coke with him, and offered Tommy a couple lines. It took a lot of deliberation but Tommy ended up saying no - coke addiction wasn't a problem he wanted to add to his already expanding list.

Tristan placed a Newport between his lips and dug a lighter from his pocket, "She must have you hooked." He laughed "I can't blame you though. I mean if I could get my hands on young pussy like that - it'd lock it down."

"Not everything's about sex." Tommy snapped

Tristan smirked and blew smoke from the corner of his mouth, "But it is nice, isn't it?"

Tommy groaned quietly under his breath and smiled "Oh yeah."

"Thought so." Tristan chuckled and tapped the ashes off the end of his cigarette "So, what are you doing, exactly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Tristan shrugged, "You came all the way back here, and for what? To find yourself?" He laughed sarcastically

"I don't know." Tommy admitted. Tristan raised his eyebrows expectedly, and Tommy continued, "My relationship with Jude is complicated - it always has been, and that's mostly my fault. I'm so fucked up that I let it affect how I am with her, and how I see things with us." He paused and went on quietly, "I'm just trying to figure out how to fix that."

Tristan snorted, "Fucked up about what? The shit that went down here happened fifteen years ago, and you're still thinking about it?"

"How could I not?" Tommy countered "Aren't you just a little affected by it?"

"No." Tristan answered firmly, a light laugh in his voice "The past is the past - You have to let it go eventually."

"It not just here," Tommy said quietly "It's other stuff too. You know about Angie - I pretty much killed her."

"You didn't kill her." Tristan said, "A tree did."

Tommy sighed. Tristan just didn't understand.

llllllllllllllllllllll

Jude hooked the heel of her knee-high boots the the bottom of her stool and began nervously bouncing her leg. This was the last interview before heading home, and she was anxious to get it over with. The tour bus has been cleaned out and it was on it's way back home, while Jude and SME had their luggage held up in a hotel near the airport. After this interview, there was a small show in a local club than they were off to catch their plane.

A woman with a pin-straight pony tail powdered Jude's face while another woman pulled a straightener through her hair. "Beautiful work on these extensions," The woman said, running her fingers through Jude's hair, and placing another lock between the irons of her professional-looking straightener "Where'd you get them done?"

"Back in Toronto." Jude answered, feeling like she's answered that exact questions thousands of times, when really this was the first person to ask.

The woman nodded and let the subject drop as she ran a cream through Jude's bangs and coaxed them sideways in her signature swoop. She than smeared a light pink gloss over her lips with a small black brush "Close your eyes for me." The second woman said. Jude did as instructed and allowed her to pencil on eyeliner. The clacking of heels sounded and faded away, Jude assumed one of the girls left. The woman applying her eyeliner took a step closer, and Jude got a better smell of her Channel No. 5 perfume. She knew the scent very well - it's the same one Sadie wore before she switched to Clinique.

"Alrighty," The woman murmured "You're all ready." She offered a wide friendly smile that had Jude smiling back "Good luck, hun."

"Thank you." Jude said sincerely and watched as the woman disappeared behind a doorway that had a large sign with the word 'Live' printed across it. Around Jude were three cameras, pointing at her from every angle, and one behind her that would catch the interviewer; all were accompanied by camera men who were either adjusting the lens or connecting wires to expensive technical equipment. She watched the one in front of her work while she fixed the hem of her tank top so it rested just right on her lap. Today's outfit consisted of navy blue skinny jeans, a white poofy tank top and black mid-drift vest secured over it. The leather of her boots, layered over the thick denim of her jeans was making her legs sweat in the heated interview room. She always tried to avoid live interviews - they held so much pressure – but this one was necessary, according to Darius.

Jude hadn't heard from Tommy at all since she rejected his phone call a couple days ago. It might be childish to be avoiding him like this, but all ties had to be cut until he made his final decision. Although he's asked to run away with her or whatever, he was still indulged in his 'find himself' journey and what if whatever he ends up finding leads him away from her? She occasionally regretted being cryptic in her letter to Tommy, and worried he might not get it. He asked her to meet him, and she gave a counter offer. Simple. But Tommy has a way of making things complicated.

As she waited for the host to grace her presence, Jude's eyes drifted to the ring settled on her right ring finger; the one Tommy gave her. She put it on while cleaning out the bus yesterday to make sure she didn't lose it, but hasn't been able to take it off. There was something about how it fit just right around her finger, and how even in dull light, it sparkled with a very slight blue undertone. It was something she would've picked out herself.

"Jude! Hello! It's so nice to meet you." Jude jumped at the sudden intrusion, and turned to see a tall, thin woman coming at her with a huge smile framed by a mass of wild red curls. Judging by the lines beginning to form around her mouth and eyes, Jude guessed her age at about thirty. "I'm Diana."

Jude shook Diana's polished fingers and forced a smile, "Nice too meet you."

Diana took a seat on the stool across from Jude and a man wearing a head set scurried in the circle of cameras to hand her a stack of index cards. "How are you today?"

"Wonderful, thank you." Jude answered with as much bubbly-ness she could manage, "And yourself?"

Diana seemed easily lured in to Jude's fake enthusiasm and answered just as energetically, "Very well thank you." Jude waited while Diana got her stage make up on and made sure she had the names of her clothes and shoes right. When the tour first started, she'd resorted to thinks like writing the names on her hand (How they're pronounced, not spelled) and having Kyle randomly drill her on it. She only got it wrong once, but it wasn't a live interview and the man conducting the round of questions didn't seem to notice.

A quiet wurring noise suddenly filled the room, and the cameras' red lights glowed to life. At the sight of them, Jude's posture straightened and she plastered a smile across her face. The sign over the door began blinking, "Hello and good morning!" Diana spoke to the camera peering over Jude's shoulder "I'm sitting here with Jude Harrison talking about life, love, and her new album." Diana shifted her gaze to Jude and adjusted her shoulders, "So, Jude, How crazy has the last six weeks been?"

"Pretty crazy." Jude breathed out a fake laugh under her breath and glanced at the camera to her right. It was too close to be comfortable and its beady lens started menacingly at her. Through the bright lights accompanying the cameras, she noticed the vague outline of man wearing a headset, staring directly at her. Producer, maybe? Her nerves jumbled into knots and she nervously crossed, and uncrossed her legs. "Touring is really a growing experience for an artist," She went on with a faux confidence "And it's such a great opportunity to get in touch with the fans."

"Mmhm" Diana nodded and leaned forward slightly, like her and Jude were best friends sharing a secret "Tell me, Jude how do you handle it all? It must be stressful being out on the road and trying to keep a personal life."

Jude nodded her head shakily, though she's sure she's answered this question a bunch of times, she couldn't remember what her usual answer was "It's definitely a challenge, but it's all about keeping a balance."

"But how do you do it?" Diana insisted "I've seen your tour dates and you're in a new city nearly every day." She sighed tiredly and her mouth fell open in a ridiculous-looking animated expression of exhaustion.

Jude kept her smile in place, having no idea how this woman was a certified anchor - she was horrible compared to the professionals she's used to "Well, touring is just as exciting as it is challenging - I get to see so many different places and connect with people who are just as passionate about music as I am, and that keeps me going."

Diana tossed out a few more questions, and over-enthusiastically nodded during every answer, the huge toothy grin never leaving her face. Jude was tempted to say something really stupid, just to see if her reaction changes, but decided not to make an idiot of herself. Jude casually slipped the name of her boots in a sentence and managed to sneak in a plug for the next leg of her tour before Diana pulled out a new stack of cards, "Alright well," Diana started "We have some questions for you sent in by the fans."

"Oh, awesome." Jude adjusted her posture again, her face brightened some; fan questions were usually silly and easy to answer. Like last week, she'd been interviewed by a blogger who asked nothing but fan questions that came in through Twitter. And they were simple things like 'What's your favorite outfit?' and 'Did you have a crush on Tommy back when he was in Boyzattak?' Jude smirked and answered with a firm "Not at all." and hoped Tommy would somehow see it.

"First question from Judy C. in New York City, New york: Jude, When are you going to start touring in the States?"

Easy. "Nothing is for sure yet, but it looks like I might be doing a USA tour this Fall." It was a lie, of course, but it's the answer Darius told her to give, saying it looked best to look busy. And who knows? Maybe she will tour the States this year, or maybe a world tour? If Darius says it's possible, then it must true.

"Next question from Cathy R. in Quebec: What's the easiest and hardest part of being famous?" Diana seemed impressed by the question and leaned forward for Jude's answer

"Hmm." Jude pursed her lips, this was a new question. She felt the red lights on her and stumbled for a quick answer "Um, well, I would say sharing my music can be considered both easy and hard; on one hand I'm thrilled because I love sharing new songs with my fans, but on the other, there's always that fear of them not liking it, or not having clearly stated what I'm trying to get across."

"Mhm mhm." Diana did that nodding thing again and returned her eyes to the card in her hands "Next question: Riley H. from Moose Jaw asks, 'What are your top two pet peeves?'"

Jude frowned at the city name, and hadn't heard much after it. Why did Tommy pop in her head at the worst times? The first time she was on tour, she and Tommy talked a few times on the phone, and every conversation had her wanting to run home as soon as possible. This tour, however, left her nervous about returning home, constantly wondering what they'd say to each other, and where they were exactly in their relationship - it was exhausting. "Pet peeve," Jude muttered, trying to bring her mind back to the interview and away from Tommy. "Mine are kind of ridiculous, but I, uh, I hate repeating myself." She flashed an easy smile, "And I hate it when a can of soda feels cold, but the soda is warm."

Diana chuckled loudly, "Me too!" She gushed and reached down to scratch her ankle while reading, "From Hannah J. in Vancouver, Jude, how did you get the scar on your face? I noticed it at your Vancouver concert."

Jude's face paled, and she nervously twisted the bracelet dangling from her wrist. This was a question she answered once before for a magazine, and the question had been so out of the blue that she stuttered up a quick excuse for it and casually changed the subject. But now she couldn't remember the answer she gave the reporter, or even any of the carefully thought out replies she had for this exact question. "Uh," She muttered, trying to keep her face smooth, "Wow," She forced a laugh "The things people notice." Her mind spun for a response, and her mouth began sputtering whatever rational thought surfaced, "I, uh, it's no big deal, I was just messing around with my band and one of my guitarist's rings got me." Another forced laugh burst from her lips "The down side of sharing a bus with three guys."

For the first time, Diana didn't seem enthralled by Jude's answer; she seemed skeptical, actually. Diana's large lips shoved together as she paused, then spoke in a serious tone, "I thought you got that from falling...?"

Now she chooses to be a serious reporter? Jude demanded with a light furrow of her brow "What?" She asked politely, trying to gain some time "In an interview you did a couple weeks ago, you said you got that scar from falling - which is it?" Diana suddenly had the look and demanding posture of a complete bitch. Her brow twitched and her mouth became a knowing smile that pretty much screamed 'Gotcha!'

The big sign to her left hovered in Jude's peripheral vision, reminding her that a million people were watching her stutter on live television. How had such a horribly corny interview turned bad so quickly? She tried to render up her acting skill and continued a little shakily "I did fall - my band and I were playing around, we fell and I…landed on my guitarist's ring."

Diana shook her head and sighed quietly, "It'll just remain a mystery I guess." Her bitchy sneer melted into a wide smile directed at the camera behind Jude "That's all we have time for today. Thank you so much for joining us, Jude."

Jude managed a smile, "Not a problem."

The producer yelled something Jude couldn't make sense of and the red lights on the cameras flicked off. "Thanks for that." Diana said, her bitchy-self back again "You just put a spike in my ratings."

Jude blinked, unable to fully process what she meant, "What? You did that to mess with me?"

Diana rolled her eyes, "We all know Tommy Quicny has a violent side, and we all know where you really got that scar from. Your trying to cover it up is only adding fuel to the fire."

Jude's face scrunched with anger, "What do you mean we? What the hell do you know about Tommy - or anything for that matter?"

Diana clicked her tongue and patted Jude's shoulder in a patronizing manner, "It's just business, honey. And just think - I get more ratings, and you just got a little more famous. We all win."

"No, you win." Jude sneered "Being seen as the poor abused girlfriend is not how I want to be known."

"So you admit there's abuse." Diana smirked and stood from her stool - her curls falling over her shoulders "I thought so."

"No!" Jude said, thoroughly offended "There is no abuse. Tommy and I are doing great."

"Really?" Diana chuckled "Miracles really do happen, I guess." She sized up Jude with her eyes and cocked an eyebrow "How you got him - I'll never know."

Jude opened her mouth to respond, but Diana had swept from the room. She sat still for a moment, collecting her emotions and trying to figure out how to do damage control if needed. Eventually her numb body stood and made her way out of the building.


	38. Chapter 38

"Awesome show, dude!" Wally exclaimed to Kyle as they stepped off the stage

Kyle nodded, "Nothing like a great show to end the year. Right, Jude?"

Jude blinked from her clouded mind, pulling a bottle of water from an icy cooler backstage "Yeah." She agreed half-heartedly, forcing her lips up at the corners. After her interview this morning, Jude was clamored with people wanting to discuss 'The truth about the abuse' in exclusive interviews and conferences. She eventually just turned her phone off. This whole thing was ridiculous. Sure, she lied about how she'd gotten the scar, but there honestly wasn't any abuse to speak of - not of the physical type anyway. And even Tommy's mood swings could be taken as him being a jackass, not necessarily mental abuse.

Jude stopped mid-step when Kyle shoved a short glass toward her, "How about a real drink tonight?" he asked over the music being played by the band booked after them.

Jude shook her head, pushing his hand away "I don't really-"

"Tonight you do," Kyle interrupted, "C'mon you've been moping around all tour, let's have fun tonight."

Jude's eye brows knitted. Moping around? How could he think that? She's been doing an excellent job of keeping a poker face when needed, and she actually was having fun most of the time. Kyle handed her the drink again, and walked away with a smirk. Jude sniffed at the rim of her glass; Rum Coke, it smelled like. She weaved through the crowded area by the stage and to a secluded booth where the rest of SME was sitting.

"Tell Karma I said hi." Jude said as she slid in next to Speid

"Yeah, that's Jude." Speid said into his cell, "She says hi."

Jude's taken to, at the very least, being civil with Karma; from what Speid's told her, she's been going through a rough time and Jude sympathized with her. Nothing hard was made easier by dealing with it alone - Jude's come to know that all too well. She idly sipped at her drink while Speid talked. He kept his head on his hand and sighed a lot, obviously stressed and itching to get home.

Jude was excited to get home - back to familiarity and Sadie. But there was one tiny factor that had her nervous: Whether or not Tommy would be there. Would he come back for her instead of waiting to see if she shows up where ever he is? Tommy hasn't tried to call since last night, and she still hasn't listened to the message he left. She felt dizzy with all the back and forth she's been having on the matter. Tommy, or no Tommy - that truly was the question.

When she reached the bottom of her glass, Jude ventured off for another drink, and downed that one as well. Deep down, she knew getting wasted wasn't how to rid her problems, but with every drink, her issues just got smaller and smaller. By the time she got back to Speid she was already beginning to slur her speech. Speid smirked, tilting the phone away from his mouth, "Guess this means I'm the sober driver tonight?"

"Yup." Jude mumbled, staring down at the table

Speid chuckled and patted her hand across the table "Don't get too wasted though, okay? We have a flight to catch."

Jude nodded, not really paying attention, and waited until Speid returned to his conversation with Karma to down another shot. Maybe Tommy's way of escaping his problems wasn't such a bad idea after all. Jude made her way back to the bar and took one of the few available stools - having become bored with Speid's conversation.

"Can I buy you a drink, gorgeous?" A deep voice asked from next to her. Jude turned to find a man with brown hair that dropped to his chin and stunning dark brown eyes. She lightly cleared her throat and shook her head, "No thanks."

"No?" The man asked, surprised "You sure? Don't tell me you have a boyfriend creeping around here somewhere."

"Sorry." Jude shrugged

"Care to point him out?" He countered "My niece would just love an autograph from Boyzattack's finest."

Jude scowled at his mocking tone of voice and slid from her bar stool.

"Don't be like that, baby." He called after her "Why not trade in the go-cart and take a ride in limo?"

Jude rolled her eyes at him over her shoulder and went to the other side of the bar, ordering a shot of vodka. A short while later, another guy approached her; this one had on a light blue button-up shirt tucked in to a pair of black slacks. "Whatever the lady's having." He ordered before asking "Jude Harrison, right?"

Jude squeezed her eyes shut, trying to clear her mind "Yeah." She answered

He glanced over at the band on stage and grimaced "You were way better - what are you doing at a dive like this?"

Jude sat up a little straighter and offered a lazy smile, "Me and my band played here years ago."

The man nodded in understanding, "Back for old times' sake?"

"Something like that."

"Richard." He introduced himself, holding out a hand

Jude shook his hand, feeling awkward, and forced her voice to come out as clearly as possible, "Nice to meet you."

The bar tender set down Richard's drink and gathered Jude's empty glasses, "Another?" he asked

"No, thanks." Jude blinked and craned her neck, looking for Kyle or Wally

"I didn't take you for a sissy drink kind of girl." Richard smiled, "Guess I was right." He downed the shot and swallowed harshly against the alcohol

Jude touched her feet to the ground, testing her balance before standing fully "I have to get back to my band." She explained

"Why don't you come sit with me and my friends for a while?" Richard offered eagerly and pointed toward a crowded round table rested right in the center of the club

"Umm." Jude hesitated; she's learned her lesson when it came to strangers in bars and wasn't about to make the same mistake a third time "I can't. Sorry."

"Only for a minute," He insisted "Your friends won't miss you for a minute, will they?"

Jude eyed the large table again, and spotted just who she was looking for; Kyle. He was sitting at the table Richard wanted her join "Sure." She agreed, and walked away, making it clear that she wasn't going for his benefit. Jude pulled up a chair next to Kyle and greeted the others with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. "Isn't this better than sulking in a hotel room?" Kyle asked

A guy across the table shot her a wink, while another one handed her an unopened bottle of beer. Jude smiled, "Yeah - way better."

From there, the rest of the night swept by in a blur of drinking and laughing with new friends. Jude stopped the drinking early, though, and was mostly clear headed by the time they left the club. In less than twenty four hours, she would be home...and for the first time, Jude didn't care.


	39. Chapter 39

Without Tristan around, Tommy's mind functioned much more rationally. He'd spent a good majority of the day in a bar, getting wasted and playing pool - than drove home. Mostly Tristan's idea. But now that he was nursing a hang over, and glaring at the ticket stuck to the windshield of his pickup truck for the poor, crooked parking job he'd done, he realized how stupid it was. He could've very well crashed and killed them both, or even someone else.

Tommy wasn't exactly sure what it was that had his common sense out of wack; maybe the surroundings or the nearly constant alcohol consumption, or his brother randomly coming up with things to do when the day got slow. Whatever it was, it needed to end. Now.

He groaned and massaged the space between his eyebrows in an attempt to ease the pain throbbing there and headed back inside his hotel room. Apparently Tristan hasn't woken from whatever drunken state he'd passed out in. Tommy pounded on his door again as he passed it, anxious to get to the house and check the mail. His own room was only a few doors down, and the door was left ajar as he went to adjust his sloppy parking job.

Oddly, the paparazzi has been scarce since the press conference. Tommy wanted to believe it was because they believed the story he and Jude fed them, but it just seemed too easy. So unless they were doing an impressive job of being undercover, Tommy hasn't seen any. Taking a seat on the bed, Tommy brought the laptop he bought in a local electronics store on to his lap and powered it on. With all the spare time provided by the small town's early closing hours, he figured it was time to find something to occupy time other than the three channels on the motel's television. The last time he used his own laptop was at Jude's house, and he's pretty sure he knew exactly where it was in her room. But he hadn't thought of that in his haste to leave town - not that Sadie would've let him leave without an interrogation anyhow.

He doddled in few things - checking email and fan mail; It seems Darius has exhausted all options, and has resorted to emailing. Tommy chuckled lightly at Darius' attempt to be just as threatening in black and white as he is person. No exclamation points, but lots of periods and large words that Tommy used an online dictionary to look up. Eventually he ended up on Youtube from a link Kwest sent him for Speid's new music video - he really didn't care too much about it until he realized it must be a video taken on tour, and that meant Jude might make an appearance.

Speid's video, however, wasn't a tour montage, just a video of him recording in a studio with some artsy camera angles. Tommy sighed and typed Jude Harrison in the search engine. Thousands of video results erupted, including clips from a paparazzi profile. He clicked on one and Jude's face flashed on screen, "Hey Jude!" A ruffled voice called from behind the camera, Jude offered a smile and continued her way down the path of a hotel's entrance, toward her tour bus "How are you this morning?"

"Good." Jude answered through a tight grin, glancing back at SME, who'd just emerged from the hotel. She tried the door of the bus, and groaned

"Locked out?" Someone asked with a laugh

"No keys, huh?" Another one said

Several flashes reflected off Jude's sunglasses as she waited for the driver. From the one camera recording, it was obvious she was completely mobbed with paparazzi. She held strong and didn't say much. Tommy smiled and clicked on another video, this one posted from a magazine site labeled _What's on Jude's iPod? _A much more glammed up Jude came in to place now, sitting in front of a busy looking photo shoot with SME. "On my iPod," She murmured than took a second to think "Always have The Beatles, and Patty Smyth. Nirvana - A must. Uh, a little Aerosmith...The Killers - Just a lot of good music."

"Any Boyzattack?" The interview asked

Jude laughed, "I said good music - not cheese music."

Tommy rolled his eyes at the jab, but smiled at the sound of her laugh. It almost sounded sincere, and her smile only slightly forced. That's good, Tommy reasoned, I want her to be happy.

The next few videos were short clips from interviews - Jude used a lot of the same answers, worded exactly the same, like they'd been rehearsed. She visibly flinched away from questions she wasn't prepared for and produced a quick response. She did it with charm, and anyone else probably wouldn't notice, but Tommy could tell she was on edge about certain subjects - more specifically, subjects regarding himself.

Tommy was about to log off when a still of Jude caught his eye - she was sitting cross-legged on a stool, with her eyes on her hands. With a skeptical interest, he brought the video up. After the annoying bubbly greeting, announcing he was watching an interview from The Sunny Side with Diana Colman. A close shot of Jude's face popped up, and Tommy clicked ahead to get a full body shot. Jude glanced down at her lap, and her hand began fiddling with a ring on her right ring finger. Tommy's eyes widened and he leaned forward to get a better look - it was hard to tell, but the ring looked an awful lot like the one he gave her. A wide, hopeful smile broke across his face. If she was wearing the ring, than that must mean she wanted him back, right?

"Jude, how did you get the scar on your face? I noticed it at your Vancouver concert."

Tommy watched Jude shift and glance down uncomfortably at her ring. She muttered through a response that the interviewer didn't buy and was frowning by the time the interview was over. Tommy viciously fought off the dark thoughts threatening shatter his resolve and tried to focus on that fact that Jude was wearing the ring, and for the most part seemed reasonably happy. He did hurt for her, though; she must be going through a hell of a time fighting off questions like these on her own. Part of him wished she would just come out with it so the media fire would be directed to him, not her. He was far more used to being hated by the press.

A loud pounding suddenly sounded from the door before it swung open. Tommy glared at Tristan and shut the laptop, "Something I can do for you?" He demanded, taking in his brother's messy appearance

"Nah," Tristan shook his head, "Just sayin' hi." He flashed a crooked smile "And was wondering if I can use your shower - there seems to be a female passed out in mine."

"What?"

Tristan shrugged, "Yeah, I don't even know. I think I may have invited her over."

Tommy snorted, "And just how did she end up in the shower?"

"No idea. But she's fully dressed so I'm guessing things didn't go as planned last night."

Tommy rolled his eyes with a chuckle, "The shower's all yours."

lllllllll

The drive to the house was spent in complete silence, both men suffering from their previous night of drinking. When Tommy pulled in to the driveway, he stopped and went straight for the mail box. Tristan followed, making a loud hacking noise. Tommy shot him an annoyed glance. "Oh, don't mind me," Tristan said, "It's just - I think your dog collar is so tight that I'm chocking for you."

"Shut the fuck up." Tommy scowled, "Go bother someone else."

"Touchy." Tristan remarked "Must be some leash she's got you on."

"Go away."

"Alright, alright." Tristan surrendered and leaned his elbow on the mail box as Tommy opened it and flipped through the mail. _There it is_ Tommy's eyes widened at the sight of the letter he's been waiting for and smiled at Jude's hand writing; she'd written his name Tommy DuTios, instead of Quincy - and that could mean a whole flurry of things.

He shoved his finger under the edge and ripped the envelope open in one swoop. Braced for the worst, and hoping for the best, Tommy unfolded the letter that was written on a page from Jude's journal. Tommy looked it over, than turned it, and turned it back again - there was only one sentence on the whole thing. He shook his head lightly, focusing his eyes to read in the harsh sunlight glaring off the white page:

**Tommy,**

**When you find you - come find **_**me.**_

**- Jude**

What did that mean? Were they together? Did she forgive him? Was it a good thing that she wanted him to go back to her? It must be. Or did she just want to talk in person before making any decisions? Tommy winced against the throbbing pain in his head and dropped his hand to his side.

"Problem?" Tristan asked

Tommy shrugged with hints of a scowl on his lips and headed up the driveway, "I don't know." He spat


	40. Chapter 40

By the time the plane landed in Toronto, Jude had already worked herself up into a nervous wreck and had missed the opportunity to enjoy having a private plane like the guys did. The tar mac sparkled with ice in the early sun, surrounded by little mounds of snow. Suitcase in tow, Jude followed SME across the lot and into the airport.

With so much left up in the air, and a screaming lack of communication, Jude wasn't sure who she should be expecting. Sadie, of course. Darius, maybe...but Tommy? No idea. He sent her a text message last night saying that he'd gotten her letter, but nothing accompanied that. No indication what so ever that he'd understood or that he'd be here waiting for her. Every step brought her closer to the main entrance and closer to either her worst nightmare, or her dreams come true.

"Whoa!" Kyle exclaimed in a sudden rush of excitement and pointed toward the large glass window to their right. Speid and Wally echoed Kyle's exclaim and jogged off toward the doors.

Jude was a second behind, busy emerging from her wandering thoughts, but once she caught up her mouth fell open, "Holy shit." She whispered and halted mid-step.

Just on the other side of the enormous windows looming near the parked planes was a sea of people with flashing cameras. She snapped herself out of her enthrallment and jogged after SME. Waiting for her by an illustrious looking limo, was Sadie and Darius - no one else.

Darius was busy congratulating Kyle and Wally on the first leg of their tour, while Speid was locked in a loving embrace with Karma. Once Jude came into view Sadie rushed over and pulled her into a suffocating hug. Jude returned the gesture fully, honestly and thoroughly happy to see her sister again. A large dose of familiarity is exactly what she needed right now. "I missed you so much."

"Me too!" Sadie squealed

Jude glanced over to the mod scene being secured by large baracades guarded by police officers, "What's with all this?"

"You're a superstar." Darius laughed and turned Jude toward the clicking cameras. He draped his arm around her shoulders and instructed her to smile. Jude stood still for a couple shots than ducked under Darius' arm to head for the limo. "I'll let you two catch up," Darius said, "I'll see in my office tomorrow morning." He kissed Sadie goodbye and climbed into the more conspicuous little black car parked in front of Jude's limo.

"Alright - Tell me everything." Sadie gushed as the driver pulled away from the curb

Jude smiled and brushed the bangs from her face "There's nothing to tell, Sades."

Sadie impatiently clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes, "C'mon. How was the tour? And the bus? And the shows?"

Jude cocked an eyebrow suspiciously, "Uh...fine." She examined her sister until Sadie began to fidget under her gaze "What'd you do, Sadie?"

"Nothing." Sadie said too quickly, purposely avoiding eye contact "I just have something to tell you."

Jude groaned, "How bad is it?"

"Define bad exactly."

"Out with it, Sadie."

Sadie offered a wide, begging smile, "Darius wants to go to Mont. Tremblant for the holidays."

"You're abandoning me on Christmas?" Jude asked, incredulous

Sadie grimaced apologetically, "Not all of it," She defended weakly, "We're leaving at around four."

Jude sighed and relaxed against the leather seat, too tired to argue, "Alright, whatever - As long as you

and Darius keep the PDA to a minimum when I'm around."

"Deal!" Sadie beamed and gave Jude a sideways hug

Jude grimaced, keeping her eyes toward the window, "How are you two doing, anyway?"

Sadie exhaled a smile and laid her head back against the seat, "So amazing. I know he looks like a hard ass - but he's actually a decent boyfriend."

Jude made a small noise of disgust, "No details, please."

It fell silent while Sadie deliberated the question she's been dying to ask for a while now - where's Tommy? If Tommy was gone - like seriously gone-without-a-trace kind of gone - than Jude would have been far more of wreck then she's been lately. And her being so cool about Sadie missing half of Christmas - that must mean she has plans to meet up with him somewhere. She watched Jude watch the world whirl by for another loaded minute before blurting it out, "Where's Tommy, Jude?"

Lllllllllllll

"Are you sure you want to leave so soon?" Tristan asked, watching Tommy book a flight online

Tommy nodded, "Gotta face the music sometime."

Tristan smirked, "Does that count as a word pun - being that you're a musician and all?"

Tommy confirmed his reservation and clicked on to his email, "I don't think so," He answered thoughtfully, "It's more of an ironic cliché."

Tristan leaned his seat back to dump his empty coffee cup in the trash behind him, "You ready to go yet?"

Tommy stared at his laptop's generic desk top for a long beat, trying to think of something else he had to do to fend off the inevitable - but it was really a sad display of procrastination. Today, his last day in New Brunswick for a while, he decided he should at least take Tristan's advice and try visiting their mom. Tristan says she's been doing really well with all the medication the home's got her on - and happy too. That all might fade the second she laid eyes on Tommy, though.

Tommy sighed and shut down the computer, finishing off the last of his triple-shot coffee. About half way to the home their mom's in, Tommy convinced Tristan that he needed to stop off at Starbucks because of some bogus email that needed to be sent to his boss right away, and Starbucks had WiFi. But he's stalled for a half hour now, and gone through two cups of coffee. It was now or never. "Yeah, let's go."

Tristan didn't seem all that disappointed about Tommy's leaving. Deep down Tommy know Tristan was just as sick of him as he was; bonded by blood, not similar personalities. "What are you so freaked out about anyway?" Tristan demanded, taking note of Tommy's stiff driving posture

"You don't get it." Tommy snapped, "Mom actually likes you."

"Give her a chance - I swear to you she's different."

Tommy only shrugged in response. No amount of persuasion would work on him now, he had to see it to believe it.


	41. Chapter 41

Jude waited until her and Sadie were safely home, and settled in to launch into the whole story. She promised herself a while back that she would fill Sadie in as soon as possible, deciding it wasn't right, or healthy, to keep these secrets from her anymore. And if anyone could take this all in and come up with a solution, it was Sadie. Jude started their talk off lightly with a couple antics caused by SME on tour, mulled over the stupid hard-to-pronounce names of designers she had to remember and the last interview she had. The last subject easily faded into what really happened in New Brunswick.

Jude went into excessive detail about how horrid Tommy's mother was, using words like 'crazy' and 'violent' to describe the whole thing and easily gained Sadie's sympathy for Tommy. But as Jude started getting into Tommy and what he did, Sadie didn't seem so sympathetic anymore. "He said horrible things to me." Jude continued with a quiet sniffle, suddenly not so sympathetic of Tommy either, "I didn't know he was capable of being so...mean. Not to me, anyway."

"Like what?" Sadie asked, full business face on now

Jude wiped her face with the sleeve of her black zip up hoodie. Other than her talks with Tommy, she's never said any of this out loud before. And the more she spoke, the more she questioned her own sanity. How, after all this, could she still love him? The tears started and haven't stopped - they probably won't until her and Sadie figure all this out, "He's said 'fuck you' to me, told me to 'fuck off' twice, called me a 'lazy ass' a lot...just a lot of stuff. And his mom was always there, in the middle of every argument, nagging and yelling and making everything worse. She really fueled Tommy's temper." Jude caught the look in Sadie's eyes, it was a mix of concern and anger.

Sadie had her fingers pressed to her temple as she listened, getting more and more aggravated. "Why did you stay so long?" She whispered

Jude shrugged one shoulder, "Because all this didn't happen at once - it was a few bad incidents spread out over a couple months. The more stressed he was, the more he took out on me."

"That all?" Sadie asked, more than ready to speak her piece about this whole thing

Jude shook her head, "There's a lot more." She gingerly went over a couple smaller things Tommy had done before going into the really hard stuff. She wasn't sure what should come first - the hit or the miscarriage, but ended up explaining them in the order they happened. Sadie was angrily shaking her head by the time Jude finished explaining her and Tommy's biggest argument, and how she ended up at the bar with Mike.

All the stuff about her being drugged by Mike and being rushed to the hospital spilled from her lips in a jumbled mess caused by crying. "Tommy was with me all day at the hospital - and he was so good to me, like how we used to be. It was nearly perfect, but then I wake up and he's gone. I knew exactly where he went, too. And it's not like I'm upset that he beat up Mike, but was that really the time for it? I had to to take a cab back to his place to get money, go to the towing company that towed my rental - oh, got in an argument with that bitch, Selena, THEN went to get my car, went to the bail bonds place, and the jail. It was so unnecessary! And he knew how bad off I would be, but he didn't care. He just wanted to teach Mike a lesson."

Jude sat up and tucked her legs under her, better facing Sadie on the couch before dropping her voice to a soft pained whisper, talking about her miscarriage. She shared with Sadie how she had to go alone to the hospital for the ultrasound because Tommy was an ass on the phone beforehand, and that when she told Tommy, he cried and held her in his arms. She explained that it could have been a lot of things that caused it, but, it probably was a lot of things all at once that caused it. "Call me crazy...but I still miss the baby. Just think - I could be five months pregnant right now."

Sadie enveloped Jude in her arms, fighting off tears of her own, "Oh my God," She whispered, "How could you keep something like that from me?"

Jude shrugged, "I couldn't deal with it - I still can't. It's just...It hurts." She sniffled and pulled away from the embrace, "And for a second, I thought Tommy felt that hurt too - just to see him feel something meant so much. And I thought we were on the same page for once...but then he told me to leave. He completely abandoned me."

"Jackass." Sadie scoffed, "Jude, how are you not - wait." Sadie stopped short with knitted eyebrows, "Five months? That would mean that you slept with Tommy while you were in New Brunswick...?" Jude nodded. Sadie's mouth fell open, "Jude! After all he did, you still had sex with him?"

Jude started down at her hands, and gave a slight shrug of her shoulders, "I love him."

Sadie shook her head, "You need psychiatric help."

Jude buried her face in her hands, "Probably."

Sadie sighed, a look of pure confusion on her face, "How could you still feel that way? After all Tommy did you, you still love him. That's not right, Jude."

"You don't understand, Sadie," Jude argued, "It wasn't all horrible. We had some amazing moments, times that made me fall for him all over again."

"And were those few moments worth all the pain he caused you?"

Jude brought her bottom lip between her teeth and blinked fresh tears from her eyes, "I don't know." Sadie opened her mouth to object further, but Jude stopped her, "You don't know what it's like there." She whispered "It's miserable. Those people, they want you to be a bad off as they are. And his mom, she's...impossible! Always on Tommy's case about everything - in his face twenty-four seven. And - and I can understand how he could act the way he did."

"That's no excuse," Sadie spat, "Anyone who would treat you that way doesn't really love you."

"But he does, Sadie. I thought the exact same thing, but I've had a lot of time to think it all over and I really think he does."

Sadie crossed her arms, "Where is he then?"

"I'm not sure." Jude admitted, "Last I heard he was back home helping his brother with fixing the house."

"But you have his number, right?"

With a slight hesitation, Jude shook her head, "No. He called me from a pay phone." She lied easily

Sadie eyed her skeptically before deciding to believe her "Doesn't that say something, though? How much could he love you if he wasn't even here to welcome you home?"

"I don't think he knows I'm here." Jude answered quietly "All he knows is my tour ends in Febuary." She took Sadie's hand and spoke with a soft seriousness, "You can't tell anybody, Sadie. I'm trusting you with this."

Sadie nodded, "I won't tell." She promised "Only if I'm allowed to kick Tommy in the balls next time I see him."

Jude smiled and hugged her sister, "You'll have to talk to him about that."

"How are you not mad at him?" Sadie asked a moment later

"I am mad, when I think about it enough."

"Yeah, but for the most part, you seem alright with all this."

"I'm not," Jude disagreed lightly, "I'm just trying to move on. Tommy apologized...a thousand times, and I'm tired of dealing with it."

"I still don't understand it." Sadie said "I think you're crazy, really."

Jude smirked, "I think I'm a little nuts too."

llllllllllllllll

Tristan led Tommy down a well-lit hallway that smelled of dead flowers and bath soap. Every room they past had a large golden number mounted on the door like an apartment complex. Their mom's room was at the very end of the hall near a window that looked over a snow-covered field. Tristan went in without hesitation, and not even bothering to knock. He's been here enough to know when the best time to barge in was, he had the home's schedule memorized perfectly, and even knew what was on the menu for dinner that night. Tommy rolled his eyes at the information - Tristan acted more parent-like then she did, it's always been that way.

Tommy clenched his fists at his sides, and kept his posture defensive as he entered the room, bracing for the worst. Scattered around the little bedroom were vases of all sorts, over flowing with assorted flowers of all shapes and colors. They gave off no scent, though, and had loose threads edging the pedals; must be too cold for real flowers.

Mariam was off the corner of the room, sitting in a recliner and watching TV. Her hair was combed back in to a neat pony tail, and her face was bright. Tommy couldn't remember the last time he saw her completely sober; the bags under her eyes were nearly gone, and her lips were a light red color. She didn't notice Tristan until he brushed his hand over hers, "Hey, ma." Tristan smiled and pecked her cheek, "Look who came to say hi." He motioned over in Tommy's direction.

Mariam fixed her gaze on Tommy for a long second, then smiled, "Tom." She cooed, "Where have you been?"

Tommy took a tiny step back, caught off guard by her loving response, "I - uh, I was back home...?" His uncertainty made it sound like a question. Mariam's welcoming smile had him shifting uneasily on his feet

"Well, come here." Mariam patted the arm of the chair next to her, while Tristan took a seat on the arm of Mariam's recliner. Tommy perched on the very edge of the small wooden chair after awkwardly hugging his mom. "Take your jacket off," She insisted, "Stay for a while."

Tommy did as instructed and removed his leather jacket, "How have you been, mom?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I've been all day for your father, though." She turned to Tristan, "Could you run down to the shop and get him? He'll be there all day if we let him."

"Jimmy's not around, mom." Tristan said gently "Remember, he's in jail."

Mariam thought quietly for a while, her eyes glued to the television "That's right." she finally said with a single nod. Her eyes shifted to Tommy, he was facing away from her, and her touched the back of his head lightly, "Tommy, it's really nice to see you."

"You too, mom." Tommy offered a tight smile

"My boys," Mariam grinned, "How about we go downstairs for lunch?"

"Sure." Tristan agreed immediately and stood.

Tommy nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling out of place. Lunch with his mom had to be one of the most foreign concepts he's ever experienced.


	42. Chapter 42

Late that night, Jude sprawled herself out on the foot of her bed, the soft melody to Here, There, and Everywhere by The Beatles playing quietly from the speakers on her night stand. Sadie had offered to cancel, but Jude insisted she go on her date with Darius, and made her promise, again, not to say anything about Tommy. As far as coming up with a solution, Jude was left with nothing; Sadie wasn't the help Jude thought she would be, and according to Sadie, Tommy'll be at the head of her hit list as long as he lives.

Jude considered what Sadie said about being angry, and how she should be. Sure she was mad at Tommy at the time all this happened, but now? She couldn't find it in her. While in New Brunswick, she'd forgiven him for things as they happened, so when it came down to being generally angry, she didn't find a reason to be. The past is the past - water under the bridge and all that.

As her mind fell back to Tommy, she started thinking of all the things about him that irritated her, trying to see if it was even possible to work up a steady anger. His tendency for self-pity was the first thing that popped in her head - his constant attitude of 'I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough' was the second. None of this really made her angry though; it made her sad for him, and sad that he may never see his full potential. Maybe Sadie was right. Maybe she really was one notch away from a strait jacket. Was it wrong not to hate Tommy? Probably.

Jude sat up on the edge of her bed and reached for her journal. She's hardly used it since the launch of her album and the downfall of her writing inspiration. Her words took on an almost bitter tone as she scribbled them down, highlighting Tommy's faults rather than his qualities. It was such an honest experience for her, to open up about what she really felt without worrying about hurting Tommy. She's had her fair share, and maybe it would do Tommy good to get another perspective on himself.

The first page was a jumbled mess of random thoughts that she jotted down as they came to mind; the second was far more structured, and by the forth page she had an entire song written. A glance to the clock showed only twenty minutes passed, this is the fastest she's ever written a full song, and definitely the least emotional. She read over what she'd written objectively, and smiled a tiny half smile. It was perfect.

7am the following morning, Jude showed up in Darius' office as scheduled. After the last six weeks of late nights and early rises, Jude was pretty used to working early hours, and hardly bother by them now. That could all change once she had a vacation, of course. Darius wore a light, almost playful expression as he greeted her.

"Morning Jude. Take a seat."

Jude settled in the large leather chair and crossed her legs. Her eyebrows rose expectantly.

"Your tour is doing great." Darius started and Jude could've sworn, for a split second, enormous dollar signs were in his eyes, "And all this press about you and Tommy? Killer." He fumbled in his desk drawer, and come up with a thin packet of papers held together with a single staple "Come February, if you want, your contract with G-major is officially up. If not, I'm offering you a chance to renew for another three years."

Jude reached over and took the contract from him, "Three years?" She questioned

"Or more." Darius folded his hands on the desk "You're a full-fledged superstar now. Your record sales are through the roof, your next three concerts are sold out and just about everyone is begging for a moment of your time."

Jude stared down at the paper in her hands with knitted eyebrows. Superstar...When did that happen? Has she really been so wrapped up in her tour that she didn't notice?

"This contract includes two more albums, a summer tour in the USA, along with a tour for each album."

"I don't know, D." Jude said. Three years seemed like so much more then it was. Jude wasn't ready for that kind of bounding just yet.

"I'll give you the holiday to think about it," Darius quickly assured, "Nothing has to be decided right now."

"Alright."

Darius straightened a stack of papers on his desk and sorted them into two piles before speaking again, "Tonight's my annual Christmas party - I assume you'll be attending?"

Jude shrugged, "Sure." It's not like she had better things to do.

"Great." Darius smiled, "You're on the bill - Sing something new tonight, we need a new single."

"Why can't we pick a single from my album?"

"I need something new to put up on the G-major site, you know, for the holiday."

"How generous." Jude muttered. If this was Darius' way of persuasion, he needed a new job.

llllllllllllllll

"Right - room thirty-four." Tommy said into the cell phone sandwiched between his ear and shoulder. Tristan watched him pack from the little sitting table in Tommy's motel room. "You sure your journey of self-discovery is over?" He asked when Tommy hung up his phone "I mean, in that thick head of yours, I thought it would take months."

"Ha-ha." Tommy muttered sarcastically and sat at the table across from Tristan. After lunch yesterday, their mother had small lapse and was lost in the world of sixteen years ago and ended up giving Tommy the cold shoulder for the rest of his visit. He should've known it was too good to be true. But while at lunch, when Mariam and Tristan were talking, all Tommy wanted to do was call Jude and tell her that his mom was doing better. He wanted to share his brief moment of happiness with her. And even though it didn't end well, he still wanted to tell Jude all about it, and fill her in on the stuff she missed. The sudden urge was so strong that it made him realize, that Jude was the only person he wanted to talk to about anything. If anyone could help him through this hard time in his life, it's her. So what the hell was he doing here?

Tristan took a long drag from his cigarette, "What's one more week?" He asked "Just stick around until the house is done."

Tommy shook his head, "I need to get home." He spent the majority of last night thinking about all he had to do before Jude got back from tour; fixing things with Darius topped the list and he thanked his lucky stars that Darius wasn't the type to sue for breach of contract - the worst that he would do is fire him, and he was kind of expecting that.

A few days ago, after reading Jude's letter for the millionth time, he finally come upon what it meant: Jude wanted him to get himself straight, and come home to her. But only when he was sure that he wouldn't make the same mistakes again. His idea of running off together was the easy way out, and probably not the best option for Jude, he realized. It was selfish to expect her to leave her whole life to hide out with him, she needed stability. But if he waited until she was there to go back, then she'd be in the middle of all his problems. He wanted to be settled and waiting for her when she gets home.

"You should bring her around sometime so I can meet her." Tristan mused

"That's probably not the best idea." Tommy answered with a small grimace "I don't think Jude'll be coming here anytime soon."

"How bad did you fuck up, man?" Tristan laughed, "She won't even come say hi?"

Tommy sighed, "It's complicated."

Tristan shrugged and lit another cigarette, "Are you planning on coming back soon?"

Tommy pulled out his cell phone in response to its beeping. "I don't know." One new message flashed on his phone, with Jude's name under it. A snow storm is headed your way, The message read, please be careful. Tommy smiled and replied with, I will, same to you.

"Don't be a stranger," Tristan continued, "Soon enough mom's memory will be completely gone."

Tommy bit his tongue against arguing that their mom's loss of memory might not be such a horrible thing - not where he's concerned, anyway. "I'll do my best."

Tristan put out his cigarette in the little glass ash tray and shoved up from his chair, "Have a safe trip," He stretched "And thanks for the truck."

"No problem." Tommy stood and hugged his brother, "I'll keep in touch."

"Sure." Tristan smiled like he really didn't believe it, but appreciated the thought. He strolled wordlessly from the room, leaving Tommy alone to wait for the airport shuttle.


	43. Chapter 43

"Hey, Sade? Can I borrow your silver heels tonight?" Jude asked as she came down the stairs, and by the sound of her steps, she was already wearing the shoes in question

"Yeah!" Sadie called from the kitchen

Jude smiled, "And those cute dangling earrings if yours?"

"Go ahead."

Jude appeared in the kitchen dressed in a silky, floor length red dress with a strapless neck line, "Only thing good about Darius' parties, is the clothes."

"Wow Jude," Sadie appraised, "You look amazing.'

"You look pretty good yourself."

Sadie twisted her necklace around and unlatched it, handing it to Jude, "It goes better with your dress."

Jude eagerly secured the necklace; she'd been eyeing it since Sadie put it on, she must have noticed. "Are you giving me anything I want because you feel sorry for me?" She guessed

Sadie cracked a guilty smile "Yeah."

"I'll keep that in mind."

llllllll

Darius' Christmas Eve parties were always the same; Business big shots mingling with wannabe superstars, and Darius taking all the credit for the records plastered all over the walls. And of course to be politically correct, Darius was calling this is Holiday party. Jude rolled her eyes. The only thing that made these things tolerable was the people she shared it with. Tonight, however, she was alone; Speid was with Karma, Kyle and Wally were off talking up a couple stuck-up models, and Sadie was hanging off Darius' arm; leaving Jude alone to schmooze Darius' investors.

An hour into the party, Jude snuck away from the business men and grabbed a seat at the very end of the bar, hidden by the small group of Instant Star finalists who seemed to be doing the same thing she was; hiding. They disappeared eventually, and when Darius laid a hand on her shoulder, Jude understood why.

"You're up." Darius said before ordering himself drink "Make me proud, superstar."

Jude sighed and made her way to the small stage; a stool and a guitar were waiting for her by the mic. From her spot on the stage, she could plainly see the cameras surrounding her. She tried to ignore them, and flashed the best rockstar smile she could come up with.

Guitar settled in her lap, Jude gave a short introduction before starting the song she wrote last night:

_And when it rains_

_on this side of town it touches, everything_

_Just say it again and mean it_

_We don't miss a thing_

_You made yourself a bed_

_At the bottom of the blackest hole_

_And convinced yourself that_

_It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore_

Jude fought hard to keep from freezing under the cameras' glare, she felt so ridiculous for feeling that way - she rarely ever got nervous - but her growing distaste for cameras and interviews, and forced shows like these had her shaking. She kept her professional face on and continued,

_And oh, oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_Oh, oh, I need the ending_

_So why can't you stay_

_Just long enough to explain?_

Jude had gained the attention of most of the room at this point. Darius was off to the side, looking from her to the man next to him, taking full responsibility for 'discovering' Jude, no doubt.

_And when it rains_

_Will you always find an escape?_

_Just running away_

_From all of the ones who love you_

_From everything_

_You made yourself a bed_

_At the bottom of the blackest hole _

_And you'll sleep 'til May_

_And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore_

_Jude pushed her voice through the chorus, feeling more and more pressured. Once she started the bridge, she relaxed, seeing an end in sight,_

_Take these chances to turn it around_

_Take these chances, we'll make it somehow_

_And take these chances to turn it around _

_Just turn it around_

_You can take your time, take my time_

llllllllllllllllllll

_Christmas is for kids_. That was the conclusion Jude came to after a long deliberation over why she wasn't in cheery mood. Christmas morning started like any other; coffee, breakfast in front of the television and getting dressed. Her normally festive mood had burnt itself out, it seems. In her closet this morning, she decided to spend the day in her favorite white pajama bottoms that had blue snowflakes on them and the hoodie Tommy sent her.

Sadie was unhappy with her attire, of course, and pinched her for lack of 'Christmas colors'. Jude then promptly informed her that it wasn't St. Patrick's Day and lack of holiday color didn't deserve a pinch, and pinched her in return for lack of anything black, because Sadie's pinch implied that the color rule was due to preference and not according to the holiday. That took care of their annual Christmas morning argument, it least.

The exchange of presents was short lived, and involved passing the phone back and forth talking to Stuart. Sadie and Jude mercifully spared any details on each other's romantic life when talking to their dad, and ended the call as soon as he began prying. Sadie had gotten Jude an amazing white gold bracelet that she absolutely loved, and Jude had given Sadie a bunch of designer freebies she picked up on the road. While Sadie was busy geeking out about the clothes, and tossing around large Italian words, Jude stowed away in her room with her guitar.

Sadie eventually extracted her from her world of music when Darius arrived, baring Jude's paycheck and a diamond necklace for Sadie. Jude endured being the third wheel for an hour, and little by little distanced herself from the happy couple.

Currently they were sitting on the couch while Jude sat in the kitchen, mindlessly drawing hearts in the leftover soy sauce from her chow mien with the tip of her fork. She sent Tommy a text early this morning, having not heard back from him, she feared for the worst, and hoped for the best. There's a good chance he's just as depressed as she is, and hasn't gotten out of bed yet. Jude was tempted to go back to bed herself.

"Please stop moping." Sadie said as she came up behind Jude "Be happy, it's Christmas" Jude repeated her revelation of Christmas being solely for children and Sadie rolled her eyes, "That's stupid. You're just in a funk, that's all." She rubbed Jude's back "Are you sure you don't want to watch the movie with us? I'll make you feel included."

"I think I'm just gonna head up to my room – thanks, though." Jude managed a tiny smile and dropped her dishes in the sink on her way out of the kitchen.


	44. Chapter 44

Tommy's flight finally came to land in an airport about fifty miles outside of Toronto. The flight had been delayed several hours due to the snow storm Jude warned him about, and was now forced to land due to another storm wreaking havoc and causing 'rough air'. Tommy didn't care too much, though – he didn't mind spending time in airports, even in large amounts; anything he needed was accessible, and he liked to people watch.

The air port's gates were full of fellow stranded passengers, and some voluntary passengers who hoped traveling on a holiday would mean less chaos, despite the cost. Tommy was one of the disappointed hopefuls. People swarmed around him as he strolled down the corridor between concourse A and B. The restaurants were filled with frowning workers and grumpy customers complaining about their wait time. He overheard one woman yell that she's been here for three days, and is missing her daughter's first Christmas. Tommy wondered idly where she's headed, and was thankful he wasn't far enough away from home to qualify an excessively long stay.

Tommy settled in the waiting area of his assigned gate and sipped from his bottle of Sprite he picked up in a vending machine. Right across from him was a woman sharing a chair with her baby boy, and next to him was a young couple using each other as pillows. The woman slept perfectly content in the protective embrace of her boyfriend.

Tommy watched them sleep, suddenly feeling tired as well, and wishing Jude was here with him. They seemed so happy, even in sleep. Tommy longed painfully to have that feeling again, to not only be in love, but to be with the one he loved.

He retrieved his cell phone from his pocket and turned it on; it had been off since he realized he left the charger at the hotel and decided to conserve its energy. He smiled at Jude's 'Merry Christmas' message and responded with Merry Christmas, babe. Love you. The time on her message was around nine this morning; he had been on a plane then. The previous night was spent in a chair a lot like the one he's in now, drifting in and out of consciousness. Once his plane was finally ready to depart, he collapsed in his seat in first class and slept the whole flight, waking to an announcement of an emergency landing.

Tommy's phone let out a bleep, signaling a message. Love you too, Jude responded.

What are you up to? He sent back

Jude's reply came quickly, Nothing really. You?

Same. I miss you.

Miss you too. Can we talk tonight?

Tommy smiled at the thought, already looking forward to hearing her voice again. They decided on a time, and Tommy's phone's battery icon blinked. He unwillingly turned his phone off with a promise that he'd call her at seven. It was nearing four o'clock, meaning he had an hour before his flight, and from there, only an hour away from home.

llllllllllllllllll

Jude set her phone aside and snuggled into the warmth of her bed. As much as she wanted to call Tommy right this second, she held off, knowing Sadie might try to sneak a listen. Sadie's anger toward Tommy was justified and well appreciated, but unnecessary; and Jude couldn't put it past Sadie to barge in to tell Tommy off, hanging up and stealing her phone for the night.

A short while passed before a light knock sounded on Jude's door, followed by Sadie's face coming into view, "Hey." She greeted flatly

"Why so gloom?" Jude asked

Sadie heaved a dramatic sigh and plopped on Jude's bed, "Our flight got canceled."

Jude's eyes bulged slightly "What?"

"Yeah." Sadie scoffed "They're worried about the snow."

Jude giggled at Sadie's disgruntled face, "How dare them worry about passenger safety when you've got a vacation to get you?"

"I know!" Sadie rolled her eyes and smiled "Whatever – we'll just have an early start tomorrow."

Jude brought a hand up to cover her huge yawn, "What are you gonna do in the mean time?"

Sadie shrugged, "Go back to his place I guess – or we could hang out here, if you don't want to be alone."

Jude smirked, "I'm already alone. And besides I don't want you and Darius gunking up the new couch."

Sadie was ready with a cheeky comeback when she noticed something outside Jude's window. She stretched her neck to get a better look, "I don't think we're going anywhere."

Jude followed her gaze, and outside her window, was nothing but a sheening wall of white. "A white out?" She muttered incredulously, "Well that sucks."

"Looks like Darius is staying the night." Sadie tossed out with a shrug

Jude groaned "Fabulous."

Llllllllllllllllll

"All flights are landed?" Tommy demanded, speaking to a woman perched behind a tall customer service counter

"Afraid so, sir." The woman deadpanned, picking at her nails "We'll let you know as soon as we have more information."

Tommy glared at rude woman's forehead before stalking away with clenched fists. He was passed from service desk to service desk because apparently anyone who looked official had become brain dead in the last hour, and eventually ended up with that piece of work. He let out a groan of frustration as he gathered his suitcase from the man handing them out; since all planes were immobilized for the night, they were being emptied as well.

Suitcase in tow, Tommy wandered in search of food, or even someone with a brain who could point him toward a place to stay locally for the night. His wandering led him passed a little shop called 'Daily News' which was really an oversized magazine stand with a couple books thrown in to make it look otherwise.

Much to his relief, he didn't see himself on any of the shelves lining the store, but Jude's face was sported on a few. One in particular caught his eye; the title read _Jude spending the holidays alone?_ The picture tagged with it was one of her and Darius, taken at an airport.

He propped up his suitcase and grabbed the tabloid from the rack, flipping to the back. The story pitched was ridiculous, claiming her and Tommy had a messy break up, and because of that he quit his job and hasn't been answering her calls with all sorts of 'insider' info backing it up. The one thing they did confirm, though, was that Jude had come home. She was there. Only a mere eighty miles resting between where Tommy stood and where Jude could be found. His breathing nearly stopped.

_She's so close. _

Everything after that was fueled on pure impulse, one that would rival any of Jude's impulses any day. Tommy rushed through the airport, and skidded right through the 'Don't-cross-if-you-plan-on-turning-around' security check point, heading right for the rental car service.

The man behind the desk seemed hesitant, obviously concerned as to what Tommy's rush was about, especially when he demanded the fastest car available. "Due to the weather," The man said, "We caution you to please only use the car for local use."

"Yeah, sure." Tommy scribbled his signature and nearly snatched the key from the guy. The brutal wind gushed and nipped at the exposed skin of Tommy's face as he threw his suitcase in the back of the car. The snow was still falling in cotton ball sized flakes, landing amongst the blanket already covering the frozen earth. The sun nearly gone, leaving the sky a glowing gray.

By circumstance, Tommy knew the route home from this airport; he'd been stranded in a similar situation a couple years ago when returning from a vacation, and just decided to drive instead of waiting for a flight.

He waited until he hit the highway to speed up. The roads were clear with the exception of a light sprinkling of about seven cars, and one large snow plow keeping the snow at bay for emergency and airport travel.

The miles disappeared behind him, and with each one, his anxiety grew. This could've been a horrible idea – what if Jude didn't want to see him? How come she didn't tell him she was home? Tommy shook off the questions and focused on the most important thing: Jude was in reach.


	45. Chapter 45

"_If you could have one thing in the entire world, what would it be?" Jude asked_

_Tommy sucked in a breath through his teeth and smiled, "You." _

_Jude rolled her eyes and stretched her legs out, draping them over Tommy's stomach, while her back leaned against the trunk of a large tree, "You already have me – something else."_

_Tommy put his hand over Jude's bare feet and tucked the other under his head, "I don't want anything."_

_Jude adjusted the guitar in her lap and shook her head, "There has to be something." She insisted_

_Tommy's fingers mindlessly swept along the length of Jude's jean clad leg while he thought. "It'd be nice if we could stay here forever." He finally said "I'm tired of the world."_

_Jude chuckled, "Want to get some wood and build a tree house?" _

"_Yes!" Tommy agreed enthusiastically, "Let's build a tree house, make friends with the local wildlife and live like Tarzan."_

_Jude laughed out loud, and scrubbed a hand over her face, "Oh God, images of you in a Tarzan suit…" She shook the thought off _

_Tommy grimaced, "We'd wear regular clothes." He decided_

"_No," Jude disagreed, "That would make the animals jealous." She set the guitar aside and brought her knees up to her chest, "Besides, I don't speak ape – it would never work." _

"_There isn't any ape here, Jude."_

"_How would you know?" Jude countered, "Have you searched for them?"_

_Tommy rolled his eyes and held his arms out for her. Jude happily crawled into the envelope of his arms and rested her head on his chest, "Fine. No Tarzan." Tommy muttered _

_Jude slipped her fingers in between Tommy's and smiled, "A life alone sounds amazing." She sighed longingly, "Too bad it's all fantasy."_

"_It doesn't have to be." Tommy said softly and placed his free hand on the small of Jude's back "We could be in a cabin in the jungle by tomorrow morning if you want." _

"_The jungle?" _

_Tommy chuckled, "You know what I mean."_

"_Maybe in a few years." Jude mused_

"_If I could have anything in the world," Tommy said a moment later, "I'd want you to be with me forever."_

_Jude leaned up on her elbow and smiled down at him, "Wish granted."_

_Reaching up, Tommy pulled back the curtain of hair blocking Jude's face and guided her in for a kiss, "You're the best thing I've ever had, and you're all I want."_

"_Forever." Jude agreed, and sealed her promise with a kiss_

Jude's memory came to a halt when Sadie tossed a pillow at her head, "What are you daydreaming about?" She asked

Jude blinked from her thoughts, "Nothing."

Jude had only been in the living room for ten minutes, and already she wanted to make a run for it. Unlike her and Tommy, Sadie and Darius' private conversations were spoken at normal level, left out there for Jude to gag at. It wasn't lovey talk, though; it was mostly about sex or work. Jude highly doubted they were in love or anything even remotely close.

"Don't you dare shave," Sadie giggled to Darius, and leaned her hand against his chest "I love a little stubble on a man – especially when you go down and I can feel it on my thighs."

"Sadie!" Jude groaned and buried her face in her hands, her body leaning over her knees

Darius laughed his big booming laugh, "What's the matter, Superstar?"

"Too much information." Jude said, her voice muffled by her hands

Sadie grimaced, "Sorry Jude. My brain to mouth filter is on the frits tonight."

"Call a repair man."

Jude sat up and turned her back to them, draping her legs over the arm of the recliner and crossing her arms over her chest. Sadie and Darius continued to talk amongst themselves while Jude watched TV.

She texted Tommy a little while ago, requesting they put off their talk until the following morning and since then, he's been on her mind nonstop. She might crack and just end up calling him – it's not like Sadie and Darius would miss her, and she missed the sound of Tommy's voice.

Jude found herself lost in another memory as her eyes began to droop. Tommy was there smiling at her behind her eyelids, and despite the conversation going on behind her, Jude felt perfectly at ease.

llllllllllllllllllllllllll

"Un-fucking-believable" Tommy spat as he watched a police officer inform the car in front of him that the roads haven't been plowed, and to find an alternate route, as he's done with five other cars now. This particular road, however, was the only one that led to Jude's neighborhood. The cars behind Tommy had all filed out. Once the Tommy got to the cop, he spoke his piece about the snow and Tommy replied with a convincing, "But I live on the next street."

Apparently the cop didn't believe him because he replied by asking to see Tommy's I.D. Tommy twisted the wheel and clenched his jaw with frustration, "I don't have it on me."

"Sorry, can't let you through." The cop shrugged and motioned for Tommy to turn around. For a crazy second, Tommy considered speeding right passed the cop and his stupid flashing car, but thought better of it and turned around.

He ended up back on the main road, behind a line of cars who were also being directed elsewhere by authority officials. Tommy let out a growl of frustration and swerved the car to the side of the road, "Fuck this." He dove out into the cold and through someone's side yard to a connecting street that led to Jude's

lllllllllllll

By the time Jude woke up, the living room had become pitch black, and Darius' snore was echoing through the house. Jude cringed against the sound and stood from the recliner, stretching her stiff limbs. On the couch, Darius had fallen asleep sitting up, and Sadie was on the opposite side, tucked into a ball. She shook her head at the scene; no way they're in love…

The phone in her pocket sounded off suddenly, startling both her and Sadie. "What's that?" Sadie muttered, her speech slurred from sleep. No later than the words left her mouth, she was back into unconsciousness.

Jude silenced it and crept passed the couch, feeling her way through the darkness to the stairs, "Hello?" She hushed into the phone

"Hey." Tommy's raspy voice sounded from the other end "Can you do me a favor?"

Jude paused with her foot on the third step and arched her brow, "What?"

Tommy's breathing sounded like static on the line, "Go outside."

Jude smirked, keeping her voice low, "I don't know how it is where you are – but it's around the zero mark here. No way am I going out in that."

"It feels more like twelve where I'm standing."

Jude stopped short at his words. Her body froze and was quickly beginning to feel numb "Where are you?" She whispered

"Closer than you think." He hushed back

Jude turned for the door and banged her shin on the foot of the banister, "Ouch! Fuck!" Tommy's chuckle rumbled in her ear as he bent to rub the wounded area. Darius' snore stuttered, than picked up again. Jude hastily shoved her feet into the slippers her and Sadie kept for taking out the garbage, or getting the mail, and swung the front door open.

Standing there, on the sidewalk was the man she's been waiting for.

A flood of disbelief washed through her, freezing her solid in her spot. Tommy's grin could be seen through the darkness as he snapped his cell phone closed. An uncounted amount of time passed as they took in each other's appearance from afar. Jude couldn't find it in her to be embarrassed for her baggy pajamas and her sloppy ponytail….it was Tommy.

A second rush of emotion flooded her sleep addled brain, and before she knew it, her feet were taking her to him. Tommy jogged ahead, meeting her halfway up the sidewalk and wrapped her tightly in his arms. Jude's arms went around his neck, holding him close as possible.

"I broke like fifty laws getting here." Tommy breathed with a slight laugh "Including a couple trespassing violations."

Jude's responding laugh was choked with a quiet sob. "Harrison," Tommy said, his voice a faux chiding tone, "You haven't turned into a sap on me, have you?"

Jude pulled back just enough to see his face and choked up a smile, "Look who's talking, tough guy." She touched at the moisture gathered under Tommy's eyes, her bare fingertips began to tingle from the cold, "You must be freezing."

"Well, your heater hasn't stopped working, has it?"

Jude glanced back at the house, "Sadie's in there." She said "And…Darius."

"Darius?" Tommy questioned

Jude nodded, "Sadie and Darius are a thing now." She laughed at Tommy's shocked reaction, "I know! I couldn't believe it either."

Tommy ran his hands down Jude's arms and laced their hands together. Jude smiled at the warmth Tommy's hands provided and turned for the house, "If you think its cold out here, wait until you feel Sadie's draft."

"I'll survive."

Jude pressed a finger to her lips, motion for Tommy to be quiet and ushered him past the couch. The step at the top of the stairs let out a loud squeak when Tommy's boot landed on it, Sadie's voice followed a second later.

"Hurry up!" Jude hushed, shoving Tommy into her room and locking the door behind them, "If Sadie comes up here it's your fault."

"Those stairs have never liked me." Tommy defended

"You have taken a reasonable amount of falls on them." Jude turned and flipped on the light, illuminating Tommy's face. A smile graced her lips as she took him into her arms again, "I can't believe you're here."

"Me neither." Tommy brought a hand to the back of her head and kissed her forehead, "I would've been here sooner, but I didn't know you were here."

Jude shook her head, "You're here now – that's all that matters."

Tommy broke the embrace to remove his leather jacket while Jude sat on the bed against the headboard. She happily allowed Tommy to pull her against him. "Thank you for coming back." She said

They fell silent for a while, just enjoying each other's company before starting a light conversation. Jude went over a few high points in her tour, and Tommy talked lightly of his time in New Brunswick. Jude gaped in disbelief when he talked about his mom and how kind she was. While they talked, Tommy gently petted Jude's hair and kissed her forehead every few minutes. Jude was overwhelmed by how happy Tommy was, she couldn't remember the last time he was so content.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Tommy whispered after another stretch of silence

"Of course."

Tommy tilted Jude's face up, and stared deeply into her eyes "I have no idea what I'm doing." He admitted "And I'm terrified I'll mess this up again. I don't know what I thought would come out of going back, or why I ran away to begin with." Tommy cupped her face between his hands, "All I know is, you're the only person in world who can help me figure this out."

Jude offered a watery smile, "You're not as messed up as you think." She laid her hand on his cheek and brought their foreheads together "And I'll always be there for you, babe… but you have to let me."

"I know."

Jude settled back into his arms, "I have a new theory" She informed him.

Tommy chuckled, "Geez."

"No," Jude objected "It's a good one – one about us."

"Let's hear it."

"Love is easy." Jude said matter of factly

"Oh, really?" Tommy asked doubtfully

"Yes." Jude said, "Love in itself is easy – feeling love, falling in love. It's life that makes it difficult." She smiled, proud of her presumption

"Care to elaborate?"

"Right now for example," Jude went on "It's easy to lay here with you, and say I love you…but what scares me is-"

"What life might do to us…" Tommy finished her thought with a frown "I see your point."

Jude adjusted so she was sitting on her knees, facing Tommy, "Doesn't mean I don't love you, though. It's just a theory." She sighed, "This whole thing – it's just been talked to death, don't you think? I'm ready to move on. I don't want to harp on it anymore."

"Same here." Tommy agreed

"Let's leave it at this," Jude cleared the growing emotion from her throat, "Everything that happened in New Brunswick was…crazy, and not just on our end, everything around us was pure insanity." Tommy nodded in agreement "We both reacted in our separate ways, and although yours was at my expense, I can't fault you for it – I never have. So we can both put it behind us, as long as you swear nothing like that will happen again."

"I'm not going to fuck this up again – I won't let life get in the way of us anymore." The sincerity in Tommy's voice was strong; he truly meant it "If I've learned anything through this whole thing – it's that I need to learn to let go of the past, and things I can't control or change, and stop letting that shit influence my life."

"You deserve to be happy," Jude continued for him "And you've changed a lot since then – and you've changed even more since I met you."

"Because of you," Tommy smiled gently "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Jude smirked, "You'd be hell of a lot worse off, apparently."

"Face down in a gutter." Tommy agreed with a half-hearted snicker "But you deserve to be happy too."

Jude's expression changed to one that suggested she was expecting another 'I don't deserve you' speech, making Tommy conjure up a smirk of his own, "So you better learn how to be happy with me, because I'm not going anywhere."

Jude blinked, unsure if she heard him correctly, "Are you saying I don't have a choice?"

"Nope." Tommy grinned

"Good." Jude smiled in return, "I don't want one. But that doesn't mean I trust you yet." She added seriously "I still need time before I can safe with you again."

"I understand." Tommy took her hand "I'll make it up to you somehow." He stood from the bed and retrieved his jacket, digging a small box from the inner pocket, "I have something for you – for us." He said as he perched on edge; Jude came up and sat next to him and her feet brushed on the cold wooden floor as she swung her legs in anticipation, "You got me a present?"

"It is Christmas, after all."

Jude frowned, "I don't have anything for you."

Tommy shrugged, "I have you – that's enough." He held out the small necklace box for Jude, "I found this in that little jewelry shop on the dock – the one that you liked so much."

Jude smiled, "You get points for remembering that."

Tommy's face remained serious as Jude lifted the lid, exposing a gold necklace with a heart locket dangling from the delicate chain. Jude glanced up at him before removing the necklace from its holder. "A locket?" She asked, noticing the latch on the side. Tommy nodded, "Open it."

Jude set the box aside, briefly admiring the lace-like filigree design on the front before opening it. Inside was a small gemstone, Jude dropped it into her palm, "Emerald?" She asked softly

"The birthstone for May," Tommy explained, his voice thick, "For our baby." He watched Jude's reaction carefully, seeing moisture gather in her eyes, he quickly elaborated "Uh – I wasn't sure if I should get September because that's when we found out about…her, but I figure May is the month she would've been born, so-"

"It's perfect." Jude breathed as she returned the gem to the locket, turning it over and finding an engraving on the back. "My heart." She read shakily. Tears falling from her eyes, she turned and wrapped her arms around his neck with a sob.

Tommy held her close, his hand running up and down her back, "I'm so sorry."

Jude pulled back, wiping her face with the sleeve of her hoodie, "It's not our fault." She whispered

Tommy withheld the immediate objection that bubbled to his lips, ready to take the blame. He dug the thick silver chain out from his shirt, revealing the oval locket hanging from it; his matched Jude's design but was a bit larger, and shared the chain with a silver cross he normally wore, "I have one too."

Jude squinted at the locket, noticing two gems shining in his, "What's the other one for?"

"It's a Sapphire, for your birthday."

Jude smiled, touched, "Well, why don't I have a diamond for yours?"

Tommy shrugged sheepishly, "I wasn't sure if you wanted it."

Jude rolled her eyes, "Hand it over."

Tommy dug the diamond gem from the box Jude's necklace was in and dropped it in her locket. "Thank you." She said, and laughed, "I think getting through one day together without crying would be a success." She wiped her eyes

A single tearful laugh burst through Tommy's lips, "We'll shoot for that tomorrow."


	46. Chapter 46

"I feel kind of bad," Jude's voice broke through the silence a while later, stirring Tommy from the light slumber he'd fallen under. His head turned in her direction, finding her beside him, frowning. The brief bout with sleep had its effect on his voice, it scratched as he spoke "Why?"

Jude turned to her side, moving to rest her head on Tommy's outstretched arm "I feel like I come off as being judgmental, and that's you don't tell me stuff, or come to me with your problems."

"I have felt that way couple times." Tommy unwillingly admitted

"Sorry."

Tommy stretched and casted a sly smirk, "That's just something you'll have to work on, I guess."

Jude's eyes narrowed playfully and her hand reached out to pinch his side, "At least my problem is one and not one of many."

Tommy's jaw dropped, feigning hurt "Low blow, Harrison"

"Whatever – Oh, and speaking of, I'd wear a protective cup around Sadie if I were you, she has plans involving a certain sensitive area of yours that include her knee…or a steel toed boot."

Tommy cringed at the thought, "Noted."

Jude brought Tommy's arm to lie around her waist and began playing with his fingers while he dozed off. His slight snore vibrated through his chest, gently lulling Jude in to a slumber of her own.

Her dreamless sleep lasted until the sky was lit with brilliant shades of gold. The light flooded her room, bringing life to the once colorless surroundings. Jude's waking breath came in a content sigh as she found herself tucked in the warm hold of Tommy's arms. His grip loosened as she stretched and turned over, resting her head in the crook of his neck. "Mmm, I missed you." She smiled, pressing her lips to his skin

"Ditto." Tommy yawned, than groaned "We have so much to do today."

"We?" Jude scoffed "Unless your plan is movies and pineapple pizza, I won't be participating."

"We have to get my car from the side of the road," Tommy listed, acting as if she hadn't spoken, "Look at some apartments, buy furniture – you'll have absolutely no say in that – type up my incase-Darius-fires-me resume, you can help with that if you want."

"All I'm hearing is blah blah blah, pizza, blah blah blah…" Jude muttered "Wait – why don't I have a say in furniture?"

"Because you have bad taste in home decor." Tommy grinned

Jude grumbled unintelligibly and turned away from him, "Just for that, I'm definitely staying in bed today."

Tommy pulled her back to him and smiled into the messy mass of curls bundled at the back of her head, secured by a thinning rubber band, "I'm not fully against that as an alternative."

"No, no. Don't let me stand in the way of you getting your Martha Stewart on."

Tommy chuckled, "At least one of us can pull it off."

Jude released an irritated sigh and shoved his arm off her, "That's not a selling point unless you're female."

Ignoring her quip, Tommy dropped a kiss on the shell of Jude's ear, dragging his lips downward to attach to the sensitive skin on her neck, "I really, really want you with me to today," He whispered "Please?"

Jude fought the shiver threatening to quake her suddenly mushy muscles, "But why today?" She countered, turning to meet his lips with her own "Let's just…" She trailed off and deepened the kiss

Tommy responded strongly to the immediate spark that lit with the fusing of their lips. The energy flowing between them was gleeful and carefree; like it used to be.

Without Tommy's old enemies lurking on the sidelines, vying for a weak moment to rip him apart, he was left with the happiness he deprived himself from because of thoughts of an undeserving nature.

And Jude could feel it.

Once in a while she'd be treated with a day or two of the purely happy side of Tommy, but the whiplash usually came just as strong; submerging her in days of trying to talk Tommy out of his darkened state. And maybe it was naïve not to expect backtrack this time, but she didn't care; she was more than ready to start over and leave negative thoughts like those in the dust.

Jude giggled and moved so she was lying on his chest, "You seem different." She mused

"Good different?" Tommy asked

"Mmhm." Jude murmured "I like it when you're happy." She nuzzled his face "Stay this way, kay?"

Tommy reached up and cupped her cheek, securing her face between his hand and his lips caressing her jawline, "I promise to do my best."

"That's all I've ever asked." Jude's fingers tapped lightly against the cotton of Tommy's t-shirt while she relished in the moment.

"Hey," Tommy said suddenly, "We haven't officially cleared the slate yet."

"Oh yeah." Jude pursed her lips "Anything you want to add to it before cleaning?"

"Nope." Tommy answered honestly with a proud smirk

"I have something." Jude managed a smirk that looked both impish and sheepish; tipping Tommy off that her addition wouldn't be a serious one "I received several marriage proposals while on tour…"

Tommy cocked an eyebrow, "How many did you except?"

Jude drew lines in the air – pretending to calculate "Um…all of them"

"Really?" Tommy chuckled

"The ones I really loved were the ones shouted out during concerts – because you know that's how I always hoped it would happen." She added sarcastically "My youngest fiancé is a seven year old…"

"Looks like it's the polygamy life for us"

"I don't think that works for women," Jude said thoughtfully, "It's only men that can have multiple spouses."

"Good. I don't want to share you anyway."

Jude smiled, "But seriously…fresh start?"

"Yup."

Jude sighed, pecking him on the lips before standing, "What is a slate anyway?"

"Isn't it like platter?"

Jude yanked the rubber band from her hair and tossed it to the desk before lumbering to the closet, "I don't know, I guess." She pulled a pair of jeans and a wool sweater from their hangers and turned for the door, "C'mon – let's get the busy over with so I go back to bed."

"Make sure the coast is clear first, I really don't want to deal with Darius just yet."

As Tommy spoke, Jude swung the door open, catching Sadie by surprise; her hand up and poised to knock. By the expression on her face, Jude could tell she'd heard Tommy talking. Sadie tilted around Jude, confirming her suspicion and shot Jude a disapproving glare. "Thought you didn't know where he was."

"I didn't," Jude defended "He just showed up last night."

Sadie sighed and shook her head, "We'll talk about this later – Darius and I are on our way out - I wanted to say goodbye."

"Bye, Sades." Jude muttered, pressured under the evident disapproval of her older sister. Sadie offered Tommy no acknowledgement before turning and whisking down the stairs.

Jude raddled her fingers on the doorframe "Perfect."


	47. Chapter 47

By this point, Jude was could only be absolutely positive about one thing: noting could spoil her good mood. Not the paparazzi, not the fact that Sadie hates her, not even the six week separation from Tommy luring in the near future. She was on a wave of intangibility.

And Tommy was right along with her.

Although this feeling wasn't completely foreign to the pair, it sure as hell felt ten times better than it ever had. Neither could place exactly what the change was – it's not like they've never been together before – but they weren't wasting time contemplating, either. Jude had landed and settled in the reasoning that because they've been through so much, and managed to come out alive, there was a feeling of victory spurring the enthusiasm.

Tommy's hand curled around Jude's as they sluggishly made their way through a crowded parking lot attached to an Ikea. Seven or so flashing cameras surrounded them, tossing out random questions and rumors with no answer. They kept their pace calm and relaxed, unaffected by the press' prying. This was their last stop of a busy day. Jude wasn't necessarily thrilled about it, but she'd much rather be with Tommy than home alone.

Once inside the vast furniture store, Jude loosened her scarf and unzipped her jacket, "I have no say, right?"

Tommy smirked, "Yeah, why?"

Jude shrugged, "Just checking." She cast a playful smile in his direction "Jerk."

They rounded a corner and ended up near a bedroom display. Without warning, Tommy lifted Jude by the waist and landed her amongst a pile of pillows decorating the head of a king sized bed. Her surprised gasp was cut off by Tommy's lips. Jude chastely returned the kiss, very aware of the windows luring dangerously close to them.

"You're more than welcome to help me test the furniture, though."

Jude kept her eyes on his lips as her tongue swept against her own, "Sounds like something to be done at home."

"This coming from the person who wanted to get it on in a public bathroom."

"I didn't hear you complaining."

"Excuse me," A woman's voice sounded from behind them, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Tommy stood upright from his place leaning over Jude, while she scrambled off the bed, leaving a slew of scattered decorative pillows in her wake.

The woman had a manager's tag pinned to the top portion of her black pant suit, and her posture suited that of someone who takes her job way too seriously, "We ask that you please not touch the displays." Her snarky tone was paired with an accusing narrowing of her eyes

"Sorry." Tommy half laughed and pulled the baseball cap from his head, "I'm Tom Quincy, I have a tab here – and if you could get me Jerry, that'd be great."

The woman sniffed and turned on her heels, obviously thinking little of rich.

"You have a tab here?" Jude piped up, "Why?"

Tommy shrugged, slinging an arm around her neck, "They've been paying me to shop here since I did an episode of Cribs with one of their living room sets."

Jude cocked an eyebrow, "How much credit do you get?"

"Ten grand...?" Tommy's uncertainty made it a question. His lips pursed in thought, "No, it has to be closer to fifteen."

Jude shook her head, astonished, "That's crazy. Who knew you'd be the poster boy for tacky furniture?"

"It's not all tacky." Tommy disagreed and led Jude to a living room display. He plopped down on the large leather couch centered between two end tables, taking Jude down with him. Crossing her legs, Jude settled against Tommy with a yawn. "Have you heard back from Sadie?" Tommy asked, watching her check her text messages

"No," Jude sighed, "And I don't think I will." After Sadie took off this morning, Jude has been making a nonstop effort to explain things, but Sadie wasn't having any of it. Last time Jude called, she found out Sadie turned off her phone all together. It might be a while before she calms down enough to talk.

"Sorry."

Jude shrugged, "Don't be. When she gets home, she'll see how happy we are and get over it."

Tommy smiled, "I'm happy you're happy."

"No matter how crazy it makes me."

"Absolutely insane." Tommy agreed with a whisper and captured Jude's lips in a lingering kiss.

Jude laughed softly, shaking her head, "We're done after this right?"

Tommy swallowed a yawn, "Sure."

Jude laid her head in the crook of his neck, relieved. A majority of their day had been spent looking at apartments - none of which met up to Tommy's high standards, apparently, and he ended up requesting his old apartment back – after that, Tommy decided he wanted to return the rental and buy a new car; that included a road trip back to the airport, and an hour in the office of a car dealership, signing papers.

Luckily Tommy's preference for cars wasn't as picky as his for apartments; he went with the newest, fastest Porsche available. It wasn't completely boring, though. Tommy asked Jude's input on everything from the appropriate angle of living room windows, to the best car color. She had a sinking suspicion that Tommy was more worried about picking out things for them instead of just him, and that brought Jude's mood up even further. It felt like he really, really wanted to commit this time.

Tommy's lips pressed Jude's temple, bringing her from her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

Jude looked up at him, a smiled hinting around the corners of her mouth, "Us."

"Good things?"

"Of course."

Tommy hung his baseball cap on his knee and sucked in a deep breath, "I've been thinking about us too."

"Good things?"

"Of course." Tommy slid his arm from Jude's shoulders, going down to settle around her waist, "I was wondering if you'd want to move in with me after your tour."

The surprise on Jude's face came a second late, unsure if she'd heard him right. The last time they talked about moving in together, Tommy didn't care for the idea at all, resulting in one of their first fights as a couple. "Really?"

Jude's tone gave no suggestion of whether she liked the idea or not, causing Tommy to only nod hesitantly in response.

A grin slowly made its way across her face as she considered the thought, "You want to shack up together?"

Tommy smiled and attached his lips to hers, "Could be fun."

"Okay." Jude nodded, "Let's…move in together." Her agreement was laced with an undertone of disbelief at her own words. It seemed like such an ungraspable concept all those months ago. Why the sudden change of heart on Tommy's end? More easing thoughts of commitment filled Jude's head, bringing a happy sigh to her lips, finally feeling free to settle.

"I don't think getting my old place back will be a problem." Tommy continued, "Unless you want to live somewhere else?"

"No, I liked your apartment…hey, what happened to the old furniture you had?"

"I had the movers donate everything."

Jude shook her head, "I don't how you could just up leave without a place to go – that would make me so nervous. And like this," She gestured to the furniture around them, "Why would you bother looking at furniture when you're without a place to put it."

"You need to learn to be more spontaneous, Harrison."

"No thanks," Jude breathed, "I like having sturdy ground to walk on."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Jude tried to hide her smile, forcing a look of mock seriousness to her features, "Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun."

"You heard that in a movie." Tommy accused with a slight narrowing of his eyes

Jude glanced at him before taking interest in the coffee table seated in front of them, "Maybe."

Their conversation was interrupted by Jerry, the general manager, who greeted Tommy like they were buddies; the eye roll Tommy gave Jude behind his back suggested otherwise. They didn't bother at all with displays, and went straight for the catalogue. Despite his teasing about Jude's bad taste, Tommy asked her opinion on several different things, no matter how irrelevant they were. Overall, Tommy ended up ordering almost exactly the same stuff he had before.

"With rushed shipping, it'll be delivered next week." Jerry confirmed

"No sooner than that, huh?" Tommy pursed his lips, than shrugged, "Whatever – that's fine. Thanks."

"Why do you have to pay for shipping?" Jude asked when they were finally out of the store "Doesn't your credit cover that?"

"Guess not."

In the time they spent inside, the paparazzi had tripled in size, taking Jude and Tommy by surprise. "Fuck." Tommy muttered, taking a firm grip on Jude's hand. "Stay close."

Jude clung to Tommy's arm as he led her to the passenger side of his car and ushered her in. With Jude safe, Tommy worked through the swarm more forcefully. "Paparazzi hell." Jude commented "Apparently I'm famous now."

Tommy carefully pulled out of the parking space, taking a second to flip off one guy who shouted "Abuser" through the window. On the main road, Tommy relaxed and gathered Jude's hand in his, "Nothing I haven't dealt with before." He assured the worried expression on Jude's face, "It'll blow over."

Jude appraised Tommy's easy going attitude, deciding to believe it, "Home?" She asked

"You read my mind." Tommy kissed her knuckles before releasing her hand to retrieve his cell phone.

Jude listened quietly while Tommy talked to the owner of his apartment building, negotiating rent and the lease. Tommy usually lived on a month-by-month basis, but now was asking a two year lease and the opportunity to upgrade to a two bedroom if necessary.

Jude's chest gave a light squeeze as she realized what he reasoning must be behind that request; he was willing, and planning, on having another baby if the opportunity arose again. A breath of disbelief escaped her lungs. All this just seemed so good…too good - almost like it isn't real. Could she really have all that she's ever wanted without further consequence? The possibility seemed ungraspable, but something about Tommy always had her believing in her imagination. "We're really going to make it work this time, aren't we?" Her faint voice asked when Tommy ended his call

"Or die trying." Tommy laced his fingers through Jude's and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.


	48. Epilogue

"I think this whole thing is kind of stupid." Speid said into his cell phone as he waited for Jude to exit her dressing room. It was the final night of their tour, and as their luck would have it, it landed on Valentine's Day. Tommy hissed something in return on the other line, but Speid paid him no attention. Of course Quincy would have to do some out-of-the water gesture that included keeping Speid from his own Valentine plans.

Early this morning he got a call from Tommy saying that if Speid did him a favor, he'd bring Karma to his concert and pay for a romantic night out, ending with a stay in an amazing hotel suite; he sort of regretted agreeing now. Not only did he have to sneak out the joint hotel room they all shared to pick up an arrangement of flowers Tommy preordered, he also had to sneak them into Jude's room before she got up, so she'd see them first thing. Speid rolled his eyes; Tommy could be such a sap sometimes. That along with little things throughout the day had Speid wanting the day to be over already, and Tommy's snarky attitude wasn't helping anything. "I have to go, Quincy, and Jude is taking forever."

Tommy sighed loudly into the phone, "Stop bitchin – I held up my half of the bargain, didn't I?"

Speid plopped his head against the door frame and sighed, "Don't you think this makes you just a little conceded? What makes you think she'd wish for you anyway?" Part of Tommy Valentine's plan was sending Jude a leather bracelet that came with the promise of wish fulfillment when it fell off. Tommy – being the arrogant person he is according to Speid – figured Jude would wish for them to be together the night her tour ended - Jude figured that would be impossible being that the tour ended half way across the country, and Tommy's been on an extremely tight leash with Darius since his return – and the plan was for Speid to get the bracelet off her wrist, point out it was gone, and poof, there's Tommy. Like magic…or good planning. "And I don't understand why we have to be on the phone for this – you're right around the corner, you can hear me give the cue." At that, the line disconnected. Speid rolled his eyes.

Another five minutes rolled by before Jude's door finally swung open. "There you are, super star." Speid greeted cheerfully.

Jude's answering smile was less gleeful , but obviously happy, "Hey. I thought you'd be on the first plane home by now."

"Nope." Speid worked to hide his spite toward Tommy in his tone, remembering that if it wasn't for Tommy, Karma wouldn't be in the next room right now. "Wanted to make sure I said goodbye."

Jude brought Speid in for a one armed hug, the other cradling a vase of flowers, "Thanks. I can't believe the tour's over already."

Speid eyed the bracelet dangling loosely from the wrist draped over his shoulder. He quickly covered her hand with his own and pulled gently at the string securing it; it easily fell open and slithered from her wrist. "Crazy, huh?" Speid managed, trying to be conspicuous "What about you? Why aren't you on a plane right now? Aren't you dying for a Quincy fix?"

"He's busy," Jude breathed out a little sadly, "And I'm wiped, so I'll probably just crash tonight."

Speid shoved the bracelet in his back pocket and pulled out of their embrace, offering to take the flowers from her, "Hey, your bracelet's gone."

Jude seemed to buy the surprised act and stared down at her bare wrist, "Oh yeah." Her eyes glanced to Speid than quickly swept the room, causing him to scoff quietly to himself; Quincy was right. "Wonder when it fell off." She mused with a subtle edge of disappointment.

Speid shrugged, "Probably out on stage…What did you wish for?"

Jude flashed a bashful smile, "None of your business."

"Banish those dirty thoughts!"

"Shut up!" Jude smacked his arm "I wasn't even thinking that."

Speid smiled and looped his arm around her neck, placing the vase on a nearby table "I know you miss Tommy, and who knows, he might be closer than you think." He casted a sly wink before walking away.

Jude stared after him with knitted eyebrows. A teeny bit of hope gathered at the thought – did Speid know something she didn't? Was Tommy here? She looked around herself again, ignoring the odd looks from the stagehands. She turned to retrieve her flowers from the table – given to her by the venue – and headed down the hall.

"Where you headed, Harrison?"

Jude halted, a wide smile growing on her face. With a glance over her shoulder, she found Tommy standing there, looking as amazing as ever and holding up a palm-sized teddy bear with a heart strapped between its paws.

Tommy took in the sight of Jude as she approached; her ponytail swung lightly with each step, along with the thick necklace around her neck. Her high heeled boots covered a majority of the black skinny jeans clinging to her legs, topped with a black t-shirt that flowed passed her hips like a dress; the glitter design printed on the front glimmered in the well-lit hallway. She looked like a rock star, absolutely incredible…and she was all his.

"Hi!" Jude squealed, throwing herself in his arms "What are you doing here?"

Tommy's arms wound tightly around her waist, and took in her scent, a breath relief and happiness escaping his lips "What kind of guy would I be if I left my girl alone on Valentine's Day?"

Jude pulled back only enough to see his face, "The kind who has a dragon breathing down his neck."

Tommy smirked, "What Darius doesn't know won't hurt him."

Jude grinned, "I'm so happy you're here."

"Same here." Tommy tilted his head and pressed his lips to hers in a soft, sweet kiss. He offered Jude the bear and smiled his famous smile, "For you, my love."

"Thank you."

Lllllll

"So, how are things going with Sadie?" Jude asked while her and Tommy waited on their dessert in a little restaurant that only Tommy could pronounce the name of.

"No improvement – I think it's safe to say she'll hate me forever."

Jude frowned. When Jude announced that she and Tommy were together, Sadie had gone down the list of reasons why that was a horrible idea, and called Tommy every name in the book. She freaked even more when she found out Jude was planning on moving in with him. Jude managed to defuse Sadie's temper before she actually saw Tommy, and ever since Sadie's been giving him the cold shoulder and talking shit about him to Jude any opportunity she got. But Jude tried to remain positive, hoping that once Sadie got to spend an extended amount of time seeing them together, she'd have a new attitude.

"I don't blame her, though." Tommy went on, "She's just being protective."

Jude offered a reassuring smile and let the subject drop. It may be pure self-preservation but Jude's been going out of her way to avoid discussing anything that could trigger one of Tommy's self-pity fits. She wanted all that to be behind them for good; she just wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. Tommy seemed to be rendering that unnecessary, though; he never expressed any feelings of self-hate anymore – not to her, anyway. Jude hoped that meant they were over the worst. And it truly felt that way; despite their six week separation, they've been perfect. Sadie bitterly points out the reason for that lies solely in their separation, but Jude believed the time apart made them stronger. It provided time to grow as separate people for a while before delving into a new chapter of their relationship.

"You're quiet." Tommy murmured, bringing Jude back to reality "Everything alright?"

"Perfect." Jude smiled and took his hand on the table. "Almost too good to be true."

"Really feels that way, doesn't it?" A soft, adoring smile graced Tommy's face as he watched Jude smile in the candle light. "We're going to make this last." His whisper was a solemn promise. He hesitated before going on, again, taking in the sight of the girl he loved, "You know, Jude…I never thought it was possible to love someone forever until I met you. I wasn't sure if anyone could…or should. But this – us -it's right."

Jude gave his hand a gentle squeeze, "And it always will be."

The waitress returned with their desserts causing them to draw away from each other; she took her time setting their dishes down, and lingered longer than necessary, asking for any additional orders. Tommy politely shooed her away.

Jude rolled her eyes, "She hasn't looked twice at me since we got here."

Tommy smirked, "What do you want me to do about it – get ugly?"

"Please." Jude nodded "That would make my life a hell of a lot easier."

"Sorry." Tommy shrugged with a cocky smile

Jude couldn't help but smile in return and gently shook her head.

After dessert, and another visit from their waitress Jude found herself suspecting there was something more to this dinner that she was missing. Tommy seemed oddly nervous all of the sudden and the pesky waitress had disappeared from view all together. And maybe she was just being paranoid, but did everything just suddenly get quiet? "I feel bad," She complained in an attempt to brush off her paranoia "I didn't get you anything."

"Well, there is something I want…" Tommy hedged

Jude rolled her eyes, "Other than that."

Tommy laughed, "I wasn't talking about sex." He hushed, seeming to relax from his nervous posture, "Why do you think I everything I say means something sexual?"

Jude giggled, "Because everything you say sounds sexual."

That earned an eye roll from Tommy. He wiped his hand across his forehead in a 'what am I going to do with you' manner.

"What were you talking about then?"

Tommy's hand left Jude's and disappeared under the table "I want…" He started and pulled a ring box into view, his voice shaking only slightly, "You to answer yes to the question I'm about to ask."

Jude's smile fell from her face, replaced with a somewhat shocked expression. Her heart began to pound violently in her chest and her breathing slowed to a near stop. "Tommy…"

Standing from the table, Tommy took Jude's hand and sank down to one knee. "Jude, I love you – I will always love you…And I was wondering if you'd…marry me?"

Her heart stopped, she was sure of it. The one word resounding, screaming, in her head couldn't force itself to her lips. It seemed like an eternity passed while she fought to find her voice, when really it was only long enough for Tommy to pop the ring box open. Jude paid no attention to the ring – she couldn't pull her eyes away from his – but she was sure it was perfect for her, just like Tommy. "Yah." She finally managed to force out from airless lungs. It was barely audible, and thick with emotion, she was surprised Tommy heard it. In a split second, she was out of her seat and suspended in Tommy's arms.

The sounds of applause around them faded out to a blur when their lips met. An uncounted amount of time passed before their embrace broke and Tommy slipped the ring on her finger.

**The End**


End file.
